


Broken Glasses

by D_Toska



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bottom Yuri Plisetsky, Coach Katsuki Yuri, Coach Victor Nikiforov, Consensual Underage Sex, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Harm to Animals, Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentor/Protégé, One-Sided Attraction, POV First Person, Personal Growth, Physical Abuse, Protective Katsuki Yuuri, Secret Crush, Top Otabek Altin, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Crush, reference to suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 17:37:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 149,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12040872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_Toska/pseuds/D_Toska
Summary: Yuri Plisetsky is an angry boy and not without reason. When Viktor Nikiforov decides to drag him to Japan for the summer, Yuri is certain his life is about to become much worse than it already is. Forced to confront his demons and himself, he now has a choice: keep his eyes cast to the ground or look out to the world around him.Set in the same universe and timeline as my first work, Broken Vases, but told from a new perspective.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Looking at all the tags and warnings, this seems like a much darker work than it is. It is darker than my original story Broken Vases, but I don't think it would be viewed as particularly disturbing unless something I have tagged is a trigger for you. The underage sex is consensual between two partners with a reasonable age gap (sixteen and eighteen), but if you'd prefer not to read it, check my username for another Broken Glasses story rated M. I reposted this story without the epilogue which is the only part that contains the underage sex scenes.
> 
> This story is messier and settles more firmly into the gray that surrounds the real world. Unlike in Kubo's world, homophobia does exist in this story. Adults are not always perfect in protecting minors and isolating their issues to prevent stress on the minor though all but one means well. 
> 
> I would recommend reading Broken Vases first to have a more thorough understanding of this universe (Don't worry, it's much shorter), but it's not necessary to understand the events here.

A glistening trail of fresh ice slid out from under the Zamboni as I watched the mechanical snail make its rounds in the empty arena. Everyone had finally gone home; best thing they did all day. It had been a particularly shitty day. My grades came in and they were utter shit and then Mila thought it’d be hilarious to carve up the ice like a damn hockey player, showing off the moves her meat-head of a boyfriend so uselessly taught her. My skate hit one of her gouges coming down from a quad and I had crashed, biting my tongue and leaving fat red drops all over the ice. Mila didn’t feel at all sorry; she just laughed when Yakov yelled at me for doing the quad in the first place, it being one too many past his strict limit.

The blood was now smoothed away along with the gouge. The Zamboni made it look so easy. One steady pass and it was gone, the ice pristine and whole once again. Boris waved as he drove the Zamboni off the ice without looking back to force me into returning it. I flicked my hand up at his unconcerned back. Good guy. Knows his shit. Always sets the right depth to get every divot. The garage doors shut and it was finally silent. I waited for the ice to harden without some asshole fucking it up before it was ready like stupid Viktor loved to do. Impatient asshole.

“Hey, Yurochka! Glad you’re still here tonight.”

My hands tightened on the boards as my body cringed away from the voice wrecking the peace that had just hardened. Apparently thinking of the devil works just as well. “Go away, old man. I don’t want you here.”

“Still pissed about that fall, huh? Still, there’s no need to be so hurtful. I just came to skate with you.” He lifted a foot to grab his guard from his skate.

“Hey! Just wait one more minute, asshole! It’s not ready yet!”

“It’s fine, Yurochka. You worry too much.” He grabbed off the other guard and crushed his blades into the clear ice.

“Asshole,” I muttered into my shirt low enough for him not to hear me as I followed him onto the ice. It was fucked up already anyway. He knew I liked skating after everyone had gone home so he made it his mission to be here as many nights as he could to wreck that even though he had mornings as his sacred time alone on the ice. He should have understood better. I would have told him to piss off with a little more conviction, but the guy does know his shit. In between his Suzie sunshine chattering, he’d sometimes give useful advice. I’d be an idiot to pass up free coaching from Viktor Nikiforov. Well, it wasn’t exactly free. It cost my sanity, but whatever. Small price to pay to one day use his own words to kick his ass.

“You know, that’s your biggest problem. You try too hard all the time.” Showoff prima donna set up a quad and landed it cleanly without a damn thought running through his head. “You need to lighten up a bit. You’re always so tense. You look like a little fishy jumping out of the water to get away from the monster under you. Relax, there’s nothing out here to get you. The monsters can’t break through the ice. This is our home up here.” He swirled away into some improvised step sequence. He uses the strangest analogies sometimes. Almost like he was aware of something outside of winning. “Come on, Yurochka, skate like you’re a nice, jiggly kholodets!” Never mind.

“Fill your own head with meat jelly. Keep mine out of it.”

“Your second biggest problem, not knowing how to take useful advice. You decide before you’ve tried it whether or not it’s useful. That’s a really bad habit, you know. You’ll miss out on a lot of good things that way.”

“Yeah, it’s better than trying every single stupid idea that pops into your head. You have a brain for a reason. You’re supposed to use it to filter out the crap before you shit all over the world.”

“Ouch. Yurochka’s in fine form tonight. Is there something bothering you?”

“Yeah, you.” I tried to skate away from him to the other end of the rink, but he caught up to me with two easy strokes.

“Hey, you can tell me what’s bothering you, you know. I won’t be a jerk about it. Is a girl giving you trouble? Other than Mila, I mean. Or a boy?”

“I’m not gay!” He was closer than I thought he was when I turned back to shout at him and I ended up crashing right into him. He caught me from falling and held his hands over my shoulders to steady me.

“Woah, easy there, kitten.”

“Get off me.” I knocked his hand off my shoulder and tried to skate away again.

“It’s okay to be gay, you know. You don’t have to act like I just insulted you by offering it as an option. I’m gay.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” There was a longer beat of silence than I was expecting. I looked over my shoulder. His stupid heart mouth was shut for once. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“What’s going on, Yurochka? I’m just trying to help you.”

“I don’t-” I wanted to say, ‘I don’t want your help,’ but that wasn’t entirely true. “Just butt out of my life. If you want to talk about skating, that’s fine.”

“I tried talking about skating. You didn’t want to hear it.”

“Talking about skating that doesn’t involve stupid ideas,” I clarified.

“And we’re back to the start again. Talking with you feels like being a speed skater. Lots of aggression, same damn circle.”

“So then go jump like a meat jelly fish and leave me alone.”

“No, no, no. You got that all mixed up. You’re supposed to feel like kholodets so you don’t jump like a fish. No one wants to see a fish flopping on a slab of ice. And really, kholodets isn’t the best analogy. It doesn’t have enough control, but you have too much control so you need to be more like jelly.”

“What are you saying? Do you even know?”

“Yeah, I’m saying relax more, you angry little punk. And listen to your elders. You know, I do know a thing or two about good skating.” He pushed hard off the ice to turn away from me into another series of turns and spins on the ice.

I skated a small circle, watching him move, trying to pick up some tricks without his mouth running nonsense along with them into my head until he came to a stop and just stared at me from across the short end of the rink. We faced off for a minute before I sighed and tried to focus on picking out the good bits from the dump truck of words he always spilled. “How do I relax? There’s so many things to think of, so many body parts to control all at once.”

“That’s the problem. You’re trying to think of them all. You need to feel them. You need to let your body’s autopilot take care of the skating so your mind can be free to think of the performance.”

“What do I need to think about the performance for? It’s just getting the right steps in the right place. That’s all the performance is made of.”

“No, it’s not. The performance has to mean something. If it doesn’t mean anything, it’s not worth crying over.”

“Crying? Who said anything about that?”

“It’s an expression. I don’t mean just crying. I mean the effort. Why put in the effort to make this performance if it doesn’t mean anything?”

“Why put in the effort? To win, of course. Why else are you bothering to do this? If you don’t want to win, you can go get a job cleaning toilets or something.”

“So that’s all that life is, huh? Cleaning toilets or winning? You know there’s a whole world living between there.”

“Maybe for you. Not that you even have to worry about such a thing. You’ve already grabbed your spot at the top.”

“What’s that mean? If you don’t win you’ll be stuck cleaning toilets the rest of your life? I think you’re capable of more than that.”

“I have to win. That’s it. That’s all there is for me.”

He pressed his finger to his lips. “Okay. If that’s true, then stop thinking about it altogether. It’s better to show nothing than that.”

“What?! Stop thinking about winning? You? You’re really saying that?”

“I am. At least if you show nothing, some might be able to put their own meaning in for you. If you only show your desire to win, they’re only going to see that hunger and be left starving at the end.”

“So, you’re telling me to show nothing.”

“No, I’m telling you to show them something that means something other than a spot on a podium. If you can’t manage that, then yes, nothing is the second best.”

“How do I do that if I’m spending all my energy just trying to get through the routine?”

“Your third biggest issue. Trust. These are in no particular order by the way. You suck equally at all of them. You need to trust more.”

“Trust is for the gullible.”

“Trust yourself, I mean.”

“Huh?”

“Go into your spin combo and don’t think about what needs to go where. Feel the push of your blade against the ice, the spin nailing you in place, the rise and fall of your body, the stretch and pull of your limbs. Don’t think about these things, feel them. Let them happen as they will. You’ve done this so many times, your body knows what to do.”

Okay. Sure. Just don’t think. Of course an idiot would suggest something like that. Easy enough to do at least. I pushed my blades against the ice to get some speed then carved an arc, pushing the ice away from the edge of my blade to rise into my spin. Crouching down to grab my blade, I pulled my foot up from the ice. Not quite tight enough. Hold more; lift the foot higher. Damn. I’m not supposed to be thinking. Not thinking is tough. Apparently not breathing is easier. I sucked in as many tiny breaths as I could while holding my stomach tight as I rose up to pull my skate up over my head. Higher. Come on, just a little more. I brought my foot back down and stopped the spin though my head continued it through Viktor’s smug smile.

“Tougher that it seems not to think, huh? Try it again with a jump combo. No quads though. Actually, no triples either. Just go back to doubles and singles. Any type of jumps you want is fine.”

“Huh?! What for?”

“Trust me.”

I rolled my eyes, but sped up to start the basic jump combo. At least he was using fewer words. The silt was beginning to clear. My body rolled through the combo with barely any effort. Huh. Strange.

“Excellent, Yurochka! Much better than the spins. Okay, do it again this time throwing in some triples but don’t you dare start thinking.”

I thrust my blades into the ice and let a deep breath out as I set up into the combo. The ease from before flowed through this combo too. I stared at the ice as the strange slickness flowing through me settled. Felt a bit like getting off a roller coaster.

“Now you’re getting it. Again, with a quad.”

“I’ve already done all the quads I’m allowed to do today.”

“I don’t see Yakov anywhere, do you?” I glanced up to check if he was trying to mess with me or not then made a few circles to set up a combo again. Sometimes the old man wasn’t so bad.

I set up the entry for the combo. The quad soared over the ice higher than I ever had before and twisted right into the double and triple feeling like I had barely brushed the ice in between.

“Amazing! You finally look like something resembling a skater instead of a little hopping fishy!” He chuckled merrily at the scowl on my face. “Okay, so now’s the time to explain and analyze. You must keep your mind clear so the sensations the ice and your body are giving your brain can be processed and reacted to. Analysis is slow and you’ll never be able to catch up to what your body is doing if you’re thinking about everything you have to do. You’re not ready to say you’ve got a move until you can do it without a single thought passing through about how it’s done. That’s how you know it’s in the subconscious part of your brain which is much faster and far more powerful than your conscious brain. That also allows your conscious brain to then think about what it is that you’re trying to show with your performance. And you’re a smart, talented boy. I think you can come up with something better than the utterly boring desire to win. Of course, you want to win. We all do. It’s not worth making your whole performance about it. It’s far too obvious and obnoxious.”

“Keep my mind clear. Like good ice.”

“Exactly. You need clear ice under your skates and in your mind. One sheet for your body, one sheet for your performance. They’re two different things; they need their own spaces. Maybe once you get that clear ice in your head you’ll be able to think of something better than nothing. Blank canvases crave having something drawn on them.” He swirled a pattern onto the ice with his skate, watching it form under him.

Huh. More gold in the dirt than I expected to find tonight. Clear ice. He stopped to study me with a weird expression. At least it was something other than his artificial sunshine. “Hey, Vitya. Sorry. About earlier. And thanks.”

He gave a rare, genuine smile. “I want to see you succeed, Yurochka. Both in life and on the ice.”

“Why do you care? I’m just going to use your words to kick your ass one day, you know.”

His smile didn’t change. “You should keep your eyes up more, Yurochka. They’re such a lovely shade of green. If they must be angry eyes, at least don’t scowl at the floor.”

“Ew! Are you hitting on me, old man?” I pushed back away from him.

His smile dropped and was replaced with something that looked like he was offended. At least he had sense enough for that. “Please. I’m not hitting on you. You’re a child.” He skated for the door.

“Wouldn’t be the first time that hasn’t mattered.” I thought I had muttered that quietly enough, but he turned back with a horrified expression.

“Has something happened? If so, you need to tell someone. Me, if you want, or Yakov, or the police, or your grandpa. Someone. Anyone. You-”

“Calm down. It’s nothing like that. Just some of the sponsors can get creepy sometimes. And people on the street. Think I’m some girl or something.”

“Ah, yeah. I used to get that a lot too.”

“Yeah well, you wanted to look like a girl.”

“Does that mean girls deserve to have creeps after them? It shouldn’t matter what you look like. If you ever have a problem with someone, especially a sponsor, tell me or Yakov immediately. They sometimes think because they’re giving you something that you owe them. It’s not the kind of thing to get proud over.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I tried to push past him through the door but he wouldn’t budge.

“I’m serious, Yura. I know you think I’m a huge idiot, but please listen to me on this one. It’ll only get worse when you get to seniors and the deals get bigger. Yakov knows all about it and if you ever want to see someone get a new asshole installed, watch him when someone messes with one of his skaters. If you think he yells at us, you haven’t seen anything yet. You’d probably enjoy that, so please tell him, okay? I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Yeah, okay.” He stared at me for another second then stepped off the ice. I followed him into the locker room and grabbed my shoes. “Hey, why do you bother coming out here? You didn’t really skate at all.”

He looked up from untying his skates with his usual stupid smile. “I enjoy your company, Yurochka.”

“Liar. Why do you really come?” I sat down at the other end of the bench and started taking off my skates.

“I’m not lying. I like spending time with you.”

“If you’re going to lie, you should at least make it a believable one.”

“Why is it so hard to believe? I mean, sure, you’re a lot rough around the edges, but you’re not half-bad when you’re not being a total dick.”

“Yeah, well,” I blew a huff of air to brush the hair out of my eyes as I sat back up after putting my shoes back on, “you’re not half-bad when you’re not being a total moron.”

“Aww, my heart feels all warm and fuzzy.” He jumped the distance between us and hung most of his weight around my shoulders.

“Ack! Get off me, you asshole!” I struggled to free myself from his clingy arms with no effect until I ducked out from under them and slipped off the end of the bench. With all of his weight on the end of the light bench, it flipped up and dumped him on the ground. He blinked up at me, his eyes huge while I laughed my ass off at his karma.

He finally stopped blinking and chuckled as he struggled to his feet. If only the people knew just how ungraceful this man was off the ice and how much of an idiot he was, they might spend a fraction of a second less time worshiping him. He brushed his pants off and gave his practiced, effortless laugh with a wink. Probably not. “Too bad you didn’t get that on camera. It would have gone viral in seconds.” Conceited asshole. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.”

I pushed him out of the way to grab my skates and throw them in my locker. “I’d rather take the bus than spend another second with you.”

“Ouch. So harsh when I was just trying to be nice. Fine. Have it your way. Be safe.” He put away his skates and headed out of the locker room without looking back.

Be safe. Be safe. He always said that like I’m some idiot child. He’s the one more likely to do something stupid and get himself hurt. I flipped off the lights and locked the front door then headed through the parking lot with only a few yellow bulbs lighting up little patches in the dark. His car was still in the lot under one of the lights. It looked like he was fiddling with the radio. God, how long does it take that idiot to put on music? Whatever. I threw my hood up and went to go wait at the stop at the corner for the mercifully slow bus.


	2. Chapter 2

The doorknob turned my stomach as I stood on the concrete step with it gripped in my hand. I searched for any other choice than the one in front of me, but as always, there were none. Wait. That was all I could do. Skate and wait for that to be enough. Growing up takes so damn long and I was stuck with what I had until it was done with me.

I turned the knob and shoved the door open with my shoulder to help push back all the crap that my mom had thrown in front of it during the day. Why always here? I managed to get it open just enough to let my body slip through then closed it behind me. My shoe crunched down on something in the mess that splintered more under my weight. I jerked my foot back and pulled it up to inspect it. A huge chunk of glass stuck half-way into the thickness of the rubber. God damn it. I pinched the glass in my fingers and slowly pulled it back out. Fucking bitch. I cursed my way to the broom closet with the broken glass that could have ended any hope I had of leaving this shithole still in my fingers.

“Yura! That you?”

“Yeah, Ma!”

“Where the fuck you been all goddamn day?”

“School and skating! Same as every fucking day!”

“Skating. Skating. You’re not ever going to be strong enough for it, you fucking faggot. Fucking fairy. Why the fuck you wasting your time on that?”

“So I never have to see your ugly face again,” I muttered as I ripped the broom from the mess clinging to it. She had been pretty at one time, but she aged like shit. A diet of vodka and cigarettes would do that to you.

“Well, stop being a useless little shit and get me a fucking drink.”

“Just a minute, Ma. I gotta clean up some broken glass first.”

“You ungrateful little shit! Can’t even bring your own mother a fucking drink when she asks. Not like I gave up my life for you or anything! Fucking gay little pussy. Just like your father. Good for nothing piece of shit.”

She continued her tirade as I went to the kitchen and tossed the piece of glass into the garbage then grabbed the biggest glass I could find and filled it with vodka. I pulled the pot of borsch out of the fridge and turned on the heat then went out into the living room. “Here.” I shoved the drink in her hand that wasn’t taken up with her nasty cigarette.

“What the fuck is this? Can’t you do anything right? It’s going to be warm by the time I get to the bottom.”

“Drink fast.”

She laughed and for the smallest second, I saw the beauty she once had. But it was nothing but looking in a photograph. She started chugging and the photograph burned away. “I like the way you think so long as you’ll refill it when I’m done.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I pointlessly picked up some of the rest of the shit on the floor on my way back to the front door. “Whatever keeps your fucking mouth shut.” I had to carefully pick through the pile of crap on the floor just to get to the glass scattered all over it. Where the fuck do we get so many goddamn glasses from that she manages to break at least one a week? It took several minutes just to uncover the door. If there was a fire ever, she’d likely burn before she was able to get the damn door open. A dark smile formed at the idea. I’d finally be rid of her and on top of it, I’d probably get a bunch of sympathy. I pushed the thought away as I grabbed the broom and started sweeping. Broken glass was the worst to clean up. No matter how much I swept, there were always shards hiding somewhere to stick in your foot when you least suspect it. Not like the ice that cleaned so perfectly whole.

“Yura! Another drink!”

“Just one second, Ma! I’m just finishing up here!”

“God, why are you so fucking slow?!”

I was hoping that would be enough to knock her out for the evening, but apparently this was going to be a shitty day beginning to end. “Just give me one more second and I’ll get your fucking drink!” I tried to get the last line of glass crystals that refused to sweep into the pan. “Impatient bitch.”

“The fuck did you just call me?” Oh, shit. I covered my face with my arms just as the glass splintered off the door. “Ungrateful shit! You cost me everything and you can’t even get a fucking drink when I ask?! You fucking destroyed my life and you can’t even get me a fucking drink. Call me a bitch instead. You’re the little bitch. Fucking little gay ass pussy. Russia’s Ice Fairy.” Her insults died down in volume as she had to think harder to get more vicious. I tried to press my arms tighter over my ears. “You think you’re so fucking great, but just watch. You’re going to learn that you’re just as worthless as the rest of us. You wanna get out of here so bad? Well, newsflash, kid. So did I. I was going to be a star until you came around and destroyed my life. Someone’s going to destroy your dreams just like you did to mine and I’m gonna laugh as you sit right here with me forever.”

I gritted my teeth so hard I thought they might shatter into the glass at my feet. “Go sit down, Ma. I’ll get your fucking drink.”

She headed back to the dingy living room while I went to the kitchen to get a new glass that would hopefully shut her up for good. Or the rest of the night. Whichever. I filled a bowl with borsch and topped it with some sour cream and brought it out to her along with the drink. “Hey, you got my money? I need to go to the store tomorrow.”

“Yeah, Ma. I’ll put it on the table.”

She smiled showing off her stained teeth. “Sit with me, Yurochka. Tell me about your day.”

“I’m tired, Ma. I want to clean up and go to bed.”

“Sit, Yura,” Her smile stayed on but her voice started to slip back into dangerous tones. I sat in front of her feet with my back to her. “There’s a good boy.” She leaned forward to start combing her fingers through my hair in between puffs on her cigarette and large gulps of vodka while I tried my best not to pull away. “So pretty. You know you get your good looks from me. Your father never gave either of us anything. Worthless piece of shit.” Her fingers started weaving my hair into random braids all over. “People used to stop me all the time to tell me how beautiful I was. They told me I had the face for movies. Dad told me I had the drama to match. I was in a few movies you know. I was just starting to get my break. Life looked so good; like I was finally going to be better than that loser of a father I have.”

“Don’t talk about him like that.”

She jerked the chunk of hair in her fingers hard enough to flip my head back while she drank a few gulps from her glass then went back to her braiding. “You keep looking up to him like that and you’re going to end up just like him. A fucking janitor.”

“He’s not a janitor anymore. He’s working in a factory now.”

“Oooh, big promotion. Fucking worthless loser.”

“Hey, Ma, I’ll go put your money on the table now, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay, Yurochka. Such a good boy. Give me a kiss.”

I flinched but turned it into a smile as I leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Goodnight, Ma.” I headed into the kitchen to dig out some rubles from my wallet and throw them on the sticky table. Here’s your fucking money, bitch. Take it and leave me the fuck alone. I shook the braids from my hair then grabbed the broom again and started sweeping up the fresh glass that scattered absolutely everywhere around the front door. Every time I turned around, there was a new shard waiting for some unlucky bastard. I swept for what felt like hours until I was as sure as I could be that I had gotten every last one.

I flopped onto my bed and my cat crawled over and started purring as I scratched his chin. “Hey there, Potya. You get yourself extra clean today? My day was shit. The bitch was at her best tonight.” I laughed making Potya bounce on my chest. He narrowed his eyes just a bit to show his displeasure but kept purring. “You wanna hear something crazy? Viktor actually said he likes spending time with me. He seemed to really mean it too. What kind of idiot would like spending time with someone like me? I don’t mean you of course; you’re not an idiot at all. Clean ice. That was his gold of the day. Clean ice. It might be the best one he’s given me yet. I wish I could just smother this place under a sheet of the clearest ice you’ve ever seen. Smother the bitch and all of her shit and lock her away forever. Polish it with the Zamboni until it glitters. You know, I almost had an idea at the door today… The old man seems to be determined to help me or something like that. What if… what if I ask him if I can stay with him?” I looked at Potya’s contented face purring louder when I moved my fingers around to the other side of his face.

 “Yeah, it’s probably a dumb idea. Who would want to take me in if they had a choice not to? I sure as hell wouldn’t. Plus, he’s annoying as hell.” I glanced at the closed door where some stupid talk show drifted in under my door. “Not anywhere near as bad as her though. He’s not exactly clean ice, but he is ice. What do you think? Should I ask him? He has a dog and he’s just as annoying as his master. You probably wouldn’t like that much, but you just stay in my room anyway. So? You think I should? Blink at me if I should.” I watched his clear blue eyes as they looked up at me then closed slowly and opened again. “Yeah, okay. I’ll do it next time he comes in at night. I think he’s going to be gone for the weekend. He’s got that competition in Moscow. I wish I could go to Moscow this weekend too. See Grandpa again. I could stowaway in his gym bag. He probably wouldn’t even notice. What do you think he’ll say? Think he’d want to take in an angry little shit like me? He’d be stupid to, but he’s got plenty of that. Ugh, I should probably study, huh? I’m just so tired. But if skating doesn’t work out… Okay, fine. One hour and then sleep.” I got up to grab my bag and flopped back into the bed with some extra pets for Potya for disturbing him after he got comfortable. He crawled onto my chest and curled up in a ball. His warmth and steady purring cleared away her annoying noises still forcing their way in under my door. I had to stretch my chin up a bit to see the book, but I didn’t care.

 

 

 

The weight of unexpected sleep pinned my body to the bed as the alarm rang in my head. I groaned and tried to sit up, but only managed to get my head up for a second before it flopped back down. The lights were still on and I was still in my clothes, the book pages crumpled under Potya next to me. Must have fallen asleep while studying. I groaned again and rubbed my eyes, trying out different actions until one of them pulled me from the bed. My body felt thick as I dragged it into the bathroom. I leaned onto the wall with my head resting on my forearm, too tired and aching to hold it up. I pissed so long I nearly fell back asleep standing over the toilet. My body startled me back awake as I fell to the side catching myself before I cracked my head open on the bathtub. Now that’d be a headline. Russia’s Ice Fairy dead in a bathroom with his dick out. Maybe they’d leave out the part about my dick.

Warm water hit my back in the shower, my body tensing as my arm jerked harder. Boobs. Think of boobs. Big sexy boobs. There’s that girl Natalya in my class. She’s pretty hot. A lot of the guys seem to like her. Come on stupid body. She’s fucking hot. Everyone thinks so. Why the fuck don’t you? She does have that mole on her neck that’s kinda gross. Maybe that’s a bigger turn off for me than for most people. Come on, it’s just a fucking mole. I pulled up the scene from a couple of days ago where she bent over to grab her bag and her skirt pulled up a bit too high. Every guy behind her whipped their heads over to look. That idiot Mikhail tripped over the desk in front of him in his lunge to get closer. He had stayed there bent over just in front of me for a while even after she stood back up. Heat started burning in my stomach. I groaned. No! No! No! It’s fucking her, okay. It just took a while. She’s what I want. “Ah, fuck!” Stupid piece of shit body I got stuck in. So fucking complicated. But unlike this fucking house, I’m stuck with this one forever no matter what I do.

I dried off in the bathroom and slipped my shoes on and pulled my hoodie up to walk back across the hall to my room. Stupid bitch’s TV was running still. Even when the bitch was passed out she was never quiet. I was packing my bag for the day when my phone rang. I looked at the ID and smiled.

“Grandpa! Hey! How are you doing? How’s your back?”

“Good good, Yurochka. The back’s fine. How was your day yesterday?”

“Shit.”

“Sorry to hear that. Maybe today will be better?”

“Doubt it. At least I don’t have school today. I can spend the whole day training.”

“Don’t push yourself too hard. You need a break sometimes too. Did you get the money I sent?”

“Yeah, thanks, Grandpa.”

“Sorry it’s not more. I’ve been looking for a better paying job. There’s one I saw posted a little further north in the city. It’s a maintenance man position. It’d be a longer drive, but I think the car might make it.”

“The only job I want you to change to is one that brings you back here. That factory job is nice. It’s not too hard on your back since you can sit most of the time. I’m sorry you have to work at all. One day I’m going to make a bunch of money as a skater and you’re going to retire then, okay?”

“You’re a good boy, Yurochka. You’re going to be the finest skater Russia’s ever seen. How’s Galina?”

“Alive. Unfortunately.”

“Yura, don’t talk like that. You’re better than wishing your own mother dead.”

“I don’t really want her dead. I just want her nowhere near me. I wish I could live in Moscow with you.”

“Yakov’s the best. Peters is the best place for you right now.”

“I know, I know. I just miss you.”

“I miss you too, Yurochka. I’ll see you a few weeks this summer, right? It’s not too far off.”

“It’s months away. Winter isn’t even here yet.”

“It’ll go faster than you think. I’ve got to head in to work, but I’ll call you tonight and we can chat more then, okay?”

“Yeah, sounds good. Love you.”

“Love you too, Yurochka.”

I tapped the phone and stuck it in my bag. “Bye, Potya. I’ll see you tonight.” I gave him some scratches while he purred with his little kitty smile on his face. I closed the door and locked it. She threw a fit about that lock the first few weeks after I’d put it in, but she was too dumb to figure out how to replace it and eventually found other things to yell about. Potya was safe at least. I headed out of that house as quickly and carefully as I could, keeping my eyes on the floor to work my way around hazards. Stupid Viktor. Eyes up. Doesn’t he know how dangerous that is?


	3. Chapter 3

Stupid teachers. Stupid busses. Why is everyone so fucking incompetent? Damn teacher can’t get her own lesson plan together and makes us stay late to make up for it. English is hard enough without a shitty teacher. And then of course the damn bus was late. Now Viktor probably went home since I wasn’t there. I’ve been waiting days to talk to him and now he’s finally back and I’m going to have to stay one more day in that shit hole because of other people’s fucking incompetence. But he’s not going to say yes anyway so what does it matter? I sighed and grabbed my keys, but the lights were still on inside. Weird. I shoved the keys back in my bag and kicked the door open.

Viktor was standing at the rail, looking out over the ice. He was waiting for me? Being the shit that I am, I crept up behind him and kicked him hard in the back. He barely moved. Dude was strong, I’ll give him that. He turned around with his ‘pretend to be bored with him’ look then smiled.

“Yurochka, glad you could finally make it. Did you get held up with your teacher?”

“Yeah, she sucks.”

“Not as bad as your English does. You really need to work on that more. At competitions, everyone speaks English.”

“I know. I’m trying.”

“Huh. Yurochka’s in a better mood today. Something good happen?”

“Uh, well, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Uh… Can you show me how to do a quad flip?” Coward.

“Aren’t you a little young still for a jump that hard? I know Yakov would say you are.”

“Yeah, but he’s not here, right?”

He smiled a real smile and I swear it looked like he had some tears in his eyes. “Yeah, he’s not.” He looked back over the ice and tightened his hold on the rail. “Okay. You’ve got it. Anything else you want to learn from me? Now’s a good time to do it.”

“I, uh, I liked what you said last time. About the clear ice in my mind. How do I do that though? Is it just repeating it over and over?” I kicked at the floor, trying to kick my courage back into place.

“Partly. A bigger part is trusting yourself like I said last time. I know you have a hard time trusting anyone else, but you have to at least learn to trust yourself. You’re determined. You’re strong. You’re a talented skater. Rely on these things. If you go out on the ice doubting what you’re capable of, you’ll worry about every little thing as you are now.” He turned back. “Eyes up, Yura.” I lifted my head and shook the hair from my face. His eyes locked on mine with the determined look he only gives to his performances. “You’re capable of achieving your goals. I have no doubt that you will one day be considered one of the greats in skating history.” He grinned. “Right after Yuri Katsuki and me.”

“Yuri Katsuki? Who’s that?”

“The guy who’s going to knock me off my pedestal and the guy you’re going to have to beat when you reach seniors.”

“No one’s going to beat you until I kick your ass, old man.”

“We’ll see.”

“Hey, Vitya... Why aren’t you fucking up the ice yet?” Fucking coward.

“The Zamboni just left. He was a bit late tonight too. You like to wait a bit first, yes? I wanted you to skate first. Draw me something on the blank canvas, yeah?”

“Why does the performance matter so much to you? It’s all fake. A part to be played. That’s it.”

“A good performance is never fake. You can’t just show love or pain or hope or desire; you have to feel it. You have to pull up what it is that you want to show and live in it while you skate. When you get it right, the emotion connects to the sensation of skating without any break in the connection. It’s the hardest part of skating. There’s a lot of skaters who do fake because it’s all they can do. I think you’re good enough for a real performance, don’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then let’s find out. Go out there and skate however you’re feeling right now. Make me feel what you are. Carve your life on the ice.”

“That’s the last thing I want to do.”

“Perfect. Do it.” We stared each other down while I debated the pros and cons of listening to him. He finally gives me clean ice to skate on and he wants me to put my shitty life there? “It won’t be your only chance to write something out there. Don’t think too much about it. You’ll have a lot more clear ice in the future.”

What the fuck? Is he reading my mind or something? Whatever. I do want to ask him for a favor. Now’s probably not the time to remind him of what a colossal dick I can be. Fine. Put my life there. Just go out there and shit all over the perfectly clean ice. I can do this. I clenched my teeth and took off my guards. Don’t think. Don’t think. Just let my body handle the skating. Focus on what I’m feeling. What am I feeling? Shitty as always but… hopeful? Is that right? I skated to the middle and turned back to face Viktor. Maybe he was a better person than I gave him credit for. No matter how much of a dick I am to him, he always comes back to teach me more. He’s the only one outside of Grandpa who ever chooses to spend time with me. He spends his entire life skating and the little free time he has he chooses to spend with me. He gives advice worth thousands of dollars for free and he doesn’t even ask me to be nice to him. Yeah. I’m the biggest asshole in the world.

I skated closer to him then lifted my eyes to meet his and held it to show him that I was finally listening. He smiled a real smile and I pushed back into a jump combo. Nothing but a double and two singles. That rolled into hard stomps across the ice, my blade and toe picks cutting hard into the pristine ice. It didn’t shatter like glass did; it was so much stronger than glass. The more I stomped the ice, the more my anger rolled out of me and into the ice which took it without saying a word. Viktor wasn’t clear ice. He was this ice. Ice marred but still good. I rolled into some triples and into a smoother step sequence on a fresh section of ice, watching the spirals and curls form under my blade. That is pretty cool how the right turn of a blade looks like something that belonged with the geometric patterns of nature one of my school books had shown. Perfect spirals and arcs formed by something imperfect. How does that happen? What force perfected it between my body and the ice?

He wanted to feel my life, huh? That life can’t be experienced without experiencing my mother. What does she feel like? Broken glass, splintered and scattered. Reaching out to ruin out of spite. She feels like an inescapable force. Even here on the ice she’s with me whispering that I’m too weak, that I’m worthless. She feels like anger. So much anger it eats me alive. Anger that shatters in my face. Fear that creeps in. Fear that she’s right. Fear that I won’t make it past her and her shitty, pathetic life. She was a shitty person with a dream. Same as me. Why would I make it when she couldn’t?... Because I’m not going to quit until I’ve made it happen. Not until my life is miles away from hers. Not until Grandpa can finally retire after supporting me and his worthless daughter and the rest of our family. Not until my life is worth something. Quad, double, triple. Easy.

I skated back to where I started and went into the same spin combo from yesterday that I had struggled with following his instructions on. Arrogant little shit that I am thought he was an idiot. Dismissed him. Sorry, Viktor. Thank you for wanting to help me even though I’m the world’s biggest asshole. I’ll try to listen better from now on. I met his eyes again and the idiot was fucking crying.

“Yurochka, that was so good! Come here, give me a hug.” He stretched his arms out with his tears still falling. Why was he crying? Whatever. I skated over and let him crush me with his weight. Idiot has no idea how fucking strong he is. “Some of that was for me, wasn’t it?”

“Whatever. It’s not a big deal.”

“Yes, it is. Thank you, Yurochka.” He was thanking me? What the hell for? “Come on. Let’s go see what you drew.” He let me go and skated to where I started following the trail my skates had made. “Wow. So angry. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much anger put into a sheet of ice before. And they got harder as you went. Were you getting angrier or… were you testing it? You’re always so afraid of breaking the ice. Why is that? Were you finally seeing how strong it is?” Yeah, he’s not the idiot. I am. I didn’t say anything and he moved on, smiling. “You were having fun here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you have fun before. You were copying me from yesterday, yes?”

“Yes.”

“It’s fun to draw on the canvas. Skating is hard work, but it should be fun sometimes too. Otherwise you lose your passion for it and without passion, you’re as good as dead. You’re lucky that you have so much fire in you.” He moved to the next section. “You were afraid here. Not just afraid. Terrified. Something was blocking your path. Your steps were hesitant. Short, choppy, afraid to move forward, afraid to stand still. You have a bright future, Yura. Never be afraid to move into it.” I wasn’t afraid of moving forward. Was I?

I looked back at my steps. They were lacking in forward motion. How was he reading my path like that? I guess when you’re Viktor Nikiforov anything is possible on ice.

“But you figured that out on your own. You became determined here. An effortless quad. It’s a thing of beauty that comes from strength and trust in yourself. And here… humility. Yes?”

I nodded.

“The same that you started with. It also shows maturity. An ability to learn and recognize mistakes and shortcomings. You’re a beautiful person, Yura. A beautiful person with a beautiful life. Not an easy one, but beautiful nonetheless. In between the anger and fear and pain is a person who tries for more and won’t give up until he reaches it.”

“Oi, old man. What’s gotten into you today? You’ve been all weepy and sentimental. How did your performance go? It was your first one of the season, right?”

“Yeah, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. But don’t worry about that for right now. It’s time to learn the quad flip, yes?” He wiped the tears from his face.

“Yeah, okay.”

“I hope you wore your thick skin today. Your ass is going to hurt like a bitch tomorrow.”

“Whatever. I’m going to nail it the first time out.”

“Confidence is great, but so is reality.”

We ran through quad after quad with him chanting, “Elbows tighter! Elbows tighter!” Until I had to restrain myself from kicking him every time he said it. Thankfully, he switched to chastising my dropping of my shoulder and “wobbling” in the air before I tested my knife shoes in his back. My ass hit the ice so many times I felt like it would never return from black again.

“Damn it!” I punched my fist into the ice.

“It’s okay, Yurochka. It’s a hard jump. Maybe we should switch to something else. What else do you want to learn?”

“I want to learn the fucking quad flip! I’m going to do it!”

“You don’t want to hurt yourself. It’s the start of the season. Now would be the worst time to get injured.”

“I’m going to do it, Vitya. Don’t give up on me yet.”

He offered his hand to help me up from the ice. “Okay, last time. Before I said to skate like kholodets. Now is not the time for kholodets. Use all of that control you love so much. You need to be tight. As tight as you possibly can get. Not a single elbow or shoulder flapping about. You can’t get away with anything in a quad. If you get the position right in the air, the landing will happen smoothly. Don’t worry about that. Just get everything tight and then tighter still. Lots of voosh, stretch, kick hard, tight, then tighter.” His hands pushed forward on his ‘voosh’ which I took to mean more speed and power. “Oh, and one more thing. If you fall on your ass one more time, it will officially be the biggest embarrassment to all of Russia.”

I nodded and moved out. Okay. Voosh. I cut my skates into the ice with as much power as I could create. Stretch… Kick hard. Tight. Tighter. My skate hit the ice and my face popped open in shock.

“You did it! Fantastic, Yurochka!”

I slammed into him and wrapped my flimsy arms around him as tight as I could.

“What’s this? Yurochka’s hugging me?” It took him a minute for the shock to wear off before he hugged me back.

“Thank you.”

“Woah, easy there, tiger. You’re going to kill me with shock.” He hugged me tighter. “Why now? Of all the times for you to finally… Why does it have to be now?” He wasn’t really talking to me, more to himself. I looked up at him and his pained look fell into a smile. “Now you look at me with those eyes without any anger. God, this is so hard. I hate saying goodbye and you’re the hardest one I’m going to have to make.”

Goodbye. Wait. What? I pushed back and he actually let me go for once without a struggle. “Goodbye?”

“I’m leaving Russia. Moving to Japan.” His voice creaked.

Japan. Wait. What?! Japan. Japan. Japan. Japan. No matter how many times I said it, it didn’t make any sense at all. Japan. What the fuck? Japan. The more times it ran through my mind the more it distorted into something that didn’t sound like a word at all. Japan. Japan. Japan.

“I’m going to train with a new coach and he’s from Japan and has family there so we decided that Japan would be the best place for our training.”

New coach. Wait. What? Japan. New coach. Viktor’s leaving Russia. Leaving Yakov. Leaving me. Why? Why? Why? Why? I kept trying to say it out loud but my voice wasn’t working right. Come on. Why? Why?

“I know this must be a bit of a shock to you. Look at it this way, you won’t have me to fuck up your clean ice anymore.” He gave his fake smile.

I don’t want clean ice. I want your ice. Scribbled on and scratched, but solid. Please, Viktor. Don’t go. Don’t leave Russia. Don’t leave Yakov. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. That’s what I’d screamed when Grandpa headed back to Moscow for a better job. Like a baby I’d screamed and clung to him. Don’t leave me alone with her. Don’t leave me alone. At least I understood why Grandpa was doing it. The salary in Moscow was triple what he could get in Peter’s and it was a better job. It just made sense. This makes no sense at all. Why leave? Why Japan? “Why?” My voice sounded smaller than I wanted it to but at least it was working again. “Why, Vitya?”

“I don’t really know how to answer that. I guess you could say that I met someone. That’s the most accurate way to say it. I met someone and I need to be with him. I need him.”

“A boy. You’re leaving Russia. Your career. Yakov.” Me. “For a boy.”

“Not just any boy. Yuri Katsuki. The kind of man I’ve always dreamed of. The man I’m going to marry.”

“The guy you said was going to beat you? You’re dating your competition?”

He laughed. “Yeah, and my coach.”

“What?”

“Yuri and I are going to coach each other.”

“You’re… dating your biggest competitor who is also… your new coach?”

“And my new student.” He smiled and stuck his finger up.

New student. He is the biggest fucking idiot to ever walk the planet. “I hope you two are very happy together.” I growled and shoved past him hoping that he fell but I didn’t bother to check.

“Please, Yurochka. Don’t be angry. I don’t want to leave you especially now that we were finally making progress together. You can call me whenever you want and skype if you want to show me something and get advice. Please, just don’t hate me for this.”

Call me whenever. That makes it all fucking better. Now I have two people I can call and say nothing to because I have nothing to say other than shit and more shit. “Go rot in Japan for all I care. The next time I talk to you will be when I’ve destroyed you on the ice. Fucking idiot.”

“Fine. If this is the last time you want to speak to me, at least give me a chance to say goodbye properly. Even if you don’t care about me, I care about you.” Liar. I stopped and he moved around me to face me. “I want you to remember tonight. You had a huge breakthrough with your skating. Don’t let that fall away just because you’re angry with me. You have so much potential and I know that you have the determination to make that mean something. I want to cheer for you at Worlds and poke at my neighbor and say, ‘I remember when he was just this angry little punk who was so goddamned determined to make it here. He’s come so far. I wonder if he’s still just as angry. I hope not.’” He put his hand under my chin and forced it up. “Keep your eyes up. You only ever look up when you hear something that matches your angry eyes. Maybe you’ll find that the world doesn’t look right through the same eyes when the scenery changes.”

I was trying to change my fucking scenery and you ruined it. “What is with your goddamn obsession with my fucking eyes, huh?”

His smile stretched thin under pained eyes. “I just see someone in them is all. And I see myself in you. I wasn’t as angry as you are, but I was just as hurt. I still am. That’s why I need to go. I need something that’s not here. I’m so sorry for leaving you. If you ever change your mind and want to talk, I will gladly take your call. And please, Yurochka, please be safe.”

Be safe. Be safe. “Don’t hold your breath. I don’t want to talk to anyone as fucking stupid as you are. You’re throwing everything away over a boy. Only an idiot would do that.” I smacked the locker room door open and waited to make sure he wasn’t going to follow me in before I sat down to take off my skates. I had just closed the locker door when I heard voices talking outside. I crept toward the door and pressed my ear up to it.

“Here’s for last month.” Viktor’s voice drifted in through the metal door. “If you give me your bank account info I can just wire you the money every month. That would be easiest I think, yes?”

“Sure. That’d be fine.” Who was that? Who was Viktor paying out there?

“And you’re free every night? I know it’s a lot to ask. If you find someone you want to split the load with, that’s fine with me as long as you say they’re responsible. I trust your judge of character.”

“Every night is fine. I don’t mind.”

“Thanks for doing this for me, Boris. I really appreciate it.” Boris? Why the hell is Viktor paying the Zamboni driver?

“You really love that kid, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do. I wish I could have told him that.”

“I’m sure he knows. You came out here just about every night for years for him. How could he not know?”

“I really don’t think he does.” He laughed. “I think he thinks I just come out to annoy him. Came out, I should say. Thanks again, Boris. You take care, okay?”

“You too. I’ll make sure I get it just perfect tomorrow. Maybe some extra clean ice will cheer him up.”

“Maybe.”

I waited, but the talking stopped. I fell back onto the bench and held back tears until I realized that he wouldn’t be coming in the locker room tonight to put his skates away. Fucking idiot. I don’t want clean ice. Tears splattered at my feet glistening like little tiny shards of broken glass.


	4. Chapter 4

I stared at the ice, my drawing from last night completely gone. Polished away and replaced with thousands of random strokes. Mila skated up to me and did a stupid hockey stop spraying ice all over me. “What the fuck, Mila? Can you stop with that dumb hockey shit? It’s annoying as hell and you look like an idiot.” I brushed the ice shavings off of me.

“Can you believe it about Vitya?! I just heard. I’m still in shock! Poor Yakov. I can’t believe he wants a new coach! And Japan! Why Japan? It makes no sense!”

“Whatever. He can go fuck up his career in Japan with some hack as his coach for all I care. Let him fuck up someone else’s ice. It’s better without his mind-numbing chatter about anything and everything.”

“Huh? What are you saying about him messing up the ice? He’s Viktor Nikiforov! He makes ice a million times more beautiful. You’re really not going to miss him?”

“No. Leave me alone.” I skated away but she followed me.

“And he didn’t even say goodbye! I’m so heartbroken. I can’t believe he left us all without saying a word.” She spotted Georgi across the rink and grabbed my hand to drag me over with her. “Georgi! Did he say goodbye to you? You’ve known him the longest other than Yakov.”

“No, he didn’t. What is he thinking? This is all so strange. Did you see his performance this weekend? It was awful. So unlike him. He got the lowest score he has in years.”

His performance? I didn’t even think to look up his. I assumed it was like every other and I had so many of Katsuki’s to watch. I hadn’t found a single answer in any of his shitty performances. Why him? What the hell could he possibly see in boring Yuri Katsuki and his spectacularly shitty performances? “I don’t want to fucking stand here and gossip about Viktor. Let me go, hag!” I jerked my arm, but she wouldn’t let go.

“No, you have to help us figure out what happened. This is a mystery and we need every mind involved to solve it. Did he say anything at all to you recently that would help explain this?”

“No.” Nothing about this was explainable.

“Come on, Yura. Care just a little for once. Viktor Nikiforov leaves Russia out of the blue and moves to Japan to train with a new coach?! How can you not care?”

“Just leave me the fuck alone!” I ripped my arm away from her as hard as I could while my voice echoed throughout the rink. I made it free and skated away as fast as my scrawny legs would let me.

“Yura! Come over here now!” Yakov’s voice made me cringe and want to skate further away but I turned and stopped in front of him staring at the snow-covered ice while he screamed. “You don’t talk to your rink mates like that! Go apologize right now!”

“No.”

“No?! What do you mean telling me no?! You don’t get to say no to your coach! And look at me when I’m speaking to you!”

“I don’t want to.”

“Get off the ice, Yura! Go sit on the bench until you’re ready to show some respect!”

“I don’t want to.”

He sputtered his anger spraying droplets of spit all over me. “Get off the ice, Yura! You’re done for the day!”

“Make me.” I skated away and went into my stomping step sequence from last night while Yakov’s rage filled the arena. Harder. Harder. Stomp harder. Break the fucking ice. I want to see it shatter. Liar. You said the monsters can’t get us up here. You said it was our home up here. Liar. Liar. Liar. You don’t love me. You don’t care about me. You’re a liar. An idiot liar. That’s all you ever were. Fake. It was all just a performance. Someone picked me up from the ice and I thrashed trying to get away. “Let me go! Get off of me! Put me down! Let me go!”

“Calm down, Yura. You’re going to get us both hurt.” Georgi. “What’s gotten into you today? You need to be careful. You can’t talk to your coach like that.”

“Let me go! Let me go!” I screamed over and over as they put me on the bench and held me down. Some part of me was aware of how ridiculous I was being, but I couldn’t stop.

“Yura, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you so much. Please calm down.” The stupid hag tried to hug me.

“Get off of me! Just leave me alone! Just get away from me!” I wriggled out from under their hands and ran into the locker room to change into my shoes then grabbed my bag and ran out the door. I stopped in the parking lot heaving, my hands on my knees. I looked over to the spot where Viktor had sat in his car last night making no show about why he was there. He watched me walk past him and waited for the bus to follow it through its rounds and drop me off near my house. He stopped at the corner and waited. I sat at the doorknob forever unable to find enough strength to shove that stupid door open. When I finally did, I looked back to see his car still there as I closed the door.

Liar. You don’t love me. If you did, you wouldn’t leave me alone with her for a talentless hack. Why him? He’s so old, if he were ever going to amount to anything, he would have by now. I don’t get it. He’s nowhere near your level. Why would he be your coach? Why would you choose a failure as your student? Why? Why? Why? The word echoed over and over as my shoes pounded the pavement away from the rink. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know anywhere other than school, rink, home. None of those were options right now.

I wasn’t looking where I was going and ran straight into the street. I heard the horn blaring and jumped back just in time for the car to do nothing but brush my hip. It still knocked me to the ground and pain shot through my already bruised ass and my head as it slammed into the ground. A new bruise on my hip already started forming. Be safe. Eyes up, Yura. Be safe.

The driver was shouting at me to come back as I got up, grabbed my bag and kept running. My head swirled in sickening waves as I ran. Be safe. He’s nothing but an idiot. Eyes up. So annoying. I believe in you. Liar. The monsters can’t get us up here. Liar. This is our home. Liar. I care about you. Liar. I enjoy spending time with you. Liar. Fake. Idiot. Liar. Annoying. Clingy. Liar. Liar. Liar. I don’t want to spend another second with you. Liar. Get away from me. Liar. Stay out of my life. Liar. Go rot in Japan for all I care. Liar. I never want to speak to you again. Liar. Liar. Liar.

Anger. So much anger I couldn’t hold it all and it spilled out around me. He would have said yes. Without even thinking, he would have said yes. He would have been happy about it. Overjoyed. Idiot. Why would you want to spend time with a person like me? Don’t you have anyone better to hang out with? He didn’t. He was just as lonely as I am and I was his best option. How sad. Now he had a better option. A better option in the form of a weak, talentless hack who would never amount to anything. Anger poured down the street.

I stared at the sparkling clear ice. I had never seen ice so clear before. Not a single bump or divot in the slick sheet. No one was here to fuck it up. I could wait as long as I wanted for it to harden as much as possible. The anger from earlier hadn’t gone away a single drop. I just eventually ran out of the energy to try to run it out of my body. My insides boiled so much I thought I might melt the ice if I stepped out there so instead I wandered around the mostly dark arena. One of the closets behind the bleachers was open just a crack and a slim light shone out.

“Hello? Is anyone here?” My stomach quivered like it did every time I opened the door to my house. I nudged the door open and Boris startled. “Oh. It’s just you. What are you still doing here?”

“Yuri. Oh, um, I was just finishing up some repairs before I went home.”

“Liar.” The word sounded strange out loud after being trapped in my head for so long. I pointed to the small TV he had running on the empty, greasy table.

“Shit. Um, I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

“Tell me what? Does this have something to do with the conversation you had with Viktor before he left?”

“Shit.”

“Tell me.” My voice growled.

“I’m just here to help if you get hurt.”

“What?! Viktor’s paying you to babysit me?!” My fists quaked at my sides.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I’m only here to provide assistance if you fall and get hurt. Not to keep you in check.”

“He thinks I can’t handle skating by myself?! Is that why he was always here?!”

“No, Yuri. It’s not like that. He cares about you. He likes skating with you but sometimes he couldn’t be here so he just had me sit out here in case you needed help. He was afraid you might fall and crack your head on the ice and have no one here to help you. He’s not trying to say that you can’t handle it. It’s just not safe to skate alone.”

“He skates alone!”

“He worries about you, Yuri. Don’t be angry about that. It’s nice to have someone that cares so much about you.”

“How long has he been paying you for?!”

“Since you started skating at night.”

“You mean I’ve never been alone here once?!”

“No.” He puffed his round cheeks out then blew the air up at the wisps of hair clinging to his head.

“That bastard! Sneaking around, buying babysitters for me.”

“Yuri, I said already it’s not like that at all. He loves you like a brother. He just wants to make sure you’re safe. It’s not a big deal having me here. I just hang out and watch TV. I don’t bother you. If you crack your head, then you just have someone here to call an ambulance. That’s all. Why are you so mad that he wants you to be safe?”

Be safe. It’s all an act. A performance. He doesn’t really care about me. But he’s the best performer in the world and the best performances are never fake. It was real. He was just done with living in this performance. I stomped back to the ice Viktor had exited and left blank for someone else to fill in. I pulled out my phone and hit the green button next to his contact listing.

“Yurochka?” His voice sounded groggy. “Yurochka, I’m so glad you called. I miss you already. What time is it?... Are you skating now? Draw me something beautiful out there. You should come out to Japan this summer so we can all skate together. Are-”

I hung up the phone and slammed it down onto the rail. Real performances are worse. Fake ones don’t hurt when they’re over. I stepped onto the ice and started to draw.

“Yura! Keep your damn eyes off the ice! It’s not going anywhere!” Yakov's voice bounced around the rink. Yes, it is. Ice doesn’t shatter like glass but it can melt away from under you. “Why have you started this rookie business now?! Look up, Yura!” I looked up and slid into a quad flip and back out again across the ice to the sounds of gasps and applause. “Yuri Plisetsky, where did you learn that?! Who taught- Vitka.” His voice filled with gravel.

“I’m not a rookie, coach. Stop holding me back. I need to be ready for seniors. I need to be good enough to defeat him before he retires.”

“You don’t have to defeat him directly. The chances of him going past this season are almost non-existent. You can prove yourself by breaking his records.”

“I need to face him in competition.” It was the goal I’d set for myself eleven years ago. It was the last thing left for me to hold on to.

“There may not be much you can do about that. You’ve still got a whole season ahead of you before you can even face him and you want to be good enough to defeat him your first year out? No matter what he wants to do, his body won’t last much past that. The amount of training and pushing it would take to do that would likely break you. Be smart about this, Yura.”

“Either help me or I’ll find a new coach.” It was a low blow, but I needed his help.

“You’re going to destroy your career chasing some vanity prize.”

“I don’t care. Are you taking off my handcuffs or not?”

“No quads in competition still but I’ll push you harder in practice.”

“No limits on my jumps. And I want to start training with Lilia.”

He grunted. “And don’t you dare cry to me when your body is destroyed and you can’t skate anymore.”

“Deal.” I moved out to a clear spot of ice and vooshed into another flip.

“Yura! When did Vitya teach you his jump?!” Mila skated up next to me. “It was so well done too! Amazing. You looked just like a little Vitya just now.”

“Shut up, hag. Leave me the hell alone.” I looked up from the ice long enough to see Yakov’s disappointed face as he shook his head at me. Whatever. I don’t need anyone to like me. I just need them to stay the hell out of my way.


	5. Chapter 5

‘Talentless hack somehow scams his way to silver at the Grand Prix.’ That’s what the headline should have read. What the fuck was he even doing changing his entire routine just weeks before the Grand Prix? I couldn’t decide what was worse. That he did it, or that he pulled it off. I’d been working to the point of breaking for months on my program to get gold in the junior’s division. He just scrapes something together on a whim and lands a silver just barely behind the person he’d dragged back up to gold? Granted, it was Viktor Nikiforov he was dragging back up, but his season had been so terrible so far. He was all over the place on the ice and suddenly he snaps back even better than before. What the hell were these two guys even doing? Not a single person in the entire damn world could figure it out.

“I need something that’s not here.” What did this other Yuri have that Viktor needed so badly? He’d said in interview after interview that he needed Yuri’s love, but Viktor had skated just fine without it before. What happened to make him need it? Why would a talentless Yuri be able to pull him up from failure and Yakov couldn’t? I planned on stalking them at the banquet after the Grand Prix, but they hadn’t shown up. I guess it’s not like they needed to sweet talk any sponsors. I’d been searching for answers for months and still there were none. Why? Why did you have to leave me? Just ask him, idiot. Demand that he answers you. I closed the articles on my phone and tossed it on the hotel bed. Just call him and ask why. Maybe that will settle my nerves: finally having the answer to the question the entire world wants to know. I picked the phone back up and hit the green button next to his name.

“Yurochka. I’m glad you called. Are you going to say anything this time?... No? Okay, I’ll talk then. You did wonderful at the final. I poked Yuri and said, ‘That’s the angriest punk you’ll ever meet, but isn’t he so beautiful on the ice? He’s finally learning to trust himself and he doesn’t jump like a little fishy anymore. Did he fill his head with meat jelly or with clear ice?’ Yuri looked at me like I was crazy of course then I said, ‘I wonder if he’s still just as angry. I hope not.’

Are you still drawing me beautiful designs out there? Sometimes I think you are but then you call and say nothing just to tell me how angry with me you still are. I heard you’re training with Lilia now. How did you pull that off before you reached seniors? Did you sweet talk Yakov into it? I doubt it. Mila tells me that you’ve been getting meaner. She doesn’t even try to talk to you anymore. No one does. Please stop that, Yura. You’re only hurting yourself. If you push everyone away long enough your anger is going to become fixed in you. The Yura who skated for me had more than anger. Please tell me that hasn’t changed… Still nothing, huh?

I guess you called for help with your nerves for Worlds, yes? Your short program was fantastic, but be careful. I’m seeing your hunger to win slipping back in. You’re better than a cheap performance. Clear the ice in your mind and I’m certain you will stun them. Oh, wait, don’t hang up. I’m sorry. I was being too nice. I forgot that both my Yuri’s perform better under fire. Okay, just hang on one second and I’ll get it right… Yurochka, if you fall on your ass and embarrass all of Russia tonight, know that I will be laughing so hard they’ll probably have to call an ambulance to help me from the floor. And you know what I’m going to say to Yuri? I’ll say, ‘Can you believe it? That’s the little fishy flopping on the ice who thinks he can beat us.’ And I’ll say it right in front of you so he can enjoy your wet kitten impersonation too and laugh with me. You’re so cute when you’re angry. Please say something back? I’m still happy that you call, but I’d love to hear you speak to me again even if it’s to yell at me. If you’ve forgiven me at all, please yell at me again. I really do miss you… Say hi to us at the banquet? Please?”

I hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed, the question that had been haunting me still unanswered. Was it really so unanswered? He was lonely. He wanted love. Is that really so hard to understand? Not like I ever gave him any. Focus. Stop worrying about stupid Viktor and stupid Yuri Katsuki. I’ve got my own performance to worry about.

I was skating last so the ice wasn’t clear, but it didn’t matter. My strokes cut away at theirs and there’s nothing they can do to stop me. Not like any of them actually wrote something worth reading out here anyway. I was so far ahead after my short and their scores were so low, I could fall on every jump and still beat them. Incompetent little shits. Oh well. I wasn’t skating for them.

The applause started to die out as I moved to the middle and set up my opening position. One last voice cried out loud and clear, “Davai, Yura!” I looked around the audience at the rail and some guy with black hair, long on top and shaved on the sides was just moving his hand down from the side of his mouth. He gave me a thumbs up when I looked at him. Who was that asshole? Do I know him? He must be a competitor or maybe a family member of one if he was at the rail. Oh well, whatever. I thought for a second it was Viktor shouting, but I guess not. Was he even watching or was he too busy getting himself and his new student ready for their performances?

My skate cut a shallow arc across the ice. New student. Yuri Katsuki. Another Yuri. Yuri. Yuri. Yuri. He said the name so much. In interviews. In recorded conversations with him. Yuri. Not Yura. Not Yurochka. Not his old student. Yuri Katsuki. The shittiest skater ever to compete at their level. But not. Not the shittiest. One of the best. Viktor saw a shitty performer and saw something that made him want to leave everything just so he could take away what was in his way and make everyone else see what he did. He tried to do that for me too, but I didn’t let him. I rejected him and he shrugged and said, “Oh well. I’ll just go find another Yuri.” Why did he never give him Russian nicknames? That’s something Viktor would do. He loves making everything “adorable”. He was keeping us separate. He’s Yuri, not Yura. Not Yurochka. Not me. He’s the Yuri that he needs. He’s the Yuri who didn’t reject him. He’s the Yuri who always smiles when he looks at him. He’s the Yuri who offers him his arms and is never the first to let go. He’s the Yuri who helps him too instead of just taking from him and giving him shit while he does it. Triple flip. So easy after nailing the quad flip. My skate left a long cut away from the interruption in the pattern where I left the ice. Why wouldn’t he leave me for that? I’d leave me for a whole lot less than a Yuri Katsuki.

Yuri Katsuki. The man who stole Viktor from me with falls and stumbles. Damsel in distress. I guess that’s a common way to snare a guy. But he wasn’t. Viktor was the one who fell and needed help up. Yuri was the one who got up so easily even after the worst falls. Viktor fell and didn’t know how to get up. Yura wasn’t strong enough to help him up, but Yuri was. Triple double triple combo. Still too easy. Yura didn’t even know that Viktor had fallen. I guess it was obvious now. He’d been so clingy the last few months he was in Russia. He barely missed any nights at the rink with me. He glomped me any chance he got and I just dumped him back on the ground. Eyes up, Yura. Please just let me see you look at me. It doesn’t even have to be without anger. Just please look at me. I see someone in them. Someone he needed. Who was it, Vitya? I never asked. Never cared enough to ask. Yuri asked. Of course he did. Viktor had fallen on the ice in his mind months before that performance. For months, I had skated around him on the ground stomping on him. Calling him an idiot. Loser. Asshole. Annoying. Get off of me. Get away from me. I don’t want to spend another second with you. And still: Look up. Be safe. I believe in you.

Thank you, Yuri, for helping him back up when I didn’t.

I didn’t because I’m the world’s biggest asshole. Why wouldn’t I be? The world’s biggest asshole born of the world’s biggest loser and the world’s biggest bitch. Two-footed the last jump. Damn it. I hate that more than falling. It’s the coward’s failure. If you’re not going to nail it, you deserve to get smacked in the ass. Loser. I froze in the last pose and watched as the anger poured out along with my sweat and dripped onto the ice melting it away.

What the hell are they doing now? They’d clinched gold and silver with Viktor beating his own world record again in a performance that would likely never be forgotten and they’re standing here talking to some old couple and looking upset? Who are these people? Why is Yuri looking like he wants to rip those reporters apart? That old guy… he looks a lot like Viktor. Same pale coloring. Are those his parents? Why do they look so pissed? How close can I get before they notice me? I pulled my hood up and snuck closer. I still couldn’t hear anything, but I didn’t dare get any closer. I grabbed my phone and pretended to be busy on it. Why would his parents be pissed right after he just broke a fucking world record? That makes no sense. Even my mom would be pretending to be thrilled with me if there were reporters lurking about. And seriously, why does Yuri look like he’s about to kill someone? That is not the Yuri who blushes and stutters through every interview. I couldn’t see Viktor’s face from this angle but just as I was about to move to a better angle, it became unnecessary. Yuri lunged forward in front of Viktor and started in on his parents. Protecting him. Why did Viktor need protection from his parents? It must have been bad too if that Yuri had turned into this Yuri to do it. I had to know. I moved a few steps closer and started picking up a few words here and there. Wait. Those are Russian words. Shitty Russian, but he clearly wasn’t struggling for which words to use; just how to say them.

Wait. Frivolous. I heard that one clearly. Woah, that one seemed to have set him off even more. Frivolous… Did his parents think skating was frivolous? They didn’t approve of Viktor doing this? Seriously? That can’t be true. Even if they didn’t like skating, Viktor is easily the best in the world. Parents dream of their kids doing shit like that. Well, most parents. Were they really like my mom? They didn’t look it, but my mom can put on an act too in public. I see myself in you. I was just as hurt as you are. I still am. Did he really mean that? Yuri most definitely hates them. I’d imagine it’d take a lot to make a quiet guy like him lose his fucking head in public like that. Davai, Yuri! Tear them to shreds! He looks like a totally different person. Alexei. That one was clear. Alexei. Was that his dad? No, he’d said Vadim earlier and pointed at him. Oh, Yuri’s done. He’s just standing there shaking now. And they look… ashamed. Good job, Yuri. Holy shit… Did he make them cry? He didn’t just make them cry, they’re hugging Viktor. Apologizing. Viktor’s speaking now. Come on, old man. Speak up. Yuri’s Russian was bad but at least it was loud. Lyosha. Again him. Lyosha. Who is that? They’re smiling. Making up. Did Yuri really just yell at them into apologizing for being shitty parents? Who the hell was this guy? I shoved my phone in my pocket and walked away. I’d definitely trade me for a lot less than a Yuri Katsuki.

I stared at the suit on my bed. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to put this stupid thing on. I didn’t want to try to be nice to sponsors. I didn’t want to watch Yuri remind me with everything he does exactly why Viktor chose Yuri over Yura. Before I couldn’t see it. Now it was all I could see. If you’ve forgiven me at all, please yell at me again. Yeah, okay. I can do that. Yelling isn’t talking. I stuffed my body into the stupid suit and headed downstairs.

Yakov spotted me first and grabbed my arm. “Yura, if I catch you drinking tonight, you’ll be spending tomorrow morning doing suicide drills. Got it?”

“Yeah, I got it. Now get off me.” I jerked my arm free and went to go look for Viktor. Not like I wanted to drink anyway. I wandered around for a while grabbing weird little stacks of food from the table. One looked especially strange with something black on it. What kind of food is black? I popped it in my mouth and it turned out to be one of the tastiest I’d had. Huh, black is the best for everything. I loaded up a plate with more of them and went to go make another round. Was he not going to show up after all? He’d said he was coming. People kept stopping to congratulate me and trying not to be a total dick was a lot harder than it should have been. Yet another reminder of what a complete asshole I am. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Easy enough word to say. It felt like my mouth was filled with rocks every time I said it.

“Hey, Yura. I liked your performance tonight. It was really good.”

Yura. Yura. Who was this asshole? Why is he using Yura? Oh, black hair dude from earlier. Seriously, do I know this guy? I don’t think I do, but he’s using Yura so casually. Weird fan? “Uh, thanks. Hey, do we-” Viktor and Yuri finally walked in the door. “I gotta go.” I shoved the plate of black food in his hands. “Here. It’s good.” I ran off to go find a corner where they wouldn’t see me. So, I’m an asshole, but at least I’m an asshole who fed him, right? Yeah, not being an asshole is hard.

Yuri went back to the table to get more food. Again. Seriously, what is with this guy? Just a few hours ago he was ripping new assholes into his boyfriend’s parents and now he’s clinging to Viktor looking sick and eating like a pig? Viktor loves surprises. I guess I can see why he’d be attracted to even this Yuri. It’s like the guy has multiple personality disorder or something. Even I was getting a little obsessed with figuring out exactly what this guy was going to do next. A little obsessed. Yeah, sure, lie to yourself, asshole. Not like you’ve barely thought of anything else the last several months. Viktor looks worried about him. Is something wrong? Shit. He’s leaving. I’m going to miss my chance. Come on, coward. You can at least tell him you’re not mad at him. I crept out of my corner and snuck up behind him to land my foot solidly on his back. His face was turned just enough for me to see the smile before he replaced it with his bored look.

“Ah, Yurochka. Did you fall on your ass tonight as well or did you actually manage to not embarrass all of Russia?”

I clenched my teeth to hold back a smile. Being an asshole to him was really hard. “Shut up, old man. Next season, I’ll be kicking your ass on the ice.”

“You’re going to have to get in line. So many people have said that to me over the years and yet there’s only one person who I believe actually can.” He turned to Yuri with a smile. “Yuri Plisetsky, meet Yuri Katsuki, the man who will be stopping you from reaching gold for the next several years.” Yuri said hi and shook my hand then looked at Viktor. “You share a name. Isn’t that funny? You two couldn’t be more opposite if you tried.” Yeah. I know. Don’t need to rub it in. Viktor whispered something to him. Probably something about how he’s the better Yuri by far.

Wait. Yuri’s stopping me? “Oi, what about you, old man? You’re not retiring already, are you?” Please don’t retire now. I have to face you on the ice.

“Well, Yuri hasn't said when I'll be retiring. I think I'm competing next year. He hasn't said otherwise.”

“What the hell does that mean? You’re letting him decide when you retire?!”

“Yes, I am. Ask him if you want to know when I’m retiring.”

Yeah okay, I’m an asshole, but he really is an idiot. “Have you lost your damn mind? First you leave Yakov out of the blue in the middle of a season and now you’re letting your competition decide when you retire? Those news articles were right after all. You’ve had a nervous breakdown, haven’t you?”

“He’s my competition, but he’s also my coach and my boyfriend. Someone in that position most certainly gets the right to have input on my career.”

“Yeah, input, but you said he’s the one deciding.”

“Ah, yeah. I owed him.”

“What did you owe him?”

“Everything.” Viktor kissed him without any shame or concern for being in public. Yuri at least had some sense of shame and turned red.

“Ew, gross. You better not steal him from skating before I get a chance to compete against him.” I jabbed my finger in Yuri’s face and he leaned away from me with his eyes huge. Apparently, he’s a coward too. At least there’s one thing we have in common.

Yuri tightened his fists and stood back straight forcing me to take a step back. “Don’t worry, I don’t want to let our rivalry end just yet. You’ll get your chance to compete against him, but you’re going to have to be happy with bronze until I let him retire, Yurochka.” Yurochka. Why does he think he can use that name? Asshole. Not a coward after all. I finally get one thing and you steal that away too. He even had the balls to laugh in my face. Viktor was laughing too, not at me though. His eyes barely left Yuri’s. Oi, old man, don’t you want to tell me to look up? I’ll do it this time without the anger. I promise. I get why you don’t want me, but don’t you at least want whoever it is that you saw in my eyes still? Or did you leave them too? Did Yuri make everyone else irrelevant? Of course he did. He’s fucking Yuri Katsuki. Not pathetic Yuri Plisetsky. I need to get out of here before I do something stupid like hugging him and telling him that I’m sorry I’m such an asshole. Why would he even care? He has Yuri Katsuki now. He doesn’t need anyone else. I forced myself away, but I couldn’t resist saying one last thing.

“Oi, old man, Yakov misses you.” I miss you. “You really hurt him by leaving like that.”

Viktor cut the laughter and nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I had to.” Did he hear it? Did he read it like he read my ice? He looked right at me for the first time, his face determined like it was when he told me he believed in me. Don’t lie to yourself, loser. He couldn’t possibly give a shit about you.

“Tell him, not me.” I need to find a bathroom or something before I cry in front of everyone.

I just made it down the hall when I ran smack into someone. “Oh! Yura. It’s you. Are you okay?”

The black-haired guy again. What the hell is this dude’s problem? Why does he keep showing up? His hands were still on my shoulders from trying to rebalance us after our collision. “Get off me, asshole.” I knocked his hands off of me which was easier than I expected considering his size and strength compared to mine. It always took a lot more force to get Viktor off of me.

“I’m sorry. I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going. Did I hurt you?”

“I’m fine. Just leave me alone, asshole.” He stared at me without flinching then a small smile turned his mouth.

“That food you gave me was really good. You have great taste. Thanks.”

What the hell is with this guy? He doesn’t even care that I’m calling him an asshole? “Who the fuck are you?”

“Ah, I’m sorry. It has been a long time. I guess you don’t recognize me. I’m Otabek Altin. Hey, are you okay? You look upset.”

Otabek Altin. That did nothing to help me figure out who he was. “Leave me alone, asshole.” I turned around and headed back into the party. I guess that crash knocked some sense back into me. I need sponsors and the guys who hang around last are usually the desperate ones. Ones willing to talk to an asshole as long as he has talent. Viktor had left Yuri alone and he was surrounded by assholes trying to steal what was Viktor’s. I watched to make sure this prick wasn’t one of those guys who would play behind someone’s back. To his credit, he looked horribly uncomfortable and kept looking at Viktor like he was begging him to come back. When Chris came up to be Chris, he looked like he would crumple in on himself if he tried to pull away from the handsy bastard any more.

“Hey, you’re Yuri Plisetsky, right?” Some old dude with a shiny head and shinier nose grabbed my hand.

“Yeah.”

“You’re quite the talented young skater. Are you looking forward to your senior debut?”

“Yeah.”

He laughed. “You sound very convincing. Tell me, who’s the person you’re most looking forward to facing on the ice? Let me guess, Viktor Nikiforov.”

“Yeah. Him and Yuri Katsuki.”

“Oh boy is that a loaded name. The man who stole Nikiforov from Russia and surprised everyone with some hidden talent so late in his career. Are you looking to defeat him as a vengeance for Russia?”

“No.”

“So why him then? I mean Viktor is obvious. Everyone’s looking to steal his title as world’s best. But I haven’t heard too many people mention Katsuki. Most seem to think it’s a fluke or something like that.”

“It’s not a fluke. If Viktor chose him it’s because he saw his talent. Viktor doesn’t make mistakes on things like that. He made the right choice.”

“Woah, are you sure you want to be going around saying things like that when you still live in Russia?”

“I don’t give a shit what people say about me.”

“Well, just be glad I’m not a reporter. I think what you said are words that might be your last if they got around. So, we never got around to that answer. Why Katsuki?”

“He’s going to be the one to beat.”

“You really think so? You think he’s going to beat Nikiforov?”

“Viktor said he will so he will.”

“Ah, he’s just saying that because he’s dating the guy.”

“He’s not.”

“Well, I guess you skated with the man long enough you must have some insights into how he works. Were you guys close when he lived there?”

I believe in you. Be safe. Eyes up. You’re an idiot. I don’t want to spend one more second with you. Stay out of my life. “No.”

“That’s a shame. Hey, so let’s end the small talk and get down to business, shall we?”

“Fine with me.”

“So, I’ll be honest with you. My company’s product is a bit out there. It needs someone edgy like you to pull it off.”

“Why did you make it if it’s so hard to sell?”

He laughed. “I’m just the guy who gets paid to make people want to buy it. I honestly have no idea what the guys up top are thinking, but whatever. They pay me. I’m not exactly great at my job, am I? I guess that’s why they don’t pay me much.”

“What’s the product?”

“You wear animal print stuff, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, so take a look at these.” He pulled out his folded catalog from his jacket and flipped through a few pages of guys wearing animal print leggings. “Okay, before I try to sell you more, what do you think of them?”

“Uh… they look tight.”

“Yeah. They’d be good to skate in, right? Very stretchy.”

“You want me to fucking skate in those?”

“Yeah, I know. I’d have the same reaction too. Seriously, what guy would want to wear these? At least you didn’t laugh at me though.”

“Well, at least the animal print part is cool. It’s just in the wrong place and way too tight.”

“Yeah, I know. Looks a little gay, huh? Okay, so how much would it cost to get you to skate in these for at least a few televised events in warm ups and such and wear them where paparazzi would see you? We definitely want to see you wearing them going about your day so the average guy thinks he can wear them like that too.”

“You really do suck at your job. I don’t think you’re supposed to open your negotiations by saying the product makes you look gay.”

“That is very true. However, I didn’t say it’d make you look gay. I think you could actually pull it off. You’ve got the right attitude for it. And you’ve got those fangirls who think everything you do is awesome. You just go out wearing them and tell the first asshole who gives you shit to fuck off and bam. Instant cool.”

“Yeah, but you’re forgetting the part where I do look like a fucking girl and everyone already assumes that I’m gay. If your plan is to make them look less gay, I don’t think I’m your guy.”

“So, be gay and fucking awesome in leopard print tights. Russia’s Bad-Ass Ice Fairy. Seriously, it’s a pretty awesome image. The pretty punk who just doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.”

“Hey, I didn’t say I was actually gay, asshole.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to say that. Just, that’s the image you have, right?”

“I guess so.”

“So, give me your number. What would it take to get you to wear them?”

“Um… I have no idea what to say. Yakov usually handles stuff like this for me. I can try to find him.”

“You’re going into seniors. You should be able to give me a number, huh? Time to man up, pretty boy.”

Heh, this guy’s not too bad. At least he’s not a fake asshole like the rest. “Fine. Fifty thousand US dollars.”

He whistled. “Damn, pretty boy. You manned up alright. You really hate them that much, huh? Can’t say I blame you. I can’t do quite that much and still have job to come back to, but I could do twenty thousand if you throw in a blowjob for my troubles. I’m certainly going to get yelled at for that.”

I laughed. So, the guy’s a creep, but at least he’s not a fake creep. That’s something, right? “How much without the blowjob?”

“Damn. I was hoping you’d be just as desperate as I am. Oh well. I could do ten thousand and only get yelled at a little.”

Not enough to bring Grandpa home, but maybe he could cut his hours. And all I’d have to do is wear some stupid tights? “Deal.”

He shook my hand. “Congratulations on your first business deal like a real man. You handled yourself quite well, though you may come across as off-putting to most people.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not here to kiss asses. The most I can do is try not to be the world’s biggest asshole.”

He laughed. “Going for world’s second biggest, huh? But I liked you so don’t worry about that. Here, email me and I’ll forward you the contract for your lawyer to look over and we’ll get the check to you as soon as we get it back. Okay?” He handed me his card. “Good luck next year.” He waved and walked off.

Huh. World’s nicest and most honest creep. Interesting.

What the fuck is that Chris guy doing? Dude was in his fucking underwear and holding a microphone. And is that a fucking stripper pole? What is this asshole up to now? I walked over to where the crowd was forming. Wait. Is that Yuri who’s half-dressed standing by the pole? No. It can’t be. Dude was nearly having a meltdown less than an hour ago. I worked in closer to the pole. Holy shit. It is him. Why is he half-dressed at a stripper pole? Is he really planning on dancing? Chris came over to the pole and the music changed to some techno thing. It sucked, but at least it was better than the classical shit. He started writhing around the pole like he was fucking it right here in front of all of us. God, what is with this guy? He has absolutely no shame. I guess it was kinda hot. I mean, if you want someone who’s going to let you do literally anything, Chris is your man. I guess I could see the appeal in that. And the guy was good-looking. He’s like a sex doll come to life. Ew. He licked the pole and then grabbed Yuri and licked him too. Hah, Yuri doesn’t look happy with him at all. I’m surprised Viktor didn’t go punch him right there. I guess they’re friends though so he can get away with a bit more. His music ended and people started cheering for him. Really? That many people liked that, huh?

Yuri moved up to grip the pole. Holy shit. He’s really going to dance. Who the fuck is this guy? He stared at Viktor with eyes like he was hunting him. My stomach did a little flip and then his music started up. Holy shit he’s strong. He pulled himself completely upside down with just his hands. Awesome song too. It’s saying he’s a girl, but whatever. I guess when you’re gay, you’re a little less concerned for stuff like that. But he doesn’t look girly at all. He actually looks like he’s dominating the fuck out of Viktor. He moved through poses on the pole like a fucking cat and he can really dance too. He was dirty, but still classy unlike Chris. He took off his shirt and my stomach started boiling. Oh, shit. Fuck, no. No. No. No. Stupid body. You are not getting turned on by this! Damn it. I shoved my hand in my pocket to hold down my traitorous dick and realized that Viktor had been doing the same for quite a while. At least he had Yuri’s jacket to help cover himself. Oh god. No. I am not getting turned on like this by a guy. Not by the guy who fucking stole the one person left near me who actually gave a shit about me. I’m supposed to hate him, not want him to fuck me, you stupid body. What the actual fuck? I don’t even want to fuck him, I want him to fuck me? God… I really am a gay ass little bitch. Fuck you, Yuri Katsuki. You destroy absolutely everything in my life.

He grabbed Viktor and gave him the hottest kiss I’d ever seen in my life then shoved him away like he was done with him. Please, Yuri, if you’re done with him, take me next. What the fuck. I didn’t really just think that, did I? Yuri, please look this way just once. I want to know what it feels like to have someone want me like he does Viktor. Wanted for an image by thousands, but unwanted by people who know who we really are. That’s what Viktor and I shared. That’s why he made an effort to help me. Yuri reached out when he failed. He didn’t want just the perfect Viktor. He wanted a Viktor that has flaws and he wants him without holding back and that’s why Viktor is fucking destroyed just by having Yuri look at him like that. Unwanted. I don’t want to spend another second with you. I don’t want you here. Stay away from me. Get off of me. And I have the balls to sit here with a fucking boner wanting the person who finally told him he wanted him. Is there a title past world’s biggest asshole?

Oh, thank god. He’s done. I ran to the bathroom and yanked my pants off then grabbed a wad of toilet paper. Stupid fucking Yuri Katsuki. Why? Why are you so fucking hot on top of everything else? Couldn’t you leave at least one part of me alone? His fucking dance replayed through my mind easily, burned there to torture me. Yuri, without saying a word, told me exactly who I am. I’m a gay ass little bitch who is the world’s biggest asshole who nobody wants for that very reason. Shit. I’m fucking gay. Mom was right after all. Someone’s going to destroy your dreams like you did to mine. The man who will be stopping me from reaching gold. Yuri fucking Katsuki. I filled the toilet paper more than I ever had before. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I put my dick away and flushed the evidence of my twisted fucking body down the toilet.

I pushed the stall door open and stopped dead. Fuck. That black-haired guy was standing at the sink. Did he hear me? He turned around, his face a bit red. Shit.

“Hey, that Katsuki guy was pretty hot, huh?” Wait. Did he mean that he was jerking off too? “He’s not really my type, but I can still appreciate talent. You think he used to be a stripper or something? He was really good.”

Yuri Katsuki. Stripper. Honestly not much could surprise me about this guy at this point. “What, are you gay or something, asshole?”

“Yeah, I am. Aren’t you?” He gave a little smirk.

“Fuck off, asshole.” I kicked the door open and stormed out into the banquet hall where Yuri fucking Katsuki was back on the goddamn stripper pole. Fuck my life. I should have turned and ran right there, but I was the stupid fucking moth and Yuri Katsuki was the goddamn flame. I walked closer until I realized that I was right next to Viktor who was still drooling like Yuri had fucking lobotomized him. Yuri pinned Chris to the pole and left him incapable of fighting back as he completely destroyed him while Chris looked terrified and horribly turned on. I know how you feel, Chris. I looked over at Viktor and guilt punched me in the fucking gut. I just jerked off to his boyfriend and would do it again and if I went over and was nice, he’d be fucking thrilled. Why don’t you hate me? Don’t you know who I am? I can’t talk to him, but I can yell at him. Kill a whole bunch of birds with one stone.

“Ew. Gross. That’s the guy you say can beat you? Why are you with that stupid pig? I looked up his performances. He falls so much. Pathetic.”

Viktor just smiled without taking his eyes from Yuri. “Weren’t minors supposed to go to bed?”

“I do what I want.”

“So, you want to watch my boyfriend pole dance? Can’t say I blame you; he is so hot.”

Shit. Did he already figure me out? “Ew! No! Gross! This is so disgusting.”

“Really? Then why are you here?” Yuri called Georgi over who left and came back with a bottle of Champagne. He started chugging it and pouring it into Chris’s mouth while he continued to dance with him as his toy. Lucky bastard.

“I was just wondering what you saw in that talentless hack.”

“Ah, Yurochka, you’ve never been one to deny talent before. You saw him at the Grand Prix and tonight. He was splendid.”

“Yeah, well one good competition doesn’t make up for all his failures before. It was probably just a fluke.”

“You better learn to respect him because he’s going to be beating you for a long time. He can beat you in any measure, any time.” Yeah, I fucking know. “Oh, and you’re going to be spending the summer with us in Japan.”

“What?!” Shit! No! He’s fucking joking. He’s fucking joking. He can’t be serious. I can’t spend an entire summer with him and fucking Yuri Katsuki! “No! You can’t make me! I’m not going!”

“Yakov already decided it’d be good for your training.”

“No! You can’t make me!” No, no, no, no, no! Fuck! This can’t be happening.

“I’ll tell you what, you beat him in a dance and we won’t make you go.”

Yeah, like I have any chance of that helping me out of this shitty situation. “I’m not pole dancing!”

“Of course not. Yuri can do just about anything. You can pick another dance. And he’s drunk so you might be able to pull off a win, right? But if he wins, you come without a fuss.”

Pick a dance. Is there a dance where I might actually stand a chance? He’s drunk. Maybe. “Fine. But he has to put his clothes back on.”

Viktor just nodded as Yuri had caught his eye again as he writhed down Chris’s body. Yuri gave him a grin that made Viktor double over.

Oh god. I’m fucking done for. I need to get out of here. “Let me know when you two are done being disgusting.” Fuck my life a million times over.

The black-haired guy was hanging out at the banquet table filling a small plate with more of those weird black things. He had his back turned toward me while I stared at him debating my options for recovering from this disaster. He didn’t seem to mind me being an asshole to him and he looked like the kind of guy who might hang out in clubs. Maybe he’d be useful.

“Hey, asshole. Can I ask you something?”

“Oh, hey, Yura. Sure. Go ahead.” He offered me his plate and I grabbed one.

Yura. I must know him from somewhere. He apparently remembers me but I have no idea who the fuck he is. He must really know me though if he doesn’t even flinch when I call him an asshole. “What’s the worst dance you could do while drunk?”

“Worst? In what way?”

“Like the hardest to do while drunk. The last thing you’d want to do after guzzling Champagne.”

“Oh, um… Breakdancing. I don’t think I’d want to spin upside down while drunk.”

“Breakdancing… Shit. That doesn’t help me much. I have no idea how to breakdance. Then again, I don’t know how to do any dance other than ballet and I know he’d just kick my ass in that for sure.”

“Really? Someone could beat you at ballet? You’re really good at it.”

“Yuri fucking Katsuki. Yeah, he’d probably kick my ass. Besides, I don’t think ballet is something you’re supposed to choose for a dance off.”

“Oh, yeah, that’d be a strange dance off. But if it’s the only one you know…”

“I don’t need to know it. I just need him not to be able to do it. If he can do it, I’m fucked. I know he can do ballet. He’s a skater.”

“I’m a skater and I still can’t do ballet. I suck just as much as I did five years ago.”

Skater. Okay, that answered one question at least. “Yeah, but I know Katsuki can do ballet.”

“Yeah, he’s definitely a skater who’s studied it thoroughly. So, you got sucked into a dance off, huh?”

“Fucking shoot me.”

“Is this for honor or is there a bet on it?”

“I’m dancing for my fucking life here.”

“Wow. So serious.”

“You think Katsuki knows how to breakdance?”

“I have no idea. I wouldn’t have thought so half an hour ago, but now…” He turned to watch Yuri leading Viktor through some incredibly sexy Latin dance with both of them looking like they were having the time of their fucking lives.

“Fuck.”

“How’d you get roped into a dance off for your life with Katsuki?”

“Fucking idiot Viktor told Yakov to send me to fucking Japan for the summer. If I win, I don’t have to go.”

“Is that really for your life? A trip to Japan sounds pretty cool.”

“Maybe if I didn’t have to spend it with fucking Viktor and Yuri.”

“Are they that bad? Or do you not want to be around them because of why you were in the bathroom earlier?” His stone face pulled up some humanity with his smirk from earlier.

“Shut the fuck up, asshole. Don’t you dare tell anyone about that.” I stole another bite of food from his plate and stomped away.

“Or what? You’ll cut me with your knife shoes?” He called out with a smile. Who the fuck is that guy and where do I know him? He’s a strange person.

I moved closer to where Yuri was showing off how much of his bitch Viktor is while Viktor loved every second of it. I guess being at the top for so long got boring. Breakdancing. God, I’m going to embarrass the hell out of myself.

“Ah, Yurochka! I forgot about your dance. I’m sorry.” He turned to Yuri. “Sorry, I volunteered you again. Yurochka wants to dance off against you.”

“No, I don’t! I just don’t want to go to stupid Japan! We’re doing a breakdance so hurry up.” I went to the DJ to make a request and when I got there, the black-haired guy, Otabek- what the hell kind of name is Otabek?- was standing there. Why does this guy keep showing up everywhere?

“Hey, Yura. Can I make the song pick for you? I know a good one that should be easy to dance to.”

Trust some weird guy with picking the music for the dance off for my life? Well, it’s not like I have much of a chance of winning no matter what music is on and I really have no idea what to pick. “Whatever.” He smiled before turning to talk to the DJ.

“Davai, Yura!” He smiled and gave me a thumbs up as I walked away. Seriously weird dude.

I waited for Yuri to make his way over while trying not to run away. I doubt I have a chance of winning and I have a one hundred percent chance of embarrassing myself, but I’ll be damned if I get dragged off to fucking Japan without a goddamn fight. Oh god. Viktor pulled out his phone. Just kill me now. The music switched to something that was in between rock and club music and I stepped forward into Yuri’s face trying out whatever moves I could remember from movies. I stepped forward into his space while crossing my arms, and that was about all I had for that. Heh, at least the music was good. My body started to move the only way it knew how and it was fucking ballet. Will someone please just fucking shoot me already?

Yuri was laughing and of course he did that better than me too. All fucking sweetness even though he was literally laughing in my face. He shook his head and pushed me back and my stupid stomach lurched at his touch. Fucking body. He dropped to the ground and started spinning around in a hypnotizing blur. He landed on his back and did that cliché tough guy move of jumping up from the ground without using his hands only it didn’t feel cliché at all when his face came close to mine with only a goofy happiness and none of the arrogance most douche bags who pull that move have. He stayed dancing in my face, lunging in close then twirling away, playing with me like his fucking toy. I knew he was challenging me, but he was having so much fun doing it, it didn’t feel aggressive. Of course the crowd was going wild for him and my loss was cemented. Gracious dick that he is stepped back to let me have another shot at embarrassing myself. Great. I tried my best to copy him, but I knew that there was no way in hell I could pull off playful even though I was the child here.

His head flicked to the side with an expression on his face that said he was studying me with his eyes much clearer than they should have been with how much he was swaying just trying to stand still. The light of whatever he learned about me flashed on his face and he smiled then locked his eyes on mine before slowly turning to the floor. He dropped onto his hands then balanced on his elbows and kicked his feet out, moving slower than he had before. Was he trying to show me how to do it? He got back up then looked at me and nodded his head to the floor, dropping down slowly again. I followed him, trying to watch as I moved. Balancing on your arms was tougher than I would have thought for someone used to balancing on a 4-millimeter blade. We stood back up and he nodded at the floor, gesturing for me to try it alone. I moved down to the ground and the realization of how different learning from Yuri and learning from Viktor was hit me. There’s no way Viktor could have taught me anything with just a look. He would have stopped the music so I could hear every word his chaotic mind spilled. I kicked my feet out and smiled. Where Viktor was panning for gold, Yuri just casually dropped gold nuggets. Damn it. Now my mind was against me too. I do not have a fucking crush on goddamn Yuri Katsuki. Why is everything about me so set on being the biggest dick to Viktor that I could possibly be?

Yuri kept showing me new moves and while I should have just left with my loss confirmed, his attention felt addictive. He didn’t look at me often, but when he did, it was like he was studying me, and then he’d give this really adorable smile like he liked what he learned. Is this what my mom feels about drinking herself to death? You know it’s the worst thing you could possibly do, but you just can’t fucking stop.

His silent teaching was actually quite effective and I felt like I might not be a total rookie after a few songs passed. Spinning on the ground was actually kind of fun. It was exactly what I tried not to do day after day. Why was he spending so much time teaching me? Had Viktor asked him to do it? And, by the way, this music is really awesome. Had Otabek requested more than one song? I looked over to the DJ stand and black-haired dude gave me a thumbs up from behind the table. He was a DJ too? Huh. A pretty good one at that. What is the deal with this guy? Why the fuck don’t I remember him? Yuri showed me some harder moves and started grabbing my body at random to help position me in the right place. Time to go.

I walked over to jab my finger in Viktor’s chest. “You better not be super gross the entire time I’m there. If I have to hold back puke for that long I might explode.” Not exactly puke that I was worried about holding back, but close enough.

“Just don’t explode in the house. That would be very rude to your hosts.”

“Ugh! I can’t believe I got sucked into this! What did I ever do to deserve this torture?” I knew exactly what I did to deserve this torture. I just didn’t know karma was so fucking quick and effective. I left the banquet hall that had turned into my own personal hell and started for my room, but I was too worked up to sleep so I wandered up to the roof. It was cold, but it felt good to cool down the fever Yuri had started. I pulled out my phone and called Grandpa.

“Hello? Yurochka? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me. How are you?”

“Did you win? Tell me! I didn’t get to see it. I was at work.”

“Yeah, I won.”

“Yeah! That’s my Yurochka! I’m so proud of you!”

“Thanks, Grandpa. Hey, I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Bad first.”

“I’m not going to be able to see you this summer after all. Yakov is sending me to Japan for my training.”

“Japan? Why Japan?”

“Viktor is out there. I guess he thought he and Yuri might be able to teach me some stuff.”

“Yuri?”

“A different Yuri. Yuri Katsuki.”

“Well, do they have good things to teach?”

“… Yeah. They do.”

“Then that’s great news. Anything that helps your career, right?”

“Yeah, but that means I won’t get to see you.”

“True, but it also means that you get more time away from your mom, right? And it’s good for your career.”

“Yeah. I just miss you, Grandpa.”

“I miss you too, Yurochka. Maybe before you leave we’ll be able to have a short visit?”

“Yeah, maybe. The good news is that I got a nice sponsor deal tonight. Ten thousand US dollars. As soon as the contract is all signed, you should cut back your hours at work. Get a bit of a rest. Sorry, I tried for more, but I wasn’t able to get it.”

He laughed. “What stupid thing are you going to have to advertise?”

“Animal print leggings.”

“Leggings?”

“Like those tight pants girls wear?”

He laughed so hard I could hear the tears forming in his eyes making some of my own form as well. “Oh, Yurochka. You’re a sweet boy to do that for your old Grandpa.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t more. I want to bring you home.”

“Oh, Yura. It’ll be soon. Don’t worry. You’re doing so well. I’m so proud of you.”

“I miss you, Grandpa.” Tears started making it hard to talk. “I’ve gotta go. Love you.” I hung up the phone and sat in one of the scattered patio chairs to cry over my well-deserved miserable life. What the fuck am I going to do about Japan? I can’t talk to Viktor and I have a fucking crush on Yuri. This is so stupid. I didn’t ask for any of this. How do you stop having a crush on someone? Maybe Google knows. I wiped my face and started typing. Wikihow has something.

“Step 1. Distance yourself from them.” Yeah. Not go to fucking Japan and live in their fucking house for the next several months. Next.

“Step 2. Remove their contact info from your phone.” Not like I had it in there to begin with.

“Step 3. Remove them from social media sites.” Same as step fucking two.

“Step 4. Stop talking about them and don’t allow yourself to think about them.” Well I didn’t talk about him, but maybe I could try to think of him less? That might work if I wasn’t going to fucking Japan!

“Step 5. Ask your friends not to bring them up.” Yeah, Viktor, do you mind not mentioning your boyfriend who you’re madly in love with around me? Thanks. That’d be great. Why? Oh, no particular reason. Next.

“Step 6. Avoid places they and their friends go.” Just fucking next.

“Step 7. Get rid of tangible traces of them.” Next.

“Step 8. Allow yourself to grieve and don’t get mad.” Don’t get mad? What the hell? That’s like my only defense.

“Step 9. Know that you’ll find someone else.” Right. Because people really want the angriest asshole on the planet. So basically, I’m fucked. Thanks Google. Wait. Black-haired dude said he was gay and he doesn’t seem to mind me being an asshole to him. What if I try him? It’s worth a shot. It’s the only chance I have. I wiped my face again to make sure it was clear and went back downstairs. I hope he’s still there.

He was easy to spot up on the DJ stand still. It looked like he was having fun. Or as much as I could tell from his expressionless face. Of course Yuri and Viktor were also easy to spot with them taking over the dance floor while half-naked. They looked so fucking blissfully happy and why wouldn’t they be? They actually deserved to be happy. I moved to the DJ stand and black-haired dude, Otabek, waved then gave the stand back to the original DJ and came down.

“Hey, Yura. I’m glad you came back. You were really good.”

“Shut the fuck up, asshole.”

“I mean it. Well, the beginning was kinda funny, but it was cute. You learned quickly though and you looked really good at the end. I don’t think you’re supposed to take ‘getting schooled’ quite so literally though.”

Cute. Did he think I was cute? Maybe this will work after all if I can just not be a fucking dick to the guy. Come on, Yuri. You can do this. Don’t be a dick. “Shut up, asshole.” Fuck.

He laughed. “As charming as ever.”

Okay, he really does know me. Just ask him where I know him from. It felt strange to ask him after talking to him all night and he obviously thinks that I do remember him. He might get offended if I ask and it’ll ruin this. Otabek Altin. Otabek Altin. Otabek Altin. Nope. Nothing. Whatever. I don’t need to know for my purposes. “Hey, wanna go talk? The roof is pretty nice. I was just up there.”

He smiled just a bit. “Yeah, that sounds great.” He gestured for me to lead the way and we headed back up to the roof. “Wow. It’s really pretty up here.” He moved to the railing and looked down taking in the city lights sprawled underneath us.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

He turned back with a smile. “What? No asshole this time?”

“Shut up, asshole.” Fuck him. I finally say something that was almost like a normal person and he has to ruin it.

He laughed. “That’s better. You had me scared there for a minute. I thought you’d been replaced by an alien.”

“Why don’t you care that I’m a dick to you?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just you. You haven’t always had the same language, but you’ve definitely had the same personality.”

If it was before I was swearing that he knew me, I must have been pretty young. Great. So, I’ve always been an asshole. Whatever. Nothing I didn’t already know. “How old are you?”

“Seventeen. You just turned fifteen, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Happy birthday.”

“Thanks. So, you’re really gay?”

“Uh, yeah. I am.” He gave me a funny look. “Well, I guess I’m bi, but I mostly date guys.”

“How did you find out that you’re gay?”

He smiled and stepped closer. “Well, I saw this boy in a ballet class who was so pretty, but so determined and he had the most amazing eyes. They were the strong, piercing eyes of a soldier. I took one look and I just knew that I wanted him.”

“Did you ever kiss him?”

“No, but I really wanted to.” He stared at me with his intense brown eyes that were nearly black and moved even closer.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. Come on. You can do this. Just fucking ask. I looked back up into his strong face that made me feel even smaller than I already was. “D-Do you want to kiss me?”

“Yes. Do you want to kiss me?”

“Yeah.” I started to feel sick like I do at my front door as he put his hand gently behind my head.

He moved his other hand to push the hair out of my face and held onto a piece, holding it between his fingers as he moved closer. “Have you kissed anyone before?”

I was shaking so hard there was no way he missed it. No sense in lying. “No.”

He stopped leaning forward to smile. “I’m honored.” Ugh, I can’t take this. I threw my arms around his neck and lunged for his lips but he pulled back a little. “Wait. If this is your first kiss, let me do it right, please?”

“Whatever, asshole.” My face was burning like it was going to melt right off my bones.

He smiled and started slowly leaning back in with his eyes on mine holding me captive. I felt like clawing at him to run away, but I need to do this. It’s just a kiss. Calm down. Why is he taking so long? He didn’t seem to move forward at all. Just stood there staring at me with his thumb pressed to my lips. “You are so beautiful.” Beautiful. The word sounded girly and I felt like I should hate it, but he looked so sincere when he said it, it just made my heart spin instead. Beautiful. Who was this guy? He finally pressed his lips to mine but instead of feeling less nervous, my stomach went crazy as he gently pulled on my chin to open my mouth and flicked his tongue inside. Careful little touches of his tongue gave way to deeper tastes as his tongue started to stroke softly along mine. Holy shit. I have a guy’s tongue in my mouth. It… didn’t feel bad. Just weird. He moved one hand around my waist leaving the other tangled in my hair and pulled me in tighter. His tongue started to feel good and instinctively I pulled him closer, my body relaxing into his hold. He moaned and lost his restraint, holding me tighter and his tongue swirling around mine. With the heat and friction between us, it didn’t take long for our cocks to start swelling and rubbing against each other. I pulled back and ran for the door.

“Yura! Wait!”

I ran for my room and thankfully, he didn’t follow me. I slid the card in which was hard with shaking hands and slammed the door shut behind me. What the fuck was I doing? Why did I run away? It’s not like it was awful kissing him, but my brain shut down and I just couldn’t process anything else. I pulled off the stupid suit and flopped onto my bed and Yuri’s stupid pole dance started up in my mind. Fuuuucck. I’m going to die in Japan.


	6. Chapter 6

“Where the fuck did you say you’re going?” My mom, out of her chair in a rare fit of energy, stood over me splashing her drink on my coat and down my hideous leopard print leggings. I tried to take a step back but she followed me.

“Japan.”

“And who fucking said you can go to fucking Japan, huh?”

“My coach.”

“He sure as fuck didn’t run it by me. What makes him think he can just take my son and send him to Japan whenever he feels like it?”

“He takes me all over the world for skating. Have you not noticed yet?”

She raised the back of her hand toward my cheek. I flinched and she dropped her hand back down. “You better watch it with that smart mouth of yours. Who’s going to help me around the house, huh? How are you going to leave my money on the table all the way from fucking Japan, huh?”

“I don’t know, you could try working for once.”

“You know I’m sick and can’t work and you want to leave me all alone after all I gave up for your pathetic life?” I grabbed my bag and Potya’s cage and headed for the door. “Where the fuck you think you’re going? I didn’t say you can go anywhere, you little ungrateful shit.” She grabbed Potya’s cage from my hand and tossed it on the ground. He screamed and hissed as he bounced around in the cage. Rage stripped away any drop of sanity I had.

“Fuck you, you fucking bitch! You fucking whore! Fucking lazy, greedy, alcoholic bitch! I am going to fucking Japan and I pray to God that you fucking die while I’m gone!” I reached for Potya’s cage and my face met her hand. Her force shocked the air out of my lungs, but I snatched Potya from the floor and ripped open the front door through the sludge of her shit built up in front of it.

“If you walk out that door you’ll never come back in this house again.”

“That’s the best thing that’s ever come out of your mouth.” My body shook from the effort of holding back the desire to flick a match into her booze-soaked hole as I left.

She laughed, a sound straight from hell. “One day you’ll come crawling back. All your dreams and ambitions crushed and you’ll see that I was right about you all along. You’re a Plisetsky. A loser born of losers. You’re lying if you think you’re anything else.” I slammed the door shut so hard the house rattled. I didn’t look back at the cage holding the monster locked inside.

 

Potya wailed miserably in his cage on the seat next to me on the train. I stuck my fingers in the cage and scratched under his chin. He didn’t purr, but at least he stopped crying. “I know Potya. This sucks, huh? What are we gonna do when this is over?” The train was mostly empty with only one old lady besides me in the car. She smiled at me and pointed at the cage and clasped her hands in front of her chest that looked like she was trying to say he was cute. I smiled as best I could and nodded. “Thanks. Uh… arigauto?”

She smiled and nodded then pointed to the cage and then to her eye. Did she want to see him? I reached for the cage door and looked at her. She nodded enthusiastically so I opened the door and pulled him out. Her face lit up into a bright smile.

“Totemo kawai!” I had no idea what that meant, but I took it to be a good thing based on her expression.

“You want to pet him?” I got up and walked slowly over while she nodded again. I knelt down in front of her and she buried her hand in his poof ball of fluff.

“Yawarakainode!” We smiled at each other and she moved to scratch his chin. Old people who like cats are so much easier to be nice to. She laughed and reached out to pet my hair as well. “Yawarakainode! Totemo amai.”

“Potya.” I pointed at him. “Potya.”

She patted him. “Potya?” I nodded.

“Kon’nichiwa, Potya.” She pointed at me and tilted her head.

“Yuri.”

“Ah! Yuri!” She smiled at the familiar name. “Kon’nichiwa, Yuri.” She pointed at herself. “Shiku.”

“Kon’nichiwa, Shiku.” I probably butchered that, but she smiled anyway. Sometimes being in a foreign country was nice. No one knows you’re an asshole. I offered her Potya to hold and she smiled again and took him gently onto her lap, stroking his fur. I sat next to her and we watched the scenery while listening to Potya’s happy purring. Japan was a pretty country and it seems that overwhelming niceness was a common trait. Her stop was coming up so she handed Potya back to me. I tucked him under my arm and offered my hand for her to use to stand up then grabbed her bags and handed them to her.

She smiled and patted my shoulder. “Totemo amai, Yuri.”

I put Potya back in his cage after she left and pulled out my phone to Google totemo amai. So sweet. She thought I was sweet. I smiled and looked at the green rice fields flowing past. Maybe Japan wouldn’t be so bad after all. It was certainly better than home.

 

Japan was worse than I thought it would be.

“Yura, take off your damn shoes.” Viktor sounded absolutely pissed as we stood in the entry way. I’d never heard him angry like that before no matter how much of an asshole I was to him.

“No. I’ll just sleep outside.”

“What is your fucking problem?” Viktor leaned down so he could yell in my ear without the rest of the house hearing. “Take off your shoes. You don’t wear shoes in Japanese houses! It’s extremely rude. You don’t wear shoes in Russian houses either. Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?”

“I’ll stay outside.”

“You can’t sleep on the porch like a vagabond. Take off the shoes and come inside now!” I didn’t know I was capable of pissing him off like that. I’d certainly tried my best in the past, but apparently calling him an idiot and an asshole wouldn’t do it, but not wanting to take my shoes off would.

Yuri walked past and froze, instantly picking up on the standoff. “Hey, I didn’t know you guys were back yet. Is something wrong?”

“Yeah, Yura’s being a little punk and won’t take off his shoes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Probably doesn’t want to mess up his outfit and look ‘uncool’ or something like that.”

“Yura, why don’t you want to take off your shoes?” He looked at me with those stupid brown eyes full of softness and concern.

“I just don’t want to, okay? What is the fucking problem? They’re just shoes!”

“Yura! Stop shouting and don’t speak to him like that! You’re a guest here; show some respect.”

“Yeah? I didn’t want to be a fucking guest here. You dragged me here, remember?”

Yuri studied me for a second. “Wait one second. I’ll be right back.” He left and came back a minute later with a pair of slippers and some kind of rag in his other hand. “Can you wear these instead? We usually don’t have them out in the summer since it’s so hot, but you’re welcome to wear them if you like.”

He handed them to me and I flipped them over to inspect the soles. They were soft, some type of fabric sole, but it seemed thick enough. I looked over the floors in the spotless house. It seemed safe enough. I kicked off my shoes and put on the slippers and took a cautious step into the house scanning the floor for glass.

“Yurochka? What-” Yuri put his hand on Viktor’s chest and shook his head.

“Here. Take this.” He handed me the rag that he’d been holding. It was filled with ice. He answered my confused expression. “For your face. It looks like you knocked it on something?”

“What? I didn’t see anything. Are you okay?” Viktor came over and grabbed my chin and pushed the hair out of the way to inspect my face. “Oh, yeah, you do have a bit of a bruise there. What happened?”

“Get off me!” I pulled away from his grip.

“Were you not looking where you were going? You need to be more careful, Yurochka.”

“Shut up. I’m fine.”

“Let me help you with your bags.” Yuri reached for my suitcase.

“I’ve got it. Don’t touch my stuff.” I moved to knock his hand away and the gold ring on his finger caught my eye. Viktor was wearing one too. “You guys get married or something?” I growled at Viktor who brightened back into his usual chipper self.

“Not yet. We got engaged a few weeks ago in Paris though.” He smiled and kissed Yuri.

“Ugh. Congratulations. Can you not be so disgusting though?”

“Why do you have such a problem with me kissing Yuri? Are you jealous because you haven’t kissed anyone yet?”

“Shut up! It’s because you’re so disgusting being all over him like that. Even he doesn’t like it. He blushes every time.”

“Blushing doesn’t always mean he doesn’t like it.” Viktor winked and Yuri smacked him.

“Viktor! Stop it.”

“I will not stop kissing you every time I feel like it just because some little punk kitten can’t handle it. He’ll get used to it.” He smiled and grabbed Yuri’s hand and kissed him deeper than before then kissed his hand after he broke away.

Leaving his hand pressed to Viktor’s chest where Viktor had placed it after kissing it, Yuri smiled and gave a small shake of his head. “Why don’t we let him get settled in before you start messing with him?”

“Aww… but I missed messing with him.” He rubbed his hand on the top of my head.

“Get off of me!”

He laughed. “So, cute. Just as I remember.”

“We’re glad you came, Yura. Viktor’s been excited for your arrival for weeks.”

“Whatever.” He was excited to see me? Why?

“Come on. I’ll show you to your room.” I grabbed my bags and Potya’s cage and followed him, scanning the floor for glass. “Well, it’s actually my room, but I’ve been staying with Viktor in another room. It’s small, but it has the most privacy. Feel free to make yourself at home. I tried to clear it out as much as I could for you. If anything is in your way, feel free to move it.” His room. Where’s a sniper when you need one? He opened the door and I was smacked in the face with goddamn Viktor all over the fucking walls. He blushed and rubbed his neck. “Yeah… Uh. Sorry. Viktor wouldn’t let me take them down.”

“You’ve got to be joking.”

“Sadly, no. I would have taken them down before he ever saw them, but well, I kinda already told him all about them before he ever came and he insisted that he get to see it. And well…”

“It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My Yuri spent years looking at these pictures of me while he pushed himself so hard to reach me. Isn’t it the sweetest thing ever?”

“It’s fucking disgusting. Your ego’s so big you needed to marry your biggest fan to fawn over you the rest of your life?”

“No, I prefer it when Yuri’s demanding that I fawn over him.”

“Viktor!” Yuri turned bright red and smacked him again.

“Oh god. I’m not going to find your stash of Viktor porn in here, am I?”

“Of course not!”

“Yeah, we keep that in our bedroom.” He winked again. “You know my fans come up with some creative ideas for me.”

“Viktor! He’s fifteen! Stop messing with him like that!”

“He knows about the birds and the bees.”

“Still. You wonder why he’s so angry with you all the time and the first thing you do upon seeing him is tease him endlessly.”

“Trust me, this is how we interact the best. You should see him when I try being sweet. This is positively civil compared to that. Though there were a few times when I was able to be sweet without him trying to take my head off. And he actually hugged me once. Just before I left. I almost had a heart attack.”

“Really?” Yuri looked back at me with his eyes intent on staring right through me, stripping me naked, and sifting through whatever it was that he found then looked down again so quickly you could easily doubt that he looked at you at all. Jesus, no wonder this guy didn’t look at anyone for very long, not even Viktor. He must have figured out long ago that his eyes were fucking weapons. “Anyway, why don’t you put your stuff down. I got Potya some food and a litterbox. I hope he likes what I got. If not, just let me know and I’ll get something else. We were going to head into the onsen and then have dinner afterward. Would you like to join us?”

“What’s an onsen?”

“The hot springs. Like a natural bath.”

“I am not taking a bath with other people!”

“Relax, Yurochka, no one’s going to stare at you or mess with you. It’s so nice! You should join us.”

“No!” I’ll be climbing into a bath with a naked Yuri exactly never.

“I’ll show you where the private bathroom is then and we’ll leave you to get settled in.” I put down Potya and my stuff in Yuri’s room then followed him down the hall and into the tiny bathroom. “Just wash in the shower first before getting in the tub. It’s wooden so it’s hard to clean oils and such from it.” I nodded. “Okay then, dinner will be in about an hour. Make yourself at home.” Yeah. That’s the last thing I’d want to do. I turned and headed back down the hall to Yuri’s room.

“Eyes up, Yurochka.” I stopped for a second then kept walking with my eyes on the floor. “You’re going to get yourself hurt if you don’t look where you’re going.”

“Whatever.” Eyes up. Eyes up. It was ridiculous how much I wanted to cry hearing that again. You’re done with your performance, old man. Stop dragging it out. Somehow, I felt Yuri’s eyes staring through me again.

I closed the door and let Potya out of his cage. He darted out and went straight under the bed. “Yeah, I know. I feel like hiding here too. Think I can just hang out there with you until it’s time to go? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.” I laid back on Yuri’s bed and stared at the walls covered in Viktor. Viktor’s fan for years and he somehow manages to actually get the guy. What does that feel like? Having everything you wanted in life come true. I looked over at the rag starting to melt a wet spot onto the bed then grabbed it and pressed it to my mouth. I imagined for a moment it was Yuri’s hand, but that image didn’t work well with the cold. Eventually I managed to drag my body to the bathroom to get cleaned up and made my way back into the main part of the house which smelled weirdly like grass. Yuri and Viktor were sitting at a low table drinking from tiny cups and an old guy I assumed was Yuri’s dad sat next to them laughing and looking well on his way to drunk.

“Otousan, maybe lay off the sake before you pull out the karaoke? You don’t want to traumatize Yura on his first night here.”

“Karaoke? What a great idea! I’ll go set it up.”

“No! Wait until after dinner at least.”

“Aww… Yuri-chan won’t let me have any fun.”

I sat down as far away from him as I could which happened to be next to Yuri and he leaned over to whisper in my ear. “Don’t worry, he’ll probably forget about it in a few minutes. He is not a good singer. Whatever you do, don’t encourage it or you’ll regret it.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

An older lady, Yuri’s mom I guess, came out of the kitchen carrying a tray of food. Viktor jumped up and grabbed it from her while giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Let me do it, Okaasan.”

“Aww… at least one of my sons is helpful.” She turned to me and sat down folding her legs underneath her. “You must be Yuri. I’m so glad you’ve come. It’s so nice getting to meet Viktor’s friends. I hope you’re finding the place comfortable.”

Viktor stopped handing out the bowls to glare at me in warning. “Uh, yeah. It’s nice. Thank you.” He smiled and returned to his task.

“I’m Hiroko and that drunkard over there is Toshiya. Don’t mind him. He’s always looking for a good time.” She leaned in close. “Whatever you do, don’t say the word karaoke.” She had a thick accent and my English was terrible, but I think I understood her well enough.

“Uh, yeah. I’ve already been warned.”

“Good. Would you like some tea?” I nodded and she filled my cup.

Another younger woman walked out of the kitchen and stopped dead when she saw me, her face turned into silent screaming like the girls who follow me around often do. “Woah! No way! You look just like Takao!”

“Mari-chan, meet Yuri. He’ll be staying with us for a few months,” Hiroko said.

“Huh? His name is Yuri too? That’s so confusing. Hmm… I’ll call you Yurio!”

“Huh?!”

Viktor started laughing. “Yurio. I love it.”

“Oneesan, he has a nickname already that he’s more used to. You can call him Yura or Yurochka. I think he prefers Yura though.”

She thought about it for a minute as she sat down next to me. “Hmm… Nope. Yurio.”

Viktor laughed even louder. “Look like you have a fan, Yurio.”

“Shut up! Don’t call me that stupid name!”

“Oneesan, be nice. And don’t give Viktor any fodder. He’s already so mean to this poor kid.” Yeah, he’s not the mean one, fucking life destroying Yuri.

“You’re a skater too, right?” The woman- Yuri’s sister?- leaned in closer. I nodded. “Word of advice, be careful what you touch at the Ice Castle.” Yuri instantly turned bright red and smacked Viktor.

“What? I didn’t tell her anything. She figured it out on her own because you can’t control your blushing.”

“I’m going to pretend that I have no idea what you all are talking about down there.” Hiroko took a sip of her tea with her eyes almost as wide around as the glasses she wore.

Yuri turned even redder as he stared at his clenched fists on his lap. I didn’t realize someone could turn so completely into a tomato.

“Let’s eat, shall we?” Hiroko said.

The food in front of me looked pretty good, some fried meat thing and rice, but the two sticks next to it were more of a challenge to hold than I would have thought. What idiot came up with the idea to use two fucking sticks to eat with?

Yuri’s face was still pretty red when he took the chopsticks from me and repositioned them in my hand. “Here. Leave the bottom stick in place and just move the top one with your thumb and first finger.”

I jerked my hand away. “Stop being so handsy. I’ve got it.”

“Sorry. I’ve been around Viktor too long.”

“Be nice, Yurio. He was just trying to help you.”

“Stop it with that stupid name!” I plunged the sticks into the food and after a minute of struggle managed to grab a piece of the meat and leaned as far forward as I could so I wouldn’t drop the precarious bite in my lap. Woah, this was actually really good. Having the right motivation to keep struggling with the damn sticks, I churned the food into something that looked like a toddler had eaten from it. I glanced over at Yuri’s hand and he slowly demonstrated how to move the top stick. I readjusted my grip and while I couldn’t line them up right, it was a little easier. He smiled and stole a bite of food from Viktor’s bowl.

“Hey! You’ve already had three bites!”

“No, I haven’t. I’ve only had two.” He grinned and stole another bite before Viktor could stop him. “Here, I’ll trade you some of mine.” He pushed a plate of bland looking chicken and veggies toward him.

“I love you, but no.”

“Why don’t you just get your own food instead of being disgusting about it?”

“I love katsudon, but I can’t have it too often because I get fat so easily. I get my own bowl when I win, but the rest of the time I’m reduced to whatever I can steal from my stingy fiancé.” Huh, one thing I’ve got better than him. That must suck never being able to eat what you want.

“Hey, I’m not stingy. You just always lie about how many bites you’ve had.”

“I do not.” He reached for another bite from Viktor’s bowl, but Viktor blocked him with his arm and tucked the bowl into his chest to protect it. Yuri sighed and poked at his chicken. I carefully picked up a strip of meat and with all the concentration I could muster, passed it over and dropped it on Yuri’s plate. He beamed and I had to glare into my bowl to hide my smile. When I looked up, Viktor was still staring at me with his mouth wide.

“What are you staring at, idiot?”

“I can’t decide. Did you do that to be nice or to make him fat so you have an easier time beating him?”

“Whatever you want to believe.” I didn’t know myself. Liar.

Yuri grinned at me again. “Thank you. I don’t care why you did it. I’m just happy I got more katsudon.” I made some angry noise and went back to my bowl.

After dinner I learned why Yuri and his mom both felt it extremely important to warn me about karaoke. Yuri’s dad had the machine blasting and his voice blaring even louder and out of tune. He put the microphone in Yuri’s face. “Come on, Yuri-chan, sing with me! You have such a lovely voice.” Great. Another thing he’s good at. Yuri waved his hands and Toshiya moved over to me. “How about our new Yuri? Wanna give it a shot?”

I shook my head and scooted deeper into the corner of the couch.

Viktor jumped up. “I’ll do it!”

“Oh, Vitichka, please no.” Yuri buried his face in his hands but Viktor just grinned as he fiddled with the machine to change the song.

“This one goes out to the incredible, talented, sexy man in the first row.” He sang some stupid, sappy love song which was awful, but at least he was better than Yuri’s dad at singing. Yuri blushed with a stupid smile on his face while Viktor danced around like Frank Sinatra and caressed him at random times. He ended the song cuddled up next to him and handed Yuri the microphone while Yuri’s family applauded him. “Please? Sing for me? Because you want me?”

“Viktor.” Yuri groaned his name then grabbed the microphone. He looked over at me. “I am so sorry, Yura.” Huh. He really didn’t want to sing and refused his dad, but Viktor bats his eyelashes and he gives in. I thought Yuri had Viktor wrapped around his finger, but it looks like it went both ways. Is that what love really is? Just spending your life doing shit for someone that you don’t want to do? I guess Grandpa didn’t want to leave to go to Moscow for work and I didn’t want to wear girly leggings, but we did it anyway. It wasn’t so bad doing shit like that when it makes their lives easier. Yuri started some American love song that was more pop and a little less sappy than Viktor’s.

“Dance!” Viktor called out and Yuri interrupted his song to groan.

“Yeah, Yuri-chan, dance for your love!” Mari called out. Yuri stuck his tongue out at her, but started to dance for Viktor while they all cheered. Mari came over to sit next to me. “Helpful hint, if you ever need Yuri to do anything and he won’t, ask Viktor to tell him to do it. I thought my days of getting him to comply by using Viktor as a weapon were over, but the real one is even more effective than the dolls.”

“Uh, thanks.” Dolls? Yuri had dolls of Viktor? He was like, seriously obsessed with him. Does that make this sweeter or creepier? I looked over at the tiny poodle cuddled up next to Makkachin away from the noise. Vicchan they’d called him. Mari-chan. Yuri-chan. They apparently added chan as like a nickname or something. Vic-chan. Viktor? Did Yuri get a poodle and name it Viktor? The posters in his room flashed in my mind. Yes. Yes, he did. Oh my god. Yuri pulled Viktor up from the couch and started dancing with him while singing to him. Weirdest love story ever. What the hell did his family think when he brought home the guy he’d been obsessing over for years? I looked over at Mari. She seemed like she liked messing with Yuri as much as Viktor liked messing with me. She’d probably tell me. “Hey, so Yuri was like obsessed with him, right?”

“Oh my god, that’s not common knowledge yet? Viktor brags about that any chance he gets. He was pathetically obsessed. Like, I seriously worried he’d never find someone to love with how much he obsessed over Viktor and then the little shit brings the guy home. I thought he’d hired an impersonator or something and was about to check him into a mental hospital.”

I couldn’t resist laughing. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. And then it’s Viktor obsessing over him. Another life tip, don’t get Viktor started on the subject of Yuri. He won’t stop until your ears bleed. He might be even worse than Yuri was about talking about Viktor. I mean, what the hell did my brother to do pull that off?”

“How did they get together?”

“Oh my god it’s so crazy. So, Yuri was upset and hiding in a dark closet after a performance, and Viktor barges in because he was upset too and slams the door before Yuri gets a look at him. Viktor starts sobbing having no idea Yuri is there until Yuri moves and makes a noise. They talked for a while having no idea who each other was and Yuri ended up confessing his obsession with Viktor Nikiforov to Viktor Nikiforov! Viktor plays along that it’s not him they end up falling in love with each other in that damn closet. They agreed to coach each other and move to Japan that same night they met. Couple of idiots the both of them, but it’s worked out. I’ve never seen two people so ridiculously in love.”

“Woah. That is a crazy story. Viktor was really crying after a performance?” That must be the one he messed up. “Why?”

“Uh, he hasn’t told you anything about Alexei?” Alexei again. Who was that? An ex-boyfriend or something? I shook my head. “Then I’ll tell you to ask him.” Damn. “Hey, I know we’re a really weird family.” She looked over at her dad. “Like seriously weird, but please feel free to make yourself a part of it. Viktor is special to us and anyone that’s important to him is more than welcome here.”

“I’m not that important to him. He just hung out with me sometimes at the rink.”

She gave me a strange look. “Ask him about Alexei and then consider that statement again.”

Not doing that anytime soon. Yuri had switched to the radio so he could focus on dancing with Viktor while his mom and dad cuddled on the couch watching them with smiles on everyone’s faces. “I’m going to bed.”

“Goodnight, Yurio!” Mari called.

“Argh! I hate that stupid name!” She just laughed.

Lying in bed starting at Viktor all over the room, I got the urge to do what Yuri had certainly done many times in this very spot. I started to stroke myself, but Viktor staring at me was way more than weird. I pulled my pants back up and turned on my side with a sigh. Sorry, Viktor. I’m trying to stop wanting him, but it’s just so damn hard. I should have listened to Chris and left before he started dancing. That’s what I get for being a defiant punk. “Come here, Potya.” I sang out while making kissing noises until he finally crept out from under the bed and snuggled next to me. “Come up with any ideas yet for what we’re going to do when we get back to Russia? Not going home is a relief, but we don’t have anywhere else to go. But don’t worry. I’ll think of something. I won’t let you spend the winter on the streets. What do you think of Japan so far? It’s weird, right? And trying to not think of Yuri with him fucking smiling at me and looking at me like that all the time is fucking impossible, but it’s not home at least. Well, except for his dad. Goodnight, kotyonok.” I wrapped my arms around him and tried to fall asleep in the strange silence.


	7. Chapter 7

“Hey, Yura. Did you sleep well?” Yuri waved.

“Uh, yeah.” He studied me again. “Uh, it’s really quiet here.”

“Oh, are you used to noise when you sleep? My old roommate is like that too. He always puts on a fan to go to sleep. I can get you one if you want.”

“No.” He wasn’t looking away like he usually does. “… My mom usually has the TV on all night pretty loud.”

“Oh, I might be able to find a small TV in the attic. I can look after breakfast.”

“No!” We both jumped. “Uh, I mean it’s okay. I like it quiet.” He stared for another second then nodded. “Do you like tea or coffee?”

“Coffee? I didn’t know Japanese people drink coffee.”

“Well, tea is more common here, but coffee is rather popular as well. I also lived in America for four years. I got used to the caffeine in the mornings. It helps with those early morning practices, you know?”

“I’ll have some coffee. Thanks.” I sat down and he handed me a cup along with cream and sugar. “You really lived in America? Is that why you have an easier time with English than the rest of your family?” I already knew he lived in America, but playing dumb might not be a bad idea here.

“Yeah, I moved out there when I was eighteen to train. I just moved back last year when Viktor decided to coach me.”

“Viktor decided? You didn’t beg him to coach you?”

He laughed. “Uh, no. Quite the opposite. He really wanted me to coach him. I had no idea why. I still have no idea why. Well, I mean I know what his reasons are. I just don’t understand why he still wants me to coach him.”

“What does that mean? Why don’t you understand?”

“Well, his reasons when he first asked were very specific to his free skate for last year. Now he’s done with it and I expected him to want to go back to Russia to work with Yakov again, but he says he doesn’t want to.”

“Well, yeah. He’s done with that performance.”

He cocked his head. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing.” Stupid, be careful what you say around him. He’s not clueless like Viktor is.

He gave me his usual stare then shook his head. “I’m so sorry about my dad. He’s crazy sometimes but harmless. Well, except to eardrums.” He laughed and I took a sip of coffee to stop my smile. Viktor came out from down the hallway and rubbed the top of my head.

“Morning, Yurochka. Speaking of danger to eardrums, you didn’t hear anything from us last night, right?”

“Viktor! You don’t just ask stuff like that!”

“What? You were worried about it so I’m asking so you don’t have to worry anymore.” He bent down to give Yuri a kiss which Yuri accepted even though he still looked ticked off.

“No, I didn’t hear any of your disgusting activities. You’d know if I had because I would have been dead in my room from pouring bleach into my brain.”

“So dramatic. That’s good though, it’ll help with your performances. See, Yuri? It’s fine. So, you won’t have to hold back again tonight.” He winked and Yuri blushed.

“I would apologize for him too, but I’m guessing you’re used to it by now.”

“Well, he didn’t have anyone to be so disgusting with in Russia, but yeah, he’s always been just as annoying.”

“Aww… I missed you too, Yurochka.” He kissed Yuri again then went to the kitchen and came back with some plates of food for us. He set down a plate of grilled fish and veggies in front of me along with a thin soup and a bowl of rice. “So, how’s your quad flip coming along?”

I scoffed. “Easy.”

“What?! You taught him your quad flip, but you won’t teach me?!” Yuri looked positively offended though he was trying to sound playful.

“Well, my love, you still need to work on not flubbing the jumps you do know. You’re far more consistent now, but you’re going to probably backslide a bit with the programs for next season.”

“Yeah? And who’s fault is that?”

Viktor grinned and leaned close to Yuri. “Yuri… I’m still not sorry.”

Yuri shook his head as he grabbed Viktor and gave him a kiss that looked a whole lot like the one during his dance on the pole. “You can’t keep using that as your get out of jail free card.”

“Why? It works so well.”

“Manipulative, jerk.”

“Stop complaining. You love it.”

“Ugh! Some of us are trying to eat here!” I felt like a jerk interrupting them all the time, but I couldn’t take any more of watching them being sickeningly in love and we’ve already established that I’m an asshole.

“I’m sorry, Yura.” Yuri turned back to his plate and started eating.

We headed down to the ice rink after breakfast with Makkachin alternating between jumping on all of us and playing with Vicchan. I didn’t know they allowed dogs at ice rinks. Yakov always yelled at Viktor any time he brought Makkachin around. Yuri picked up Vicchan after just a few minutes of walking looking worried.

“He’s getting tired quicker again. I don’t think the treatments are working as well as they were before.”

“I’ll find a new doctor then.”

“You already found the best doctor in the area.”

“Then I’ll look further.”

“Vitya, we already travel two hours each way just to see that one. I don’t think a new doctor is going to be the answer anyway.”

“Yuri, I promised you and I’m going to keep it.”

“You already have.”

“No, I promised you years. It’s not even been one year yet.”

“There’s only so much you can do, Vitya.” He kissed his dog with his face scrunched up. “I’m releasing you from this promise.”

Viktor stopped walking to grab Yuri’s shoulders, panic on his face. “Please, don’t! I can do more! Don’t release me from my promises to you! Please, Yuri. I can do more.” Yuri shoved his dog into my arms and grabbed Viktor instead who looked like he was about to cry.

“It’s okay. Shh… It’s okay, Viktor. I’m only releasing you from that one. You still have a lot more to keep.”

“But, Yuri, if you can let go of one…”

“I can let go of all of them and nothing will change between us. I’m not with you because you owe me. I never was. I’m with you because I love you and the only thing that matters is that you love me too.”

“But, Yuri, if I break my promises to you, how will you trust me to keep the one to love you for the rest of my life? If you can’t trust that… you might leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, ever. I promise. Trust me, okay?” He nodded, pressed to Yuri as tight as he could be. “I love you and I will always want to be with you. You don’t have to be perfect anymore because I am the one that loves you.” Viktor nodded again then pushed him back. Yuri wrapped his arm around him and held him tight as they walked.

“When did Viktor turn into a pathetic, needy child?”

Anger snapped through Yuri so fast, I cowered before he said a word. “Shut your fucking mouth. Don’t ever say anything like that about my fiancé ever again or I will make certain that you regret it.”

I hid behind his dog, his fur going in my mouth as I opened it to speak. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Yuri snarled silently at me before turning back to hold Viktor. I didn’t think he would actually hurt me, but I understood now how he had gotten Viktor’s parents to apologize. I shuddered at the thought of being under his anger for as long as he had directed it at them. They must have really fucked up. I followed a few steps behind them still holding Yuri’s dog. Seriously, what had come over Viktor?

“I’m sorry, Yuri. You were upset about Vicchan and instead of comforting you, I freaked out.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I should be able to control it better so I can be there for you instead of always needing you to fix me.”

Yuri smiled. “Isn’t that my job? I’m okay, really. I can’t expect him to live forever and you gave me the chance to spend time with him again. I am truly grateful for that along with all of the other wonderful things you give me. I don’t think you’ve broken your promises at all.” Viktor smiled and removed himself from Yuri’s arm and came to take the dog from me. He handed him over to Yuri who smiled and snuggled him under his chin like I do with Potya.

“Is… is he sick?”

Yuri nodded.

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry too. I don’t always control my temper very well. My emotions tend to control me a lot.”

“I was being a jerk. I deserved it.”

“Yeah, you did. It doesn’t mean that I should threaten you.”

“Just out of curiosity, how would you make me regret it?”

“I’m very creative. Let’s not find out.” He slipped one arm back around Viktor and we walked to the rink the rest of the way in silence.

The rink was a lot dingier than I expected, but the ice looked good at least. I was just taking off my guards when I felt someone watching me. I turned around. Three someones. Tiny someones.

“Yuri Plisetsky,” one of them whispered with wide eyes on all of them like the one had spoken for all.

“Uh, hi.”

“Oh my god. Yuri Plisetsky just said hi to us.” Their mouths moved but their faces didn’t.

“Alright, fangirls. Don’t get drool on him.” Yuri waved his hands at them, but they didn’t move. “Sorry. This is Axel, Lutz, and Loop. They’re huge skating fans.”

“Seriously?”

“Their parents manage the rink here. Their mom Yuuko and I were really good friends when we were kids.”

“Were really good friends? What are we now, huh?” A woman a lot younger and prettier than I expected came up and patted the heads of the repeated kids.

“Still really good friends.” Yuri smiled widely.

“Good. Now that’s cleared up, I’ll try to keep my rugrats out of your hair while you practice.”

“I won’t hold my breath.” Yuri smiled again, all sweetness, his anger from before apparently a distant memory. Or maybe he was just good at keeping his anger to the assholes who deserved it unlike me who spewed it everywhere.

“Yuri! Yuri! I just found the perfect song!” Viktor ran up in his skates and shoved earbuds into Yuri’s ears. “Or actually I rediscovered it. I’d heard it a long time ago and had forgotten about it until now. I know I said I’d let you pick your own music and I’m sticking to that, I’m just showing you this as an option. But it’s perfect, right?”

“I wouldn’t know. You haven’t stopped talking long enough for me to hear it.”

“Oh, sorry.” Viktor pressed his lips together for a few seconds before it looked like the pressure was about to break him. “So, it’s the same song, but there’s two arrangements! One for Agape and one for Eros! Isn’t it perfect for the short programs?”

Yuri sighed. “I still wouldn’t know, Viktor. But I’ll take your word for it. If you like it, I’m fine with it.” He reached for the earbuds but Viktor slapped his hands over his ears to hold them in place.

“No! You’re supposed to pick your own music. Listen and decide for yourself.”

“Then you have to stop talking!”

“Maybe I’ll just go skate while you listen.”

“Maybe that’s a good idea.”

“Come on, Yurochka. Show me how much you suck now that I’m not there to coach you.”

“I’m so glad you’re not there to annoy me every night. I skate so much better without your stupid meat jelly filling my head.”

“Ah, so you did go with the clear ice after all. I think that was a wise choice.” We skated around, warming up and I went for an easy triple, single, single combo. “Yurochka! No! Not like that! You look like a fishy again! Did the monsters follow you all the way to Japan? Clear your mind. Run the Zamboni right over it and wait until it’s nice and frozen and try again. Only singles.”

“What?!”

“Do a whole row of singles, over and over until they flow out of you as easy as breathing.”

“You’re not my coach anymore!”

Viktor stopped his endless swishing around the ice to smile. “I never realized you ever considered me your coach.”

“Whatever.” I went into the singles just to have something to do that would shut him up at least a little.

“That’s right, keep hopping, little fishy. Just keep hopping away. That’ll work.” Sarcasm dripped onto the ice. “Hop. Hop. Hop. Maybe you’re a bunny now. Are you a bunny or a fishy?”

“Shut up! I’m trying to hop here!” Shit. His stupid word slipped into my mouth before I could stop it.

Viktor stopped skating to brace himself as he laughed.

“I meant jump! I’m trying to jump here.”

“Hop hop, little fishy!”

“Argh! Why are you so annoying?!”

“All the better to teach you with, my dear.” His annoying chatter made it almost impossible to clear my mind and even singles get tiring doing them that many times in a row. “Come on, little fishy, keep going. Don’t quit on me.”

“I wouldn’t be having to do so many if you’d just shut up for one minute!”

“But, Yura, you already know how to clear your mind in perfect conditions. The world is never perfect though. You get so easily angered and that colors everything you do. You need to learn how to clear your mind even when there’s annoying Viktors chasing you around the ice. So just keep hopping, little fishy!” He followed after me chanting after every tense jump. “Hop. Hop. Hop. Hop. Hop. Wow, you suck at not being angry. Hop. Hop. Hop. Aren’t you bored of this yet? Hop. Hop. How can one little body hold so much anger? Hop. Hop. Hop. Hop. Hop. Poor ice, it wants to be skated on, not have fish flopping around on it. Hop. Hop. Hop.”

His chatter trampled through my mind and my breath started to burn in my lungs. Come on! Just stop being an angry shit and clear your fucking mind! Hop. Hop. Hop. Fuck! My skate slipped out from under me and the ice cracked my ass.

“Wow. The great Yuri Plisetsky falls on a single. Impressive. You really are out of shape without me around. Just wait until your fans hear about this.”

“What?!”

“I posted your fall on Instagram. Oh, look, they’re commenting now. Ha ha! One of them called me a meanie head who skates like shit. They must be your biggest fan. They’ve absorbed your attitude. Again, Yura. You still suck at doing singles.”

“Argh!” I got up and started into the exercise again. Yuri skated by and circled around me to watch for a minute.

“I thought Viktor was rough on me, but his coaching style with you is definitely… unique.”

“He’s not my coach!”

“Oh? What’s he doing right now then?”

“Being annoying.”

“Yurochka! Get this! Chris favorited my post and said he looks forward to watching you blow us away with your skills in seniors. I think he was being sarcastic, little fishy. I thought I should tell you that because I didn’t know if fishies knew sarcasm better than they knew how to jump.”

“Argh! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I lost my focus and landed on my ass again while Viktor cried with laughter.

“Oh my god! Yurochka, you’re worse at this than I expected. What the hell have you been doing this whole time I’ve been gone? How has Yakov let you slack so much? Is he slipping in his old age? He has a student who claims quad flips are easy yet he falls on a single, twice.” Tears started to well up in my eyes as I punched the ice.

“Back off for a minute, Viktor.” Yuri held his hand out to me but I ignored it as I got back on my feet.

“Why? He should be able to do singles all day long without falling.”

“I don’t think that’s the issue. He just got here and he’s probably still got jet lag. Just back off for right now.”

“I’m not weak!”

“I didn’t say you were. Needing a rest from something doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Jet lag is rough.”

“You know it’s not jet lag! Why are you lying when you know what it is?!”

“You’re half-right. I know it’s not jet lag, but I don’t know what it is. What’s wrong, Yura? You can tell us. In case you’re worried, I’m not still mad at you. I have a quick temper, but I don’t hold grudges. If there’s anything we can do to help you, just tell us.”

“Just go play coach with your fiancé and leave me alone.” I skated off to go hop around the ice alone. Hop. Hop. Hop. Fuck. I kept hopping as they played around with choreography for their new programs and the ice in my mind refused to clear under my anger. Hop. Hop. Hop. My legs burned but they hadn’t earned a rest yet. Viktor kept coming to Yuri to check his choreography and Yuri kept correcting it and sending him off to try his version. Viktor had always done his own choreography before and got thoroughly annoyed when someone tried to critique it. Yuri can though. Of course. Hop. Hop. Come on already. Why won’t the ice clear? He’s not annoying me anymore. I should be able to do this now. Hop. Hop. Yuri skated up to me leaving Viktor to play with his choreography.

“Stop for a second, Yura.”

“I’ll get this!”

“I know you will. I’m just asking you to stop for one second so I can help you with something.” I stopped and stared at him while my body trembled from hopping so damn much. Who knew singles could ever be that tiring. “Thank you. I have really bad anxiety before competitions. It’s not the same as anger, but I think any overwhelming emotion can be handled in similar ways. Can I touch you for a second?”

“Whatever.”

He put one hand on my stomach and the other on my chest and closed his eyes. My body started shaking harder and his eyes scrunched in thought. Calm down. You can handle this. He removed his hand from my stomach and opened his eyes. “Here. This is where you store all of your excess emotions.” He tapped my chest then dropped his hand. My chest felt icy without his warm hand on it and I wanted to grab it to put it back. Instead I growled.

“What the hell does that mean? Is this some new age bullshit?”

“I don’t know what it is. I just know what I’m feeling. Your body trembles the hardest from your chest. For me, it’s my stomach. Can’t you feel it yourself? When you get angry or sad or scared you feel it in your chest first, right?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, so when you get overwhelmed, it starts in your chest and you lock it in place there. You need to focus on relaxing it by sending that excess energy out to the rest of your body to be consumed instead of stored.” He laughed. “Viktor got so mad when I told him this. He said that was how I was cheating all the time.”

“Cheating?”

“I have pretty good stamina. He said that I have that stamina because I get so nervous and send that energy out to be used like fuel. He said it wasn’t fair that I had all that extra energy to be used and he didn’t just because he didn’t get nervous like I did. I would gladly trade him though. I don’t think he understands just how awful it feels trying to skate through so much fear. But you understand.”

“Fear? I’m not afraid. I’m angry.”

“Fear causes all sorts of emotions and reactions especially anger. When I was angry with you earlier, I was angry because I was afraid.”

“How were you afraid of me being a jerk?”

“I was afraid of how your words would hurt Viktor. I was afraid of hearing him repeat it to me as his truth. I was afraid of him not coming to me when he’s feeling like that because he feels he’s too pathetic and needy. What you said really cut deep on him.”

“He didn’t even say anything about it though.”

Yuri smiled, but it wasn’t one that showed happiness. “Viktor never says anything when he’s hurt. The most I’ve ever heard him say is ouch when he’s seriously hurt.”

Sickness stabbed through my chest. “That’s… not true.”

“How many times has he said that in response to something mean you’ve said?” I couldn’t look at him. “Too many to count, huh?” I nodded. “You forget that the people you’re giving your anger to have their own pain to handle as well. Stop giving it to others and learn to handle it yourself. It’s part of growing up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing to me? You should be apologizing to him.”

“I… I can’t.”

“Why can you apologize to me so easily, but not him?” He waited for a minute for me to respond before he gave up. “Okay, you don’t have to answer just yet. So right now, take all of that anger locked in your chest and let it flow into the rest of you. Let the fire burn through every inch. When it’s burning, you can use it if you choose, letting it fuel your performance or you can just let it run its course. Either way, the fire will burn itself out eventually.”

“It makes me shake. How can I skate when I’m shaking?”

“Practice. I skate while I’m shaking all the time. I won silver at Worlds while shaking so hard I thought I might drill right through the ice. It’s just like getting used to the dizziness. Some people like Viktor can skate so smoothly because they don’t shake. I do. I’ll never be able to skate like him and that’s okay. I don’t need to skate like him. I just wanted to skate next to him. I have my own style that does work with my shaking. Having more twists and turns in my skating hides the shaking and that extra energy actually enhances it. I’ll tell you though, it feels better having all of you shaking evenly rather than having it all pooled up in your stomach or your chest in your case. Your body has to move as one. If you’re angry, let all of you be angry. If you’re scared, let all of you be scared. Doesn’t matter what you are, just be who you are completely.”

“How?”

“You feel that pressure around the center of your chest? The center of your shaking? You feel how it quivers really hard up to that point and then shakes lighter over the rest of you?” I nodded. “Let that go. That’s the barrier you have up to try to contain it. Just focus on sending that energy out through that wall until you feel it even all over.”

I focused on my breath as much as I could but I could only get the shaking to trickle out a little past the barrier. My chest still quaked and I was still hopping around the damn ice, legs and lungs burning. “I can’t do it!”

“Stop again.” I stopped and he came over and put his hands up asking if he could touch me again. I nodded and he pressed his hand over the center of my chest and my back. “You’re trying to force it. You don’t relax through effort. It’s letting go. Let me feel it.”

“What?”

“Let me feel your anger. Send it straight into my hands.”

“I thought you said I wasn’t supposed to do that.”

“There’s a difference between sharing what you feel and just foisting it on someone. I’m asking you to share it with me. Don’t worry, I’m stronger than I look. I won’t break.” He gave a cruelly adorable smile.

“I know.” He ignored my stupid comment other than pressing a little harder. His pressure felt good, secure. Like Grandpa’s hug.

“Start by relaxing the muscles here. You’re so tense. Tighten them all up as hard as you can. Good. Even tighter. Use every bit of strength to contract them as much as possible then hold it.” I didn’t understand why he’d be telling me to tense up more if he was trying to get me to relax, but I did it anyway. “Good, now let it all out with a deep breath.” I let the air and tension blow out of my body, collapsing into his hands. “Good, Yura. Now stand back up straight but relaxed and try letting down that barrier again. Let it go just like you did the tension in your muscles.” I closed my eyes and tried to let the anger go further. It seeped out down into my stomach and into my arms. The wall of my chest started shaking harder and I knew that Yuri was feeling it too now. I opened my eyes and he just gave me an encouraging smile. The shaking did get better the more it spread. Instead of feeling like an earthquake, it was just a light buzzing. “That’s it, Yura. See? Not as bad, right?” I nodded. “This is a whole lot easier to control. I don’t even think you’ll need to really learn how to skate with it. You’re like Viktor. My shaking never gets so quiet. My fear is something that’s a part of me for no reason other than I was born like that. I don’t think you were born angry or afraid. I think something in your life made you that way. Maybe you’ll be able to confront what it is and you’ll skate smoothly like Viktor. If not, that’s okay too. Now you know how to skate even when you’re angry.” He dropped his hands again and stepped back. I hated the burning cold but didn’t dare ask for his heat back again. “Try it now.”

Breathe, single. Breathe, single. I barely felt the shaking at all and my mind was clear once again.

“Doubles!” Viktor called out. My body protested, but I pushed the ice away harder. “Triples!” I forgot how brutal he is. He never gives a shit how much you’ve already done. He lives in the moment only. Still, triples started flowing out of my shaking body. “Now let me see that quad flip you bragged about!” Was he fucking serious? My body screamed in protest, but I launched into the quad. “Again! Keep going!” Fucking slave driver. Quad. Quad. Yuri said I can use my anger, huh? Let’s try it. I went ahead with every asshole thought I had about the crazy person driving me around the ice chanting, “Again! Again!” flowing into my muscles and launching me off the ice. “Good, Yura! You can stop now.” No. Quad. Quad. Quad. “Yura, stop! You’re going to hurt yourself! You did well! You can stop now!” Quad. Quad. My legs gave out and my head smacked the ice. “Yura!” Viktor nearly screamed in panic. He was over me, his pale face completely white, two alien blue orbs wide. I tried to get up but he pushed me back onto the ice. “Don’t move! Yuri! Yuri! Help! Help him!”

“Get off of me!” I tried to push him away, but I didn’t have the strength for that. “I’m fine. Let me up.”

“Don’t move! Please, don’t move!” Why the hell was he so panicked?

“Viktor, calm down. He’s okay. Just calm down. Look at how angry he is. He’s just fine. Yura, can you count backward from ten?” Yuri’s warm hands cradled my throbbing head.

“Of course I can, idiot!”

“Do it.”

“Ten… Uh, seven… Wait. No. That’s not right.”

“Oh my god, Yuri! He’s-”

“Calm down, Viktor. Try it in Russian, Yura.” Oh, yeah. That’s a lot easier. I counted down quickly in Russian. “See, Viktor? It was just the language. He’s okay. Go get me a flashlight.”

“Don’t let him get up!”

“I won’t.”

Viktor got up and skated off to follow Yuri’s order.

“I’m fine. Just let me up.” I started to get up.

“Don’t you dare. You stay on that ice until I tell you otherwise.” The weight of his voice pinned me to the ice. “What were you thinking? Why didn’t you stop when he told you to?”

“I was using the anger like you told me.”

“That’s not an excuse to be an idiot. He pushes you hard, but he’s always careful to watch for signs that you’re too fatigued. If he tells you to stop, you need to stop immediately. Viktor is far more competent than you give him credit for.”

“I know that.”

“Then why didn’t you listen to him?!” His voice made me cringe. “Do you have any idea what you just put him through? God, Yura. You say and do the worst possible things to him. How do you manage that so perfectly?”

“I just fell. What’s the problem? Why is he freaking out so much?”

“You didn’t just fall. We heard your head smack the ice so hard. You could have di-” He looked up to Viktor speeding back across the ice toward us. He grabbed the flashlight and shined it right in my eyes.

“Ah! What the hell?”

“I’m checking your pupils. Hold still.”

“What are you, a doctor?”

“I was studying to be an athletic trainer in school. First aid is a big part of that. Do you have a headache?” I started to shake my head. “Don’t move! I didn’t say you can move yet. Your mouth works.”

“No. No headache.”

“Do you feel dizzy at all?”

“No.”

“Do you feel sick to your stomach?”

“No.”

“How’s your vision? Does anything seem blurry?”

“No.”

He poked around my neck and shoulders and the back of my head. “Anything here feel tender?”

“The back of my head a little.”

“Good, at least you’re being honest. I don’t think you have a concussion but I’ll be annoying you every hour for the next twenty-four hours and I don’t want to hear any complaining about it. You’re the idiot who didn’t listen to your coach and got yourself hurt.”

“Every hour?”

“Yep. I’m sleeping with you tonight so I can check on you.”

“What?! No!”

“Shut up. I said no complaining. I am so mad at you right now. Don’t push me.”

“Can I get up now? The ice is cold.”

“Carefully. Take his hand.”

Viktor stretched his hand out to me, his face strained.

“Do it.” Yuri growled.

I grabbed Viktor’s hand and he pulled me to my feet with Yuri holding my head on the way up.

“Don’t move yet. How are you feeling now? Still no dizziness?”

“I’m fine. I hit my head harder than this when I got hit by the car and I survived that just fine.”

“What?!” They both shrieked. Viktor looked like he was about to pass out.

“Viktor! He’s okay! Viktor! Breathe. He’s okay.”

“What the-”

“Don’t you dare say another word unless I’ve approved it first! Viktor, get off the ice and go sit down! I’ve got him.”

Viktor just stared blankly at him.

“Vitya, you trust me, right? I’m not letting anything happen to him. He’s okay. I’m just worried about you. Please get off the ice. Please? Because you love me?”

He nodded slowly and skated to the bench.

Yuri gripped me hard and moved in front of me, anger and panic boiling below a frozen surface on his face. “When the fuck did you get hit by a car?”

“A few months ago. It was no big deal. I just wasn’t paying attention and stepped into the road.”

He groaned and closed his eyes, holding me to the point of bruising. I didn’t dare say anything.

“It was fine. I heard the horn and got out of the way. It just knocked my hip and knocked me to the ground.”

“When exactly was this?”

“Right after he left. The next day.”

“You got hit by a car the day after he left?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal! How do you do this, Yura? How are you so perfectly capable of hitting him exactly in his weakest points?”

“What is going on? Why are you both losing your minds?”

He just shook his head. “You and I are going to talk later, but now’s not the time. In the meantime, you are not to say anything to him that is mean or rejecting him in any way. I don’t want to force you into physical contact, but if he wants to hug you, I’d appreciate it greatly if you’d let him. And don’t mention any more accidents you may have been in unless you’ve talked to me first.”

“Is he really that worried that I got hurt?”

“You have no idea. You just ran fucking razor wire over his biggest wound. Keep that in mind when you speak to him.” He closed his eyes like he was in pain. “Today’s the sixth, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, Yura. Two days before. Seriously? Just… fuck. How am I going to fix this?” He wasn’t talking to me. “Change of plans. You’ll be sleeping with us tonight. Both of you need looking after. Fuck.” His eyes locked on mine with all of the intensity he was capable of. “Please, I’m begging you. Don’t reject him in any way the next few days. I know this isn’t really your fault, but you have a unique ability to hurt him in a way no one else can. If you care for him at all, please don’t reject him. Please, Yura.”

How the fuck am I going to do that? I can’t talk to him, but I also can’t reject him. I didn’t know how exactly I fucked up so thoroughly, but I owed it to him to try the best I could. “Okay. I won’t. Can I go skate now?”

“Hell no. You’re done skating for the day. We all are.” He ushered me off the ice and sat me down on the bench next to Viktor who was just staring in this weird spaced out expression. Yuri wrapped his arms around him and kissed his cheek and forehead all over. “He’s okay. I promise.”

“He got hit by a car, Yuri.”

“I know. He’s okay though. It just bumped him. It’s not the same. See? Look at him. He’s perfectly fine. Just as full of fire as ever and he’ll be far more careful from now on.”

“And his head…”

“His head is fine too. Well, physically.” Yuri flicked his eyes to the side to study me. “He doesn’t have a concussion. He’s okay. Let’s go home and soak in the onsen. That will make you feel better.”

“He doesn’t want to join us though and you need to keep an eye on him.”

“Of course he wants to join us. He grew up a lot in the last few minutes. Right, Yura?”

“Uh. Yeah. I’ll go. I just…”

“It’s okay, Yura. We’ve been teenage boys too. I know what you’re worried about. You can wear a towel if you want until you get in the water and once you’re in, no one can see anything. It’s never been an issue and I grew up at the onsen so I’ve seen everything that happens there. It’s far more relaxed than you’re imagining.” He tried to give a real smile though it took some effort. “Don’t worry, we won’t be disgusting.”

“As long as you won’t be gross, I guess it’s fine.”

“That’s why he didn’t want to go? He was worried about getting a boner?”

“Geez, Viktor. Must you always be so blunt? And of course that’s why. You were thinking worst case again, weren’t you? You need to tell me when you think like that so I can rebalance it with reality. Come on. Take your skates off so we can go home.” Viktor nodded slowly staring out at the ice like he was watching ghosts performing on it. Yuri moved to his feet and took off his skates for him.

“Vitya?” He turned to look at me, his expression unchanged. I’m sorry. I should have listened to you. I didn’t mean to scare you. Why are you so scared? I couldn’t say any of these things. “I’m okay. Really. Don’t underestimate me, old man.” I glanced at Yuri to see if I had fucked up again or not. He gave a quick smile and a nod. I apparently shattered whatever spell he was under and he launched himself at me, wrapping his heavy body around mine.

“Yurochka.” His body started shaking and rattled mine until I felt like I really would get a concussion. Was he crying? He sniffed deeply and pulled in cracking breaths.

“Oi, old man, you have no fucking clue how big you are compared to me.”

“I’m sorry! I’m hurting you.” He started to pull back, but I wrapped my arms around him.

“You’re not. You’re just heavy. Maybe you should lay off the katsudon too, old man.”

He tried to laugh and lightened his load on me but his arms still crushed me to him as tight as ever. “You have no idea how good it is to hear you picking on me again. I really missed you.”

“Yeah, I know.” Yuri gave me a warning look. He understands everything. How does he not understand that I can’t say it? He does know. He just doesn’t care. “… too.”

“Huh? What did you say?”

“I said me too.”

“You missed me?”

“Why do you think I called you, idiot?”

“Oh, Yurochka. I’m so glad you’re okay. Please be careful. I’m begging you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” His body got heavier again as he choked on his sobs.

“Yeah, you really like me or something. I don’t know why. I’m such an asshole.”

“Only sometimes. And to quote the brilliant Yuri Katsuki, ‘Isn’t everyone a bit of an asshole?’”

“He’s not.”

“I know, right? How did he come up with that when he’s the furthest from it? He’s really good at understanding people though. Don’t tell Yuri this, but sometimes I feel like he looks at me like he’s an alien sent here to study humanity.”

“I’m right here.”

I couldn’t help laughing. “Yeah, he really does. All the time actually.”

“You noticed it too? Oh, you must be getting it a lot. He’s trying to figure you out right now. Don’t worry, once he knows absolutely everything in your soul he starts to look at you normally again. Of course it comes back whenever something new comes up. Or when he’s worried.”

“Still right here.”

“Mari said he’s done that ever since he was a baby. She said it used to creep her out sometimes because he didn’t know yet how intense he is. She was so glad when he got glasses because it made him more adorable and it filtered out that stare just a bit. Makes you feel completely naked, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not here. Maybe I’m asleep in a closet. This certainly feels more like a dream than reality having people talking about you like you’re not right fucking there.”

“Uh oh. He’s swearing. I pissed him off. Be careful when he says fuck. He really means it unlike some people who use it like salt. Unless he’s drunk. Then he swears like a sailor.” He let go of me and wiped his face on his shirt. “I love you. I’m sorry, Yuri. I love the way you look at everything. Please don’t change one single thing about you. Especially not your eyes. I love those the most.”

He sighed. “Let’s go home. Come on.” He helped Viktor to his feet with no struggle at all. We wiped down our skates and put them away.

“Can we have katsudon again tonight? I’ll let you have your own bowl. I think you won at keeping everyone sane today.”

“Except myself.”

“Silver’s close enough for katsudon.” He gave a close approximation of his usual smile for fans.

“You know your standards for me have been slipping. You accused Yura of trying to make me fat; are you sure you’re not doing the same?” We went back out into the bright sunshine and walked down the boiling sidewalk with the dogs leaping behind us. Japan is so fucking hot. Twinges of pain hit my back with every step, but I decided I didn’t need to give them any more reason to freak out.

“Absolutely not! You still have to win all gold for me this season. Have you forgotten?”

“Not one second.”

We reached the road and Viktor readjusted us so that I was walking as far away from the street as he could get me with Yuri next to me and him taking the side of the street. If he was trying to protect us, why did he put me the furthest away from the road instead of Yuri?

Back at the house, Yuri grabbed an icepack and secured it to my head with a bandage. “Let me know if you feel like you’re getting too hot or get a headache or feel lightheaded or nauseated, okay?” I nodded and he led us out to the onsen.

Okay, I can do this. Just don’t look at him. That would be the worst thing to do so just don’t do that for once. Yuri stripped without batting an eye and stood there completely naked folding his clothes like it was no big deal. I would have expected at least a little modesty from him, but I guess if he grew up doing this, even he wouldn’t think anything of it. Viktor stripped without giving a fuck either, but I expected that from him. Trying to keep my eyes locked on the wall, I stripped myself bare, stepping out of the slippers to remove my pants and boxers and then putting them back on and wrapping a towel around my waist.

“Yura, you’re going to have to take the slippers off past here. It’s safe, I promise. You can walk right behind me so if there’s any dangers, I’ll find them first.”

“What’s Yura scared of?”

“I’m not scared of anything!”

“Yuri says you are.”

“Yeah, well he doesn’t know everything.”

“My experience says otherwise. Yuri, is he afraid of something or could you be wrong?”

“Of course I could be wrong, but I’m fairly certain of this one. Just relax, Yura. We’re not going to make fun of you and you don’t even have to tell us what you’re afraid of if you don’t want to. Just trust me that the last thing either of us wants is to see you get hurt so if I say it’s safe, it’s safe. You can believe that after today, right?”

“I… I guess so.”

My heart sat like a lump in my chest as I took the slippers off and put them in the basket. I looked back at Yuri and his warm smile as he took the lead gave me enough courage to take one small step forward. This isn’t home. This isn’t home. He took another step forward and my hand flung out to grab his elbow. Oh holy shit. What is this? I feel like I’m going to pass out. Yuri grabbed my hand and I clung to it like my life depended on it. I actually felt like it really did. Jesus. And I was making fun of Viktor for being pathetic and needy. They had more class than I did though and didn’t point that out. He waited for me to take another step before he moved forward again holding my hand tight and not commenting at all on how much I must be crushing his. Seriously, what is this? My heart was racing so hard in my chest I thought it was going to jump out and my head spun in sickening swirls. Step by excruciating step through burning shards of glass he led me to a small stool and sat me down after kicking the area around it with his feet to demonstrate that it was all clear.

“Go ahead and wash up. I’ll wait for you so take your time.” He sat down next to me and turned on the shower. Sitting was easier, but I still felt my feet burning on the bare ground. I breathed slowly until the feeling like I was about to die or pass out faded. I guess I had to take the towel off to wash. At least I was facing the wall. I had just pulled it off when he glanced over. “Oh, your bandage is slipping. I guess I didn’t do it tight enough. Here, let me fix it.”

He tugged me over to him and pushed my head down so he could hold the ice pack in place as he rewrapped the bandage leaving me staring right at his dick. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Please, body, don’t fucking betray me right now. You owe me that much after the fucking stunt you pulled with the whole walking across the floor shit. He twisted to get a better angle spreading his legs out to brace himself. Fuck he’s hot. So hot and so fucking perfect. God, Viktor, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want this, it’s my stupid body that decided to have a crush on him. I’m trying, okay? I’m trying and he’s making it fucking impossible. I couldn’t stop my eyes from running over every bit of his body that I could see. Smooth skin glistened over his softly bulging muscles just like it did on the stripper pole. Oh fuck, don’t think of that right now. How do I always do the worst possible thing? Yuri was so right about that. He released me just as my dick started to swell.

“That’s better. I think that will hold this time.”

Fuck, where’s the cold water on this thing? I twisted the knob as hard as I could to the left and icy water splashed on me saving me at the last second.

Yuri yelped. “Jesus, Yura. You miss Russia that much, huh?”

“Oh sorry.” I guess some of the spray was hitting him too. I angled the shower away from him. “Better?”

“Yeah.”

I ended up finishing before him not wanting to stay long in the cold water or without the towel. He finally finished and stood up, offering me his hand without a word. Viktor gave me a bit of a weird look but then shrugged and walked off, his dick swaying and towel tossed over his shoulder without him giving a fuck at all. I guess when you look like that and you’ve had people literally worshiping the ground you walk on for more than a decade, it’s hard to find a reason for covering up. At least we were the only people in here. It made clinging to a naked man like a baby slightly more bearable. Slightly.

We slowly and painfully made our way out to the onsen where the faint smell of eggs hit me. “Why’s it smell like rotten eggs?”

“That’s the minerals in the water. It’s good for you and you’ll get used to it in a few minutes.”

“Rotten eggs are good for you?”

“It’s not rotten eggs, it’s sulfur. They’re minerals from the earth near the volcanoes. All good things, I promise. You’ll see. Absolutely nothing feels better after skating practice than soaking in the onsen. I was so miserable in Detroit without it. I never knew my body could hurt so much. Phichit and I learned how to give each other massages and that helped, but it still wasn’t as good as this.”

“What’s a Phichit?”

He laughed as we stepped into the water. “Not what, who. He was my roommate back in Detroit and my best friend. He’s going to make it to the Grand Prix this year, I’m sure of it.”

“You traded massages with a guy? Gay.”

“Uh, yeah, I’m gay in case you hadn’t noticed yet.” Viktor started laughing. “But Phichit and I never dated.”

“Oh, don’t mind him. He’s got a weird thing about being gay even though I think it’s hypocritical. By the way, only having sex with a guy makes you gay. Or wanting to.” He winked.

“Shut up, old man.” I tossed my towel to the side and sat down as quickly as I could into the scalding hot water while holding my hands in front of me.

“Hey, I’m just saying that you blushed pretty hard watching Yuri on the pole.”

“He saw that?! I thought there were no minors there!”

“Yeah, well, he does what he wants.” Viktor winked again and opened his arms to Yuri who left me to go join him. They cuddled together but at least refrained from kissing. “Seriously, Yura, when are you going to admit it?”

“Admit what?”

“That you’re gay.”

“Vitka, maybe now’s not the best time to push him on that. I want his first time in the onsen to be enjoyable.”

“I’m not pushing, just asking.”

“I’m not gay, asshole!” Liar. It’s one thing lying about that when I was still lying to myself, but now that fucking Yuri had made me painfully aware of it it made it hard to keep the burning blush from my face as I said it.

“Okay, whatever. How’s the water? Pretty good, right?”

“Yeah. I think I wrenched my back when I fell. This… helps.” The water really did feel amazing. I could easily get used to this.

“Let me take a look at it when we get out.”

“Playing doctor again?” I grumbled.

“No, playing athletic trainer only halfway through his schooling who knows his limits.”

“I thought you only had a year left for school,” Viktor said.

“I should really get my master’s too.”

“Oh, really? Are we going to Detroit then after we retire?”

“I don’t know. I can transfer schools. Or… I like coaching you. I never really considered that as an option because who would want to learn from someone who fails so much? But you’ve done a good job making me look competent.” Was he serious? Even before Viktor, he was still competing at the top levels. He really was hard on himself.

“Yuri.” He didn’t have to say anything else. His warning tone said it all. Huh. Yuri’s name. The only thing big enough to contain all of his endless words.

“I know. I’m sorry. You think I should go for it?”

“You’d be an excellent coach. You are an excellent coach. Isn’t he, Yurochka?”

“Yeah, really good. It was strange not being yelled at into getting better though.”

“I know, right? It took me a while to adjust to that too. It felt too easy. Like cheating. He just talks to you all sweet and comforting and then better skating just flows out of you like magic. And with those eyes of his, he always zeros in on exactly what your problem is. I’ve trained with the best in the world and he’s better than the best and he asks me if he should go for it. Such a silly man sometimes with his wavering confidence. I think that if you want to coach, you should do it. If you want to go back to school, that’s fine too. I’ll go wherever you go so don’t worry about that. Anything you want to do, you should go for it.”

“I promised my family I’d get my degree. But I really do love coaching.”

“I think they’d understand. If you can have success as a coach, I don’t think they’d fault you for that. And there’s nothing to say you can’t do both. Your education really adds a ton of valuable knowledge for your coaching, my incredibly sexy smart man.”

Yuri’s pink cheeks got brighter as he dropped his head to face the water. “I’ve always wanted to turn this place into a training facility. I’ve talked to Mari about it a few times. She seemed to like the idea and my parents tend to go with whatever we want to do as long as we agree on it. The Ice Castle would need to be fixed up a little, but it’s a good rink…”

Viktor reached under his chin and pulled his eyes back to him. “I think that sounds like a perfect idea. I can’t imagine a better place to train ice skating. I’m certain that skaters around the world would come banging down your door for a chance to train with the great Yuri Katsuki.”

“What about you? Would you coach with me?”

“I thought I was a terrible coach.”

“Yes, terrible in the best possible way. You have the strong technical side that I lack and you’re so good at pushing people right until they’re about to break. And your ideas kill me, but they’re great ideas. I wasn’t exaggerating when I called you a genius. It’s just that reaching genius levels with you is a rather painful stretch away from the earth. That’s why I call you a terrible coach. I’m sorry if you thought otherwise.”

“You really like training with me? I thought you were just indulging me.”

Yuri jumped, his eyes wide. “Of course I like training with you. You helped me reach silver at both the Grand Prix and Worlds. You make all of my dreams come true. Your coaching is unique to say in the least, but I wouldn’t trade it for any other. Yura knows what I’m talking about, right? You think he’s completely insane but then his insanity turns into brilliance.”

“He is insane alright. But he does know his shit.”

“Aww… A compliment of the highest order from my Yurochka. He thinks I’m competent.” The dangerous look of ideas formed on his face. “Hey, Yuri! Let’s do a training camp this summer! A test run for the local kids free of charge. Yura can coach with us too! It will be amazing! Yuko will agree, right?”

“Hey! Wait! I didn’t say I wanted to coach!”

“Come on, Yurochka! It’ll be fun! Right, Yuri? We can do it, right?” He looked like a damn child begging his parents for permission.

“I’ll talk to Yuko.”

“Yes! This will be amazing!” He flung his arms around Yuri and I knew exactly how much weight he was throwing on him, but Yuri didn’t move at all. He was so fucking strong. Goddamn it. Stop thinking about fucking Yuri and his fucking hot, strong body. Fuck. The water was pretty cloudy and they were far away, but I pressed my hands over my stupid dick anyway just in case. Stupid body wanting stupid things.

“Come on, let’s go talk to her now!” He stood up and pulled Yuri with him. Fuck! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Goddamn wet, naked Yuri. “Let’s go, Yurochka!”

“No! Not yet! Uh, just a few more minutes.”

“So you like it after all, huh? Okay. I guess I can wait a few more minutes.” He sat back down and naked Yuri joined him, watching me with those fucking eyes.

“Uh, my back still kinda hurts. The water feels good on it.”

“Your back is that bad? Turn around.”

“Huh?”

“Let me check it out. Put your arms up on the ledge and I’ll see if I can feel where the problem is.”

“No. I’m fine. That’s not necessary.”

“Yura, just let him check your back. He’s not going to do anything weird to you. He’s really good at this. Please? I want to make sure that you don’t have any serious injuries.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Goddamn it. He had to use that line. Fuck. “As long as he doesn’t do anything weird.”

I turned around and put my arms up on the rough rocks, digging them into my flesh to try and distract my stupid body. Yuri waded over and put his hands on my neck. Strong. Confident. Quiet. Comforting. No, don’t relax! Keep your defenses up! I pressed harder into the rocks.

“Tell me if anything hurts.” I nodded and he started pressing gently into my muscles along my neck and shoulders. “Relax, Yura. I can’t feel it properly if you’re tense.” My body instantly responded to his voice without me giving it permission to do so. “That’s better. Anything here at all?” I shook my head and he moved lower on my back, pressing carefully. If the water was effective at relaxing my muscles, Yuri’s touch made them completely melt. My head fell forward onto my arms and I couldn’t care about my stupid boner any more. Let him find it for all I care. Just please touch me more. I’m already an asshole. No sense in not enjoying this. By the time he got to my lower back, I was fucking drooling, my mind and body both completely shut down. He pressed into the right side of my low back and I shot back up as pain stabbed into my gut. “Here, right?”

“Yeah. Definitely there.”

“Stand up just a little so I can check for bruising.” At least all that relaxing made my dick go back down. I cupped my hands in front of myself and stood up. “Okay, you can sit back down. It looks like you landed on your butt first. There’s a bruise there. It probably jammed your back up as you fell back. I’ll see if I can make it feel better. Let me know if I make it feel worse at all.” I nodded and he pressed gently into the spot that felt like a knife had been wedged in it. It hurt a little, but it was the good kind of hurt like a good workout. “Try to relax again.” I put my head back down on my arms and he worked his perfect hands deeper and deeper into the muscle. His arm wrapped around my stomach so he could press against it and the only thing I could think was wishing he put it lower. I’m so fucking sorry, Viktor. Why did you have to pick the hottest guy on the planet for your boyfriend? Oh, because he was generally considered the hottest guy on the planet. Makes sense I guess. It made me sick how fucking perfect they were for each other. I couldn’t even dream that I would steal Yuri from him. He was Viktor’s and I was just the asshole who wanted him to give me any shred of attention he had to spare. So fucking pathetic. He pulled his hands back. “How does that feel?”

Awful. Still hurts. Touch me some more, please. A little lower too. “Better. Thanks.” I turned around and he smiled.

“Good. Let me know if it starts to hurt again later. I can do it again. It sometimes takes a few tries to go away completely.” Bless and curse the fucking gods. Torture me with fucking pleasure. What kind of sick joke was the universe pulling on me?

“Thanks. It does feel a lot better.” He bowed and went back to Viktor. He fucking bowed to me for letting him touch me? He is so fucking cruel.

“Yuri, Yuri, I fell and hurt my back too.”

He smiled the cutest smile ever. “Did you now? I didn’t see you fall.”

Viktor sighed and pouted. “No, you’re right. I just wanted you to touch me with your magic hands. Please? I’ll let you do all the weird stuff you want to me.” He winked.

“Viktor! There’s children present.” So fucking cruel.

“Hey! I’m not a child!”

“Sorry, I should say minor.”

“I’ll take it without the weird stuff too. Please?” Yuri sighed, but smiled and moved closer as Viktor flipped around relaxing instantly onto his arms. “You’re the best.” He groaned in pleasure when Yuri’s hands started in on his shoulders. Watching Yuri give Viktor a massage wasn’t nearly as bad as when Viktor decided to repay the favor and give Yuri a massage. I now knew what Yuri’s incredible hands felt like and could imagine it as he worked, but the desire to know what the rest of him felt like gnawed in my stomach. How the hell was I going to rid myself of fucking Yuri Katsuki? I wonder if Yuri would know how.

We got out of the water and I learned that the towels were for more than just covering yourself as Yuri insisted we dried off before going back into the changing room. Seriously, what is the point of the towel then if you just have to keep taking it off and flashing everyone anyway? Like the pathetic child that I am, I clung to Yuri’s hand as he led me back through broken glass to the changing room. When had I become incapable of walking anywhere without shoes? It had never been an issue before so it slipped in without me noticing until fucking Yuri shoved it in my face. How did such a quiet man scream so fucking loud? We only had our sweaty clothes from skating so Yuri gave us robes then fixed my pathetic attempt at tying it. Like I was a fucking child. Yuri got the okay from his friend to go ahead with Viktor’s idiot idea of having us teach a bunch of snot nosed kids for two fucking weeks. Fucking shoot me. He was running around their bedroom shouting out ideas at random while Yuri tried to organize them into something resembling a well thought out plan. Why was he so worried about him? He seemed fine.

“Yura, can you send out a tweet about it? I already did, but your fangirls are sure to spread the word.”

“Ugh! I don’t even want to be involved in this stupid plan.”

“Please, Yurochka? It’ll be so much fun! Little kids are the best. I think it’d be good for you to coach someone else for a change too. Then you can see what it’s like when some little punk decides that he knows better than you and hurts himself and scares you half to death.”

“Ugh. Fine. What am I saying?”

“Just give the dates and say details are still to come.” I pulled out my phone and started typing. “Were you texting?”

“Huh?”

“When you got hit by the car. Were you texting or something?”

“Vitya, just leave it alone, please. He’s fine.”

“I want to know. How did you get hit, Yura?”

“I wasn’t texting.” I glanced at Yuri to see if he could help with the weight Viktor had suddenly dropped on the room. His eyes were fixed on Viktor with more focus than I’d ever seen a person have.

“So how did you get hit? Tell me.”

“I was running and didn’t pay attention.”

“Running? Were you training?”

“No.”

“Why were you running?”

“I felt like it.”

“You just felt like running into the street?”

“It was an accident. I wasn’t paying attention like I said before. It’s no big deal. I was fine enough to keep running after.”

“You got hit by a car and got up and just kept running?! Why were you running, Yura?”

“Viten’ka, please drop it. I’m begging you. Please. He’s fine. He won’t do it again.”

“Stop trying to manage me like a child, Yuri!” His voice snapped and my heart dropped. I didn’t realize they were capable of fighting. It seemed so… impossible.

“I’m not trying to manage you, Vitya. I’m trying to protect you just like how you want to protect me. I accept your requests to keep me safe; please do the same with me.” Yuri put his hand on Viktor’s shoulder and he knocked it away. What the hell?

He looked back at me, an unreadable expression on his face. “Tell me, Yura. Why were you running?”

“It’s not a big deal. I’m sorry I mentioned it.”

“Why, Yura?”

“I was upset, okay?”

“Why were you upset?”

“I just got into a fight with Yakov and ran off.”

“Was this the fight Mila told me about? The one where Yakov told you to get off the ice and you wouldn’t and Georgi had to pull you off?”

“Stupid hag. Why is she telling you shit about me like that?”

“Because I fucking care about you and everyone knows it but you! Was it the same fight?!”

“Yeah.”

“It was because of me, wasn’t it?” His voice dropped so low I could barely hear him. “That’s why you fought with them. That’s why you ran off. You were upset because I left.”

Yuri, help me. What do I say? Do I reject him and say I didn’t care that he left or do I tell him I ran into the street because I was upset he left? I was fairly certain that both things were the wrong things to say. I looked over at him and the quiet confidence he always seemed to have was gone. He met my eyes and looked at me like he was begging me for help this time. My silence was answer enough. Viktor collapsed in like he was trying to shrink into non-existence and silent sobs shook him even smaller until he sucked in a gasping breath like he’d been tossed into an icy lake.

“I did it again. It was my fault. He got hit because of me.” Yuri wrapped his arms around him, but Viktor shoved him off. “Get away from me!” Woah. That was my line. Not his. Stop stealing my lines, Viktor. It’s annoying and they sound all wrong in your mouth.

“Vitya, please. It’s not your fault. It never was. You know this. Please listen to me.” He tried to hug him again, but Viktor shoved him away. He sat there frozen staring at Viktor trying to figure out what to do while I sat there frozen waiting for him to figure it out and fix it. He shook his head to clear out his shock and looked at me. “Can you sit with him for a minute? Don’t leave him alone for a second. I’ll be right back. I just need to make a phone call.” I nodded and he stood up and put his hand on Viktor’s back. “I’ll be right back. I’m just going to go call doctor Kuznetsov.”

Viktor jolted back up and grabbed Yuri’s hand. “Don’t leave me! Please! Don’t-”

“Shh… It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” Yuri dropped back to his knees and Viktor pulled him into the hole he was creating in the atmosphere. “I can call him later. It’s fine. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

“Please don’t leave me, Yuri. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m right here by your side for as long as you want me there. You don’t have to worry.” I didn’t know how he could breathe with how tight Viktor was holding him, but he didn’t make a single move to free himself. “Yura, why don’t you go out and watch some TV or something. I’ve got this.”

What? No, you don’t. You were looking at me all helpless just a few seconds ago. What’s wrong with Viktor? How did he break so easily? Why are you calling a Russian doctor in Japan? “Okay.” I stood up feeling a bit dizzy.

“Wait. Before you go can you tell Viktor what you really think about who’s fault the accident was?”

Wait. Why are you trusting me to tell him that right now? Don’t you know I say the wrong fucking things to him at the worst possible times? Of course you do. You’re the one who told me that. “Uh, it’s-”

“Look at him, Yura. Mean it. In Russian.” Eyes up, Yura. I took a step forward then knelt down.

“Vitya?” His eyes flashed up and locked on mine all red and blue. “Vitya, it’s not your fault. I was the idiot who wasn’t looking where I was going. I was supposed to keep my eyes up and I didn’t. It’s completely my fault.”

Yuri gave me a small smile and nodded.

I turned to go but then decided to push my luck. “And, Vitya? Stop stealing my lines. It’s annoying and it just sounds stupid coming from you. You know you can’t be as cool as I am so stop trying. You tell him to get off of you one more time and I’m suing you for copyright infringement.”

Yuri smiled and mouthed, “Thank you,” as I headed out the door.

I wandered around the house, not really sure of where to go or what to do. I ended up in Yuri’s room staring at the perfect Viktors all over the walls. An image. One he kept up for absolutely everyone. Five years I’ve known him, skated with him, watched him fall and struggle and I’ve only ever seen this paper face. I doubted that anyone else at the rink could say differently and he obviously had no life outside of it. He never got frustrated or felt sorry for himself no matter how many times in a row he fell. I always thought it was super annoying how he’d just laugh every time and get up saying, “Well, that wasn’t it,” or something else stupid like that. Why couldn’t he do that now? How did I break him, Yuri? I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t even being mean to him for once.

“Oh! Yurio. Sorry. I didn’t realize you were in here. I was just going to change your sheets, but I can come back.”

I turned around. “No, it’s fine.” What the hell was wrong with my voice? Shit. I was crying?

“Are you okay?” Mari stepped closer and put her hand on my shoulder. Eyes that looked a whole lot like Yuri’s watched me with concern.

“I’m fi- I broke Viktor. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” She put the sheets down and hugged me. She felt a lot like I think Yuri would. Soft, but really strong. I hugged her back instead of pushing her away, trying to imagine it was Yuri.

“What do you mean you broke Viktor? He’s really strong. I doubt you broke him.”

“No, I did. I broke him but I don’t know how. He’s in his room sobbing. He pushed Yuri away when he tried to hug him.”

“He pushed Yuri away?”

“A few times. It was… wrong.”

“Yeah, that is wrong. What happened? Why is he upset?”

“I don’t know. We were talking about the stupid training camp and he just started asking me how I got hit by the car-”

“You got hit by a car?!” She pulled back a little to look at me.

“It was no big deal. It just bumped me. I wasn’t really hurt.”

She sighed and pulled me back tight to her. “That doesn’t matter. You got hit by a car.”

“Why does he care so much about that? He said it was his fault and just… broke.”

“Why did he say it was his fault? Did he have anything to do with it? Did you tell him that?”

“No! I had gotten into a fight with my coach and ran off. That’s how I got hit. I guess Mila had told him about the fight and said we had been talking about him right before it happened.”

“Huh? You were talking about him and then got into a fight because of it? Were you upset because of him?”

“No… Yes. He left. The night before he just left me and they were talking about him leaving and I just didn’t want to hear it but Mila wouldn’t shut up so I yelled at her and then Yakov yelled at me and we got into a fight and I ran off and got hit by a car but I was fine. I wasn’t hurt.”

“That doesn’t matter. He’s blaming himself for it happening. Is Yuri with him now?”

“Yeah. Yuri said he was going to make a phone call and he freaked out about him leaving so he’s suffocating him in there. Or at least he was when I left.”

She laughed. “He’s okay then. Yuri knows how to help him. Though, this one is going to be a tricky one.”

“How did I break him? I didn’t mean to.”

She squeezed her arms tighter. “You didn’t. This is just something from his past that is connected to you. It’s not your fault. He’s survived it this long and now he has Yuri to help him, so he’ll be fine. Just relax. Our Vikchan is strong. Don’t worry. He’ll be his happy self again soon. Don’t cry, Yuri-chan. He’s fine.”

“Why are you using your brother’s name for me? Don’t you want to keep us separate?”

“Why? Isn’t Yuri your name too? Why wouldn’t I use it?”

“It’s… confusing.”

“Only when you’re both in the same room.”

“Viktor always calls me Yura or Yurochka though even when Yuri’s not there.”

“Aren’t those Russian nicknames? Hasn’t he always called you that?”

“Yeah.”

“So why would he stop?”

“Well, why doesn’t he ever use Russian nicknames for Yuri? You guys use Japanese nicknames for him.”

“Well, I’m guessing it’s because Yura and Yurochka are you. You really think he wants to call his lover by his little brother’s name? That’d just be weird. He says Yura and he thinks of you, not Yuri. I mean, I say Yuri-chan and I think of Yuri, my brother, but it’s not weird for me to lump you two together.”

“I’m not his little brother.”

“Aren’t you? Maybe not by blood, but that’s how he thinks of you. He even calls you that half the time when he’s talking about you. That’s why I said what I did last night. You’re already a part of our family because you’re Viktor’s family.”

“I’m so mean to him though.”

She laughed again. “Yeah, definitely his brother. Seriously, do you know how mean Yuri and I can be to each other? I mean it’s better now that we’re adults, but really, being mean to each other is one of the requirements for being brothers. Just relax, Yuri-chan. He’ll be fine. Come with me. I’ll make you some udon.” She grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and wiped my face like I was a baby then pulled me along with her. The dogs got all excited to see us and jumped around our feet. Dogs are so annoying. “Sit. It’ll take me a little bit to make.” She pointed to the table.

“Can… can I help you?”

“You want to help me?” She looked surprised.

“I like cooking. My grandpa always has me help him.”

“Of course you can help me. Come on. Huh, so only one Yuri is lazy. Weird.” She led me into the kitchen which looked ancient and had tons of pots and pans and ingredients all over open shelves but looked to be organized in some way. All of the dark wooden cabinets made it pretty dim, but a bright window was open just past the stove and the green fields and mountains in the distance seemed to glow from inside the dark frame of the kitchen. The fresh air coming in and swirled around the room with a couple of big fans felt really nice.

“Yuri’s lazy?”

She handed me an apron then started taking ingredients out of the pantry. “Sort of. He hates doing stuff around the house so he gets out of it as much as possible. I know you can’t be lazy and be a skater though, so it’s just annoying. I guess I shouldn’t give him crap for that. He does work really hard all day especially now that he has Viktor to take care of. Okay, so first we’re going to make the dough for the noodles. It’s pretty simple. Just flour, salt, and water.” She put a mound of flour onto a wooden cutting board and made a hole in the middle and filled it with water and a bit of salt. “So, really, I should measure this stuff out, but I never do. I just go by how it feels. I add a little less water than I think I’ll need and then just add more as I go if I feel like it needs it. Here, you start mixing it together and I’ll watch. Just kinda fold the flour into the water.”

I rolled up my sleeves then knocked the wall of flour into the water and turned her neat pile into a huge mess that clung all over my hands. “Uh, I think I’m doing it wrong.”

“Nope. Just keep mixing. It’s always a mess at first.”

“Okay.” I plunged my fingers into the mess and churned it until dry lumps started to form. “Oh, uh, do you think Viktor and Yuri would like some? Is there enough here for that?”

She smiled. “I think they’d love some. Yeah, there’s enough. You’re doing good. Keep mixing.” She reached over and felt the dough and seemed pleased. “It always feels like there’s not enough water until the end. Only add more water if the lumps refuse to start clinging together and then only tiny bits.” I kept mixing and the lumps started to form in a craggy ball and come away from my hands just a bit. Mari went over and stood by the window pulling out a box of cigarettes. “Do you mind if I smoke?”

“Uh…”

She tucked the box back in her apron. “Okay, that’s fine.”

“Sorry. I don’t like the smell.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She came back over to look over my shoulder. “The dough’s looking good. Just keep kneading it until it’s a smooth ball. Just press and stretch it then fold it back. Like this.” She took the rough ball from me and pushed her hands into it then folded it, turned it, and pressed again. She handed it back and I started working the hard lump. My arms started burning after just a minute.

“Wow, this is tough.”

“Here, I’ll finish. Can you get that big pot down and fill it with water?” She pressed into the dough again and the muscles in her arms started rippling as she worked it easily. She was really strong. Like Yuri.

“Uh, sure.” I grabbed the pot down and waited for it to fill. It was huge and once it was filled with water I could barely lift it from the bottom of the sink.

“Oh, that’s fine. I’ll do it in a minute.”

“No! I can do it!”

“You don’t need to hurt yourself.”

“I can do it.” I grabbed the handles and lifted with all of my strength. It sloshed over me as I held it close to my body on the way to the stove. It landed with a thunk and I braced on it heaving to catch my breath. “I did it.”

“Good job. Apparently skating doesn’t work your arms, huh? Even Okaasan can carry that.” She smiled. I wanted to protest, but considering she was turning the lump of dough that kicked my ass into jelly, I didn’t have a right to. Instead I turned the flame on under the pot and put a lid on it. “Think you can handle another pot? This one is smaller.” She pointed to the much more reasonable pot above her head. I grabbed it, filled it, and stuck it on the stove next to the behemoth one. “Don’t turn it on yet. We have to get the seaweed in first to make the dashi.”

“Seaweed?” I stuck out my tongue and wrinkled my nose.

“Don’t worry, it’s good. I promise.” She laid a towel over the dough and rinsed her hands. She dug a green piece of wrinkly paper out of a bag and tossed it in the pot then turned it on. “Now we wait. Would you like some tea?”

“Sure.”

“Hot or cold?”

“Cold.” She grabbed a pitcher from the fridge and poured it over two glasses filled with ice. We relaxed against the counter and watched the summer day outside in silence. Mari was pretty cool. Makes sense I guess being related to Yuri. I wonder if Mari would know how to rid myself of Yuri. Don’t be stupid. You can’t ask her that. It’d just make it weird for everyone. The smaller pot started boiling and she put her glass down and grabbed a pair of huge chopsticks.

“Okay, so you put the konbu in when the water’s cold and take it out when it starts to boil then put in the bonito. Make sure you don’t boil the konbu or it’ll make it taste bitter.” She fished the green paper out and grabbed another bag from the pantry and pulled out a huge handful of light pink paper shavings and put it in the pot. She added another huge handful and put the lid on. More paper. What the hell?

“Uh, so what’s bonito?”

“It’s a fish. This has been dried and smoked. It gets really hard after it sits for a long time and they shave it into these flakes. Okaasan likes to use the whole fish and shave it herself, but I think the flakes are easier and taste just as good. Just boil these for a few minutes then turn off the heat and let it sit a bit longer. So, this is really all we need for udon, but I usually like to add some meat and mushrooms to it. Yuri likes it with ajitsuke tamago, uh… like a soaked egg.”

“Soaked egg?”

“It’s a boiled egg that gets soaked in a sauce. I think you’d like it. I have some already made. They take a few hours to soak.” She grabbed a pan and some meat and mushrooms from the fridge. “Can you slice these? I’ll get the seasonings.” She handed me a cutting board and a knife.

“How should I slice them?”

“Just in thin strips.”

I nodded and started slicing. “Is Viktor really going to be okay?”

“He’ll be fine. I was a little worried when you said he pushed Yuri away. That’s not how he usually responds to being upset, but if he’s back to clinging to him, he’ll be fine. Yuri knows how to handle him like this. Here, put that in the pan.”

I scraped the slices into the sizzling pan and she went to start rolling out the dough. “If Yuri knows how to handle it already, it must happen a lot, huh?”

“No, not really. Yuri just really understands people freaking out. For obvious reasons.”

“Not obvious to me.”

“Really? Yuri’s like the king of freak outs. Here, take over for me rolling out the dough. Just get it nice and even and thin.”

“Huh? He seems pretty calm and confident to me.”

She started laughing so hard, she slammed her hand onto the counter and made the bowls on it rattle. “Yuri? As in my brother? Oh my god. Oh, I guess you’ve only known him after Viktor. Yeah, he’s much better now that he has Viktor. He was a mess before.”

Oh, I guess that’s what he was talking about before with his fear and skating. I mean, I guess I knew he was kinda shy with interviews, but really, who likes doing those besides Viktor? I pressed my weight into the rolling pin to help my pathetic arms roll out the tough dough. I really need to start lifting weights. She came back over and sprinkled more flour on the dough then folded it up. “You did a good job slicing the meat, try the noodles. Just cut them like this.” She sliced a few and handed me the knife. We tossed the ribbons in the pot of boiling water and she grabbed some bowls down. “You’re actually really helpful in the kitchen. Any time you feel like cooking, just come join me or Okaasan.”

“Viktor was saying he wanted katsudon again tonight. Can I learn how to make it? It’s really good. I think my grandpa would like it.”

“Of course.” She stirred the noodles with a smile on her face. “You’re really sweet.”

“Huh? No, I’m not.”

“Is that a cool teenager answer or a self-misconception answer?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, do you say that because you don’t want to be seen as sweet or because you don’t think you’re sweet?”

“Both.”

“Interesting. Well, either way I think you’re sweet so deal with it.” She scooped the noodles out of the pot and into a strainer. “Here, rinse these under cool water.”

“Won’t that make them cold?”

“Yeah but if you don’t rinse them they’ll get sticky and the broth heats them back up.”

“Oh okay.” I went to the sink and turned on the tap. I scooped them into the bowls and she added the broth, filtering it through a strainer as she went.

“Here, slice these scallions and then slice each of the eggs in half.”

“How do I slice the scallions?”

“As thin as you can get them.” I started chopping them, but she stopped me after a second. “Here, hold the knife like this and hold the scallions like this.” She adjusted my fingers over the scallions into a claw shape and scooched the knife handle up further into my hand. “Better.”

“That is easier. Thanks. I guess good teaching skills run in the family.” She smiled and bowed her head. I moved on to slicing the eggs. They were brown outside, but the inner layer was still white and the bright orange yolk was gooey and clung to the knife. I didn’t know what it was soaked in, but it looked good. She added them to the bowls which she had arranged like little works of art. God, why couldn’t I have been born into this family? Life is so fucking unfair.

“Here. Why don’t you bring these bowls to Yuri-chan and Vikchan. I’ll bring Okaasan and Otousan theirs.” She handed me two bowls and two sets of chopsticks. So, they eat soup with chopsticks too. Weird.

I walked down the hall trying not to slosh her artwork while also checking for glass. I didn’t have a hand to knock so I shouted instead. “Yuri? Viktor? Hey, um sorry for interrupting, but I brought you some udon.”

Yuri came and opened the door with a strained smile. “Thank you. That was very kind of you.” I handed him the bowls. “Are you joining us?”

“Um… Don’t you want privacy?”

“We’d love to eat with you.”

“Oh, uh. Okay. I’ll be right back.” I left to grab my bowl and found Mari in the kitchen smoking.

“Oh, sorry.” She waved her hand toward the window trying to blow the smoke out.

“It’s fine. I was just grabbing my bowl. I’m going to eat with them. Thanks for letting me cook with you. It was fun.”

“Yeah, it was. Like I said, join me any time.”

I headed back down to their room with my bowl. Yuri opened the door for me before I had to knock. “I’m sorry things got so upsetting. Everything’s okay.”

“Is Viktor okay?”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. How are you doing? It’s about time for me to annoy you again.” He leaned in close to stare into my eyes before he stepped back and let me in.

“I feel fine.” I sat down across from Viktor who was propped on the floor at the end of the bed, his face red and puffy, but had a small smile for me.

“Good.”

“I’m sorry, Yurochka. I didn’t mean to lose my head and worry you.”

“It’s fine.”

“Oh, you must be really worried. No, ‘screw you, old man, I wouldn’t worry about you at all.’”

“Screw you, old man.”

He smiled and took a bite of the noodles. “That’s better. Mmm… udon. I love udon. So good. Was it your idea to bring us food?”

“Um, sort of. Mari offered to make me some and I thought you guys might like some too.”

“Uh oh. Were you that upset?” Yuri asked.

“Huh?”

“Mari always offers udon when someone’s crying.”

“What? No! I wasn’t crying.”

“Right. I must have forgotten all those years of this dish being her favorite to make when someone needs serious comfort. I tried to convince her to switch it to katsudon, but she says udon is softer and therefore better on throats sore from crying.” He smiled at my scowl. “Everything’s okay. Really.”

I kept scowling as I tried to grasp the slippery noodles with the chopsticks. “Seriously, who eats fucking soup with two goddamn sticks?!”

Viktor started laughing. “Try drinking the broth first. Yuri tells me that’s the wrong way to do it, but it’s the only way I was ever able to grab the noodles. They’re a little less slippery when they’re a bit drier.”

I decided to eat the egg and meat first so it wouldn’t fall on my face when I tried to drink it. I grabbed one half of the egg after a few failed attempts and popped it in my mouth. “Mmm… that’s really good.”

Yuri smiled. “Isn’t it? It’s my favorite.”

“I know. Mari told me when we were making it.”

“You helped her make this?” His eyes widened.

“Yeah, don’t need to act so surprised.”

“Sorry. I just didn’t know you cooked.”

“I cook all the time.” I wonder how long it would take my mom to starve to death without me there. The thought warmed my heart.

“Well, you did a great job.”

“Thanks.” I buried my face in my bowl to hide my blush.

The rest of the day was weird with Viktor seeming okay but quiet. It seemed like no one knew how to respond to quiet Viktor except Yuri who just stayed happily closer to him than usual as if that were possible. Later that night I was ordered into their bedroom with Yuri accepting no negotiations. I stood at the end of the bed, not sure where to go from there with Makkachin and Vicchan curled up at Viktor’s feet and Potya safely in Yuri’s bedroom.

“Come to bed, Yura.” Yuri patted the spot next to him.

“I’ll just sleep on the floor.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. The bed is big enough for all of us and you injured your back today. I don’t think you want to sleep on the floor nor do I want to crawl out of bed every hour to check on you.”

“You’re being insane about this.”

“I’m following protocol about this. It’s only for one night.”

We stared each other down until Viktor broke the silence. “Hey, Yuri. You think he’s worried about getting turned on again? I mean he would be sleeping next to your sexy self.”

“Huh?!” Sure, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Not like you’re spot on, fucking idiot.

“Viktor! God, you have no filter at all. I’m sorry, Yura. Again, I promise no weird stuff.”

“Maybe he’s a cuddler. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll get jealous if he ends up cuddling with you in his sleep. It’s okay, Yura. I’d forgive you as long as you share and return him in the morning.” Thanks for the idea. I stormed over to the bed as Yuri chastised him again.

“Viktor!”

“Hey, I know what works. Don’t blame me.”

Yuri hit him with his pillow then tucked it back under his head and turned toward me. Viktor wrapped himself tight against him and buried his face in his neck, inhaling deeply. “Can you tell me the months of the year going backward? It can be in Russian.”

“Ugh. Do I have to?”

“Yes.”

“Fine.” I ran through the months easily. “Satisfied?”

“For now. Go to sleep.”

“Why if you’re just going to wake me up in an hour?”

“I won’t be waking you up. You need to sleep. I’ll just be checking for your breathing and listening for moaning.” Viktor burst out laughing. “I mean moaning from pain, you pervert. Go to sleep, both of you. I can’t handle any more of you guys right now. Fucking end of me, I swear.”

“But, Yuri, you got katsudon for having to deal with us. Doesn’t that make it worth it?”

“No. But your smile does.” He twisted back to kiss him.

“Ugh, you’re going to make me puke.” Shut up, asshole. They’re finally acting normally again. “Hey, Yuri?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.”

Stupid Viktor gasped.

“What for?”

“I didn’t listen to Viktor and got hurt and now you have to keep waking up all night.”

Viktor fell onto his back clutching his chest.

“Viktor, stop teasing him. It’s okay, Yura, as long as you’ve learned your lesson about listening to your coach. Now go to sleep! Both of you. I feel like a dad already.”

Viktor climbed back around Yuri tossing his leg over his hip like he was an octopus. “You’re going to make a great dad. I can’t wait until we have kids.”

“How would you have kids? I mean would you pay some woman to have them or adopt? I mean, I guess it must be harder for two guys to go about having kids.”

“Mari offered to donate eggs so that we could have kids related to both of us. We’d have to get someone else to carry them because according to her, that’s just way too close to her being knocked up by her gay brother in law, but it was so incredibly kind of her to offer that. We’re so lucky to have Yuri’s family.”

“Woah, really? That’s… really nice.”

“Yeah, it really is. Every Katsuki is amazing. Well, I haven’t met too many of the extended family yet, we’ve been so busy, but I’m going to assume they’re amazing too.”

“Eh, there’s some weirdos in the bunch. And the older generation wouldn’t be so keen on us marrying. I’m lucky that my parents don’t follow traditions too much otherwise grandma might be able to stop us from getting married at all.”

“Really? How?”

“Well marriages are supposed to be approved by the eldest in the family. They earn the most respect, but Okaasan and Otousan are both rebels and don’t really care much what the elders think and they’re fine with us, thankfully. I’m not as rebellious as they are. If they didn’t approve it, I don’t think I would be able to marry him.”

“What?! You wouldn’t marry the guy you’ve had plastered on your walls for years if your parents didn’t like it?”

“Well, I guess Viktor might be enough to turn me into a rebel, but I love my parents. It would kill me if they didn’t approve.”

“Oh, really? Weird.”

“Why is that weird?”

“I don’t know. Just said random things. I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.” I flopped onto the pillow and closed my eyes trying to force sleep before I said more stupid things.

“Sweet dreams, Yura.” He turned back to give Viktor a kiss somehow even though Viktor still had him completely tied down. I guess he was used to it. “Sweet dreams, my love. You’ll stay right by my side all night, right? You promise?”

“For as long as you want me there.”

“Good. I want to wake up with you no further away from me than this.” Huh. I thought Viktor was just clingy, but Yuri demanded that he be so clingy? No, Viktor was definitely clingy all on his own. So why was Yuri demanding it?

“Then you will. I love you. Sweet dreams, Yuri. Sweet dreams, Yura. You stay right here too. If Yuri has to chase you down in the middle of the night, I’ll tie you to the bed.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll stay.”


	8. Chapter 8

I woke up with the distinct discomfort of having someone staring at me. Viktor had his stupid grin on his face with his phone in his hand snapping pictures of me.

“What the-”

“Shh… Don’t wake him.” I looked over to Yuri asleep in my fucking arms. And oh, fuck. My fucking morning wood was pressed against his leg. Yeah. Don’t fucking wake him up. Did Viktor know? Fuck. “I knew you were a cuddler.”

“Shut up!” I whispered with as much force as I could. He just laughed. Yuri sighed and turned over wrapping his arms around me. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. I got even harder and turned bright red as Viktor laughed harder and snapped more photos.

“So adorable!”

“It’s not adorable! Fucking stop laughing and help me!”

“What’s the problem? It’s just a hug. Calm down.”

No, it’s not just a hug. It’s just me trying not to fucking hump your fucking sexy fiancé in front of you! God, he feels even better than I imagined. And he smells so good. My hips pressed a little tighter to his. “Viktor, it’s morning!” I sounded like I was about to cry. Maybe I was.

“Uh, yeah, that’s when most people wake up.”

“No, I mean… it’s morning!”

“Huh? Oh! Oh, um. You or him?"

"Me!"

"Just carefully pull back. Try to keep him asleep.” He grabbed Yuri's arm and tried to lift it from me and I started slipping out of his arms but he gripped me tight and I couldn’t move anymore. Yuri started stirring and sighing, pressing his body to mine and holding me even tighter. My dick was throbbing now and if I didn’t get away soon, I was going to be in serious trouble. I tried pulling away again. “Mmm… Vitya. Where are you going?” He pulled me back in and kissed me. Oh my god. Yuri kissed me!

“Yuri? Yuri, my love. I’m over here.” Viktor tugged at his arm to try to get him to release me. Yuri nodded and kissed me again, slipping his tongue into my mouth. Fuck, he’s hot. My body felt like it was boiling. “Yuri, that’s not me that you’re kissing.”

Yuri’s face wrinkled up as he tried to figure out what was going on. He opened his eyes and blinked a few times then shoved me back as hard as he could and shot up in the bed. “Oh my god! Oh my god! I am so fucking sorry! Oh my god! I’m so so sorry, Yura! Please forgive me.” He started bowing like crazy. I was afraid he’d give himself a concussion.

“It’s… it’s fine. Just stop bowing.”

He didn’t stop. “Oh my god. I am so sorry to both of you. I swear I thought you were Viktor. I’m so so sorry.”

Viktor grabbed his shoulders. “Calm down, love. It’s okay. We know it was an accident. You said my name just before you kissed him.”

“I kissed him... Oh god.” His face turned red and he burst into tears.

Viktor wrapped his arms around him. “It’s okay, my love. It was an accident. You're okay, right, Yura? You're not traumatized over there?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Just stop crying. That’s the only thing that’s traumatizing me.”

“Yeah, he didn’t look like he minded it much.” Viktor winked at me. “He’s a great kisser, huh? Was that your first kiss?”

“No!”

“Oh, really? Who did you kiss?”

“Shut up, old man, and make him stop crying!”

“He’ll stop in a minute.”

“Why didn’t you stop me?” His voice shook with his sobs.

“I didn’t realize you were going to kiss him. I stopped you as soon as you did. Just calm down. Everything is fine. Yura’s not mad. Neither am I. Hey, Yura, can you give us a minute?”

“Um…”

“It’s fine. If you just go down the hall to Yuri’s room no one should see you.”

I nodded and held my hands in front of me as I put my slippers on and ran quietly across the hall. I locked the door and ripped my pants off sending Potya scurrying under the bed as I flopped on to it with my dick gripped in my hand. Sorry, Viktor. I can’t stop this time.

I went back down the hall and was about to knock, but I heard noises that made me stop with my hand frozen in the air. I pressed my ear to the door with my heart racing as muffled sounds flooded my body.

“Oh, Yuri! Yuri! Don’t stop. So fucking good. So amazing, Yuri! Harder! Please, harder!” Seriously? He kicked me out so he could fuck him? “Yuri! Oh, god!”

I heard the smack of a hand on flesh from all the way out here. “What do you think you’re doing using someone else’s name? You’re mine. You belong to me. Do you understand or do you need me to teach you?” I thought his pole dance was the hottest thing in the world. His voice right now was his pole dance times a thousand suns. It had the perfect mix of growling dominance with just a hint of playfulness that warmed the edges of his tone.

“Oh, fuck! You’re so fucking hot, Yuri. Please teach me again. I’m such a forgetful man.”

“How dare you forget that you belong to me?” Smacking flesh drew out deep moans from Viktor. “You’re mine. You gave yourself to me and now I can do whatever I want to you. And I’m not feeling very gentle right now. You sat back and watched as I kissed someone else. You let me embarrass myself. You must not want me that badly if you let me give my body to another.”

“No! I swear I want you more than anything in the world! You’re mine, Yuri. I hated seeing you kiss him. You’re all mine and I don’t want to share any of you.” They were fighting through sex? It didn’t sound like much of a fight though. More like… using it as an excuse for Yuri to show off his strength which Viktor obviously found as hot as I did.

Another loud smack grabbed a gasp and a moan from Viktor. “That better be the truth coming out of your lips right now.”

“Yes! I swear it, Yuri! I’m a jealous man. You can trust me to keep you all to myself. I was just trying not to embarrass you both. If I'd known you were going to kiss him, I'd have just woken you up.”

“I want you. Only you. And you promised anything I want, right?”

“Yes! Anything!”

“Then never let me taste anyone’s lips but yours again.”

“Yes! I swear! I will do anything it takes to keep that promise. Please, Yuri! I’ve learned my lesson! Please let me cum. I’m dying.”

“No, you’re not. I’ve made you wait longer than this.”

“Please, Yuri. Please. You’re so fucking hot.”

“Hmm… No. You can still talk clearly. I’m going to strip that silver tongue from your mouth before I’m satisfied. I want all of your messy love. You don’t get to cum until you can’t even say my name anymore. And don’t you dare cheat, Vitya.” A soft lilt to Yuri’s voice brought the sexy smile I knew he must be giving him all the way out here.

“What happens if I cheat?” Viktor sounded excited.

“Barcelona.”

“Yuri! I nearly died! I’m too old to handle cumming that many times, Yuri.”

“Oh, stop that. You’re not old. You have many many more years of being fucked senseless by me. But I guess you have a choice to make, Vitya. I’m going to satisfy myself by breaking you down to nothing but the rawest Viktor one way or another. It’s up to you which way it happens.”

“Fuck, Yuri! Yuri! Please, Yuri. Yuri!” Deep moans slipped out between his chants of Yuri’s name.

“Ah, Viten’ka. You feel so good. So perfectly mine.” His gasping breath, words so gentle drifting out of it, made my entire body lurch. “My beautiful Viten’ka, let me see you fall apart in my hands.”

Holy fuck. I need to get out of here before someone comes down the hall and catches me listening to them. I dove back into Yuri’s room and went at it harder than I had before. I’m never getting over him at this rate.

 

I didn’t dare go to their door again. Instead, I went into the kitchen to see if Mari needed help. Hiroko was leaning over the stove. “Oh, uh, hi. I was just coming to see if Mari wanted any help in the kitchen.”

“Oh, Yura-chan, good morning. Did you sleep well?”

“Um. Yeah. I did.”

“Mari’s out cleaning the onsen right now. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind help with that or you’re welcome to help me if you like. You made excellent udon yesterday.”

“Uh, thanks. I guess I’ll help you if you don’t mind. I’d rather cook than clean.”

“Really? I like cooking, but it gets so hot in here and my old body can’t take it much anymore so I prefer cleaning, but I’m also getting too old to scrub down the onsen.” She laughed. “I’m just getting too old for everything. Come, come. Join me. I was just getting started.”

I stepped into the kitchen and put on the apron she handed me. “What are we making?”

“Oh, just some simple fish and rice and miso. I just put the rice on. Do you think you can handle grilling the fish?”

“Sure.”

“Oh, good. I’ll take care of the vegetables then. The fish is already prepared for the grill so you just have to put it on.”

“Okay.” I turned the burners on under the grill and let it get hot. “You said something about miso? Should I start that while I wait for this to get hot?”

“Sure. First we need to make dashi.”

“I think I can do that. Mari showed me yesterday. It seemed easy enough.”

“Good. Go ahead then.” She smiled the same soft smile both Yuri and Mari had. I pulled down the pot and filled it then grabbed the paper from the pantry. I dropped the green paper, konbu, in and turned up the heat then went back to check the grill. “You Russian boys are all so sweet and helpful. Do you help your mom cook a lot at home?”

“No. She doesn’t cook. I do the cooking at home.”

“Oh. So young to take on that responsibility.”

“Yeah, well my grandpa taught me how to cook when I was little and I like cooking with him.”

“Oh? You’re close with your grandpa? That’s nice.”

“Yeah, he’s a good man.” I threw the pieces of fish on the grill and went back to check the dashi. “He works hard to support us. He has me and my mom to support and my uncle and his four kids. I get some money from my skating, but not enough for him to retire yet.”

“Wow, so he’s the only adult working? What about his children?”

“My mom’s… sick. And my uncle’s wife died of cancer a long time ago and he was in an accident at work a few years ago and he broke his neck. He’s paralyzed now.” I pulled out the konbu and added the bonito flakes then grabbed the tongs to flip the fish.

“Oh, how awful. Okay, let’s strain the dashi and add the miso.” She poured the stock into a fresh pot and swirled in a tan paste then added some white cubes, mushrooms, and small pieces of seaweed. We plated everything up and brought it out to the table where Yuri’s dad and Mari were waiting.

I was just putting down the last bowl when Yuri and Viktor came out looking fresh and clean. My face burned red when I caught Yuri’s eye and I looked back at the mats with my neck on fire. Yuri dropped down on the ground in front of me and started bowing again. “I am so sorry again, Yura. I didn’t apologize properly before so I’m sorry for that too. I was just in shock. I’ll never let it happen again.”

“It’s fine. Just get up. Stop apologizing already.” My face went even brighter thinking of all the endless things I should be apologizing to him and Viktor for.

“What did you do, Yuri-chan?” His dad asked.

Yuri stopped bowing, but stayed on his knees with his face red. Must you really? “I… um… mistook him for Viktor this morning.”

Mari burst out laughing while his dad looked still confused. “What does that mean?”

“Ugh! I kissed him, Otousan!”

He started laughing too and he and Mari looked at each other and started laughing harder. “What’s going on out here?” Hiroko asked while carrying out a tray of tea and coffee. I grabbed it from her just to have something to do.

“Yuri-chan thought Yurio-chan was Vikchan and kissed him!” His dad laughed even harder, holding his round belly.

She started giggling. “Oh, poor boys. Sit, eat. It will all be forgotten.” Yes, please.

“It was quite a kiss too. If it wasn’t meant for me, I would have gotten more than a little jealous.”

“Viktor!” Yuri shoved his shoulder as he moved over and sat down as close to him as he could get. I didn’t know if my face still had a shape or if it had just melted into pure red. I really shouldn’t have listened. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to look at them again.

“Hmm… I wonder if I’m going to have to fight Yurochka now for Yuri’s affections. He is so addictive, I don’t know how he could have a kiss from him and not want more.” No. There’s no way that he knows. The redness vanished from my face as I went sickly pale.

“Ew! No! Gross!” World’s biggest asshole and world’s biggest liar. I gagged just to rub the lie in extra good.

“Viktor! I am so sorry, Yura. Good news is you won’t have to sleep with us again. I’ll stop bothering you now, but please let me know if you get any headaches, dizziness, nausea, or ringing in your ears, okay?” I nodded and caught a bite of fish in my mouth before it fell from the chopsticks. After a few bites, I forced myself to look at him again normally. He had dark circles under his eyes and he ate in a daze of half-sleep. I poured a cup of coffee and handed it to him. He startled then he relaxed and smiled as he took it. “Thank you.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“You have any more sweet Russian boys you want to bring home, Vikchan? I like this one.” Hiroko said. “I will gladly take a hundred more just like him.”

“Huh?” Viktor, Yuri, and I all said.

“He’s so helpful in the kitchen and he’s just a sweetheart. This fish is even better than I make it.”

“I agree. I’ll trade Yuri if I can have more Yurios.” Mari stuck her tongue out at Yuri and pulled down her eyelid who replied the same.

“Let me just tell you all, this is not the boy I brought from Russia. I think you all have something in the water here. Or maybe there’s nothing in the water. Maybe that’s what’s helping.”

“Are you talking nonsense again, Vikchan?” Mari asked.

“He’s not.” I muttered as I popped another bite of fish into my mouth. Yuri glanced over then back again just as quickly.

We finished eating and Viktor got up to help bring the plates in to the kitchen. “Go get ready. We’re going to the beach to talk.”

“Huh? Aren’t we skating?”

“Nope. You still shouldn’t be skating and I need to talk to you. Mari, you’ll keep an eye on Viktor for me?” She nodded.

“He needs a babysitter?”

“No. He needs people who love him watching out for him. Go on.” The last thing I wanted to do was be alone with Yuri right now, but he was using his don’t fuck with me voice so I obeyed.

We walked down to the beach in silence with Yuri stopping to check for cars thoroughly with his hand on my chest before crossing each intersection. We sat down on a piece of driftwood and I waited for him to start talking. “I thought you should know what’s going on so that you’re not so confused and so that you don’t accidentally make things worse again.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break him yesterday.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s not your fault that you can cut him so deeply.” He pulled out his phone and opened up an old, scanned in photo. It was a boy about my age who looked almost exactly like me. His hair was a bit darker and shorter, but his eyes were nearly identical to mine if mine ever looked happy. I see someone in your eyes. Something started gnawing in my stomach.

“Who is that?”

“Alexei. Viktor’s brother.”

“Viktor has a brother? I didn’t know that.” I didn’t like where this was going.

“His birthday is tomorrow.” Yuri dropped the phone in his lap and stared at the waves. “And the anniversary of his death was about six weeks ago.”

“His… death?”

“This is a really rough time for Viktor. It has been for the last seventeen years. It will be for the rest of his life. Alexei wasn’t just his brother; he was his only real family until me. I would include you, but you made it a point to reject him at every turn. He was your family, but you were not his.” I opened my mouth to speak, but tears came out instead. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just saying the truth.”

I nodded.

“Viktor and his parents never got along. They didn’t understand him. They thought that he was just an airhead as most people do because he expresses himself so differently. His messages rarely get across anywhere but on the ice. Unfortunately, his parents thought that was worthless too and so they just rejected him entirely and gave all of their love and praise to Alexei.

Alexei understood him though. He loved him and protected him. He went against his parents exactly once and that was to force them to let Viktor skate. Alexei was everything to Viktor.” Yuri started crying too and clenched his hands around his phone. “I’m so sorry I never got to meet him to say thank you. If it weren’t for him living, I would have never known of Viktor. If it weren’t for him dying, we would have never fallen in love. His free skate last year was done for Alexei. The song in his program was the one Alexei was listening to when he died. He had been listening to a cassette tape of songs to help Viktor choose the right song for his first competition. He was walking home from school listening to that tape and reading a book so he wouldn’t fall behind in his studies. He stepped into the street and didn’t hear the driver honking. He was killed instantly and the Walkman stopped playing on the song he had been listening to. Viktor held on to that song for years waiting until he was good enough to do a performance to it that he would feel proud of as his tribute to his brother. That performance is how we met and why he decided to have me be his coach.

I know you had no idea about any of this, and I’m really not trying to make you feel bad, but over the past five years, Viktor has watched over you. He has loved you and protected you, not just because he sees Alexei in you, but because he loves you as a person. And every single time you rejected him, he was getting rejected by both his beloved brother Yurochka and by his beloved brother Alexei. Every time your eyes looked at him with hate or annoyance or anger, Alexei’s eyes did too. Alexei as a person never rejected Viktor. Not once. That was his parents’ job to inflict that wound. But in you, he got to experience rejection through the eyes of two people he loves dearly.

And then yesterday… I don’t have the right words to express what you did to him yesterday, but I think you get the idea now. There was not a worse thing you could have said in that moment.”

I was sobbing so hard, I couldn’t sit upright. Yuri put his arms around me and held me tight to him. “I know you didn’t mean to. It’s not your fault that you look like him and it’s not your fault that you didn’t know. I’m sorry for getting so mad at you yesterday. I was just so worried about him.”

“It… it was my fault that I… hurt him for so long.”

“I’m certain that you have your own reasons for rejecting people and that those are beyond your control right now. I don’t think you’re someone who wants to reject anyone at all. I think you have a lot of pain that comes out as anger and you’re too young still to know how to manage it properly. Viktor never blamed you for feeling hurt by your rejection. He understood that his response carried the weight of his own issues. I think you could learn a lot from him. You have no idea how incredibly lucky you are to have someone like him who cares for you. I’ve never met anyone with more love to give than that man.”

“I do know how lucky I was. I realized it the minute he said he was leaving me.”

“Oh, Yura.” He winced and kissed my forehead. “I’m so sorry. He really didn’t want to leave you. It would have been cruel to Yakov to stay at the rink with me as his coach instead but he really hated leaving you. Can I ask you something?” I nodded. “Why did you hug him that night? Why then?”

“I… I was… I had realized that I didn’t need clear ice. Just good ice. Ice like Viktor made. Annoyingly scratched up, but still safe and solid and… kind of beautiful with his stories written on it.”

He smiled. “You should tell him that. I know for a fact that would be the best thing he could hear.”

“I… can’t.”

“Why not? You can be nice to me and my mom and my sister, but not to him?”

“I don’t deserve being nice to him.”

“What’s that mean? Isn’t it that he deserves you being nice to him?”

“When he left I told him that I never wanted to speak to him again. I hurt him again and again. I do things I’m not supposed to. Say things I’m not supposed to. Want things I’m not supposed to. I’m the world’s biggest asshole and I know that if I just said I was sorry and talked to him, he’d forgive me for everything and I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I have to earn it. I have to beat him on the ice before I can talk to him.”

“Hold on. Give me a minute to process what you said.” He closed his eyes and pushed his glasses up then let them fall back down. “You have to beat him before you can talk to him? Can you explain that?”

“I promised him that the next time I talked to him would be when I kicked his ass on the ice. Of course he messed that up by dragging me here, but I still don’t deserve to have him forgive me yet. The only way I can think to prove that I’m better than me is to beat him.”

“Yura… that’s some twisted thinking there. You don’t ever deserve forgiveness. No one does. If we ever deserved to have someone forgive us for hurting them, we’d have a right to get angry if they refused, but that’s not right, is it?” I shook my head. “We ask forgiveness and humble ourselves knowing that we don’t deserve it. If the person we’re asking forgiveness from gives it, the only right thing to do is to honor it as a gift. That’s what it is. A gift. And what you’re doing is only hurting both of you more. If you want to earn his forgiveness, the best way to do it is to ask for it and work on making yourself worthy of the gift he has given you.”

“But I don’t deserve to have him love me. I’m such an asshole. You don’t even know how bad I am.”

“You don’t get to decide what Viktor feels. He loves you and if you feel guilty about something you’ve done, confess it to him. He deserves to either love you honestly or decide that you’re not someone he wants to waste his heart on.”

“… What if he hates me when I confess?”

“So, you’re trying to hold on to his love with dishonesty while also rejecting him because you don’t feel like you deserve it? That’s actually really low. He deserves so much more than that. I highly doubt that whatever it is that you feel you’ve done wrong is enough to make him stop loving you, but he deserves to make that choice himself.”

“I… I’m too pathetic to do it.”

“Then I’ll stop you from hurting him like this any way that I have to. I’m not going to watch you inflict these wounds over and over. What I want is for you to confess anything you have to confess, ask his forgiveness, and then love him properly. I think that will make both of you the happiest. But if I have to, I’ll remove you from his life. I love him too much to let him suffer like that. I realize that you have some issues you need to work out that may stop you from doing that for a while, and I’m actually going to ask you not to confess anything this week, so just take your time and work though them, but in the meantime, at least stop cutting him. His life may very well depend on it.”

“What do you mean?”

“He blames himself for Alexei’s death. Not entirely, he’d worked through that one before I met him, but the thought that if he had heard the car he might have gotten out of the way still lingers. You drove that home yesterday. He was both a part of the reason you got hurt and you did in fact hear the car and lived.”

“So, it would have been better if I died?”

“No! Not at all! Have you been listening to this conversation at all?! I swear to god, if you ever get killed by a car I will bring you back from the dead just so I can kill you myself in the slowest and most painful way possible. Seriously, what the fuck, Yura?” He pressed his hand to his forehead and shook his head. “I’m just saying that now he has clear evidence that without headphones, his brother might have lived. That blame has reopened and he needs to work through it again.

His parents told him multiple times that they wished it had been him instead of Alexei. When he’s feeling particularly bad about it… He’s gone out into the street with his eyes closed tempting fate to take him several times over the years.” He started sobbing and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do so I tried putting my arm around him as he liked to do. He leaned into me and it took him a while before he could continue. “I found him lying in the middle of a dark street at night on the anniversary of his death just a few weeks ago. We’d gotten into a fight and I left the house to cool off. I didn’t know just how much I risked by doing that. It still makes me sick to think about it. When I came back and he was gone I was so worried. My family all said he seemed fine and that he just wanted to go for a walk. They told me to wait and that he’d be back soon. I’m so glad I didn’t. I saw him just as a truck shined its headlights on him and I jumped out to stop it. He got so mad at me for that. He said I would have absolutely killed us both even if I managed to save him in the moment. I told him that I didn’t care and that if he ever… the first thing I’d do is jump in front of the first truck I see.”

“You wouldn’t really-”

“I absolutely would. My life is tied to his. If he wants to keep me alive, he has to keep himself alive. That’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now. I’m so worried he’ll try it again with everything that’s happened. So, please, just be nice to him for right now. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to confess. In the meantime, if there’s anything I can do to help you work through your issues, I’d be happy to. Or talk to him. Let him help you work through them. I know you have some that have nothing to do with him. Let him help you with those. Or my sister or my mom. Or anyone. I don’t care. Just work through them for your sake and his.”

“I’m sorry, Yuri. I had no idea. He’s always so…”

“Happy?”

I nodded.

“Yeah. That’s partly truth and partly an act. He is a genuinely bubbly person, but the fact that that’s pretty much all you ever see is a result of his fucking parents.”

“You still don’t like them?”

“Still?”

“I… saw you at Worlds. I kinda figured out that you were yelling at his parents and got them to apologize… I cheered you on. I figured that if someone quiet like you was so angry in public it had to be for a good reason.”

He smiled. “Yeah, I was so angry at them. I still am. I kinda lied about not holding grudges. If it’s something like what they did to him... I’m not capable of forgiving that. He’s forgiven them more than I have.”

“So he’s been alone for most of his life?”

“For the most part, yeah.”

“He looks like he has it so easy.” The seagulls above us squawked at each other then dropped onto the sand to peck at whatever food they had found.

“It takes a strong person to carry a life like that and still be filled with love and joy. That’s all I ever did as his coach. I reminded him of his own strength.”

“Does he know that you were going to tell me or should I keep it a secret that I know?”

“I don’t keep secrets from him. He knows. He was hesitant because he didn’t want to burden you with his troubles, but I think you’re old enough to start growing up especially if you remaining ignorant is such a powerful weapon. I love him more than anything and I’m not kidding when I said that I will do what it takes to protect him.”

“I know.”

“By the way, you’re not the world’s biggest asshole. Not by a long shot. You’re just a regular old asshole like the rest of us. Sometimes you mess up. Sometimes it’s on purpose. Sometimes it’s on accident. And sometimes it makes us better people when we’re good enough to realize it when we mess up and want to not do it again. What you really are is a hurt boy looking to relieve that any way you can. Love is the most powerful cure for pain and you have a huge, huggable, untapped source. He’s dying for you to come to him and open up to him. He wants to help you. He’s an incredibly generous man and that’s how he shows his love the best. Let him help you and you both will benefit.” No, pretty sure I’m thoroughly an asshole and I don’t deserve his help. “Is there anything you want to talk to me about while we’re here?”

Yeah, any chance you can tell me how to stop wanting you? “No.”

“Let me know if that ever changes. I want you and Viktor to have a good relationship and I’m willing to help you in any way. You have the power to hurt him, but you also have the power to give him something no one else can. Let’s head back.” I nodded and he stood up and helped me to my feet.

We got back to the house where Yuri kicked off his shoes and ran for Viktor. They hugged like they had been separated for months instead of less than an hour. I changed into the slippers and stood awkwardly waiting for them to finish. Viktor looked up at me and let Yuri go then stood stiffly rubbing at his arms.

“Um. So… I-”

I lunged at him and slammed into his unmovable body, holding him tight and sobbing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s okay, Yurochka.”

“No, it’s not! I’m the worst! I hurt you so much! I’m so sorry! I didn’t think about you at all. Just myself.” I’m no different from her at all. She spews her pain everywhere and into everyone. Selfish. Selfish asshole.

“It’s okay. Don’t cry, Yurochka. Yuri… what exactly did you tell him?”

“The truth.”

“You couldn’t have cushioned it a little? He’s so upset.”

“Good. He should be.”

“You can be so mean sometimes.”

“I know. And that’s why I insisted that I tell him instead of you. You wouldn’t have told him the truth and both of you needed it.”

“Don’t… get mad… at him. He’s right. I hurt you so much. Don’t lie. Tell me. Tell me how it felt when I rejected you.” I looked up at him and he winced.

“I can’t. It felt like something I can only describe through an experience you wouldn’t know.”

“Tell me.”

He got that weird spacey look that he had yesterday at the rink and he looked out past my head, looking at nothing. “It felt like the moment when my dad told me Alexei had died. The pain is instant because you know they wouldn’t lie about something like that but there’s shock too to numb you. It’s more like an echo of pain if the echo can come before the noise. My dad had the noise, I had just the echo. I smiled and hugged him and told him that it would be okay. That it wouldn’t hurt for long. Of course that was the wrong thing to say. I know that now but I was just trying to make him feel better. He shoved me away at looked at me with such hatred. He said I never loved him, that I was too selfish and stupid to love anyone. That was when the real pain hit. When I realized that the only person who loved me was gone and I had no one.” He shook his head and looked back down at me, cringing away from the truth.

“When you reject me, sometimes it feels like the echo and sometimes it feels like the noise. That time when you dumped me on the floor was the worst. It was right before my first performance for him and I usually tried to remember that I was hugging you, not him, but I let myself forget it for just that one moment. I just wanted to hug my brother again and he shoved me away and dumped me on the floor.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I hugged him with all of the pathetic strength in my arms. “I’m so sorry, Vitya. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay!” I beat my fists into his back which might have been a shitty move except that I didn’t have nearly enough strength to hurt him like that. “Don’t forgive me! You’re not allowed to forgive me yet! I won’t accept that gift yet!”

“But I do forgive you. I know you didn’t mean any of it. It’s not your fault that he died and that I saw him in you.”

“Don’t! You can’t forgive me! Be mad at me! Yell at me! Hurt me like I hurt you!” My fists thumped in rhythm with my words.

“But I don’t want to hurt you. That won’t make the past any better. I just want to be with people I love and who love me in return.”

My fists stilled and grabbed his shirt. I looked up at him, tears covering my eyes and dripping down my cheeks. “I love you, Vitya. I love you like a brother because you are my brother. I thought I wanted clear ice, but I wanted your ice. I love you and I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

“Yurochka… I lo-”

“No! Don’t say it! I don’t deserve to hear you say it!” I tugged at his shirt, pressing my fists into his back.

“But-”

“No! Not yet. I know you do. So many people have told me. You told me every night by skating with me, but I haven’t earned hearing it from you yet. Please let me earn it. Wait until I’ve earned it at least a little.”

“Okay. I won’t say it yet. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘my ice’?”

“I mean that you used to annoy the crap out of me by scratching up the ice. I liked seeing it perfectly clean and whole. The same night I hurt you the most, I started to realize just how much you gave me, how much you cared about me. I realized that your ice, scratched up as it was, was so much better than clear ice. The first night I skated without you there, it was wrong. The ice looked ugly without your writing on it. I’ve been trying to fill it in so it looks right ever since.”

“Oh, Yurochka. I hurt you too. I didn’t want to leave you. It hurt so bad to say goodbye. I’m so-”

“No! Don’t apologize to me! I deserve every bit of hurt you can give me. I don’t want to hear any apologies from you.”

“You don’t deserve any hurt.”

“I do, and don’t you dare apologize to me. I’ll be so angry if you do. I’m so glad you left me for Yuri. He’s the Yuri that deserves you.”

“Yurochka, you deserve my- hmm… can’t say it… my care too. I have more than enough for both of you. Come on, let’s get out of the hallway. Want to join us in the onsen? I think we’ll all feel better after a soak.”

I nodded, rubbing my tears and snot all over his shirt. “Okay.”

Yuri came up next to me and put his hand on my shoulder to lean close to my ear as Viktor led the way. “You handled that very well. I’m sorry I had to hurt you, but I’m glad I did.” I nodded and wiped my face.

We stripped naked and I tossed my slippers into the basket. Yuri walked over to wait for me to let go of the basket I held tight in favor of his hand. It looked so tempting. Warm, strong, safe. I shook my head and tried to take a step on my own. My throat filled with my heartbeat and I felt like I was going to pass out.

“Don’t push it, Yura. It’s okay to go in stages. Just keep holding my hand until it feels easy.” He stretched his hand closer.

I shook my head. “Vitya?”

He smiled and dropped his hand.

“Huh?”

“Can I… hold your hand?”

“What?” Tears started filling his eyes. “You want… me?” I nodded and he came over and grabbed my hand, quickly wiping the tears away.

“Thank you.”

He squeezed my hand and while it wasn’t quite as warm as Yuri’s was, it felt better without the guilt attached.


	9. Chapter 9

I stared at the group of wide-eyed children and one overgrown chicken next to the ice wondering again who thought it’d be a good idea to leave me alone with them. Oh yeah. Viktor’s. Of course. This horrible idea had Viktor written all over it.

“Uh, so… we’re going to start with a skills assessment to put you guys into the right groups. Have any of you skated before?” About half raised their hands along with the chicken who jumped excitedly as he raised his hand as if I could miss him. “Right. Okay.” Not sure why I asked that. It doesn’t help me any. “So those who have skated before can go out onto the ice and any who want to try it without help can go too. If you want some help, I’ll take you each out one at a time so line up at the door. Do you have any questions before we start?”

The chicken jumped and raised his hand. “Which class is Yuri going to teach?”

“Huh?”

“I mean which skill level is Yuri going to teach?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Because I want to know which skill level I need to be at to train with him.”

“Uh, I don’t think we’ve decided that yet. Maybe talk to Viktor if you really want to work with him?”

“Okay, so I should just do what I’m fully capable of, right?”

“Why would you do any differently?”

“To train with Yuri, duh.” He rolled his eyes like I was so stupid for not getting it. “I have a plan and I need to skate with him.”

“Whatever. Okay, go skate. Just warm up and when I get everyone on the ice we’ll meet up again.” Most of them followed the triplets to the ice and I went to the first little girl in line. She was shaking as she stared at the ice. “Hey, what’s your name?”

“Kaori,” she whispered.

“Hi, Kaori. I’m Coach Yura. Are you scared?” She nodded. “Just take my hand. We can go one step at a time.” I stuck my hand out but she didn’t grab it. “Hey, Kaori, if you’re so scared, why did you get first in line?”

“Huh? Oh. I… I want to skate.” Her voice sounded determined through her fear and she grabbed my hand. “You won’t let me fall?”

“Not while I’m holding you, but I can’t hold you forever. Falling is a part of skating. I’ve fallen thousands of times. If you want to skate, that means you’re going to fall, but it’s not so bad. You’ll see. You look strong enough to handle falling to me. Don’t you think so?” She nodded and let me help her onto the ice. I skated backward pulling her along as she gripped my hands with all sorts of tiny strength.

“Okay. I’m ready to skate now. You can let me go.”

“Already?”

She nodded. “They need your help.” She let go of my hand to point and lost her balance a little but didn’t try to regain her hold on me. She kept pointing until I turned around to look behind me. Several kids were on the ice and didn’t know how to get up.

“Oh, shit. Um, don’t repeat what I just said.” I apparently didn’t think this through very well. Kaori let go of my other hand and stood firm until she rebalanced again. “Okay guys, quick lesson on getting up! Listen closely and watch!” I pushed back to give myself some room and fell onto my ass on the ice. Kaori giggled when I smiled at her. “So, as I was just telling Kaori, falling is part of skating. No one skates without falling so knowing how to get up is pretty important. For those who are already on the ice, both standing up and laying down, get onto your hands and knees like this.” I flipped over and waited for the kids to follow me. Kaori threw herself onto the ice like I had and her eyes popped open when she hit, but then she giggled. “See, not so bad, huh?” She nodded and crawled onto her hands and knees. “Okay, then put one foot up on the ice between your hands like this.” I moved my foot up and waited for the rest to do the same. “And push onto it to jump your other foot up next to it. You can either leave your hands on the ice, or put them on your knee like this.” I moved my hands to my knee and pushed up to bring my other foot up. “Then just carefully stand up. Nice job, everyone! Okay, another quick lesson. If you don’t know how to move on the ice yet, just march around like this.” I took little steps across the ice. “You can keep doing that until I come back to teach more.” I smiled as I watched Kaori march off across the ice ignoring the wall that most beginners loved to cling to. Little kids are kinda cute.

I got the rest of the kids on the ice to march around and fall down. So far, not so bad. Now what do I do with them? “Okay, go stand against the long wall and face me. I’m going to demonstrate a skill and if you think you can do it, or try it, step forward and do so.” I grabbed the clipboard of names and basic skills Yuri had made up. I made a check mark next to marching for every name. “Okay, forward stroking.” I pushed slowly across the ice so they could see. Most of them stepped forward to try it including Kaori who struggled with the first half of the rink, but actually managed some decent pushes by the time she got to the end. “Good. Now come back.” I skated behind them to read the nametags on the ones who were doing it at least halfway decently. I made a check next to Kaori’s name and moved to the next skill.

I moved through all of the basic skills and the chicken had breezed through every one. “Hey, you… Uh, Minami. Come here. You and I are going to keep going with skills. Just stop when I do something you can’t.”

He laughed. “Okay, Junior Yuri. Hey, maybe the better Yuri should take over for you. I don’t think you’re going to make me hit my limit.”

I growled at him and pushed back to set up a triple axel. “Asshole,” I muttered as I flipped away from the ice. I landed and skated back to him. “I skipped a few steps since you seemed so confident.”

He laughed again. “Easy.” He went into a solid triple axel. Damnit. “What else, teach?” We faced off again and again through the rest of the triple jumps and moved into the quads. He landed the quad toe loop and came back, grinning. “Come on, Junior Yuri. Is that all you’ve got?” What is with this annoying chicken? Why the hell is he here? He’s clearly past doing skating camps. He kept looking around the rink, trying to find something.

“I’m not in juniors anymore!” I growled again. I shouldn’t lose my temper, but we know all about me and things I shouldn’t do.

“You haven’t done a single seniors event yet, so you’re still a junior, Junior Yuri.”

“Argh! Watch closely.” I set up my quad flip and cleared my ice to breathe through it. My skate cut across the ice and I grinned. “Come on, Chicken. Let’s see it.”

“Chicken? I’m not scared!”

“I’m talking about your stupid hair. Seriously? What is that? You look like a chicken.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“No, I’m still waiting for you to blow me away with your quad flip.”

“I… can’t do it.”

“Oh? What was that? I don’t think I heard you.”

“I can’t do a quad flip, okay? Not even the better Yuri can.”

“Shows how much you know.”

“What?! He can land the quad flip now?! You’re kidding!” He lunged at me and grabbed my shirt. “When did he learn it? Viktor taught him, right? Is he going to show us before he debuts it at competition?!”

“Woah! Let go of me, Chicken, and calm the fuck down! Oh, shit. Damn it! Kids, don’t repeat what I just said!”

“What aren’t we supposed to say, fuck?” One older boy in the group said with that annoying defiant tone that was obviously a warning for what’s to come.

“Yes! No! I mean don’t say it! It’s a bad word!”

“Why did you say it then?”

“Because I have a bad mouth! Get off of me, Chicken!” I pushed him back.

“What about shit and damn it? Are we not supposed to say those too?” The little smart ass from before said.

“Yes! Stop saying anything I said in that sentence! You’re too little to use those words!”

“You’re not that much older than me.” He got most of the little kids to chant curses along with him.

“Just stop it! Viktor!” I shouted as loud as I could. Seriously, why did the dumbass think it’s a good idea to leave me alone with children?! “Viktor! Help! Yuri! Yuri! Help me! Viktor’s ideas!”

“Yuri’s here?! Where?! Tell me where he is!” The chicken grabbed my shirt again and almost knocked me down.

“Get off of me! Come on, Yuri! I know you’re hiding somewhere! I know you don’t trust me! And for good reason! Come on, Yuri! There’s no way you left me unsupervised!” Viktor and Yuri both fell through the door laughing, rolling on the ice and clutching their sides as Makkachin barked and jumped on their legs. The chicken shoved me away making me fall on my ass as he skated over to Yuri. They laughed even harder, wiping tears from each other’s faces. “Argh! You jerks!”

Kaori skated away from the cursing children and over to me on her wobbly blades. “You’re amazing! Can I learn to skate like you?”

“I don’t know.” I smiled. “Are you strong?” She nodded. “Are you tough?”

“I think so.”

“Do you know how to get up when you fall?” She flopped onto the ice and we stood back up together. “Then, yeah. I think you’ll make a great skater.” She giggled and blushed and ducked her head to the ice. “Eyes up, Kaori.” I bent down to reach under her chin and lift her eyes back up. “That’s better. You want to watch where you’re going and you have pretty eyes. You don’t want to hide them.”

“Alright. The next person who uses bad words gets to do a hundred jumping jacks!” Yuri was finally off the ice and taking control of the children. “That includes you, Yura! Actually, you’ll get Yakov’s suicide drills!”

I gasped. “You traitor! How would he know about those?” I pointed an accusing finger at Viktor.

“Oh, I made him do them every day when we were in in-season training.”

“Every day?! What kind of monster are you? I thought you loved him.”

“He makes them look easy. It’s impressive. He can kick our asses any time.”

“Viktor! Twenty for you!”

“Twenty?!”

“Ten for swearing and ten for making me do them for your own amusement.”

“But-”

“Consider yourself lucky I’m only giving you twenty. Get going.” Viktor sighed and started sprinting across the rink, stopping at each end to do five straight jumps and landing on his pick so he didn’t slide. “Hand me the clipboard, Yura.” He looked over the skills and then stopped to smile at me. “You actually were doing a great job until the end. You let your frustration get the better of you and you lost control.”

“You think? So, what’s up with the chicken? Why’s he here?”

“Huh?” He looked around and then settled on the chicken gaping at him from a few feet away and giggled. “He does look like a chicken, doesn’t he? Don’t repeat that I said that. And I don’t know. It doesn’t matter though. We didn’t set any kind of limits so if he wants to skate, then he can skate. Viktor! Go faster! I need you back over here!”

“Yuri!”

“Davai, old man! I’m so going to kick your ass this year if that’s the best you’ve got!”

“Go join him, Yura. Ten for you.”

My face contorted into indignation before I skated over to join Viktor. He started laughing. “What did you say?”

“Ass.”

“He’s so mean. That barely counts as a swear. Come on, let’s race.” He pushed out harder despite his obvious exhaustion and I had to give him props for his determination.

“Hey, that chicken looking kid?” I pointed and Viktor nodded. “He’s in love with Yuri.” Hypocrite. But at least I knew I wasn’t going to act on it. Chicken was currently looking at Yuri like he wanted to jump him right there and apparently he had some plan to seduce him or something.

“I noticed. I know what being in love with Yuri looks like.” He looked over and smiled. It’s a good thing my face was already red. He couldn’t know. I wasn’t obvious like that shithead, was I? I looked over again and could practically see the drool dripping onto the ice. No. I wasn’t that bad. But was I bad enough? “I can’t say I blame him. He is the hottest man on the planet. Even more so because he sometimes lets you forget it and think that he’s just your average quiet, shy man. And then when your defenses are down, he launches a full-on assault that leaves you crippled and begging for mercy. Ugh. So. Fucking. Hot.”

“I won’t tell him you said that.”

“Please don’t. I might die. He forgets how old I am sometimes. He can knock out twenty of these without even getting out of breath. Okay, maybe he’s a little out of breath, but still, his stamina is so hot.”

“Don’t you mean impressive?”

“I know what I said.”

“Ew! I don’t want to think about you doing that!” Fucking liar.

“Hey, if you guys can talk so easily, you’re not going fast enough.” We both nearly jumped out of our skin at Yuri’s voice so close behind us. “I can’t be the only adult here. There’s too many of them.”

Viktor started laughing. “They’re getting the better of you too, huh?”

“The triplets. They know me too well to have any respect for me. They’re gaining followers.”

Viktor and I both laughed. “Let us quit and we’ll come help. I promise to make up my punishment to you later, my love.”

“Ew! I’m right here!”

“Don’t worry, Yura. I’ll make up yours too so you don’t have to worry about it.”

“You’re so generous.” I rolled my eyes.

“I know, right?”

“Fine, but you better make it amazing.”

We both slid to a stop and collapsed on the ice. “I’ll do anything you ask. Or…” He climbed up off the ice and gave Yuri a predatory smile as he leaned over him. “It’s been a while since I’ve had you under me. And I’m feeling a bit… hungry.”

“Ugh! Children! Children literally everywhere!” I scrambled up off the ice and started to skate away but Yuri called me back.

“Sorry, we’ll stop flirting.”

“That’s not flirting! That’s freaking humping each other with your eyes.”

Yuri blushed just a little then combed his hair back with his fingers. “So, we need to decide how to split these guys up.”

“I was thinking of doing it by skill set, but we have some interesting dynamics going on.” Viktor glanced at the chicken. “Can I split them how I think it’ll work best?”

“That’s fine. What are you thinking?”

“Hmm… maybe more personality based. Do either of you have any requests?”

He handed Yuri the chart to look over.

“I want Kaori.”

“Yura wants someone?” Viktor put his hand over his heart. “You… bonded with one of them already?”

“Shut up, old man.” We skated back to the clamoring children that the triplets looked like they were organizing into some form of gang.

“Hello, children! I’m Viktor Nikiforov. It’s so nice to meet all of you. This handsome, talented man is my fiancé and this year’s Worlds and Grand Prix silver medalist, Yuri Katsuki.” Yuri bowed, blushing slightly.

“You’re marrying a boy?” The smartass piped in.

“Yes, I am. Aren’t I so lucky?”

“It’s weird.”

“It’s love. Love isn’t weird.”

“Stop being rude, Oniichan, or I’ll tell Okaachan that you were saying bad words and ignoring your teacher.” Kaori stomped her skate into the ice. They were related? Strange. The smartass shut his mouth. Davai, Kaori. I like her even more now. I gave her a smile and she lifted her chin to return it. Yeah, that’s fuckin’ adorable.

Viktor glanced over at me with a smile. “This boy who you all met is on the verge of becoming skating’s next big star and he is this year’s Junior World and Junior Grand Prix Champion, Yuri Plisetsky.” I waved. “Okay, so I’m going to split you up into groups, but before I do, do any of you have any requests for who you’d like for your coach? I can’t guarantee that you’ll be put with them, but I’ll do my best.”

“Yuri! Yuri! I want Yuri!” The chicken jumped up and down waving his hands in the air. “Please let me train with Yuri!”

Viktor smiled. “Okay, since you asked so enthusiastically, you can train with Yuri.”

“Yes!” He jumped into the air pumping his fist.

“Anyone else?”

“I want Coach Yura.” Kaori pointed to me and my heart churned just a little. Yeah, okay. Being wanted feels pretty damn good. A few others made their requests which Viktor jotted down. His pen scratched at the paper as he organized them into groups. After a few minutes, he nodded at the paper and looked back up.

“Okay, group one kids will go stand over there, group two in the middle here, and group three at the far end. When I call your name, go to the number I’ve assigned you.” He started reading down the list. Wait, why were the chicken and Kaori in the same group? Was he screwing me over or… Oh. He was screwing him over. “Okay, group one is with Yuri Katsuki, group two is with me, and group three is with Yuri Plisetsky, though we usually call him Yura or Yurochka for less confusion.” Great. His master ‘screw him over’ plan involved screwing me over too. Not that I could complain, but did I really have to get stuck with the chicken?

“Wait, what?! You said I could train with Yuri!” The chicken’s voice screeched much like, well, like a strangled chicken.

“Yeah, you’re in Yuri’s group, but can you call him Yura? It makes it so much easier.”

“But- I- But- I meant Katsuki Yuri!”

“Ooh!” He played perfect innocence. “I’m sorry. I thought you meant Yuri Plisetsky.”

“Why would I want to train with a junior when I’m in seniors?”

“Yuri’s in seniors now too. And how many World Championships have you won?”

“Please can you put me in Katsuki’s group?” He put his hands together in front of him, begging with pure desperation.

“Sorry, assignments are final.”

He squawked nearly silently with only little squeaks eking out. “But you just made them up!”

“Sorry, nothing I can do. Don’t worry, I know that Yura has a lot to teach you.” He glanced at the traumatized Nishigori triplets who stood further apart from each other than they had likely ever been in their lives, too stunned to complain over being in separate groups.

I skated over to Viktor before meeting my group. “Well played, Vitya. But did I really have to get stuck with him? He’s so annoying!”

He grinned, thoroughly satisfied with himself. “I think it’ll be perfect.”

I skated over to my group where Kaori smiled and waved at me. “I hope it’s okay that I asked for you.” She wanted to look down, but she held her chin up instead and locked her pretty brown eyes on mine. Yep, totally fucking adorable.

“Of course it’s okay. I asked for you too.” She smiled back at me with unrestrained joy.

“Is that why I got stuck with you? Did you ask for me just to mess with me?” The chicken glared and I tried not to smile. Angry chickens look pretty funny.

“Nope. I’m just as ticked off as you are. You got stuck with me because you have absolutely zero chill.”

“Huh?”

“Seriously? You do realize that was his fiancé you were drooling all over, don’t you? You couldn’t have tried for a hint of subtlety? There’s no way you’re getting Yuri so give it up now.” I took a second to think about my plan. “Okay, so we have different skill levels here. I’m going to go through and give you your own drills to work through. Just keep at them until I tell you to change. Kaori, Airi, and Hajime over here. Kaori did a great job at forward stroking so you other two watch her if you need help. What you want to do is turn your toes out and push off of the inside of your blade. That’s called the inside edge. So, turn out, push, turn out, push. Practice that so you can shift your weight from one foot to the other. Good, just like that. Keep it up.” I moved to another spot on the ice. “Maiko, Rikona right here. I want you to work on your one-foot glides.”

“Oh, those are hard. They’re scary,” Rikona said.

“Why are they scary? Have you fallen on the ice yet?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then you’ve survived the worst that can happen to you on the ice. Well, some falls are worse than others, but I’ve survived every one of my falls. You will too. Plus, it’s not very common to fall on one-foot glides. If you lose your balance, just put your foot back down. The trick to them though is to get enough speed. It’s like a bike. The slower you’re going, the harder it is to balance. Also, hold your stomach nice and firm and tuck your butt in. You can’t leave it hanging out behind you.” I went over and pushed their bellies in to get the right position. “Just like that. Hold that nice and tight and keep trying the glides. You have to do both legs evenly. Don’t just do the one that feels easier. Okay?” They nodded and I moved on.

“Axel, Isamu, you’re up.” Shell-shocked Axel skated over with zero energy. “What’s up, Axel? Don’t know how to skate without your sisters?” She looked up at me with tears waving white flags in her eyes. “Sorry! Sorry. It’s okay. They’re right there. You can see them, right?” She nodded. “You’ll be fine. I want you to help me out a little here. Can you show Isamu how to do a three turn? You need a little practice on them to stop dragging your heel through the turn and he hasn’t done them yet so I thought you two would work well together. He can do them two footed, but he’s a little scared of doing them one footed, right?” He nodded. “Axel, you’re not scared of anything. Can you give him a little of that?”

“Right.” She nodded. “Right, Coach Yura. I can do this.”

“Of course you can. Go on. I’m counting on you.” Kids and old people who like cats. Those are easy to be nice to. Time for the chicken.

“Teach me the quad flip.”

“Nope. Singles.”

“Huh?” His chicken eyes bugged out like I had just plucked one of his feathers.

“You jump like a fish. You’re too busy looking for Yuri to focus on what you’re doing. You can’t skate with the ice in your mind all crowded and gouged out. Clear it out so you’re not thinking of anything at all. Not how to do the jump. Not how Yuri looks naked. Nothing.” He started squealing and biting his knuckles. “Hey! Knock that shit off! Seriously, what are you, two?”

“Don’t you have to go do suicides now?”

“You’re not a child. I can curse at you all I want. Now let me see your singles. Keep doing them until I tell you to stop.”

“Hmm… no.”

“What the hell do you mean, no?! You can’t tell your coach no!”

“Well, I’m only here for Yuri and since you won’t teach me anything useful, I’m going to spend my time doing something better like planning for tonight.”

“Huh? Wait. I don’t want to know your pervy plans for tonight. Just go do your singles. Any type of jump is fine. Just keep them all singles.”

“I thought I already said no.” He pulled out his phone and started tapping away and snapping photos of Yuri.

What the fuck? I ripped the phone out of his hand and stuck it in my pocket. Huh, kinda nice being able to outmuscle someone. “No phones during practice time!” God, I sound like Yakov. “Listen here, you little shit.” I stood up on my picks just to enhance the fact that I was taller than him and to buy myself more time. I hadn’t thought past ‘you little shit’. “You came here for Yuri, well you got him. You got the two-time World Champion and two-time Grand Prix Gold Medalist Yuri. It may be in juniors, but how many medals outside of Japan have you won?” He stared at me blankly. “Thought so. And I already have the skills to kick your ass all over this ice. So you can choose; listen to me now or we can skate for it and Yuri can watch as a junior kicks your ass and then makes you bow down begging him to teach you. So what’s it going to be? Singles or total embarrassment?”

He quietly went into his singles. See that, Viktor? Piece of cake. You thought you were going to teach me a lesson with him, huh? “Come on, little fishy! Stop thinking! You’re thinking about your arms and your legs and Yuri’s ass. How dare you think you’re even worthy enough to think of him when your singles look like shit? You really want him to look over and see you doing pathetic singles like that?” His ass smacked the ice. “Well done. Impressive. Aww… still laying on the ice, are we? Come on, Chicken!” He struggled to his feet and started his hoppy singles again. “Really? You’re Yuri’s fan but you haven’t learned to get up from the ice like him yet? Do you see him hesitate no matter how hard he crashes? He falls and gets back up with more talent in his pinky toe than you have in your whole body when landing a jump.” He fell again, his side hitting the ice. “Falling all over the ice on singles. Way to show me how little you need my coaching. Come on! Get up! Find some damn strength and get on your feet!” Up on his feet and down again just as quickly. “And… you’re getting worse. Come on, these are singles! For someone who can do quads, they should be as easy as breathing. Breathe, jump. Breathe, jump. That’s all you need to do.” He burst into tears on the ice. Fuck. I skated over and offered my hand which he ignored to cry on the ice. “Why are you crying?”

“Be- because I wanted to train with Yuri and you’re yelling at me!”

“I’m not yelling. I’m teaching.”

“You’re yelling and I don’t like it. My coach never yells at me.”

“Yeah, well maybe that’s why you suck at singles. You should be able to do singles all day long without falling. Come on, get up. You’re going to get cold. Do you really want Yuri to see you on the ice like this?” He stayed sniffling on the ice. Great. I broke my student in five minutes. Awesome job. “Okay, fine. I’ll go back to Kaori. At least she has potential and isn’t a huge crybaby.” I expected that to jolt him to his feet, but he stayed on the ice. Whatever.

I followed through on my threat and went back to Kaori. She was pushing harder and harder off her blades with every stroke. She faceplanted into the ice and tears sprang to her eyes but she pushed right back up and back into pushing off her blades even harder than she was before. “Having fun?” She still had tears in her eyes but she smiled and nodded. “You’re doing an awesome job. You’re a cool little girl. Tough too.” I looked to the other skaters with her. They wobbled slowly over the ice, slamming their feet back down as soon as they picked one up. “Good job you guys. I want you to try holding up your foot as long as you can before you switch to the next. Like this.” I pushed and slowly transferred from one skate to the next. “Kaori, you wanna help me with something?”

“Yeah!”

“Okay, follow me.” I led her over to the chicken on the ice. “Okay, Chicken, you don’t like me as your coach so you have a new one.” I waved my hand toward her.

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. She’s going to show you how to get up off the ice. This is her first day on the ice and she’s already a million times better at getting up than you are. She gets up like Yuri does already. Go ahead, Kaori.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Teach your student. Any way you want to. I want you to teach him how to get up off the ice with strength and determination like you do.”

She nodded and kicked her skates out from under her flopping onto the ice. “Falling is a part of skating. You can’t skate without falling. I think you need to learn how to fall before you learn how to get back up.”

“I know how to fall. I’ve been skating for a long time.”

“Okay, then falling should be easy, right?” She got back on her feet.

“You want me to fall on purpose?”

“Coach Yura did it. I did it. Do you want me to show you how again?”

“No! You don’t have to hurt yourself.” He started to get to his feet.

“It doesn’t really hurt. Only a little. Go ahead. Fall.” He tried to kick his feet out from under him, but self-preservation kept him upright. “See? You don’t know how to fall. You just have to decide to do it. That’s it. Once you’ve decided, it’s easy. Just decide to fall and kick out your feet.” What’s the potential jail time for kidnapping if I take her back to Russia with me?

The chicken kicked out one foot and it was enough to make him lose his balance but he scrambled to recover it the whole way down.

“Better. At least you made it down here this time. Try again. You don’t have to do anything once you kick. Just fall. Nothing else.” She kicked her skates out and landed on the ice again. “See? Easy.” They got up together and the chicken fell again. “Almost. Again.” She made him fall again and again. Any time he hesitated she kicked her feet out and fell. Tears were hanging around in her eyes which only made him try harder to keep her from showing him again. His falls got better so she switched to showing him how to get up. If he hesitated, down she went to show him. God I love this kid!

“You’re doing a great job, Kaori. I’m going to check on the others. I trust you to handle this.” She beamed and tossed herself on the ice as the chicken was too slow again.

I skated to the others and was switching out their drills when Viktor skated up. “So you broke your student then left to let a little girl clean up your mess?”

I shrugged. “Don’t blame me for doing what works.”

He laughed. “Well now, I wonder where you learned that from.”

“Some idiot genius. That girl is awesome. Can I keep her?”

“Sure, she’s all yours the rest of the camp.”

“No, I mean I want to keep her forever. Can I adopt her?”

“Ready to be a dad at fifteen?”

“No. I guess not.” I sighed. “But she’s so freaking cool. This is her first day on the ice and look at her schooling that stupid chicken.”

He laughed. “You probably shouldn’t insult your students… But yeah, he is a stupid chicken. Jumps like a fish too.”

“Right? I tried to tell him that and he cried.”

“Not all punks are tough. Get back to it.” He skated back to his group.

I finished checking on the others and went back to Kaori and her pet chicken. “How’s it going? Can he get up yet?”

“I think so. Tell me what you think. Fall.” Her pet chicken obeyed and fell to the ice then scrambled back to his feet.

“I think you’re an excellent coach. What do you think, Chicken? You want to keep her as your coach or are you ready for some more singles?”

“I’ll do the singles!” His voice cracked.

“Okay you don’t have to wait for permission to work. Let’s see them.” He did a few singles before he fell and scrambled back into them, glancing at Kaori for her approval. She nodded and he popped singles around the ice. “Keep at it. Remember, no thinking. Breathe, jump. Breathe, jump. You know how to do a single. Let your subconscious take care of it. It’s like walking. You don’t have to think to walk, right?” He nodded. “If you tried to think about it you’d likely trip over your feet. I’ll be back to check on you in a minute.”

I took Kaori’s hand as I led her back to her group. “How are you doing? You took a lot of falls. You can rest for a minute if you want.”

“Did I do a good job?”

“You did great. Really. I have high hopes for you. I think I’ll be seeing you at Worlds someday.”

“We don’t really have a lot of money to afford lessons to compete like that. I don’t think I’ll be able to skate after this camp is done.”

“What? No. You skate your best for me and I’ll keep teaching you for free until I leave at the end of the summer. After that I’ll figure out something. There’s someone I can talk to who might help.”

“You’re leaving?” All the falls weren’t enough to bring tears down her cheeks but that was.

“Hey, no. Not yet. I’ll be here a while longer. I just don’t live here. I live in Russia.” I wiped the tears off her cheeks.

“Oh. Is that where your family lives?”

“Yeah. Sort of. I train there.”

“Oh.” Her face fell back toward the ice.

“Hey, eyes up, Kaori. Don’t forget. And I’m not going anywhere yet. I’ll be here a couple more months so you’ll skate your best for me, right?” She nodded with her head looking really heavy. “Good. Time to learn how to stop. Come here guys.” I waved the others over and showed them how to stop. “Okay so your new drill is to keep working on your forward stroking just like before keeping each foot off the ice for as long as you can but you’re going to add in stops at each end. Okay?” They nodded and I left them for the girls working on backward stroking.

Rikona was taking tiny wobbling strokes and stopping after every few. “What’s up, Rikona? Still scared?” She nodded. Hmm… Not all punks are tough. Not all tough kids are punks. And… not all scaredy cats will respond to the hard lessons. “Try bending your knees more. That will make you feel more solid over your skates. Good, but don’t fall forward with your chest. Keep it up.” I pushed back on her shoulder to lift her back into place. “And always hold that belly in. Your belly is how you stay strong. If it’s weak, you’ll be weak.” She tightened herself back up. “Better. Doesn’t that feel more secure on your blades?” She nodded. “Okay, so hold that position and try the backward stroking now.” She still made tiny strokes, but they were less wobbly. “Better. Try for bigger pushes. You’ve got this.” She nodded and started some solid pushes backward. “Awesome! You keep that up a little longer. Keep trying for bigger pushes. Maiko, I want you to work on backward one-foot glides.” She gave me a look of horror but pushed into them anyway. “Good. Remember, enough speed here too. I know it’s scarier going backward but push through it.” I moved to Axel and her student.

“Okay, Axel, show me how well you’ve taught Isamu.” She nodded at him and he went into a wobbly, but at least one-footed three turn. Isamu blushed and smiled as she came over and kissed his cheek. Huh? Uh… Am I supposed to stop this? Yuuko was hanging out at the counter. “Uh, great job, but one second. I’ll be right back.” I skated over to the boards and leaned over to wave and get her attention. She spotted me and came out.

“How’s it going? Are they giving you problems?”

“No. Viktor split them up. They’re too stunned to be themselves right now.”

She started laughing. “Oh, poor girls. I don’t think they’ve ever been more than a meter away from each other before.”

“I can tell. It’s like they don’t know how to breathe anymore. But, um. I put Axel in charge of teaching another student and her methods… Um, she kissed him when he got it right.”

She laughed again. “Oh, don’t worry about it. She just does that. She’s very affectionate. Does the other student mind?”

“Uh, no. He didn’t seem to mind at all.”

“Well then I wouldn’t worry about it. Let me know if they start making out.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks.” I waved and went back to my students. “Okay, I want you both to work on inside and outside edges on a circle. Axel, you know how it’s done so help him if he needs it and make sure you’re working on deep edges.” Isamu started smiling and blushing already thinking of her teaching methods. I skated over to the hopping chicken.

“Alright, Chicken. Let’s see this. Have you learned how to jump like a skater instead of a fish yet?”

He stopped and stared at me. “I hurt and I’m tired.”

“Yeah that’s no excuse to quit. You’re a skater. You’re always hurt and tired. You know Yuri has bruises all over him every single day? He’s not as good at landing jumps as Viktor and I are so he does more of them. If that’s the skater you look up to, you should try to be more like him.”

His eyes went huge and he started biting his knuckles again. “You mean you’ve seen Yuri without clothes?”

I grinned and leaned in close. “I see him naked every day.” The chicken squealed. “He once gave me a massage while we were both completely naked.” He turned red and stopped breathing. “I’ve slept in his bed and woke up cuddling with him.”

He let out a huge gasp of air. “You’re lying.”

“Nope. I fell and hit my head and he was so worried about me, he made me sleep in his bed and woke up every hour just to check on me. And that same morning when he was wrapped up in my arms he mistook me for Viktor and kissed me. With tongue.” His squeals reached supersonic levels. “And if you think you’re getting anywhere near him you’re wrong. You’ll have to get through me and Viktor and there is no way in hell that’s happening.”

“Wait. You have a crush on him too.” He pointed a finger at me.

“What?! No, I don’t! Viktor is like my brother. I’m not going for his fiancé and I’m not gay!”

“You’re such a liar. You wouldn’t brag about him kissing you if you didn’t like it. Was it good? It must have been good if he thought he was kissing Viktor.”

“If I were gay I’d probably consider it incredibly hot. I mean it is Yuri. Did you know he can pole dance?”

He screeched his response.

“Like really really hot pole dancing. He made Christophe Giacometti bow to his superiority on the pole. Oh, of course you wouldn’t know that though. You weren’t at the banquet for Worlds. But I was. I may have a video of it.”

“Show me! Show me! Show me! Please show me!”

“You stop being a little shit and listen to me for the rest of the camp and maybe.”

“But you’re so mean! You’re such a terrible coach! And you’re less experienced than me. I shouldn’t have to listen to you.”

“Less experienced doesn’t mean worse. You got schooled by a seven-year-old on her first day on the ice. Would you like me to bring her back?”

“No!”

“I may be mean, and I may be a terrible coach but that doesn’t mean I have nothing to teach you. I’ve taught Yuri before.”

“What?! There’s no way you had anything to teach him!”

“Oh, but I did. And he listened to me because he’s not a disrespectful little shit like you and he thanked me for teaching him. So show me those hops little fishy.”

He flapped his arms to push away and went into his hops.

“Stop thinking about naked Yuri! Run a Zamboni over your mind. If you’re thinking about anything you’re wrong. These are singles! They don’t require any thought from you. Focus on how they feel flowing out of your body.”

He fell but got right back up and started to get a bit of determination on his face.

“Better! I see Kaori really was an excellent coach for you. Come on. You can do this. When you get it right it feels like you’re just breathing them out of you and floating over the ice. Relax the tension from your body.”

He started to smooth out and his jumps started blending from set up to landing. Huh, neat. Fishy to skater.

“Better! Feels better too, huh?” He nodded. “Okay make them doubles.”

“But I’m tired!”

“Come on, you can do it. Don’t change anything, just a little bit more power.” He went into doubles, but they started popping like a fish again. “No! Relax! Don’t get more tension just because you’re going harder! Breathe through them! Come on, you can do this!”

Viktor skated over. “You might want to stop him. He’s getting too tired. See how his legs are shaking really hard on take offs and landings? That’s his muscles protesting and saying they’re about to give up.”

“He can do this. I did a lot more than that.”

“Yeah well, not all punks are tough. Stop him. He’s going to get hurt. Falls from fatigue are always worse. Your body doesn’t try to save you at all.”

“They’re only doubles. If he falls it won’t be too bad. It’s not like falling from a quad.”

“Yura, you need to stop him.”

“I think he can do it. If you want to then you stop him.”

“He’s your student. He’s your responsibility.” He shook his head and skated away.

“Come on, Chicken! Breathe, relax. Don’t try so hard.” And the chicken crashed down. His side and elbow smacked the ice and I could see Viktor’s cringe from half way across the rink. Damn it. The chicken tried to get up, but his muscles were shaking too hard. I skated over and offered my hand. He glared at me but took it and got to his feet. Woah, he was really shaking. I put my hands on his shoulders to steady him. “Hey, I’m sorry. I pushed you too hard. Are you okay?”

Tears ran down his cheeks. “I’m fine. Just let me go.”

“Yuri! Hey! Can I get your help?”

“No! Don’t call him over now!”

“I want him to check you out. He’s really good at first aid. And it’s too late. He’s coming over. Here. Wipe your face.” I lifted up his shirt and wiped his face on it. “Come on. Don’t cry. You don’t want Yuri to see you like that.” He sucked back his tears and wiped his face again. “Better. You did those singles really good at the end.”

“Just shut up. You’re a terrible coach.” Yeah, I know. Still stings a bit.

“What happened?”

“I… ignored Viktor.”

“Again?! Are you fucking kidding me right now?! Come on, Yura. I know you’re fifteen, but my god. You must have some brains in there, right?” He shook his head and turned to the smirking chicken. “You’re Kenjirou, right?” Chicken’s head was about to blow off his neck. Headless chicken, that would be fun. I wonder what he’d look like on skates like that. “We skated together at Nationals this year.”

“Yeah you totally kicked my butt. It was so awesome!”

Yuri laughed. “Well you seem okay if you can have that kind of enthusiasm over losing. Where did you hit the ice?”

“My back and my elbow.”

Yuri moved behind him and lifted up his shirt. Chicken stopped breathing and turned boiling red. “Wow, that’s a nasty bruise already forming. It’s going to hurt for a few days.” He grabbed his arm and started bending it gently. “How’s the pain when I move it?”

“Not too bad.”

“Good. Okay, come with me. You need to rest a few minutes and get ice on this.” He let the chicken use him for support to get him off the ice. He grinned and squealed the whole damn time while Yuri just looked confused. Viktor shook his head at me as I went back to the other students. Yeah, I know. I fucked up again. Coaching is hard. No wonder Yakov is so angry all the time.

 

 

“Will you be skating now?” Kaori looked up at me as she took off her skates. “Yeah. You want to stay and watch?”

“Yes! Oniichan! Can we stay and watch Coach Yura skate? Please?”

“I don’t want to stay here anymore than I have to. Let’s go.”

“Please, Oniichan? I really want to watch him skate.”

“I said no. Now let’s go.”

“I can walk her home when I’m done if she doesn’t mind staying the whole time.”

“I’ll stay! Please, Oniichan? Can I stay?”

“Whatever.” Hey, you little brat, why are you using my words? And why does it sound so… stupid?

“Yes! Thank you, Oniichan!”

“Whatever.” So annoying.

“Can I stay and watch too?!” The chicken who had been lurking about squealed.

“Sorry. It’s a closed practice session.” Viktor gave his fan smile that stretched just a little too tight.

“Aww! But she gets to stay!”

“Yeah, she’s not our competition. We’re working on new programs we don’t want released to the world just yet.”

“Oh yeah.” I handed him his phone back and he glared at me. “Good work today.” I smiled. “Maybe tomorrow you can work on not falling so much on the singles so we can get around to the doubles before you wipe out.” My smile got bigger as the chicken got angrier. Yeah, I’m a petty asshole too. Viktor chuckled and covered it with a cough which turned into a laugh again as he caught my eye. Heh, he’s a petty asshole too at least when it comes to Yuri.

The chicken and the brat left and Kaori looked up at me with her sparkling brown eyes. “I was going to eat some lunch before I skated. Are you hungry?”

“I didn’t bring anything with me.”

“That’s okay. I’ll get you something. Come on.” She took my hand and we went over to see Yuuko. “Hey, Yuuko, Kaori here wanted to watch us skate but she didn’t plan on staying so late. Can you hook her up with some lunch? I’ll pay you back.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I’ve got plenty to share. I’ve always got hungry bellies to fill. One more won’t even be noticed. Give me one second.” She went into the back.

“She’s nice.”

“Yeah. That’s the triplets’ mom. I have no idea how she isn’t crazy yet looking after them. I would be.”

She looked down at my skates. “Don’t your feet hurt? You’ve been wearing your skates all morning and now you’re going to practice too? My skates kinda hurt after a while.”

“Yeah they do until you get used to them. And having skates that fit right helps a lot as well. Rentals are terrible to skate in.”

Yuuko came back and handed Kaori a box and some chopsticks. “Here you go. I hope you like it.”

“Thank you! I’m sure it will be delicious. Nice people always make the best food.”

Yuuko grinned. “Aren’t you a sweetie. I can see why Yura likes you enough to want to spend time with you.” She leaned close and lowered her voice. “He’s usually not so friendly. He must really like you to let you stay and watch.” Kaori beamed and we left to grab my lunch and sit on the bench with a cuddling Yuri and Viktor. Viktor stopped looking at Yuri long enough to give me his disappointed look.

“I know. I messed up. I should have listened to you.”

“Yeah. You should have. I thought we’d been through that already. Just because he’s an annoying chicken it doesn’t mean he should get hurt.”

“Viktor! Don’t say mean things about our students.”

“Well he is an annoying chicken. I thought my ears were going to bleed.”

Yuri sighed. “Yeah me too.”

Kaori giggled. “He does look like a chicken. A cute little chicken nugget.”

Viktor and I nearly fell off the bench laughing. “Oh please, please call him that. That is perfect!” I gave her a high five. “Seriously, I love this girl. She gets better by the minute.” We settled down and started on our lunches. “Hey, Vitya, she told me her family doesn’t have a lot to spend on lessons and such. I offered to coach her the rest of the summer but after I leave would you and Yuri be willing to help her out? She’s really good. She has natural talent and determination and she already promised to work hard.”

Viktor’s eyes wavered. “Yurochka!” He threw himself on me, but at least I was expecting it after that teary look.

“You are so heavy! Any chance you can hug me without crushing every bone in my body? Ugh!” Viktor sat up and pulled me into him instead. “Better.” My voice came out strangled through his crushing arms.

“Sorry. I’m so used to hugging Yuri and he’s so strong even though he’s smaller than me. Of course we’ll help your friend. I’m so happy you found a protégé.” He let me go and we returned to our lunches.

“Yura’s strong.” Kaori pouted.

“Yeah but not strong like that. I’m actually pretty weak physically. My strength comes from determination more than my muscles. It’s good to know your strengths and weaknesses. I’m not a powerful jumper, but because I’m light I can pull them off and I can usually do the more difficult elements like raised arms that less graceful skaters have a harder time with. If you know your strengths and weaknesses you can find what works for you better.”

“Oh. You’re also not very good with chopsticks.”

Yuri and Viktor giggled behind me. “Yeah chopsticks are hard. I’ve only been using them a couple of weeks. Got any tips for me?”

“Yeah you’re not keeping the bottom one strong enough.” She grabbed my hand and pushed the bottom stick further into the base of my thumb. “Hold it right here. And keep your top fingers more soft. If you hold it too hard it jerks around.” I tried it her way and for the first time in weeks I brought a bite of food to my mouth that I didn’t feel like I was going to drop. “You did it! Good job, Coach Yura!”

I smiled. “You’re a great teacher and I know you’re going to be a great skater.” I looked up and Viktor was grinning and snapping photos of me and Kaori.

“I’m going to die. You are going to kill me of cuteness overload, Yurochka. So precious! My little brother is finally growing up.”

“Shut up, idiot.”

“Oh, are you brothers?”

“Not really but he’s been looking out for me for years just like a brother would.”

“Oh. You look alike. He has some green in his eyes like yours. You’re both really pretty.”

“Thank you. So are you. And you’re strong. That makes you even prettier.”

“Yuri, Yuri, save me. I’m going to die. So cute!”

“Shh… If you make fun of him, he’ll stop.”

“I’m not making fun of him! Not at all. I think this is the best thing I’ve ever seen Yurochka do.”

I pulled out my phone and handed it to him. “Can you get a picture of us with this so I can post it?”

“Yurochka! Oh I think I’m going to cry. I already posted like a million pictures of this just so you know.”

“Yeah I figured as much. I don’t mind. Everyone will be jealous of me for getting to hang out with the coolest little girl on the planet.” I grinned at Kaori who was a bit red but positively beaming. I put my arm around her and smiled for our picture then sent it to my Instagram with the caption, “Meet Kaori Fujimoto - skating’s future champion! One day on the ice and she’s already got the determination of a gold medalist.”

“Okay time to skate.” Yuri ushered us onto the ice.

Kaori watched us from the boards with utter fascination on her face the entire time ignoring the dog trying to get her to play. I expected her to get a little bored after the first hour, but she stayed right at the edge taking in every move.

I skated over and she handed me my water bottle. “Thanks. Are you having fun?”

“You’re so good! I didn’t know that people could skate like that! It’s amazing! You’re so pretty when you skate. You look like an angel.”

“Want to know what it feels like to fly on the ice?”

“Yes!”

“Come over to the door.” I picked her up and put her on my hip and slowly picked up speed, adjusting to my strange balance. Her black hair flew out behind her and she closed her eyes, smiling. “Faster?” She nodded and I pushed harder. “Are you flying yet?”

She nodded. “I’m being carried through the sky by an angel.” Okay, yeah. I’m going to die of cuteness overload too. I brought her back to the door and set her back on the ground. “Thank you! I can’t wait until I can fly on the ice too.”

“Are you ready to see some awesome skating?” She bounced her black hair around her pink cheeks which gained two little dimples right under her eyes every time she smiled. “This isn’t stuff you can do in competitions but we have exhibitions so skaters can just have fun on the ice doing whatever they want. Yuri’s been teaching me some dance moves for my exhibition this year. It’s really fun. Can you grab me the leather gloves from my bag?” She ran off and handed me the black fingerless gloves. “Watch close.” I skated off to grab Yuri away from Viktor.

“Hey, ready to get your butt kicked again?”

“Don’t make me look too bad. There’s a girl I’m trying to impress.”

Yuri grinned. “She’s adorable. She’s really as good as you say she is? How can you tell after only one day?”

“She gets up off the ice like you do.”

Viktor grinned and Yuri tilted his head. “What does that mean?”

“It means she’s going to be amazing. Now let’s go. I don’t want to get her home too late.”

“I’ve got a new move for you. I’m not sure if you can do it though.”

“I can do it!”

“It’s hard. I don’t even know if I can do it. Well, I can do it on the ground. I haven’t tried it in skates yet. I don’t even know if it’s possible in skates. Vitya, there’s a good chance of a nasty fall. Can you handle that right now?”

“I’m feeling better. Go for it. But. Be careful.”

“Of course.” He changed out his gloves for the ones that gripped the ice just right for breaking moves then skated back to give himself room and firmed up his determination. He took a few dashing steps across the ice and launched himself head over heels, tucking his knees to his chest with his hands, landed on his feet, jumped forward onto his hands and kicked his heels over in a front handspring and landed on his feet again.

“Oh shit!” Viktor and I clasped our hands over our mouths and fell to the ice. “That was sick!”

“Yuri! How?!!”

“Well, that went better than I expected. I wasn’t planning on throwing in the handspring the first time, but I was falling forward a bit so I thought it would help more than hurt.”

“Yuri! I said not to show me up!”

“I thought you said you can do it.”

“I wasn’t expecting that! Holy shit, man!”

“Well, at least we know it’s possible. Are you gonna try it?”

“I can’t even do that on the ground let alone in skates.”

“We can work on it on the ground tomorrow first. I’ve got another one that’s easier. This one is less risky. It’s closer to the ice so falls will hurt less, but that also means your timing has to be perfect.” He dropped to the ice and laid himself out in a pushup position then kicked himself off the ice and spun parallel to it before landing back into the plank hold. He managed three revolutions while moving no more than five inches up and down. “Okay, you try it. You’ve got to spin quick so really get that twist going as soon as you can.”

I got on the ice and tried to twist myself around but I wasn’t fast enough and hit my shoulder into the ice. “Ah! Damn it.” I tried a few more times before I finally got it and heard Kaori’s voice shouting across the ice.

“Yeah! Go, Coach Yura!”

I gave her a thumbs up and tried a few more times getting the move more solid.

“Looks good, Yura. Try it coming down from the tight two thousand, freeze one handed feet together, and fall into the plank and spin.”

I stood up and shook my arms out. “Seriously, Yuri. Where did you learn this? When did you have time to master dancing alongside skating?”

“Minako taught me everything except the pole dancing so I’ve just grown up doing all sorts of dances.”

“Minako?! The ballet teacher?! She can breakdance?!”

He laughed. “Better than I can. She focuses on ballet, but she says the best dancers are the ones who can move in a thousand ways. She says that every move you know comes out through the one you’re currently expressing. It gives depth to a move that no other training can.”

“Hey, Yuri!”

“Uh oh.”

“At the Worlds banquet, bring Minako! I’ll get Yakov to bring Lilia and we’ll get them to have a dance off!”

“Oh my god! That is great!” We all started laughing. “I know Minako will agree, but what about Lilia?” Yuri asked.

“Oh, I know how to push her buttons. I’m serious. We’re doing this and it’s going right on YouTube! It is going to be amazing!”

“Vitya, this is the best idea you’ve ever had.” I punched him in the shoulder.

“No, the best idea I’ve ever had is that Yuri is going to breakdance against Minako.”

“Viktor, no!”

“Viktor, yes! Payback! Yuri’s going to get his ass kicked by an old ballerina!” I started laughing so hard standing up was extraordinarily difficult.

“You let her hear you call her that and your ass will be done for. Okay, back to work.”

Viktor put on the music for us and I started my routine using the slickness of the ice to do long slides across it and into the moves Yuri taught me. It was getting pretty sick, but the music was off. “Damn, this song isn’t right either.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“I don’t know. It’s good, but it’s not… it’s not like the ones we danced to at the banquet. Those were amazing.”

“Oh, the ones Otabek was playing?” Yuri asked.

“Yeah. I didn’t know you knew him.”

“Yeah, I’ve talked to him a few times. He’s really good.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, his style is completely unique. If you like determination, you’ll love his skating.”

“He’s really good?”

“I considered him our biggest threat outside of Chris. Why the interest in Otabek?”

“Um. No reason. I just really liked the songs he picked. I wish I could have him pick one for my routine.”

“Oh, he kind of keeps to himself. I don’t have any way to contact him. Phichit might be able to find a way though.”

“You don’t have to do that. I don’t want to ask him.”

“Why not? It looked like he was having fun DJing. It must be a hobby of his. I doubt he’d mind giving you a recommendation. And if anyone could find a way to contact him, Phichit could.” He pulled out his phone and sent a text. “Phichit says he’s on it. Let’s keep with this one for now. We’ll run this through again. Use all of that aggression you love. Breakdancing is a rather in-your-face kind of dance. It’s actually perfect for your personality if not your body.”

“What’s wrong with my body?”

“Nothing. It’s just a lithe, ballet body. Breakdancing is usually best on slightly stockier bodies like mine, but Minako is like you and she pulls it off just fine. You just have to focus less on flexibility and more on strength and solidness.” His phone buzzed and he pulled it out. “Oh, hold on. Phichit got me his number.”

“Already?”

“Do not underestimate Phichit and his connections. You want to text him, or should I?”

“Um, you said you’ve talked to him a few times…” He nodded and started typing out his text. Why was my heart racing? Because I ran away like an idiot? What does he think of me after that? I couldn’t take just standing there so I went to start my routine again. I haven’t had this much fun skating in forever. Sliding across the ice and spinning on my hands made my whole world feel completely new and unrecognizable. It made me feel unrecognizable. I couldn’t say I didn’t like it. Ever since I’d stopped pushing Viktor away, I felt like I did when I lived with Grandpa still. I was still an asshole though. Yuri had given me the go ahead to confess, but I was too much of a chicken to do it. Probably even more so now that I realized how much I wanted to keep Viktor in my life. Clinging to him instead of Yuri was helping, but I couldn’t deny how much I wanted Yuri and I didn’t see the point in confessing if I was going to commit the same crime the very next day. The picture I was putting on the ice was appropriately chaotic. Viktor, Yuri, Mom, Grandpa, Yakov, Kaori, Chicken, Mari, Toshiya, Hiroko, Yuuko… Otabek. All these people were drawing different responses out of me. Which one was the real me?

“I got your song, Yura!”

“Really? Already?” I lay panting on the ice and Yuri skated over to me.

“Viktor’s putting it on now.”

“Did you tell him it was for me?”

“Yeah. He said he hopes you like it and that he knows you’re going to crush it. He thought the breakdancing idea was cool.”

“He knows I’m breakdancing?”

“Yeah, he asked a few questions to get a feel for the routine.”

“Oh. Right. Did he say anything else?”

“Nope. He’s always pretty succinct though.”

“Succinct?”

“Oh, um, short. Doesn’t say a lot of words.” Succinct. New word to add. The song came on and I closed my eyes. The cold ice brought back the roof in Beijing. Otabek. I hadn’t thought much of him. I wonder if he thought of me. He didn’t seem to mind giving me a song recommendation. Maybe I’d try to talk to him again when I ran into him next. He wasn’t annoying at least. And yes… This is what I was looking for. The song was rock which seemed like an unusual choice for breakdancing, but it was so fucking me that I don’t think it’d matter what dance I put to it. I think I could even throw some ballet in here and it’d be fucking awesome. Okay, dude officially has the best taste in music.

“Get Otabek to DJ Minako and Lilia’s dance off. I’d love to hear what he picks for them.”

“Yeah, he is good. This song is so… you.” I looked over and Yuri was sitting on the ice next to me. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? “It’s going to be awesome.” He poked my side. “Get up. I want to see it.” Yuri got to his feet to clear the ice and Viktor restarted the music.

All those jumbling pieces fell together and I started improvising as I went to better fit his song. My drawing was still chaos, but it was my chaos and now it had a beat that held it together. Ballet, breakdancing, jumps that were less than perfect, but flowed out of me as easy as breathing, sliding backbends across the ice. It was all right when mixed together and set to his music. I collapsed on the ice again and loud applause came from my small audience. I got up and skated to Kaori.

“What did you think?”

“It was so cool! You are the best ice skater ever! Thank you for letting me watch you.”

“Of course. Thank you for watching me. I’m glad you liked it. Come on. I’ll take you home now.” I went to the bench and flopped down with a sigh. All day in skates was brutal. I grabbed my phone to check it to have something to do before I had to force myself to bend forward and remove my skates. Fifty-four unread messages from mom now all saying various degrees of get your ass back now. Ranging from brutal to sweet, trying out whatever face was going to get her way. She probably emptied her glass and didn’t know how to fill it again. I stopped reading after the first ten or so. At least I had a home to go back to if you could call it that. Viktor and Yuri joined me so I put the phone away and started taking off my skates.

“That was amazing, Yura! I take it you like the song.”

“Yeah. Can you tell Otabek I said thanks?”

“Why don’t I give you his number and you can tell him. I’m sure it’d be better coming right from you. By the way, I sent him the video of that.”

“What?! Why?”

“I thought he should see how his song choice worked and it’s only an exhibition. Don’t worry, you looked amazing. I wouldn’t have sent it if you didn’t.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re not Viktor. He would send it only if I fell on my a- butt.”

“Yuri, he just censored himself.” Viktor poked at Yuri and stared at me with his eyes wide.

“Shut up. I’m taking her home. I’ll meet you guys in the onsen?”

“I’ll wait for you in the changing room,” Viktor said.

“Thanks. Come on, Kaori.” She took my hand and we made it about a block before I noticed her limping. “What’s wrong?”

“My feet hurt a little.”

“Really? Let me see.” I sat her in the grass and took off a shoe and her sock holding her foot safely from the ground. She had blisters all over her foot. Some of them were quite bloody. “Oh, ouch. Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was?”

“I’m trying to be strong.”

“Being strong is important, but so is taking care of yourself. Your body and especially your feet are how you skate. If they’re not in good condition they won’t be good for skating either. Are these the socks you were wearing?” She nodded. “It looks really big for you.”

“They were my brother’s. I outgrew mine and we couldn’t buy new ones yet.”

“Oh. I’ll make sure you have some that fit you better for tomorrow. Make sure you get these bandaged up when you get home and leave the bandages on for tomorrow.”

I slipped her sock and shoe back on and lifted her onto my back. She giggled and stroked my hair. “See, you’re strong. You can carry me.”

“Yeah, but you’re little.” She started directing me to her house by pointing which streets to go down.

“Your hair is so soft. It feels like silk.” She pointed to a street to the right. “You’re so warm too. Is that how you skate in a cold rink all day?”

“I kind of like the cold. My house is always so hot and stuffy. It feels nice at the rink.”

“Oh. My house is a little cold all winter. I’m used to the cold, but I don’t like it much.”

“Were you cold today?”

“Only when I was watching.”

“I’ve always got a jacket in my bag. You can grab that next time if you’re cold.”

“Is it okay?”

“Of course. I said you could, didn’t I?”

“Yeah. This is my house.” It was little and run down. More so than I expected based on what I’d seen of the rest of Hasetsu.

I stopped and set her down. “Hey, can I pick you up early tomorrow morning? I want to give you a surprise.”

“Okay!”

“Good. I’ll meet you here at nine, okay?”

“Okay! Thank you, Coach Yura!” She bowed and ran off to her house, limping but still running with an excited bounce. I jogged back to the house so I wouldn’t keep Viktor waiting too long but I made sure to stop at every intersection to check thoroughly for cars. Yuri had sent me Otabek’s phone number and I stared at it, debating whether or not to message him. I decided against it for now. Coward. I made it into the changing room where Viktor was chilling butt-ass naked on his phone. Yuri was mercifully not there. He’d probably gone on ahead.

“Oh, hey, Yura. Did you get your friend back okay?”

I stripped off my clothes and grabbed his hand and a towel and tossed it over my shoulder. “Yeah. Her socks were hand me downs from her brother though so her feet got blisters all over them. I’m going to get her some new ones for tomorrow.”

“Such a sweetheart.”

“Ugh, do you have to say shit like that when we’re naked and holding fucking hands?”

“No, I don’t have to, but I do. Don’t worry, I’m still not hitting on you.”

“I know. I doubt you’re into underage incest.”

“Doubt. Thanks, Yurochka. That’s a glowing testimony to my character. Little punk. Though I guess that’s a step up from when you actually accused me of it.”

“Yeah, well… I was just being an asshole.”

“I know. That’s your default setting. Or it was. Seems like the station is changing. Still scanning for the right one?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, keep in mind, you don’t have to pick just one. It’s okay to adapt to which drawing you feel like doing on that day for that person. I have a tendency in my life to keep doing the same drawing that feels safe. It gets a little dull. That’s why I like surprising the audience and why Yuri is so amazing to me. He’s always creating new and fascinating drawings for me.” He cleared the ground around the stool and we sat down to wash.

“Yeah, well the guy can pull of fucking gymnastics on ice like it’s no big deal and then just say, ‘Well, that went better than I expected.’ Like what the hell?”

“I know, right? I mean, I should know by now to expect anything from him, but it never ceases to amaze me. He’s so convinced of his mediocrity though. I’ve been trying for almost a year now and he still won’t accept how amazing he is.”

“Really? I thought he was pretty confident.”

“Sometimes. It’s an act a lot of the time. Or not really an act, but it takes effort for him. You can see it in his hands. When he makes fists he’s forcing it, usually for someone else’s sake. Mine usually. He’s been having to force it a lot these past several weeks. I feel so awful that I put him through that and that I know I’ll do it again next year.”

“He doesn’t mind. He loves you.”

He looked over and smiled, his eyes wrinkling. “Yeah. I’m insanely lucky. Yuri’s so amazing. So is my Yurochka. You’ve made me so happy that you don’t push me away any more.”

“Ugh, again. Naked. Shower. Please find better times to express your affection. I’m begging you.”

“I never consider such things. I just say what I want to say when I think of it.”

“Yeah, I’m painfully aware.” We rinsed off and he grabbed my hand to lead me to the onsen. I really need to start working on this shoe issue. I guess it was starting to get easier to follow him. We were about two steps away from the water when I stopped. “Can you let me go and just walk ahead of me the last bit?” He dropped my hand and my heart started racing even harder. Come on. You can do this. It’s two fucking steps. What would Kaori think of you if she knew that you couldn’t walk two steps barefoot without holding someone’s hand? Eyes up, Yurochka. Maybe not focusing on it will help. I focused on Viktor’s back and took one step forward. My stomach churned but I clamped my lips tight and took the next step. The last step was into the water and the heat distracted enough from my sickness to let it start settling.

“Yeah! Davai, Yura!” Yuri and Viktor both had their hands up and stupid grins on their faces like I was a baby taking his first steps. I guess I can’t say that analogy was totally off.

“Shut up. I’m not a baby.” I tossed the towel to the side and settled into the water.

“We didn’t think you were a baby. We were honestly cheering you on for doing something incredibly hard. Yuri and I both know that fighting your own mind can be the most difficult thing in the world. We weren’t trying to be condescending at all.”

“Condescending?”

“Um…  I know how to use it, but not how to explain it. Yuri?”

“It’s like talking down to someone, thinking they’re an idiot or a child. It’s usually used when you’re being helpful, but in a way that makes the other person feel small and beneath you. Kind of like baby talk on a child that’s just a bit too old for it.”

“Ah, it’s snisxodítelʹnost in Russian. Sorry, I don’t think between languages very well. I learn them like a child, learning their own meanings instead of translating. You get a more accurate understanding of the words because even though words often mean the same, they don’t always get used in the same way.”

“Yeah, that’s what I did to learn Russian and it’s why my Russian is still so bad. I’m trying to unlearn a lot of the things I taught myself incorrectly.”

“Your Russian is better than you think. The accent is still thick, but it’s understandable. Oh, I know what might help.”

“What’s that?”

“Feeling what a real Russian’s tongue feels like.” He grinned like a wolf and leaned over him to pin him to the rocks and start making out with him. He had Yuri’s hands clasped in his and pressed against the rocks and he moved over to straddle him. Jesus, Viktor. Just start fucking him right here why don’t you. Did Yuri mind being so bold or had he gotten used to it? Viktor finally stopped kissing him to whisper something in his ear and then sat back up, grinning at Yuri’s stunned expression. He moved back to his side and held him tight under his arm.

“So… since you all don’t seem to mind being totally gross in front of me, at least make it educational. Do you guys have set… roles? Or…”

“Curious about the dynamics of gay relationships?” Viktor grinned. “We switch. I used to only top until Yuri found his confidence to demand what he wants and that was fairly recent. Actually, the last banquet was our first, my first ever too. Yuri was perfect. I’m so glad that I got him as my first for that. He was so fucking hot, but so sweet. He push-”

“Vitka! You don’t have to give him so much detail!”

“Okay, okay. So now we usually prefer Yuri on top, but depending on our moods, I’ll top too. Regardless of who’s on top, Yuri’s usually in charge, but I sometimes get into moods where I just want to tie him up and devour every inch of him. There’s lots of variations there.”

“Is that… common? Switching like that?”

“Well, I’ve never taken a poll, but from my experience, yeah. I’ve dated guys who said they usually top, but I’d test them by acting dominant and they’d go with it.”

“What do you mean you tested them?”

“I wanted to try bottoming, but I wanted them to… earn it? I guess.”

“You wanted them to show you how much they wanted you by fighting you for it.” Yuri ducked his head.

“Yes, thank you, zolotse. You always explain me better than I do. Yuri said he’d prove how much he wanted me by defeating Chris on the pole and oh my god did he. Plus, a million other things he did along the way. Speaking of, I haven’t heard any numbers lately.”

“We’ve been a bit preoccupied and I’m savoring them.” Yuri’s voice dropped and the corner of his mouth pulled up. “I want to hold those over you for as long as I possibly can.”

“Fuck, Yuri!” Viktor gasped and grabbed him into another kiss. Seriously. Right here.

“Do I want to know what that means?”

Viktor pulled back, but left his forehead against Yuri’s and his eyes on his. “Probably not.” He sighed and settled next to him again. “I think that some people have really set roles, but it’s a different experience to top or bottom and only doing one means you don’t get to experience the other and why would you want to miss out on life like that?”

“I guess that makes sense. I always thought it was based on who was the guy and who was the girl.”

“We’re both guys. It’s a gay relationship. That’s kinda the whole point. If you’re talking about being dominant or submissive, that can even vary in a person from day to day. Some days I want to be taken, some days I want to take him. Some people may only want one or the other, but I’d think that’s rarer than you assume. Hell, even Chris tops sometimes.”

“Really? He’s so… Well, I didn’t have to try very hard to dominate him.”

“Uh, yeah, anyone would submit to you, Yuri. You underestimate yourself again. I doubt there was a single person in that room you couldn’t have pinned to the pole and had your way with.”

“It’s true. Oh my god. It’s true. He wasn’t lying.” We all turned around to see the chicken standing there, eyes wide and squealing his piercing sounds into his knuckles.

“What the hell are you doing here, Chicken?”

He shook his head and climbed into the water, pulling his towel off and putting it on the rocks. “I’m staying here.”

“Hah?! What do you mean you’re staying here?!”

“It’s a long drive from my house to the camp so I decided to stay here. Ah, the water’s so nice.”

“Of course you did.”

Viktor looked over at me, thoroughly ticked off. Don’t worry, Vitya. I know how to be an asshole with the best of them.

“Hey, Yuri. I think I wrenched my back a bit doing that new spin. Do you think you could help me out?” I looked over at the chicken and grinned.

“Of course.” Yuri waded over to me while I laid my head on my arms on the rocks, the most blissful smile I could manage on my face. Viktor grinned at me. At least he trusted me with his fiancé. I started to feel guilty about that, but really, even though I wanted Yuri, there was no point at which I wanted to take him from Viktor. Unlike this stupid chicken and his gaping mouth studying every inch of Yuri’s naked body who would do anything to steal him. “Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere. I feel like I pulled every muscle in my back.”

“Okay. It looks like you bruised your shoulder so I’ll have to skip that, but I can do the rest.” He started on my neck and I moaned.

“You’re really good at this. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Hmm… maybe I should just stay and train with you guys instead of going back to Russia. This place and your hands are heaven after skating.” Woah. I was only trying to mess with the chicken but...

“Do you really mean that, Yurochka?” I couldn’t tell what Viktor was thinking by his face.

“Yeah. I do. The water’s nice and clear here and the ice has the best drawings on it.”

“Yurochka.” Viktor pressed his hand over his mouth and blinked away tears.

“Um, are you blind? The water’s actually pretty cloudy. It’s all the minerals, idiot.”

“Shut up, Chicken. You have no idea what we’re talking about.” Just like how I never did before. Viktor just often spoke in messages that only had meaning for the person he intended them for and it was their job to decode them. Now that I knew that, so many things over the years made perfect sense. “Try listening more and then maybe you won’t jump like a fish.”

“What the hell does that even mean? It’s nonsense!”

“Fill your head with meat jelly and then maybe you’ll figure it out. Ah, Yuri. Right there. So good.” I winked at Viktor and relaxed deeper onto my arms.

“Yuri, you’re doing me next, right?”

“That’s what I assumed.”

“Can I get a turn?”

“Sorry, your back is really bruised. It wouldn’t feel good to massage it and it could be dangerous.” The chicken made his annoying screeches while Viktor and I tried and failed not to laugh. “What is so funny, you two?”

“Nothing. Hey, Yura. You should learn to do this too. It’s a great skill to have. You can help me do Yuri and I’ll teach you.”

“Sounds great. I’d love to learn on Yuri.” Viktor and I started laughing again.

“What is with you guys?”

“Just having fun, my love.”

Yuri finished his massage on me and I waited through Viktor’s turn looking as blissed out as I could which wasn’t a hard thing to try for. Viktor of course made a big show of it, moaning and crying out his name. It sounded way too familiar and shame at where I’d heard it burned my skin. At least I wasn’t as red as the chicken who looked like he was about to explode. I wonder if Yuri would have acted like that around Viktor if he hadn’t gotten to know him before he knew that he was the guy he fantasized about. No. There’s no way Yuri could ever be that bad.

“Aahh… so good, Yuri. You’re the absolute best. I’m the luckiest man in the world.” He pulled Yuri around so he could hold him in his arms and kiss him deeply. Yuri melted for a second before he pushed him back.

“Viktor! We have a guest here.”

“Psh, now you care. Not like you guys don’t make out like crazy with me here.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not a guest. You’re family. I don’t care if I gross you out.” Viktor grinned. “Okay, Yurochka. Come here. Turn around, Yuri.” Yuri gave a little shudder before he obeyed. Was he nervous for me to touch him? Or… Viktor grinned at me and winked. Yuri liked it when Viktor talked like that. Oh god. Don’t think of that right now. We’ve got chickens to pluck.

I came over and tried to focus on the job at hand. “So, there’s basically two types of massages, one for relaxing overall and one for a more technical relaxing of the muscles specifically. Yuri knows the technical one the best and that’s what he does and he taught me a bit of it, but I really only know how to do more relaxing massages. I hope you don’t mind getting a bit intimate with my fiancé’s hot body.”

“Viktor!”

“Just relax, my love. You’re in my hands now. I won’t let Yura do anything weird to you.” He ran his hands over his shoulders and up to his neck and cupped it as he kissed just behind his ear. Yuri sighed and his shoulders relaxed away from his ears. “So, the first step is being confident in what you’re doing. If you’re taking charge of someone else, confidence is key to helping them relax. They’re trusting you so you have to give them something to lean on and that thing is your confidence. Even if you have to fake it a little, that’s better than not having it at all.”

“You’re taking charge of him when you give him a massage?”

“Of course. Any time someone is trusting you, especially with their body, they’re basically saying, ‘I leave myself to you, but please don’t hurt me’. It’s so important not to violate that, but because they’re giving up their strength temporarily, you have to have enough for both of you. It’s an incredible feeling to have someone’s trust like that just as it’s equally incredible to have someone you can trust completely. You’ll see what I mean someday. Okay, so I usually start by just lightly stroking down his back.” He ran his hands alongside Yuri’s spine. “You can use your palms or your fingers. They give different sensations. If you’re in a more intimate setting you can play with other things too like your nails or… Yuri will get mad if I continue that list but you get the idea. Here, you try.”

“O-okay.” Focus. You can do this. Plucking chickens and learning, not enjoying yourself. I moved over a little and put my hands on Yuri’s shoulders then dragged them down his back.

“Slower. Always slower. And play with the pressure. Lighter pressure makes them more… twitchy? Deeper pressure makes them relax more.”

“Is twitchy a good thing?”

“It can be. Sometimes it’s because you’re tickling too much, but if it’s just past tickling it feels good. Oh, if you’re using more pressure, Yuri says not to go right on the spine; you can hurt them. But I’ve found that one finger down the spine can feel amazing.” He ran his finger down Yuri’s spine making his body twitch like crazy.

“Ah, Vitichka, maybe save that for when it’s just us.”

“Like it a little too much, huh?” He nodded. “Sorry, love. Okay, Yura. Try again, but no spine.”

“Got it.” I took a deep breath and ran my hands slowly down Yuri’s back with just a bit of pressure. He moaned and I jerked my hands back.

Viktor laughed. “That’s not the sound you ever want to stop on. It means you’re doing a good job.”

“Um… But isn’t it too…”

“Yuri’s just a moaner. Haven’t you heard him eating katsudon?” Oh god do I remember that. “He’s fine. Embarrassed, but that’s nothing new. You’re okay, right, Yuri?”

“Yeah, sorry, Yura. I’ll try not to make any sounds.”

“It’s fine.”

“Yeah, don’t hold back, Yuri. How will he know if he’s getting it right?” He glanced at the chicken and a smirk flashed on his face. “Go ahead, Yura.” I put my hands back on him and kept repeating the things that made him moan. This wasn’t too hard and the chicken’s expression was priceless. He looked like he wanted to kill us, but was too close to passing out to act on it.

“Hey, Yuri, how’d you get these red marks all over your back? I’ve seen them a few times but-”

Yuri’s neck turned red and Viktor started laughing. “Only a few? I guess they sometimes fade before you see them. I can’t control myself.”

“Huh?”

“Remember how I said you can use nails?” He lifted his eyebrow.

“Oh! Oh, um. Am I hurting you?”

“No, they don’t hurt. Sorry, Yura.”

“What are you sorry for? He’s the idiot who did it.”

“Why do you think I did it?”

“Huh? Oh. He… likes it.”

“Hey, Yura’s a quick learner when he’s not being a defiant punk. Yeah, if two people actually love each other, anything done to one is because they wanted it.” Viktor demonstrated more ways to move my hands over him and then moved back to let me try. “Okay, Yuri says that if you’re actually trying to loosen the muscles instead of just relaxing them, you need to identify the muscles and follow along the fibers from end to end. It helps if you know anatomy or if you just have a smoking hot body like his to work on where you can actually see the muscles.”

“Seeing only works for the surface muscles though. There’s deeper ones you’ll never be able to find without knowing anatomy.” Yuri’s speech was slurred like he was drunk. I must not be doing too bad then. “The main thing to do then is just going from joint to joint. Even if you’re not targeting them directly, you’ll hit them right just by doing that.”

“Joint to joint…”

“Like this.” Viktor reached to Yuri’s elbow and stroked up over his shoulder a few times. “Start from before the joint starts and end past it. If you don’t go far enough it doesn’t feel as good but lighten your pressure slightly over the joint. Try his other arm.” He moved his face out of my way and I stroked along his arm from his elbow to his shoulder.

“Good, but harder. Need more pressure to relax the muscles.”

“Shh… just relax, love. I’ve got this. Like Yuri was saying, you need a bit more pressure for the technical massages.”

“I’m not that strong.”

“Lean into it with your body. Stand up and straighten your arms then push from your hips into your hands.” He stood up out of the water to demonstrate, pushing this time from his shoulder down to his elbow. He nodded to me and I stood up to do the same on his other arm. “Good, Yura. Since the back is long, you can’t always get it all in one stroke, but make them as long as you can.” We moved to his back again and each taking separate sides, I copied his motions. “This is easier on a bed where you don’t have to worry about pushing them away from you.” He reached around and held Yuri’s stomach like Yuri had to me. “These techniques can be used all over the body. It’s a bit difficult in the onsen, but the water is also helping so it kind of balances out. I still love it when he decides to do this in bed and goes over every inch of me. There you need oil so your hands glide.” He pulled Yuri into his arms and kissed along his neck. “How are you feeling, my love?”

“Amazing. Yura’s actually good at that. I’m impressed.”

“Thanks.” I blushed a little as I smiled. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“Hey, Kenjirou, you might not want to stay in the onsen any longer. The heat isn’t the greatest for bruises and too much can cause lots of inflammation. Putting ice back on it when you get out would be a good idea too.”

“Huh?! You’re kicking me out?!”

“You don’t want to be in too much pain to skate tomorrow, right? I mean, you probably want to get past mastering the singles.”

“You saw that?! I’m so wounded right now. The great Yuri Katsuki saw my failure.” He put the back of his hand to his forehead.

“It’s always important to listen to your coach. I know it must be tough because Yura’s younger than you, but he is incredibly talented. Viktor wouldn’t have put you with him if he didn’t have something to teach you.”

“Yeah, he would,” the chicken mumbled as he got out of the water.

“I’m sorry, are you implying something about my fiancé?” I flinched out of habit at the tone in Yuri’s voice, but it wasn’t directed at me for once.

“Well, he… he’s messing with me.”

“I assure you, there is nothing Viktor takes more seriously than skating. Even if he had an issue with you personally, he wouldn’t take it out on you through your skating. I would put you with Yura too. He does have a lot to teach you. Why do you think he has a reason to mess with you to begin with?”

“Because he- Because I- I- Oh, never mind.” The chicken’s feet slapped the ground as he stormed off.

“Okay, why are you really messing with him?”

“Um, he’s in love with you and trying to steal you from me.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Oh my god, Yuri. Even Yura could tell. Are you really that blind to yourself?”

“He might be a bit of a fan, but he doesn’t love me.”

“He came to a camp you’re running that’s meant for little kids just learning how to skate, begs to have you as his coach and begs to stay and watch you practice, and then shows up in your onsen? Yuri, my love, he’s seriously in love with you.”

“He’s right. Picture your room. How obsessed you were with Viktor.”

“Were?” Yuri asked.

“Are. Are obsessed with Viktor. I guarantee that kid has a shrine to you bigger than that.”

“Oh. Well, he’s just a kid. You don’t need to get jealous.”

“I’m not so much jealous as I am annoyed. Call it a pet peeve, but I don’t like anyone willing to hurt someone else to get what they want. I know I’m not losing you to him, but I still wanted to put him in his place and clearly stake my claim so he’d back off. Thanks for helping me, Yura.”

“No problem. That actually was useful.” And I learned that I can massage Yuri without getting a boner. Progress.

“Yeah, so you were chasing off one guy by having another putting his hands all over me?”

“But it was Yurochka. I can trust him.” Fucking guilt stabbed into my gut and twisted. Did he really not know? He knew with the chicken right away. After all this time he didn’t pick up on anything? If he didn’t know anything, did I really need to confess? If I just got over my crush on Yuri and never acted on it, did I really do anything wrong? Wouldn’t that just hurt him for no reason? It’s not like I asked to have a crush on him. “So, Yura, why the interest in our relationship before?” Wait. Did he know?

“I don’t know. I was just curious.”

“Hmm… Did you text Otabek yet to say thanks?”

“No. Not yet.”

“Why not? Nervous?”

“Why would I be nervous?”

“Is he cute, Yuri? I don’t remember.”

“Yeah, he’s attractive. He’s not really my type though. I prefer the tall, muscled, sexy Russian men with silver hair and blue eyes who skate like gods and love like the biggest hearted humans.” Yuri gave him a warm smile and caressed his face.

“Really? That’s a very specific type.”

“Hey, I know what I like. You’d probably find him more attractive than I would. He looks a bit like me.”

“Really?” Viktor glanced at me and I sunk deeper into the water. “What does he look like?”

“Hmm... Shorter. Dark hair and eyes. He’s a Kazakh so he’s Asian looking. Maybe picture someone who looks like me but way less nerdy and more rock and roll.”

“Fascinating. What do you think, Yurochka? Did you find him attractive?”

“I don’t know. I’m not into guys.”

“Still going with that, huh?”

“What does that mean, asshole?”

“It means that I think you’re old enough to admit it, don’t you?”

“Admit what? There’s nothing to admit!”

“Calm down. It’s nothing to get worked up over. Who in your life gives you shit for being gay?”

“No one! No one would except you because I’m not gay!”

“You’re completely fine with me being gay and have no problem with me and Yuri together, but as soon as I mention it about you, you freak out. So, who’s giving you shit? I’ll send Yuri to have a chat with them.”

“I’m not gay! Just leave it alone!”

“Okay, you’re fifteen, you must have had a crush on a girl by now. Name one girl you’ve had a crush on and don’t you dare say Mila because I know that’s a lie.” Fuck, what was that chick’s name? Or any chick. Lilia. Really? Come on. A fucking name. “No? I think it’s because I’m using the wrong gender. Name one guy you’ve had a crush on.” Yuri. Yuri. Yuri.

“Fine. So what if I am gay?” Shit.

“So what nothing. I’ve known for years, Yurochka. And it’s not exactly shocking news to us. I am glad that you finally admitted it to yourself.”

“How did you know? Was it because I look like a girl?”

“Yuri’s gay, but he doesn’t look like a girl. I was equally gay looking like a girl and looking like a man. Looks have nothing to do with it. And I knew because you told me yourself years ago.”

“Huh?!”

“Yeah maybe four or five years ago? Something like that. Well, you didn’t exactly tell me in so many words. You were training with Yakov. I think that was the first year you were with him? Maybe second? Third? I’m not sure. Anyway, you came to me asking me what you should do to impress a cute boy in your class. We didn’t really talk much then, we were so different in ages, but you decided that I was the best person to help you with your problem and marched right up to me demanding that I help you. It was really cute.”

“You’re lying. That never happened.”

“It did. You said that I had the whole world at my feet and knew how to impress everyone so I must know how to impress this one boy. I said that I had no idea how to impress little boys because I only focused on impressing men and you got so angry with me telling me that I was a selfish jerk for not wanting to help you. I liked you right then and there. So I sat with you and you told me all about him so I could help you figure out what to do. You said that he was supposed to be doing ballet, but he really sucked at it so I suggested that you help him. You came to me every day for months telling me all about your practice sessions with him and one day you just stopped. I asked you what happened with him and you just said that you couldn’t talk to him anymore. I’ve never seen you look as sad as you did that day. I thought that maybe he’d broken your heart or something. That’s when we started skating together at night. I thought it might help cheer you up since you always seemed to hate leaving the rink and I hoped that eventually you’d confide in me so I could help you through the heartbreak. Obviously that didn’t happen. You just got angrier and pulled away more as time went on. You don’t remember this?”

“Only a little… What was his name?”

“Um… Beka? Yeah, Beka. I think it was a nickname or something.”

Beka. Beka. Beka. I do remember Beka. Oh my god. “I didn’t ever say Otabek, did I?!”

“Otabek? The same Otabek who you were too nervous to text?”

“Did I say it?!” My fist smacked the water and sent scalding water on my face.

“Um, I have no idea. It was so long ago. What’s wrong?”

“Beka. Otabek. It could be a nickname for Otabek, right?”

“Yeah. What’s wrong, Yura? Why are you freaking out?”

“Otabek did train in Russia with Yakov for a short while,” Yuri said.

“He did? Really? You’re certain of that?” Viktor asked.

“Yeah. I looked him up along with all the rest of our competition.”

“Oh my god! I kissed him!” I shot up out of the water with my hand over my mouth. I didn’t know where I was going, but I felt like running somewhere. My bare feet held me frozen in the water like an idiot. A naked idiot.

“What?! What did my little Yurochka do? Was this then or now?”

“Now!”

“Way to go, Yura! Why are you so upset by that?”

“I kissed him.” I sank back into the water, suffocated in its heat.

“Yeah we established that. When did you kiss him?” He waved his hand at me to encourage me to tell the story.

“At the last banquet.”

“Was he your first kiss?” I nodded. “Well, was it good?”

“I don’t know! What makes a good kiss?”

“Did he make your heart race and your stomach do flips?”

“A good kiss is supposed to make you feel sick?”

“A little, yeah.”

“Then yeah. It was really good.”

“Nice job. He seems like a good guy right, Yuri?”

“Yeah he’s quiet. I like him.”

Viktor laughed. “If that’s your requirement for liking someone then I’m screwed.”

“Yeah you really are.” He grinned and kissed him.

“I ran away.”

“Huh?”

“After he kissed me. Well, during. I ran away.”

“You manage to get a great first kiss and you run away in the middle of it? Ugh do you know what you gave up? Most first kisses are awful. Mine was the worst. The guy just shoved his tongue down my throat. I almost threw up. Yuri said his wasn’t much better. He got nervous and bit him.”

“Viktor!”

“What? It’s cute. You can bite me if you want.” He grinned and snapped his teeth in Yuri’s direction.

“You behave. Why did you run away, Yura?”

“I don’t know. I just. Panicked.”

“Ah so you and Yuri have something in common after all. So tell us more. How did you kiss him in the first place?”

“Uh, I dragged him up to the roof and asked him if he wanted to kiss me.”

“Wait, what? Did you at least talk to him first or was he just some random guy you grabbed? Does he remember meeting you?”

“Yeah he remembers me. He cheered for me at the competition.”

“Lots of people cheered for you.”

“No I mean he waited for everyone else to stop screaming before he shouted, ‘Davai, Yura’. I thought it was kinda weird, but didn’t think about it until he came up later to congratulate me. He kept using Yura like he knew me. I bumped into him a few times and at one of them he told me that he still sucked at ballet just as much as he did five years ago.”

“So it was him then.”

“Yeah I guess so. That was when I asked him what dance I should pick for the dance off. He suggested breakdancing when I asked what would be the worst dance to do while drunk.”

“I no longer like him. I forbid you to date a monster.” Yuri crossed his arms and twisted his mouth up.

“Aww… You really hated the breakdancing that much? You looked so good though.”

“My head was spinning for a week. Anyway let Yura finish his story about the evil boy he kissed.”

“I invited him up to the roof and asked him how he knew he was gay. He said there was a boy in a ballet class that he saw that was so pretty and so strong and determined and he had eyes like a soldier and that he just knew he wanted him. I asked if he ever kissed him and he said no then I asked if he wanted to kiss me. He said yes and asked if I wanted to kiss him. I said yeah so he kissed me.”

“Woah. So, either you’re leaving out huge chunks of that story or you are the most socially inept boy ever. You casually talk to a boy a couple of times then drag him to the roof and ask how he knew he was gay? How did you know he was gay?”

Shit. That’s what I get for talking so damn much. Fuck. “Just stay out of it!” Viktor flinched and Yuri glared at me. Fuck. Old habits. “I didn’t mean that. I just…” My face turned red trying to think of the right thing to say that wasn’t, ‘Oh, we jacked off to your fiancé’s pole dance in the bathroom together.’ “It just came up in a different conversation. He told me he was.”

“Oh. Okay. That’s better then. At least your social skills are a little better than your story telling. Though I’m still horribly confused by all of this. How did a couple of conversations with the guy lead to you dragging him to the roof to kiss him? Is he that hot?”

“I don’t know. Yeah? It wasn’t really his looks though. Or him at all. I just wanted to kiss someone and he was the best option at the time.”

“So you get an overwhelming urge to get your first kiss out of the way and you pick some random guy and he happened to be your childhood crush?”

“I… guess so?”

“And he remembered you, but you didn’t remember him.”

“Well he looks a lot different now and he told me he was Otabek, not Beka.”

“By the way, because I’m guessing you haven’t figured it out yet, that boy in the ballet class was you.”

“What?!”

“Yep. So when you asked if he had ever kissed him, he probably thought that was just you being a smooth motherfucker instead of a socially awkward asshole with a terrible memory. Beautifully done failure, Yurochka. Ten out of ten.”

“What do I do?” I groaned and put my face in my hands.

“How did it end with him? I mean when you were little. Why couldn’t you talk to him?”

“I don’t remember.”

“You’re lying, maybe to yourself too, but that’s okay. You can tell us later. What did he do when you ran off?”

“He asked me to wait, but he didn’t follow me.”

“Good. Respectful but didn’t want you to go. I like that. Well good news is that you’re certain to see him again soon.”

I groaned. “That’s not good news. What do I say to him? Sorry I didn’t remember you before, but now I totally do. Kind of. Sorry?”

“Well the biggest question is, do you want to kiss him again?”

“I don’t know. How the hell am I supposed to know that?”

“Um, think about kissing him and then see if your body says, ‘yes please’ or ‘hell no’… So do you want to kiss him again?”

“I don’t know!”

“Give him a minute, Vitya. He’s freaking out. He needs a minute to think.”

“Okay I’ll just kiss you instead. That’ll keep my mouth occupied.” He grabbed Yuri’s head and stared at him like Beka, Beka- so much better than Otabek- did to me. He smiled, just a small, real smile right before he kissed him and Yuri pulled him tight. Love. I’d never really seen it other than in fake movies. Much quieter than they always showed. Yuri’s hands tightened in Viktor’s hair and Viktor moved his arms down to wrap around Yuri’s waist scooching him even closer as if that were possible. Their kiss got sloppy and Yuri started moaning before he shoved Viktor away, panting hard. That’s what I was afraid of. Lust. I was fine with love, but not lust? Beka… loved me? Is that what that look means? Yuri turned and saw me staring at them shamelessly.

He blushed hard and ducked his head. “I’m sorry. I should have stopped him sooner.”

“That look you gave him, Vitya… Before you kissed him…” I looked away and bit my lip. Don’t ask it, idiot. “It means you love him, right? That’s what you were thinking?”

“Did Otabek look at you like that?” His stupid grin was slowly spreading.

I nodded. “He said I was so beautiful and looked at me like that. He had his thumb on my lip for a while too just staring like you did.” My face turned scalding levels of red.

“Yeah. It means I love him.” His smile shifted into a soft, real one. “There are very few things you can be certain of with just a look, but a look like that? It can’t mean anything else.”

“Oh.”


	10. Chapter 10

We shifted into silence the rest of the time we were in the onsen. Well I was silent. They were kissing with all of the disgusting noises along with it. Beka. Otabek Altin. They seemed like two different people. Beka was timid. Quiet. But he tried so hard. He wanted it as badly as I did. He wasn’t escaping anything like I was; he had more noble goals. He wanted to bring honor to his country. He loved his family and his home and he wanted to make them proud. If it weren’t for Grandpa I wouldn’t have understood that at all. If it weren’t for his struggle to succeed in spite of his limited talent and training he wouldn’t have understood my fight to win. At the time I felt like he was the only person on earth who truly understood me.

Otabek Altin. Cool. Confident. Goes for what he wants. Says what’s on his mind without a care for what’s proper. I mean really, who admits to jacking off next to a random person so casually? But I guess I wasn’t a random person to him. I was the one who threw all of my weight against him to push him into a stretch then fell back in tears when my dick hardened on his back thinking that I’d hurt him somehow. I was the one who told him everything, angry and shouting until I cried, when he complained that I had it so easy with my natural talent. He was the one who trusted me with his tears when he missed home and feared that he wasn’t going to be able to make them proud despite how hard he worked. He was the one who told me that he’d cheer for me the loudest every time we competed together so that I’d know that someone out there believed that I was going to prove my mom wrong. When I said that he’d never be able to cheer louder than an entire crowd, he said he didn’t care and that he’d scream until I heard his voice the loudest. Oh my god. I slapped my hand over my mouth as tears started burning in my eyes even hotter than the scalding water I was sitting in.

“Yurochka? Are you okay?” Viktor’s voice was unusually gentle. I slowly shook my head as the tears pushed through.

I was the one who stared at him with nothing but hatred when he stood in front of me, blushing and playing with my hair, asking me to be his first kiss. I’d heard enough from my mom by then to know that me kissing boys was proving her right. Didn’t he understand that? I’d felt betrayed and pushed him away, screaming that I never wanted to see him again.

Hands were on my shoulders as my body crumpled forward. One of them handed me a towel and I buried my face in it, muffling my cries and sputtering fluids.

He was the one who still looked at me like that after all this time. After I hurt him so badly. After I chose him on a whim in a pathetic attempt to get over some other boy I was already a terrible person for liking. After I didn’t even remember him. Still he looked at me like that and gave me the first kiss I didn’t deserve.

Did he scream until his throat hurt trying to make me hear him until he figured out a smarter way or was he too mad at me to try until now?

“Yurochka, why are you crying?”

“I hurt him so much.”

“How did you hurt him?”

“My mom. I’m just like her. I hurt everyone around me. Selfish, pathetic asshole.” A hand smacked my head and I jerked back up. What the hell?

“That was for the second statement. Not the first. It’s okay to cry because you hurt someone, but saying that you do nothing but hurt people is a lie and it’s stupid to cry over things that you’re lying to yourself about.”

“It’s not a lie! I hurt everyone! I hurt you the most!”

“You didn’t mean to and when you learned what you did, you apologized and changed it.”

“No, I didn’t! I want Yuri! I have for months! He’s the one who made me realize I was gay at that stupid banquet and his pole dance!” My voice strained in something between anger and panic as I lost any control over what I was saying. I couldn’t tell if he looked angry or not.

“I think a lot of people realized they were gay with that.”

“What?! Why don’t you sound mad?!”

“Because I’m not.”

“It was because of Yuri that I kissed Otabek! I was trying to get over my crush on him! I jerked off to him more than once! A lot more than once. I- I came to knock on your door and I heard you having sex and instead of leaving right away, I stayed and listened! I loved it when Yuri mistook me for you! Hate me! I don’t deserve you as my brother!”

“Yurochka… I don’t hate you. I’ve known you had a crush on him for as long as you have. I know what wanting Yuri looks like and it was written all over your face.”

“So why?! Why did you…”

“Love you? Because you’re my brother. Sorry, I think it was time for you to hear it. I love you, Yurochka. I don’t care that you have a crush on Yuri because you’ve also been so determined not to do anything about it. You didn’t want to hurt me by trying to take him. When he was too close in the morning, you asked me for help instead of enjoying it. You always try not to look at him when he’s naked. When you stopped rejecting me, you rejected his hand in favor of mine. So many times, I could see the want in your eyes, but every time you rejected it as best you could. You love me more than you want him and I know how bad it feels to want him. I can’t imagine trying to reject it. How could I hate you when you’re willing to go so far to not hurt me?”

“I- You asked me for help in messing with the chicken knowing that I had a crush on him too?”

“Why did you warn me about him when you knew you were the same?”

My mouth hung open as I shook my head in confusion. “He would have tried to take him.”

“And you wouldn’t. I could trust you. I meant that.”

 “So… thanks for picking the worst time yet again, Yura.” Yuri’s face cringed in obvious discomfort, but he looked ticked off too.

“Huh?”

“You tell us that you have a crush on me when we’re all naked in the onsen?”

“Well, the only one this is news to is you. And really it shouldn’t be. I told you right after your dance off. I said he liked you.”

“I thought you meant like, I dunno, as a friend? Or something?”

“Oh, my precious, Yuri. You are so blind when it comes to how you affect others. I think he could have held up a billboard saying ‘I love Yuri Katsuki’ and you wouldn’t have noticed. Or you would have noticed, but you would have thought that you were just misreading the name. Just like how you knew it really was me in the closet as soon as I said my name but you rejected that idea as being just way too absurd. Don’t worry. It’s just a crush. He’s already starting to get over it. And now that he has Otabek…” He winked.

“I don’t have Otabek! I can’t talk to him! I pushed him away. When we were kids. He asked me to be his first kiss and I yelled at him and shoved him away. I made him cry!”

“You were ten. I think he’s forgiven you.”

“Why?”

“Because he kissed you.”

“I mean why would he forgive me? I’m such an asshole.”

“Yura, what’s your mom like? You said you were just like her,” Yuri said.

“A loser.”

“Be more specific.”

“I don’t know what to say. She is who she is.”

“Does she hurt you?” Yuri put his hand on Viktor as he gasped. “That bruise you came here with. It was from her, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, but she doesn’t usually do that. She was extra pissed.”

“Why?”

“She didn’t want me to come to Japan.”

“She hit you because of me?” Viktor looked sick.

“She hit me because she tried to stop me from going by throwing Potya on the floor and I screamed at her. Called her nasty names and pissed her off. Not you. I knew what I was doing by losing my temper with her.”

“What does she usually do?” Yuri stared at me with the same intense eyes as always.

“Screams at me. Throws shit at me. Glasses. Pretends to be sweet sometimes so I’ll keep feeding her and giving her money.”

“She throws glasses at you? Like drinking glasses?”

“Yeah. She’s always breaking glasses in the house. Gets drunk and drops them or gets drunk and throws them.”

“That’s what you’re afraid of.”

I nodded. “Got a piece stuck in my foot once. A big piece. Doctor said I was lucky. If it had twisted any more it would have severed the tendons in my foot and likely ended my career. I have some luck at least. It only took me out for a couple weeks for the stitches to come out, but I guess it had some more side effects than I originally thought.”

Yuri nodded. “Why do you think you’re like her?”

“She blames everyone for her failure in life. Blames me. Spews her shit and her anger everywhere. If she hurts everyone else does too. Just like what you said of me.”

“Yeah you picked up a few of her behaviors, but that doesn’t make you her. And you’re trying really hard to correct that. Do you see her ever apologizing to someone for hurting them?”

“No. She’s too selfish for that.”

“And you’re not.”

“She had dreams like me too. She wanted more out of life and it didn’t happen. She got bitter and drunk. If I fail, I’ll end up just like her.”

Viktor grabbed my shoulders and made me look at him. “No, you won’t. You’re not going to fail. And even if something does happen that makes skating not happen for you you’re better than that.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t jump like a fish anymore. You keep your eyes up and looking ahead, seeing new sights. You’ve learned to love messy, lived on ice instead of clear ice no one has touched. You’ve learned to accept people around you and you even reach out to them on your own just to support them and bring them joy. That is the makings of a successful and happy man.”

“What happens when I go back to Russia? Go back to the monsters and my real life?

“If you think I’m letting you step foot in that house again, you’re mistaken. I wish you had told me sooner. I would have helped you. You know that, right?”

“I was going to ask you if I could stay with you. The night you left. I was trying to work up the courage to ask before you told me you were leaving. I asked for the quad flip instead.”

“Yurochka.” He yanked me to his chest and held me tight. “Yurochka, I’m so sorry. I’ve known for years that your home wasn’t a happy one, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. I didn’t mean to leave you in that.”

“Um, Vitya, we’re so incredibly naked right now. Please lay off of the hugging until we’re dressed.”

“Nothing’s touching. I made sure of it.” He let me go anyway. “What if you really do just stay here? Be our first student in the Katsuki Nikiforov Skating Academy?”

“I get funding from the Federation though. I couldn’t afford to skate outside of Russia.”

“You think I wouldn’t support you financially? I’m insulted. Okaasan mentioned that you and your grandpa were supporting a lot of people. How much would you need for him to retire and for you not to stress too much about winning?”

“This may be selfish of me, but I want to earn Grandpa’s retirement with my skating. I’ve worked so hard to do that and I’m almost there. I’ve been able to support us about half way the last couple of years. Once I make it in seniors this season… I’d feel like I didn’t earn it if I let you pay for it. It’d feel like failure.”

“Okay, how about I just cover your skating costs and pay you the same stipend the Federation does? Yuri, you’re okay with this plan, right?”

“Would it matter if I weren’t? I haven’t beaten that gleam in your eyes yet and I don’t think this is a fight I’m going to be picking. If I were though I might throw in a dose of reality like: how the hell are we going to have time to coach someone else? And he’s newer than us so he really does need serious coaching unlike you. And he’s volatile. He’s getting better, but he’s still so very fifteen. Throw that into the stress of us all competing together… Why am I bothering? Reality doesn’t matter. This is all a dream anyway. He’s your brother. Of course I’m okay with him staying.”

“Yuri, words cannot express how fucking perfect you are. Thank you.” Viktor grabbed him and pressed a firm kiss to his lips.

“What about Yakov? You left and with me leaving it would really make a hit to his reputation to lose his two top skaters so close together.”

“Um, Yakov texted me the day after you got here begging me to keep you. He said he wants to retire with whatever sanity he can manage to hold on to.”

Yuri started laughing. “Oh, fuck my life. I should have known that having all of my dreams come true would come with a huge price tag. Sorry, Yura. You are more than welcome. Just…”

“I know. I’m an asshole.” I smiled a little.

“No, you are just so incredibly fifteen. You really listened to us when we were having sex?” He looked like he was in pain.

I cringed. “Yeah. Sorry.” I wiped my face on my towel to clear it and hide from him.

“It was hot, right?”

“Viktor!”

“So hot. Yuri, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for everything I’ve done, but I will plead one defense. You are insanely fucking hot.”

He tried not to turn red, pressing his lips tight to hold it back, but it slowly crept up until he hung his head in embarrassment.

“That is a compelling defense. You have been found not guilty by reasoning that Yuri Katsuki is a fucking weapon of mass destruction sent to annihilate men and women across the planet.”

“And who’s pushing the fucking red button, huh?” Viktor tilted his head. “The programs you’re making him do?”

“Oh, those are his programs. I only picked the costumes.”

Yuri’s head snapped back up with a gasp and he pointed his finger at Viktor. “Viktor Nikiforov, it did not go down that way and you fucking know it.”

Viktor grinned. “Guilty as charged. By the way, Yura, it was me who made him dance on the pole too. Or rather, he did it for me.”

“Bastard. You should be sitting in a chair stroking a cat and twirling a moustache.”

“Ooh, a moustache. Mayb-”

“No!”


	11. Chapter 11

“Morning, Kaori!” I waved and she came running out to greet me with a hug. “How are your feet feeling?”

“Better.”

“That’s good. Did your mom bandage them up for you?” I lifted her onto my back and headed down the street.

“No, my brother did. My mom’s sick.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Is it serious?”

“Yeah. She’s been sick for a long time.” She squeezed my neck tighter. It choked a little, but I didn’t want to ask her to loosen her grip. I gave her a little bounce instead to lift her higher and loosen the pressure.

“I’m sorry. I hope she gets better soon.”

“She won’t. She’s not ever going to get better.” Shit. What do I say? “She’s going to die soon.” Fuck. I was so glad she couldn’t see my face and its horrible confusion at how to respond.

“I don’t know what to say so I’ll ask you. What would make you the happiest to hear from me?”

“That you’re not going back to Russia and leaving me. I don’t want to lose more people.”

“Hey, I can actually say that. I really am staying in Japan.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah. I’ve got new coaches.”

“Yes! Thank you, Coach Yura!” She squeezed my neck so hard I thought she might really kill me.

“Ugh, Kaori. Can’t breathe.”

“Oh! I’m sorry.” She loosened her grip and I coughed some air back into my lungs through my crushed throat. “My mom will be happy to hear that you’re staying too. She was happy that I had fun yesterday but then she was sad when she heard you’d be leaving. She said she’d like to meet you to say thank you for offering to coach me. If you’re staying, does that mean I’ll get to keep you for my coach?”

“Of course. As long as you work hard for me, I’ll be your coach.”

“I will! I promise!” I opened the door to the skate shop and set her down. “What’s this?”

“I’m buying you your own skates.”

“Really?!” Her face lit up into one of the prettiest sights I’ve ever seen in this world. I quickly grabbed my phone out to snap a picture. Perfect.

“Yes, really. I don’t want to waste our time fighting with rental skates.” The shopkeeper came over and started measuring her feet to find the right fit while I kept taking pictures of her ecstatic face. The world does look a whole lot better with my eyes up. The shopkeeper came out with her new skates all freshly sharpened and lying in their box and she ran her fingers over the leather.

“They’re so white. They’re beautiful. Thank you, Coach Yura. Thank you so much.” I had my camera ready for when she looked back up at me and yeah, that was an amazing feeling to put that look on her face.

“You’re so very welcome, Kaori.” The smile on my face was beginning to hurt a little from stretching so wide. “These have a little growing room, but let me know as soon as they start feeling too tight. I’ll get you new ones. Okay?” She nodded. I grabbed a few packages of nylon socks, soakers, guards, and a bag to keep everything in and went up to the counter to pay then transferred her stuff into the bag so I could still carry her and the skates. I put her on my back and the bag over my shoulder and we headed to the rink while she sang me little songs she’d learned in school. We were accosted by Viktor and his camera as soon as we walked in the door.

“So, so cute! Like, this is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life! Yuri, how do I not die from this?”

“Um… Just keep breathing?”

“Right. Trying. But it’s so cute!”

“Ugh, stop being a weirdo already.” I set her down and my phone buzzed. I opened the message and it was the photos Viktor had just taken. I smiled and he winked when I looked up. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” His phone chimed and his face lit up when he read it. “Hey, I have a quick errand to run. I’ll be right back. Don’t do anything super cute while I’m gone! Yuri, if he does something super cute anyway-”

“Yeah, yeah. Take a million pictures. Give Phichit a run for his money. Got it.” Yuri pulled him down for a quick kiss and Viktor darted off somewhere apparently very exciting.

 I started teaching Kaori how to lace up her skates. “How do they feel?”

“So good!”

“Good. They may hurt after a bit of skating the first few times you wear them. They take some time to break in.” It was still a bit early so I took her out on the ice to warm up and get used to the new skates. She had her forward stroking and her stops down in them.

“This feels so much easier!”

“Yeah, if the other ones were too big, it wobbles on your foot and makes the blade hard to control. You’re doing great. Can you try balancing on one foot? Get some speed going, hold your belly tight and just lift your knee like this.” I did a short glide across the ice. “Hold your arms out too. That helps with balance.” She made a few shaky attempts before she was able to hold it for about a meter across the ice. I gave her a thumbs up as she skated past me again, switching legs before I even told her to. “Good! Press your whole blade into the ice. You don’t want to be back on your heel or up on your toes.” She wobbled again as she rebalanced herself and then lifted her foot again for a solid glide on the ice. “Awesome! Let’s do some swizzles now. Those are easier. Just go out and in with your skates. Toes out, and pull them in so they almost touch. Bend your knees more as you push forward. Good. Just like that! Okay, try them backward. Same thing, opposite direction so this time you use your heels to push out and then in. Don’t go in too far or you’ll get tangled and fall.” She nodded and pushed hard backward on her first push.

“She’s doing amazing for her second day on the ice. She has a fantastic coach.”

I didn’t recognize the voice and I was too busy watching Kaori to bother looking up. “Yeah, she’s awesome. Coolest little girl on the planet. You remember the name Kaori Fujimoto. You’ll be hearing it on TV.”

“Then I’ll make sure she hears me cheer her on too. Davai, Kaori!” She looked over too quickly and fell but got right back up and pushed even harder. “Yeah, okay. I see it.”

I missed my chance to look up. I knew who it was and I couldn’t look up. “What did he do?”

“Huh?”

“Viktor. What did he do?”

“I’m not sure I’m following.”

“Vitya! What did you do?!” My hands trembled at my sides.

He skated self-pleased circles around me. “Oh, Yura, say hi to your new student Otabek Altin.”

“What did you do, Vitya?! Why?!”

“Really need me to answer that? Don’t be rude. Say hi.”

“I will remember this.” My teeth ground into powder in my mouth.

“Be a little gentle on him today. He hasn’t slept all night. He couldn’t sleep on the plane very well.” He put his finger to his lips and tilted his head. “Okay, I see the resemblance. Though I still favor the original. I think I’ll go get a taste of it now.” He skated off so fucking pleased with himself. I’m going to fucking kill him.

“I’m not quite sure what that means either, but I’m glad to see you again, Yura.” Why is he doing this to me? We were finally getting along. Is he getting revenge? “Um, this may have been a mistake. I’m sorry. I was under the impression that you wanted to see me. I can go.”

I glanced up and got skewered by the look in his eyes. “No. Don’t. I’m just… I want to talk to you but this isn’t the time or the place. The kids are coming in and he wants me to teach you with this hanging in the air? He’s such an asshole. And what am I supposed to teach you? You’re ahead of me now.”

“I still suck at ballet. You can teach me that.”

“Beka.” I closed my eyes as my throat started burning.

“You do remember.”

“How could I forget you, Beka? I just didn’t always know that you were Beka.”

“Yeah, that was my fault. I haven’t gone by Beka in so long, I didn’t think about the fact that that was likely the only name you would have known me by.”

The kids started flooding the ice.

“Were you too mad at me to try or did you scream until I heard you?” I forced myself to look at him for the answer.

“I screamed.” He gave me a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I was a little slow in figuring it out.”

“Beka.”

“Hey, let’s skate for now. We can talk later.”

I nodded and it took me a minute before I could start collecting my students.

“I like your pants.”

“Huh?” I’d forgotten which pants I was wearing so I looked down and of course it was the leopard print leggings. Of course it had to be this way. “Shit. Oh god. Don’t tell Yuri I said that.” I looked over at Kaori. “And don’t repeat me when I say bad words.”

“Okay, Coach Yura. I won’t.”

“It’s for a sponsor deal. There’s a newspaper coming today and I’m supposed to wear them at least five times publicly. I look like an idiot.”

“I know. He came to me too. I told him that I wasn’t cool enough to pull those off but that if there was one person who could it’d be Yuri Plisetsky. I was right. They don’t look bad on you at all.”

“Uh, thanks.”

“Have you ever seen Coach Yura skate?”

“Lots of times.”

“Doesn’t he skate like an angel?”

“Yeah, he does.” He glanced over at me and smiled.

I turned red and looked away.

“He flies on the ice. He held me yesterday and flew so I could feel it too. He’s so amazing. And he’s really really nice. He just bought me these skates.”

“Oh yeah? That is nice. Make sure you work hard and do your best to thank him.”

“I will.”

The chicken skated up to me with a scowl on his face. “You’re such a jerk.”

“What did I do this time?”

“Yesterday. In the onsen. You told him to kick me out, didn’t you?”

“I wouldn’t dare tell Yuri to do anything. He’s scary.”

“Yuri Katsuki? Scary?” Beka scrunched the side of his face.

“Never mess with Viktor. You will regret it.”

He laughed. “Okay, I can see him being the type to get defensive of someone he loves.”

“And Yuri kicked you out because he knows his shit and didn’t want to see you in pain. He’s not an asshole like we are.”

“You’re swearing in front of children!”

“Kaori and I have an understanding. And if you tell Yuri she’s going to be your coach today.”

His eyes went wide and he started backing up. “Okay okay. You don’t have to be so mean all the time.”

“Why’s he afraid of a little girl?”

“Because she’s amazing and better than he is and she schooled him so hard yesterday his ass is totally black and blue now. Hey, Chicken! Stop running away and get started on your singles. Maybe try not to fall so much today!” He sighed and started hopping across the ice. “Hop hop, little fishy! Come on, you had it at the end yesterday. Stop thinking and jump! Breathe, jump. Breathe, jump. No! You still look like a fish! Come on, I thought you were better than me! I can do these with quads!”

“What are you having him do?”

“Singles until he can do them without thinking of anything so he doesn’t hop off the ice like a damn fish.”

“Oh, that’s actually a neat exercise. Can I try it?”

“Sure.” He skated out next to the chicken and started hopping a bit. “Just feel, Beka. Don’t think. It’ll feel like you just breathe the jumps out of you when you get it right. Run a Zamboni over the ice in your mind so it’s free to put your performance up there instead of being too full of jumps and spins.” He nodded and his hops turned into flowing jumps. Now that I knew the difference, I could see what made some skaters like Viktor amazing to watch. It looks effortless and flows in a hypnotizing wave. The jumps don’t abruptly leave the ice, they stay connected to it even when in the air. “Good, Beka! Just like that! Relax your shoulders a little more but still keep it tight and go into doubles without changing that feeling! Chicken! Watch him! That’s what it’s supposed to look like! Keep it up! I’ll be right back.”

I went over to give the kids their drills and decided to give them all bunny hops. They hopped from one side of the rink to the other and back and I had to giggle a bit. Bunny hops were a completely appropriate name. I could practically see their ears flopping and their tails wiggling. So cute. Huh. I guess I really do like kids. The photographer started snapping pictures and I’m sure he got at least one that showed me grinning like a moron at these hopping bunnies. One of my bunnies kept trying to jump higher with every jump. “Hop hop, little bunnies! You’re all doing great! Keep it up. If you get tired you can switch to working on forward stroking and stops or moving backward if you’ve learned it.”

I went back to my fish and my skater. The chicken was still a fish of course, but Beka had beautiful doubles flowing over the ice. They were so easy it looked like he was having to hold them back from being triples. His legs were shaking though. “Stop, Beka!” He skated over to me, heaving and trembling. I put his arm over my shoulder so he could rest on me a bit. “That looked great.”

“Sorry. I should have been able to do more.”

“No, you didn’t sleep all night and you traveled a long way. How long was your trip?”

“About nine hours on the plane and another hour or so on the train.”

“You really came all that way at the last minute just to see me?”

He gave one quick nod, but his eyes focused on me without a single flicker in his concentration.

I didn’t know what to say so I went back to yelling at the chicken. “Hey, Chicken! Should I teach Kaori how to do singles so she can show you up too? Or better yet, I’ll teach her and then let her teach you!” I swear I heard him sob once from here. “You had it yesterday. Come on. You can do this! Breathe, jump. You’re trying too hard. It’s okay, you don’t have to impress Yuri. He’s not watching anyway.”

“You’re so mean!” Hop. Hop.

“Stop, Chicken. Come here.” He skated over to me looking as red as the puff on top of his head. “Why do you skate? Is it solely to impress Yuri?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“I like it. It’s fun to skate and it’s fun to win. You make this not fun at all.”

“Really? I had lots of fun doing it,” Beka said. “I wasn’t worried about having fun though. I was trying to listen to my coach. When I did, it became a lot more fun. I’ve never enjoyed skating more than I did just now.”

“I was the same. I struggled with this too. Viktor chased me around the ice for what felt like hours shouting, ‘Hop. Hop. Hop.’ Over and over again. He’s the one that taught me this. He’s the one who first told me about jumping like a fish because I did too. I thought he was the biggest idiot on the planet. When I stopped worrying about what an idiot he was and started trying to do it I learned how amazing it felt and how much of an idiot I was.”

“Really?” Chicken looked at me like he didn’t want to believe me.

“Yeah. I spent years fighting him and thinking he was an idiot and all that time I was missing out on something amazing. You say you want to have fun. I don’t understand that, but I do know that skating feels the best when you’re getting it right, right?” He nodded. “I’m trying to help you get it right. I know I’m an asshole. There is no doubt from anyone who meets me.”

“Except Kaori,” Beka said.

“Yeah, except her. But she will think that one day I’m sure. I’m an asshole of the highest order, but I’m not wrong and I am trying to help you. So stop worrying about how much of an asshole your coach is and try listening to him.” He nodded and went back out into his singles. He started to relax more but he fell. “You’re dropping your chest too much. Keep it up. And your eyes. Don’t look at the ice. It’s not going anywhere. Lift more! Better! Yes! Doubles! Huh, would you look at that. A skating chicken.”

Beka chuckled. “He does look like a chicken, huh?”

“Yeah, he does. Good, Chicken! Triples!” He did a few nice triples before his legs started shaking. “Stop! Good, come here!” He skated up, panting put smiling. “How did it feel? Better?”

“So much better! Thanks, Yura!” He squealed and jumped on me. It took every bit of skill I had not to send us all crashing to the ice. “That was amazing! I’ve never had so much fun skating before! Can I go show Yuri?!”

“No! You need to rest. And get off me! I’m going to fall!” Beka started to lift his arm but I grabbed it back down. “Not you. Go work on some footwork, Chicken. You’re good at that and it shouldn’t be too strenuous.”

“What?! How would you know I’m good at it? Did Yuri tell you?!”

“No, I watched one of your videos. Now get out of here, idiot!”

Beka was grinning at me.

“What?”

“You’re a really good coach. You always have been.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was the only time I saw those soldier eyes of yours soften; when you were proud of me for doing something well. Not that I saw it much with ballet, but I added you to my list of people to make proud because I wanted to see that look in your eyes more.”

“What? Why? After I hurt you?”

“I wanted you. A bit of pain and struggle on the way was no reason to give up what I wanted.”

“Beka.” I fought the tears while he hugged me tighter and rested his cheek on my head.

“Shh… not now. Your students need you.”

I nodded. “How are you feeling? Any better?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I can do more jumps right now but I can do something else.”

“Okay, what have you been struggling with?”

“My footwork still isn’t the greatest. I’m not terrible, but I could be better.”

“Yuri’s the best with footwork. Maybe you want to work with him for that?”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“No! I just wanted to give you the best to help you.”

“I’d rather stay with you if you don’t mind.”

I looked up at him. So close. “No, I don’t mind. Do you have a solid choreography worked out for next season?”

“Yeah, it’s still being updated a bit, but I have some good chunks to work with.”

“Okay then, try go through it the same as you did your jumps. I don’t think you can clear your mind if you’re still trying to remember your choreography, so don’t worry about getting the steps all right. Focus on making them flow and feeling the beats where they should shift.”

“Do you mind if I listen to my iPod?”

“Not as long as you can hear me screaming at you over it.”

“My eardrums would be broken before I got it to that level.” He smiled and skated off. I watched him for a minute then went back to my bunnies. Well, bunny. I only had one left still hopping.

“Okay, stop hopping and rest, Kaori.” I really needed to keep an eye on her. She’s likely to hurt herself before she quits. “If you feel your legs shaking, that means it’s time to stop and rest, okay? I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“But if I stop, I won’t be working my hardest.”

“Well, I want you to work hard, yes. But I want you to be smart too. Injured skaters can’t skate, okay? Work your hardest up to when your body says it’s time to quit and then give it a rest. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“I’m going to move you to Rikona and Maiko’s group.” She followed me over and I demonstrated how to do the backward stroking then left them to it. I gave the rest of the kids their assignments and watched to make sure they had them. Axel was starting to look like she was really enjoying herself even without her sisters. I guess having cute boys to kiss is a good distraction. I tried distracting myself with a cute boy too but it hadn’t worked. I don’t think I’m the type to be solely attracted by looks though. If I were, I might have had a crush on Viktor. I shuddered at the thought. He was objectively the most good-looking person I’ve ever seen, but I found Yuri hotter because his type of strength was massively attractive. Otabek as a random guy held no special interest for me, but Beka, the kind, strong boy who understood me and did hold up his promise to bring honor and pride to those he cares about, was overwhelmingly hot. It was that quiet strength that I found attractive. Just think about kissing him. Does my body say yes please or hell no? Oops. I lost a skater. That’ll have to wait. I skated over to Rikona laying on the ice and crying. Shit. Correction. I like kids who aren’t crying. I suck at crying people.

“Um, get up, Rikona. It’s okay. You remember how, right?”

“I can teach her!”

“Thanks, Kaori, but I think your style of teaching might be too much for her.” She looked at me confused so I leaned down to whisper in her ear. “Not everyone is as tough as you.”

“Oh.”

Or am I underestimating her? How do you tell the difference? I know how to work with the Kaori’s of the world all day long but the chickens and the Rikonas are more of a challenge. Yakov had one setting and that was to scream you into greatness. You either did or you didn’t. He didn’t care much either way. That seemed to be more my style, but looking at this girl on the ice, I didn’t have the heart to scream at her. I hated weakness though. Was there a way to strengthen her without being a complete asshole? What if she was someone who needed to lean on someone else’s confidence? Isn’t that what I did with Viktor to walk barefoot? I think Rikona and I have more in common that I thought. Okay. Fake it.

“Get up, Rikona.” She sniffled as she looked up at me. “You’ve got this. You’re probably shaking right now, but that’s okay. You can get up anyway.” I offered my hand and she took it to pull herself up. “Good, Rikona. When it’s too much for you, focus on doing the smallest amount possible. You don’t have to do everything right off. If you’re too scared to skate, just stand up. Even if you have to take the smallest step, take it anyway. Take enough of them and you’ll get there. Where do you feel the shaking the hardest right now?” She pointed to the spot just below her ribcage between her stomach and her chest. I pressed my hand to it. “Oh, that is shaking a lot. That’s okay. You’re really tense right here, you’re curling yourself forward. Relax and let the shaking move out all over your body. Don’t worry; it gets weaker as it moves out. Take some deep breaths and relax here.” I tapped the spot and as she breathed I pushed her shoulders up to lift her chest. “Better. You always want to keep your chest lifted so you can’t tighten here. It will pull your chest down and throw you forward making it hard to balance.” I reorganized her position and her shaking started to settle. “Good. You can skate even with the shaking. Let’s take a few steps forward, focus on holding this position and keeping that spot relaxed.” She nodded and I took her hands as she skated forward. “Good. Now skate backward.” She tightened right back up. “Breathe, relax. One step at a time. You’ve got this.” She pushed back and then stopped. “Good. Next foot.” Back again and stop. We went back and forth across the rink until she started to keep that relaxed balance even without me holding her hands. “There you go. That’s your drill. Back and forth just like that holding this position and keeping your shake spot relaxed.”

I felt an unusual number of eyes on me and I turned around to see Viktor, Yuri, and Beka all look back to their tasks at once. Viktor couldn’t restrain himself and came over to grin at me like an idiot. “I don’t want you fucking up my ice. I don’t want to go to Japan. I don’t want to coach. I don’t want to talk to Otabek. You just have no idea what you want, do you?”

“Shut up, asshole. I’m still mad at you.”

“Are you? Cause you looked pretty cozy with him earlier. Just sayin’.” He twirled and skated back to his group.

I gave the rest of the kids their new drills and went to my chicken and Beka. “Coach Yura! Did you see? My footwork is getting awesome! I used what you said about the jumps and it was so fun!” The chicken bounced across the ice toward me.

“I didn’t see. Show me.”

“Okay! Are you watching?” I nodded and he moved into some pretty impressive footwork that looked like he was tap dancing.

“Nice! Flow that into a double, don’t think, just do!” He actually followed my instructions and while his jump had a hoppy quality to it, it fit well with his step sequence and the transition was seamless. “Good! Step sequence again and into a triple!” He went for it again and the triple loop looked a little less hoppy than the double did. “You’ve got it! Finally! Take a break.”

He came over and flung himself on me but at least he was a lot lighter than Viktor. Seriously, do I look fucking huggable? Oh. I guess I do when I’m not scowling. And it’d be hard to take a guy in leopard print leggings seriously. “Yura! You’re the best coach ever! I felt like I was just dancing through all of it, even the jumps! I always hated the jumps because they felt too hard, but now they feel amazing!”

“Uh, good. I’m glad you’re happy with your progress.” I patted the top of his head, unsure of what else I was supposed to do in this situation. Beka looked over and chuckled to himself. “It’s almost the end of class so why don’t you go cool down.”

“Okay! I wonder if Yuri saw me today.” He went off biting his knuckles and squealing. Weirdest kid ever. Whatever.

“Hey, Beka, how’s it going?”

“Good. I like your teaching methods.”

“I can’t take credit for it. It’s Viktor with a splash of Yuri. The only thing that’s all mine is the asshole part.”

He tilted his head. “Huh. Yura’s a little different from how I remember.”

“Yeah? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I think it’s a good thing.”

“Hey, can you do spread eagles?”

“Uh, no. I’m nowhere near flexible enough for that. I used to be able to do them a bit, but not anymore.”

“Really? That’s too bad. They’d look good on you. I wonder if Yuri knows how to make someone more flexible.”

He shuddered. “Yura, you’ve already nearly killed me with that. Please, no.”

“You know what that sounds like to me?” The corner of my mouth pulled into a smile. “Quitting.” His serious expression got even darker. “What about hydroblading?” He shook his head. “I’d love to see you do more multileveled stuff. You’re very upright and determined and that’s great, but I think after a few seasons people will get bored of only that.”

“What did you have in mind?”

I skated a few circles around him to warm up just a bit more and went into the step sequence that came from my breakdancing routine taking low, wide steps around the ice and dropping down even more into a stretched out hydroblade with my fingertips on the ice anchoring the spin then up into a spread eagle and into a triple axel. I came back to face him.

“Woah. That’s awesome. I’d never be able to do that though.”

“Of course you could. The Beka I know doesn’t quit just because it’s hard.”

“It’s not just hard; it’s impossible for me to bend like that.”

“I’m not willing to accept that answer but go rest for right now. Have you eaten anything lately?” He shook his head. “Okay, go sit on the bench. I’ll get you something.” I skated over to my kids. “Hey guys, awesome job today. You all looked great. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Hey, Coach Yura,” Rikona looked up at me with a shy smile. “Thanks. You made me feel a lot better.”

“I’m really glad to hear that. Just keep going one step at a time and you’ll get there.” She waved and smiled brightly as she skated off.

A heavy arm was thrown over my shoulders. “Aww… My little brother is growing up so fast. I really am impressed. You handled her a lot better than I expected. Probably better than I would. I suck with crying people.”

“Yeah I don’t think hitting her in the head would have worked.”

“Psh, made you stop. So how’s it going with Beka?”

“I don’t know yet. I’m going to go ask Yuuko for some food for him.”

“He might like coffee too. She usually has some around for me and Yuri.”

I nodded and went to find Kaori. “You’re staying again, right?” She nodded. “Did you bring a lunch or do you need one?”

“I brought one this time.”

“Okay. Go sit with Beka and take off your skates. He can help you if you have a problem.”

“Okay.”

I came back over to them with some food and a coffee for Beka. He took it with a grateful smile and started downing the coffee. “Tired?”

“Just a bit.”

“Let me know if you want more. I’ll get you some.” I went to grab my lunch and the reporter stopped me to ask a few boring questions. I answered as nicely as I could, which was a little better than my old personal best on that front, and he and the photographer headed out the door.

Kaori was studying Beka intently as she ate. “Are you Coach Yura’s fiancé?”

We both started choking on our rice. “No! Nothing like that! What gave you that idea?!” My voice screeched in its panic. I couldn’t tell if Beka was still trying to clear his throat or if he actually flinched.

“Oh, just that he was hugging you like Coach Viktor and Coach Yuri do a lot.”

“I was just helping him like how I carried you when your feet hurt.”

“Oh, okay.”

Change the fucking subject. “Hey, Yuri, you know the human body pretty well, do you have any tricks for making someone horribly inflexible, flexible?”

“Yeah, actually, I do.”

Now Beka was definitely flinching.

“Do you think you could help Beka? I want to see him do some new skills but he needs more flexibility for them.”

“Sure. Let’s do it after lunch. Then I can work with you on the flips on the ground before we skate.”

“Flips?” Beka asked.

“Oh my god. Yesterday. Yuri. Just… insane. He did this somersault flip into a front handspring on ice. It was awesome. He’s going to teach me.”

“Yura, do you really think that’s going to be a good use of time?” Viktor asked. “It’s just for an exhibition and it’s both high risk and difficult to learn. I think it’d be best if you wait until you’ve at least had a career before you risk yourself like that.”

“Why do you sound like an old man all of a sudden, old man? Didn’t you teach me the quad flip well before Yakov would have considered it safe?”

“Well, that was a calculated risk and at least it has a real benefit to your career. Plus, I was feeling a bit sentimental that night. Please don’t be fifteen right now and listen to me.”

“Hey, I shouldn’t have to hold myself back just because you’re scared.”

“I’m thinking of your career for the long term. How stupid would you feel if you got injured on this before you even get to compete in seniors?”

“I think you’re just scared of me getting hurt.”

“So what if I am? Is that not a valid reason? It’s just an exhibition. You don’t prove yourself with those. You just have fun. I mean, Plyushchenko skated with fake muscles to “Sex Bomb” and then did it again in a diaper and pigtails.”

“Yura, your exhibition is already really awesome. I don’t think you need to do something your coach thinks is risky,” Beka said.

“Only one of my coaches thinks it is.”

“Sorry, Yura. I agree with him.”

“Of course you do. You’d never not defend him no matter how wrong he is or even if you disagree. You were willing just a few minutes ago.”

“Yeah, I was until Viktor pointed out a really valid argument against it. You really want to teach Kaori how to argue with her coach how you are right now?”

“This is different!”

“No it’s not. Think about what you’re doing, Yura. You’re falling back into old habits. What are you stressed about?”

“Nothing other than Viktor putting his own issues on me! I don’t have to put up with this. I’ll just go back to Russia.”

Yuri stood up and yanked me off the bench. “Let’s go. Now.”

“Hey! Let me go!”

“No.” He shoved my back to keep me walking in front of him until we got back into the locker room where he grabbed my arm and spun me back around. “How dare you?!”

“How dare I, what?”

“Don’t give me that shit. You know exactly what you did. Not knowing and hurting someone is an accident. Using someone’s trust in you with their vulnerabilities to win an argument is beyond despicable.”

“I don’t even know what that word means.”

“Awful. Terrible. Horrible. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you threaten to leave him? You claim to love him but at the first disagreement, you go straight for the throat.”

“Well, his issues aren’t my problem.”

“Yeah, they fucking are. When you love someone and have them as part of your life their issues are your issues. That’s the way it fucking works. What if we were mad at you about something and we took your shoes off and left you somewhere to walk without them? That’d be exactly what you just did to Viktor. I was never paranoid about cars before him, but now I am because I know what that would do to him. I never asked for permission to try a difficult jump but now I do because if he tells me that he’s feeling too vulnerable to handle it, I don’t fucking do it. I have a habit of leaving during fights because I don’t like this side of myself and try to leave before it comes out, but I stay and fight now because leaving is the worst thing in the world I can do to him if he has any doubt that I’ll return. His issues are my issues because I love him. Your issues are his issues because he loves you. That’s the way love fucking works! So, don’t you dare claim to love him one day and then stab him in the heart the next with those words and claim that it’s not your fucking problem if he’s bleeding.”

“So what, you just have to let his issues determine your life?”

“No. If he’s being irrational about something, I tell him that and help him through it. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not his simpering fiancé who cowers at his feet.”

“Well, when it comes to his issues you certainly do.”

“You know his issues had very little to do with what he said? Don’t dismiss him just because you know he does have a fear of you getting injured. Listen to his words before you decide if he’s being irrational or if maybe, just maybe, he has a fucking point. We do have a limited amount of time to train. It was hard enough training the both of us and adding you on is like having to double the work we did before. And that’s without having to deal with your issues. It is just an exhibition and has no real value to your career. It’s a vanity project. Why would you want to waste so much time and risk so much on something that doesn’t really matter?”

“You did it.”

“Yeah, I already had a lot of experience doing that off ice. And I’m not a rookie.”

“Really? You certainly fall like one.”

“Yeah, not because I don’t know how to land the jumps. My performance has always been affected by my anxiety. You’ve trained alongside me for just over two weeks now watching me flub my jumps like I did before Viktor. And what was happening during those two weeks?... No smartass comment now? Maybe because you turned your brain back on? I’ve been terrified for my fiancé’s life while also having to deal with your shit. And, oh yeah, my dog died. So yeah, I’ve been falling. Things were finally getting better and how many jumps did I flub yesterday before I tried the flip? Right. None. I’ve been skating longer than you’ve been alive. I know how to skate. Don’t confuse my mental state with my ability. The only person ranked higher than me in the world right now is Viktor Nikiforov. You have the top two skaters as your coaches who also happen to love you telling you that something just isn’t a good idea and you act like a teenage brat instead of listening to them?”

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

“I am not Yakov. I don’t have the time or the patience to let you keep acting like a brat and letting you just get off with an angry lecture. We can’t coach someone who won’t listen and wastes our time. Viktor and I have careers to worry about too. I won’t let you damage them and I sure as fuck won’t let you damage him. So, the next time I ask you what you’re stressed about that’s your cue to back the fuck off and maybe answer the damn question before you start something you can’t finish.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes and scrubbed his hand through his hair. “So, what are you stressed about? Is it Otabek?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Viktor just shoved him in my face before I even had a chance to think about what happened.”

“Yeah, I can see how you’d be upset by that. I helped him, just so you know. I probably should have tried harder to keep this idea in check but he wasn’t trying to upset you. He’s trying to make you happy.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Do you want me to make him leave so you can think about it before you face him?”

“No! I… want him here.”

“Maybe just a break then? Give you a minute to clear your head? I can take him to the mats and do some stretches with him and you can come over when you’re ready to see him?”

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks.”

“Sure. Next time you want to talk, just ask, okay? When you start getting angry, that’s usually because something’s on your mind and instead of talking about it you try to shove it away under the anger and snide comments. That’s a result of your mom. Don’t let her have that kind of power over you. Reach out to the people you trust even if we’re the ones who pissed you off.”

“I did tell Viktor that I was pissed at him but he didn’t really care.”

“He did care, he just knows he often gets backlash for his ideas. He’s used to ignoring the initial grumblings but if you really are upset by it and you ask to talk to him about it, he will take you seriously. Sorry, that’s mainly my fault. He knows I complain but don’t really mean it most of the time so if I’m genuinely upset I have to specify that. But it still doesn’t make it right for you to hurt him that deeply.”

“I know.”

“You’re apologizing to him you know. And you should apologize to Kaori too. Beka, but you already know that one.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry, Yuri. I am trying.”

“I know you are. You can wait here a minute. I’ll grab Beka.”

“Hey, Yuri?”

“Yeah?”

“What do I do about him?”

“Whatever you want as long as that’s not treating him like dirt.”

I kicked at the ground as I tried to blink away the tears.

His arms suddenly wrapped around me. “I’m sorry. I should have known that was taking it a step too far. I knew that you felt bad about hurting him already.”

I clutched at his jacket trying to decide if I wanted to pull him closer or not. “How do I know if I actually want him or if I just want him as a distraction from you?”

He let me go and studied me with a look that was a little softer than his usual intense stare. “I actually know quite a bit about that situation. I was irrationally in love with Viktor before I met him. I wanted to find someone who could make me forget him but with every boy I met, it was always his name just behind theirs waiting to overtake it. His eyes that made theirs look disappointing. Viktor was behind every single one of those boys taunting me, telling me that there was no one who came close. I still don’t know if I was just insane and really really lucky or if I was sensing my soulmate calling me to him, but either way, there was no question about who I really wanted. How many times today when talking to him did you think of me?”

“Just to wonder if you could help him.”

“Yeah, you’re fine. If you feel something for him it’s probably genuine. And you knew him before you knew me. If any of those feelings from childhood are still the same, I’d trust them.”

“Can you love someone when you’re ten?”

“Did you love Beka?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you if it’s possible that what I felt was love.”

“I can’t tell you what you felt. Those memories are starting to come back?”

“Yeah. A lot of them.”

“And? Did you love Beka?”

“… If it’s possible…”

“Don’t worry about what’s possible and what’s not. Nothing is more blinding that being too sure of what’s possible. Did you love Beka?”

“… Yeah. I loved him.”

“Then it’s possible.”

“But I forgot him! How could I forget him if I love him?”

“Yura… make note of what word you just used now.”

“Huh?”

“You said you love him. Not loved. Interpret that how you wish. Don’t overthink things. You love making everything more complicated than it needs to be by trying to think your way through everything and ignoring what your heart is telling you it needs until you’re all twisted up and angry and alone. Some things need to be answered by your heart. Otabek is one of them. Go with what feels true and right and it may not be perfect, but it will still be the best answer.”

“Thanks, Yuri.”

“Anytime. But without the asshole part first, please? I’m begging you. You have no idea how thin my grasp on my sanity is.” He pressed a frustrated kiss to my forehead and walked out of the locker room.

I waited another minute before I went out where Viktor was hugging Kaori on the bench petting her hair as she sobbed into his chest. What the fuck did I do? Viktor glared up at me as I got closer.

“I tried telling her that you didn’t mean it, but I don’t think she believes it coming from me.” He switched to Russian. “She kept saying something about her mom?”

I nodded and tears spilled down my cheeks. “Her mom is sick.”

“Is it bad?”

“She’s dying.”

“Yura.” He gasped with the force of all that disappointment hitting him and only one word was big enough to contain it. My name.

I switched back to English. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry to both of you. I was only thinking of what I wanted. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m so sorry, Viktor. I hurt you again and this time I knew I was doing it.” I sat down next to Kaori and put my hand on her back. “I’m sorry, Kaori. I’m not going anywhere. I just got angry and said mean things without thinking about them first. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have just listened to my coaches in the first place. They were looking out for me and I wasn’t being as smart as you about listening to them.”

“I can’t… stop crying. It hurts.” She looked at me, pain carved all over her face. Oh god. What the fuck did I do? I offered her my arms and she threw herself in them. I held her tight and pressed my soaked cheek to her hair.

“I’m so sorry, Kaori. I didn’t mean it. I swear. I’m not going anywhere. Just try to take slower breaths. You’re breathing too fast. Slower.” I ran my hand slowly down her back trying to calm her down. After a few passes her breath started to slow and clear. “That’s better. Just breathe. I’m right here and that’s where I’m staying. Just focus on your breathing. Nice and slow. I’m sorry, Kaori. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t realize how much my words were going to hurt you, but I should have. I knew enough that I should have guessed that you’d be hurt just like my brother was. It was so wrong of me and I’m so so sorry. I really didn’t mean it. I would never want to go back to Russia if I have the choice to stay here. Japan is filled with wonderful people who look out for you and support you and I want to stay here to learn from them. I promise, I’ll never say anything like that again. What can I do to make it up to you?”

“Stay.”

“I will. I have an idea. Do you want to fly on the ice again?” She nodded. “Okay, you have to stop crying first and then I’ll take you.”

“Okay.” She started sniffling and I handed her some tissues.

“Yura, I’m not going to yell at you because you already know what you did, but if you cause my Yuri any more stress like this, we’ll be having a talk next. I thought I told you yesterday how bad it makes me feel to put him through so much because of my issues. I don’t need you adding to that.”

“I know. I’ll try harder.”

“Yuri mentioned that you were upset about me bringing Otabek out. I’m sorry. I maybe should have let you handle that on your own. I just wanted you to be happy and it seemed like Otabek might be someone who could help with that.”

“I’m glad to see him, it was just stressful having him suddenly there and we couldn’t really sit down and talk about things.”

“Yeah I should have considered that. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” I wiped my face on my sleeve so I could talk easier. “I was happy to see him. I just… freaked out. How are you feeling, Kaori?”

“Better.”

“Ready to fly?” She nodded and I grabbed another tissue to wipe her face some more before we stepped onto the ice. She rested her head on my shoulder as we skated around the rink. She looked content, but not ecstatic like yesterday. “Kaori?” She looked up at me. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying with you and I’m going to coach you for as long as you want me to. I promise.” She smiled and nodded and rested her head back on my shoulder. I could tell that she was still hurting despite my promises to stay. I was so used to Viktor and how he bounces back from everything with barely a shrug of his shoulders, but he didn’t really, did he? He was fake. An actor like my mom. Only he didn’t act to get his way. He acted to protect us from his pain. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this bad over someone else’s pain. Yuri and Viktor let me off easy. Kaori was going to teach me this lesson until I was bruised to every inch.

“Do you feel like skating some more yourself?”

“Can I?”

“Yeah, if you want to. I’ll take the day off from practice today and I can coach you some more as long as your feet don’t hurt too bad.”

“Won’t you get in trouble with your coaches for not practicing?”

“I don’t know. I’ll ask them if it’s okay. If they say yes, do you want to?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, let’s go ask.” I skated over to Viktor. “Hey, Vitya, I wanted to coach Kaori some more today. Can I skip the afternoon practice? I’ll work extra hard tomorrow to make up for it.”

“Yeah. That’s fine with me.”

“Should I check with Yuri too?”

“No. It’s okay. I’m sure he’d be fine with it and if he’s not, I’ll take the heat. Go take care of her.”

“Thanks, Coach.” I set Kaori down off the ice and went over to the bench to take off my skates. “Since you already have your skates off, I’m going to teach you how to stretch before we go back out there. Stretching is really important because that lets your body be free to move in any way that you want it to.” I put my shoes back on and we went over to where Yuri was stretching out Beka. Yuri looked up at me, clearly pissed off again after seeing what I’d done to Kaori. He was going to be furious when Viktor told him what I knew before I said those stupid words. I had nothing to say but ducking my head in shame.

Beka looked absolutely miserable but Yuri had him moving in a range of motion that looked well past his limits. “Hey, he’s not breaking you, is he?”

“I’m not certain of that just yet. I’ve never stretched this far in my life. He has some voodoo or something. I don’t know what he’s doing. If you hear something snap, please call an ambulance.”

“I won’t break you. I promise.”

“Are you sure? I am your competition and it seems like it’d be the easiest thing in the world for you to snap my leg off right now.”

“You haven’t messed with Viktor, right?” I asked.

“No.”

“Then you’re safe.” Yuri started counting down from six then shoved his leg back even further. Beka looked both shocked and like he might cry. “What exactly are you doing?”

“It’s called PNF stretching. Basically, you stretch the muscle to its limit, contract it, then stretch further. There’s different techniques for doing it. I’m using isometric contraction right now meaning that he pushes against my hand to contract the muscle without moving it. Okay, Otabek. Relax for just a second.”

“Oh, thank god.” Yuri let him bring his leg down a little but didn’t release it fully.

“Are you in a lot of pain?” I asked.

“No, not really. It just feels really intense. Stretching voodoo is what this is.”

Yuri laughed. “Not voodoo. Just understanding how the human body works. When you stretch, there’s little receptors that send a signal saying, ‘don’t stretch any more or the muscle might tear’. By contracting it, you reset these receptors so they’ll allow you to stretch more.”

“Wait. If it’s trying to stop my muscle from tearing, isn’t it bad to go further?”

“It can be if you’re not careful, but the body is very conservative in what it wants to allow. It would rather err on the side of not tearing the muscle.”

“Yeah I’d like to err on that side too.”

“But you’re an athlete. Pushing the limits of your body is part of the game. Don’t worry, it’s actually very safe as long as you don’t overdo it. Warm up first, don’t do it closer than forty-eight hours apart, not within twenty-four hours of a competition, and no more than five reps per muscle group. Speaking of, that’s enough rest.” He pushed Beka’s leg back toward his chest while he made little whimpering sounds. Yuri started counting down from ten, then from six, and then shoved his leg back several more inches.

“I was going to help Kaori stretch. Is that something I could learn for her?”

“I can teach you on him, but not for her. It shouldn’t be done on those under eighteen.”

“I’m under eighteen!”

“Barely. A few months isn’t going to make that much of a difference. Kids usually don’t need this anyway. They stretch pretty easy on their own. Okay, we’re done with this stretch. I’ll have Yura help with the next.” He brought his leg down and Beka heaved on the mat.

“My legs feel like they’re not even there. I still have legs, right, Yura?”

“Yeah, you’re fine. Still a baby about stretching though.” He looked up and I gave him a small smile.

“You’re just brutal. I thought you were bad on your own. Now you have reinforcements. You’re right. Yuri is scary.”

“I scare you?” Yuri look at me with his eyes wide behind his glasses. “I’m sorry. I know I lose my temper with you sometimes, but I didn’t realize you were scared of me.”

“No. I deserve every bit of what you give me and then some. I’ll take a thousand of your lectures if it will undo what I did to them.”

“Sorry, you can’t undo things. Just learn from them and try to do better. Come here, he’s ready for more.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Shut up, you big baby.” I smiled and nudged his side with my toe. “And is it okay if you teach me tomorrow? I don’t want to make Kaori wait.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. It won’t be tomorrow though. The day after.”

“Oh, right.”

He pushed Beka’s legs up into the butterfly position. “Wow, you really are bad. Your knees are like twenty centimeters off the ground. Okay, maybe not quite that much, but still. I’m impressed you can skate as well as you do with such a limited range of motion.”

“I just play to my strengths.”

“That’s great, but don’t limit yourself just because you think you can’t do something.”

I sat Kaori next to Otabek and she looked over at him a little worried. He smiled at her. “Don’t worry. It’s not that bad. I’m just a baby about it like he said. You’re strong. Anyone who can get up from falls like you do can handle stretching no problem.” Mila liked to say that her ovaries just exploded when she sees something cute like that. I didn’t have ovaries, but they just fucking exploded.

I held down one of her legs and pushed the other up toward her chest. Being a child, she already had decent flexibility. I pushed and her leg went almost to her chest. “How’s that? It should hurt a little, but not too much.”

“Yeah, this is fine. You can push harder if you want.” I pushed until I saw her face wince just a bit and held it there. “Yeah, this isn’t bad at all. You really aren’t that good at stretching, are you?”

“A fact that I think Yuri is determined to rip out of my body.” Yuri had started shoving his knees to the ground as hard as he could. “Are you sure you don’t hate me?”

“Well, you were sadistic enough to choose breakdancing for a drunk person. I may be enjoying myself just a little here.”

“Oh, you know about that?”

“Yeah Yura told me.”

“He was talking about me?” Beka glanced at me with a small smile.

“Um, not- a- um… Focus on your breathing so you relax more.”

“Hey! You left Yuri at a loss for words. I haven’t seen that before.”

“Really? Happens all the time. Or it used to… wow. I really am different since I met Viktor. I never really noticed.”

“Yeah, your sister laughed at me when I said that you always seem confident.”

“For very good reason. She must have thought you lost your da- oops. Mind. Lost your mind.”

“Almost had to do suicides there.” I started stretching myself having Kaori copy me so she’d know how to do them on her own. I stretched my arms up overhead and fell forward onto my knees. She smiled as she turned to look at me to see if she was getting it right.

“Yeah, they’re easy though. I’ll have to come up with my own. Yakov is a little soft on you guys.”

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Beka’s eyes went huge. “Training with Yakov was the worst three months of my life. Yura was the only thing that made me survive it.” Yeah, until I fucking hurt him. “I remember when you were so soft and shy. Viktor’s created a monster.”

“Yeah, I have. And I love it.” He grabbed Yuri’s head to pull him up for a kiss then sat down next to him and started stretching.

“Isn’t he your coach too? You did hear the part about him saying Yakov was too soft and that he was going to come up with his own suicide drills, right?” Beka asked.

“He didn’t say that.”

“Oh, I did. Yakov’s drills aren’t very skill intensive and we can do more effective conditioning than that off the ice. And there’s no time limit so it’s too easy to slack off and chat during them.”

“Did I make you mad somehow, my love?”

“Why does everyone think I’m mad at them for pushing them? I want to beat Viktor Nikiforov at his absolute best. You remember our deal, right?”

“Of course. And I promised to work hard for you so I will.”

He turned back to kiss him. “Thank you. At least one of my students isn’t a huge pain in my butt.”

“Well, he does get more incentive to obey you,” Beka said.

“Oh god do I.”

“Viktor!”

“I’m being subtle.”

“Yeah we know that isn’t going to last long. I’m taking this girl to go skate before you corrupt her poor little ears. And eyes. Um, Beka, do you want to come skate with us or train with Yuri and Viktor or rest or…”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to do any intensive training after Yuri’s through with his torture. I’ll come skate with you and the sweet Kaori if she doesn’t mind me intruding on her training.”

She giggled. “You can skate with us.”

“Okay, meet us out there then when you’re done here.” I helped her get her skates back on and started warming her back up on the ice. She had her forward stroking, stops, and swizzles down pretty well so we were starting on backward stroking when Beka came over. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Um… free. It’s strange. Feels pretty good actually.” He started skating around in large, loose crossovers and went into a huge quad that soared over the ice. His eyes were wide when he landed it. “Woah. I was only planning on a triple.”

“Seriously?! That was huge!” I looked over at Kaori. “Did you see that?!”

“Yeah! That was awesome!”

“What did Yuri do to me?”

“I dunno. Yuri stuff. Yuri! Did you just see what you did to him?!”

He skated over along with Viktor. “Yeah, that was an impressive jump.”

“I was only trying for a triple. It felt so easy.”

“What’s your training regimen right now?”

“I skate about five hours a day, six days a week broken up morning and afternoon. I run for about an hour and lift weights another two. I also do off-ice drills in the morning for about an hour.”

“And stretching, massage, anything that relaxes muscles?”

“Minimal stretching.”

“That’s a whole lot of muscle contraction and very little relaxation… Have you been getting fatigued quicker lately? Feeling the burn in your muscles sooner?”

“Yeah, maybe the last couple of weeks.”

“Feeling stiffer than usual?”

“Um, maybe. I don’t focus on a lot of range of motion so it’s hard to say for that one.”

“Not an official diagnosis, but it seems like your muscles are overloaded. It’s kind of like overtraining, but it’s not just fatigue and just rest won’t fix it. The repair cycle in the muscles gets overworked and it stops putting down new muscle cells and instead puts down scar tissue. I think you’re in the early stages of it with hypertonicity if the stretching helped this much, but if you continue without changing your training and treating the condition they’ll move into a state of hypotonicity, muscle weakness, and you’ll really notice decreased performance as well as being very susceptible to injury.

What you noticed now is that I just got your muscles relaxed and flooded the fibers with fresh blood and oxygen and washed out the acid build up. They’ve had an actual rest finally and so now they can contract with all the strength they’re capable of. That won’t last though if you don’t change what you’re doing. You absolutely need deep stretching and more focus on relaxing your muscles when you’re not working them. And to move out of the overloaded state, you need regular massages, as often as you can get them the better, and you need to back off your training for a bit until your body moves out of the destructive cycle. When you do go back to hard training, you need to vary the intensity more. You’ll end up with better strength gains and prevent this from happening again. I can write something down for you.”

“Really? Thanks, man. That’s really cool of you. It sounds like I got really lucky getting a chance to have you help me like this. You have quite an encyclopedic knowledge of this stuff.”

“I was going to college for it and I like it in general. It’s a fun hobby for me trying to unlock the secrets to the human body to make use of any bit of talent I had. And yeah, a few more weeks or months of that and you would be in serious trouble competitively. Your coach is a bit old-school I’m guessing?”

“Yeah. He fits me well stylistically, but I guess he’s lacking in some areas.”

“Traditions are great, but not at the expense of learning new things. Some of the older coaches have a hard time with updating their techniques. If you meet some resistance from your coach in changing your training, let me know and I’ll send him some research that might help change his opinion.”

“So, you really are a nerd then,” I said. “I’d been wondering if those glasses were just for decoration.”

“Seriously? You sleep in my room. How could I be anything but a nerd?”

“Um… You share a room with them?” Beka asked.

“God no! Well, once, but no. I sleep in his old room. I’d explain further, but it will be so much better to just show you.”

“You’re inviting me to your room?” Beka smiled just a bit.

“To see what we’re talking about! Let’s get back to training. Okay, Kaori, let’s do some more one-foot glides. You need more speed.” Viktor and Yuri grinned at each other then skated off to the other end of the ice.

“You also need to lean a bit more to your outside edge, little ice princess.” We both looked up at him with slightly stunned expressions then she giggled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude on your coaching.”

“No, that’s fine with me as long as Kaori doesn’t mind.” She shook her head. “I was just a little surprised by… how you… um. Sweet?”

“You think I can’t be sweet? I can be very sweet, suyiktim.” His smile just lifted one corner of his mouth, but his eyes warmed it into a deeply genuine expression.

I blushed and stared at my skates then skated closer to Kaori making drawings around her. She watched me in fascination as she kept trying to balance longer. “How do you do that?”

“Well, it’s actually what you’re doing right now, gliding on one foot. I just turn around. There’s different turns, but the first one you learn is usually a three turn. You glide on your outside edge on a circle like this.” I demonstrated for her. “And then twist and flip to the inside edge and continue backward. Like this.” I flipped around and slid back on the circle. “You want to press on the outside of your heel with your knee bent, rise up onto the ball of your foot to turn then sink back onto your heel but this time to the inside of it. Do you want to try it?”

“Yeah!”

“Okay, it’s a little advanced for you so I’ll hold your hands the first few times.”

“No. I’ll try it on my own.”

“Are you sure?”

“Falling is a part of skating, right?”

I smiled. “Right.”

“And I want to skate so it’s okay if I fall. It’s not my favorite part of skating, but it’s okay.”

“Okay then, go for it.” She tried the turn, but her second foot hit the ice as she turned. “That’s okay, go for it again. Remember, bent knee, outside heel, rise up ball of foot, and bend your knee again to the inside heel and the faster you go, the easier it is.” I could see her determination to keep her foot up this time as she pinned it to her ankle. She flipped around but fell on the back glide. “Almost!” She was back on her feet and trying it again before the word was out of my mouth. She flipped around then kicked her free leg up and spread her arms wide just like she’d seen me doing as she slid back. “Yeah, Kaori! Awesome job!” She came over to give me a hug.

“I was wrong. She’s no ice princess, she’s an ice tiger just like her coach. She had the same soldier’s eyes when she got up from that fall. Little ice tiger, why do you skate?”

“My mom used to skate when she was a girl and she felt bad that I wouldn’t be able to skate like she did because she was too sick. She was so happy to hear about this camp and said that she wanted to see me skate before she died. I’m trying to learn as fast as I can so I can skate pretty for her before it’s too late.”

She reduced both Beka and I to tears and then Viktor and Yuri too when they came over to see what the commotion was and she repeated her story. How could I have hurt this girl like that? Kaori really was the most brutal of teachers. I almost felt like running from her like the chicken had, but instead I scooped her up. “I promise I will teach you my very best so you can do that. We can put on a performance for her with all of us and you as the main event. Would you like that?”

“Yeah!”

“Sorry, I volunteered you guys.”

“Nope we volunteer. We so volunteer.” Yuri wiped his face on his sleeve. “How… how much time do we have?”

“I’ll ask when I drop her off today.”

“Your shoes…”

“I’ll do it.”

“Ask her for her favorite songs too,” Viktor said. “We’ll need five songs, six if Beka wants to stay and be a part of this too.”

“If it’s okay with Yura and you guys don’t mind me training with you, I’d love to.”

“Of course I want you to stay. Six though?”

“I thought a pairs skate with you and Kaori might be nice.”

“Oh. Yeah it would. Okay if we’re doing this we need to get to work. We’re going to rip past a whole bunch of stages with you, Kaori. If I need to I’ll fill in any holes in your training later. I’ll pick you up early every morning from now on so we can train together before your class.”

“Yura, one second over here, please.” Viktor waved me over and I cringed thinking I’d done something wrong. “Try to talk to her without Kaori there and ask her if there’s any treatments anywhere in the world which could be done with the right resources. I don’t want Kaori to get her hopes up, but if there’s something that might help her and she just can’t afford it, tell her someone has it taken care of and to book the appointment and send the bill to Yu-topia addressed to B.”

“Really? That’s really nice of you. You don’t even know her.”

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t like seeing people hurt like that.” He smiled just a bit. “Issues don’t always make you worse. Sometimes they make you stronger, smarter, and more capable of helping others.”

I nodded and went back to Kaori. “Let’s do that turn some more. Both directions, both feet.”

“Got it.”


	12. Chapter 12

I set Kaori down at her front door and I started shaking before she even opened it.

“Are you okay?” Beka put his hand on my shoulder and leaned in to whisper.

“Not really but I have to do this. If… If I look like I’m about to pass out can you take my hand and walk in front of me? ‘Cause I might actually pass out.” Kaori opened the door and we stepped into the entryway. It wasn’t as clean as Yuri’s house but at least it was better than mine. Still, I couldn’t even walk across Yuri’s spotless floors. These hadn’t been swept in a while and there were a few papers and clothes strewn on the floor.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ll explain later.”

Kaori hurried in to pick up the scattered items looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry. My brother doesn’t always pick up like he’s supposed to.”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Just go tell your mom we’re here and see if she’s okay with visitors.” She ran off into the back of the house.

“Yura, why do you look so sick?” Beka put his hand on my back and started rubbing it gently.

“I…”

Kaori came running back in. “Yeah she said she’d love to see you.” I nodded and started taking off my shoes. I took one step on the floor and my hand flung out to grip Beka’s arm. “Coach Yura, are you okay?”

“I just feel a little dizzy.”

“Are you sick?” The pink drained from her cheeks.

“No. Not like that. I’ll be okay. I promise.” Come on. You should be willing to walk through a whole pit of broken glass after what you did to her and now you’re making her worry again. I let go of Beka’s arm and took another step forward. My head swam and I pitched forward. Beka moved in front of me and offered his hand. Come on. Come on. Just one step. I looked back up and took another step without taking his hand. He smiled and walked a little bit ahead and then waited. Focus on relaxing my chest and just take another step. Come on. Stand up straight. Don’t make her worry. Step. Step. Step. Come on, little fishy. You can do this. Step. Step. That’s right. I made it to Beka and he smiled and moved forward again. Don’t think. Just breathe and relax. Clear the ice in your mind. Run a Zamboni right over it and make a new drawing up there. Step. Step. You know how to do this. It doesn’t require any thought. If you think too much about it, you might trip over your own feet. Just feel it flowing out of you. Step. Step. Step. Step. We reached her mom’s door. “Give me just a second before we go in.” I made it, but I still felt like I was seconds from passing out.

Beka wrapped his arms around me and his warm breath on my neck gave me something to feel that wasn’t my burning feet and my quaking chest. I didn’t deserve his comfort, but he offered it anyway. “Yura. Suyiktim. You’re okay, right?” I nodded against his chest. I didn’t want to let him go, but love is doing shit for someone else that you sometimes don’t want to do. Did I really love Kaori after only knowing her for two days? I looked down at her worried face. God, I loved her after the first time she got up from the ice. Was I really such a sap? I pushed away from Beka. Apparently I am. I nodded and she opened the door.

Her mom sat in a chair in front of the TV, a glass in her hand and an IV on a pole feeding into her arm. She turned when we came in and the face of someone who was clearly beautiful at one time but was now destroyed by illness looked back. She smiled. “Yura. Come, sit.” My heart started pounding so hard in my chest I thought it was going to break right through the ice. Beka put his hand on my back and started rubbing it in slow circles. “Beka, please. You too. Sit.” He gave me a little push forward and I followed his lead to sit on the couch next to her chair. “Kaori is right. You are so beautiful.” She placed her glass on the table next to her and reached a hand for my hair. She lightly ran her fingertips through it then rested her hand back in her lap. “Silk.” I was lost for any words so I tried bowing instead. She smiled bright. “I should be bowing to you, but I can’t at the moment. She ducked her head as much as she could. I’m so glad you came by so I could say thank you. I haven’t seen Kaori so happy as she was yesterday. What you and Katsuki and Nikiforov have done for the children here is so generous and so kind and then what you did by taking a special interest in my Kaori… I am so grateful to you. She’s had so much sadness in her heart and you made it shine so bright again. Thank you for offering her all the time you could and then making sure she was cared for even after you left.”

“I’m not leaving.” I finally managed to meet her eyes. They were sunken but warm. “My plans have changed and I will remain Kaori’s coach for as long as she wants me.” Her hands flew to her face and her shoulders started heaving as she sobbed into them. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” The words came out dampened from behind her hands. “Please take care of her. I know you don’t know her that well and you’re just a child still yourself but please. I beg you. You’ve become so important to her.”

“I swear on my life that I will take care of her.” Her sobs deepened and muffled thank you’s flew out from behind her hands. Kaori ran off and came back a moment later with a box of tissues. She handed one to her mom. “We want to show you a glimpse of what she will be. Will you come to a performance to watch her skate with us?”

“A performance? But she just started.”

“That doesn’t matter. She works so hard every minute and she has talent on top of that. She’s going to be a great champion one day. I’m sure of it. Will you be able to come to the rink?”

“Yes. Yes. Of course. I wouldn’t miss that for anything.”

“Good. Can you give us just a second to talk alone, Kaori?” She nodded and ran out of the room closing the door behind her. “Um… this is really…”

“How much time do we have?” Beka asked.

“It’s hard to say. The doctors think no more than two months.”

“What should we err on, giving her more time to learn or making certain you’ll be able to come?”

“Six weeks. I will hold on that long. I promise. Is that enough time?”

“For Kaori? Yes. She is an ice tiger just like her coach. He will make her beautiful out there so you make sure you see it.”

“Yes. I will be there.” Kaori’s determination flashed in her eyes for just a moment. “I will always be there. You tell her that, please? Even when she can’t see me and I’m on the other side I am on the ice with her.”

“I will remind her any time she forgets.” I bowed again. “I also wanted to ask you, are there any treatments anywhere in the world that could help you? Even if they are expensive or experimental, do they exist?”

“No. None that I know of.”

“Ask your doctors again. If they think of anything, book the appointment. It will be taken care of if you send the bill to B at Yu-Topia. That was a message I was asked to give you.”

“You are a hiten. A messenger from the gods who flies through the air.” She smiled. “Kaori told me how you helped her fly and that she felt like she was being carried by a spirit. Angel. That’s what it is in English.” She smiled and stroked my hair again.

“Would you like this to be private for just you and your family, or open to the public?” Beka asked.

“Whichever one Kaori wants to do.”

“Okay. We’d also like your six favorite songs.”

“Oh, I’m not sure I could name six songs.”

 “What style of music do you typically like?”

“Soft.” She laughed. “That’s not really a style, is it?”

“No, but it’s helpful.”

“I just want to see Kaori smile out there so whatever makes her smile I will love.”

“Okay. I will find something to make ice tigers smile.”

She smiled. “Is she really that good?”

“Yura is never easily impressed. He has very high standards for himself and others and he doesn’t cut anyone slack. If he is impressed with her enough to dedicate himself to her training she will absolutely succeed to the highest levels. On top of that she has also impressed Yuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov. They are the top two skaters in the world who also share Yura’s high standards. All of us look at her and see a very bright future. You have no need to worry. She is a mighty ice tiger and she will smile all the way to the top.”

“Thank you both for everything. I will look out for all of you on the other side. I promise. And you’ll really look out for my Kaori? I know you’re so young to make such a promise.”

“I will. I promise she will always have me to look out for her.”

“Yura is young but he has been responsible for taking care of his family for years now. You can trust him to keep his promises to you and Kaori.”

“Thank you.” She bowed her head as we stood up from the couch. A quiet smile on her face, steady and accepting as I looked back over my shoulder, created a surge of emotions I couldn’t separate into any single identifiable one. I looked back to my task of walking out the door and closed it behind me. Kaori was waiting for us just outside the door.

“Hey there, little ice tiger. I’ll meet you again tomorrow same time?”

“Yeah. Are you sure you’re okay?” She eyed me much like Viktor often did as I crawled back through the house.

“I’m okay. I promise.” Going out was a little easier with the promise of shoes waiting for me. Though a little easier was not anything close to easy. I made it to the entry and slipped my shoes back on with a sigh of relief but my heart was still going crazy. “Hey, Kaori, we wanted to know if you wanted this performance to be just for your family or if you want to make it public so everyone in town can come.”

“If you think I can do a good job I’d like lots of people to see it so my mom can hear them cheering for me.”

“Open to the public it is. I’ll see you tomorrow, my little ice tiger.” I gave her a big hug. “I’m so sorry again about what I said today. Tomorrow will be much better.” I hope. I tried so hard all day and there was still a hint of pain in her eyes that just wouldn’t go away. She closed the door and I pulled out my phone to look at the pictures from earlier today. She looked so happy. So beautiful. And I broke that right to pieces with one stupid sentence.

“What are you looking at?”

“What I broke.”

I turned the phone so he could see and he flipped through the pictures with a smile on his lips and in his eyes. “You made her so happy. That was really sweet of you.”

“Yeah, until I broke it. Her eyes weren’t right after I threatened to leave. Maybe Viktor’s weren’t either but I wouldn’t know how to tell on him. I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Viktor’s?” He handed the phone back and we started walking back home.

“I hurt Viktor just as much as I hurt Kaori by threatening to leave.”

“How? It didn’t seem like you really meant it.”

“I didn’t. That was the worst part. I hurt them for no reason at all.”

“I still don’t understand. I get why Kaori was hurt but why Viktor?”

“You won’t blab to anyone? He’s obviously wanted to keep this quiet.”

“Of course not.”

“He had a brother who died when he was fifteen. Viktor was only ten when he lost him. I look just like him and Viktor has looked out for me for years partly because he missed his brother and partly because, for some strange reason, he actually liked me. He’s terrified of losing people close to him but I make that extra bad by looking just like Alexei. And of course I’m an asshole and hurt him with that almost every night for years. I didn’t know then but I know now and I did it anyway. World’s biggest asshole. God. How many times did I…” I stopped dead on the sidewalk as a car drove past. “How many times was I responsible for him almost killing himself? Oh my god. I didn’t even put those two together until just now.”

“What do you mean?”

“His parents loved his older brother. He was their favorite. They loved him and hated Viktor. They wished it had been him. Yuri told me that when he was feeling really bad about his brother, he’d go into the street with his eyes closed tempting fate to take him. How many times did I make him feel that bad?”

“You didn’t know then, right?”

“No.”

“Then you’re not responsible.”

“I knew I was being an asshole. Shoving him away when he was only trying to help me. Giving me free coaching. Looking out for me. He loved me like his own brother for years and I did nothing but hurt him. I didn’t know how badly but I knew I was an asshole. And why are you defending me?! I hurt you too! I shoved you away too! Why didn’t you shove me away in there?!” I stopped walking to face him, my body trembling.

“I didn’t want to.”

“Why?! You stood in front of me trusting me not to hurt you and I did! I shoved you away and yelled at you and made you cry! And after all that. After years of me completely ignoring you, after forgetting you, I stood in front of you, trusting you, and you looked at me like that and kissed me like that! Why?!”

“Because I wanted to.”

“What?!”

“I’m sorry if that’s not the great answer that will make everything better but that’s just what it is. From the first time I saw you I wanted you. Well, it took me a few minutes to get over the raging jealousy but after that all I’ve wanted is to hold you in my arms and kiss you. Why would I not kiss you when you asked?”

“Why me?! Why would you want me?!”

“I don’t know. I guess I like pretty assholes who secretly have a heart of gold. Though yours is becoming not so secret as you get older. Don’t worry though. I still want you. Instead of asking me again why I want you why don’t you tell me what happened in that house? I was really worried about you.” I turned back ahead and we started walking again. “What were you scared of?” His eyes cast over to me as he walked.

“I guess I didn’t have that problem when you knew me before. It happened after. Remember how I said that my mom threw glasses all over the house?” He nodded. “I got a huge piece stuck in my foot once and if it had twisted any more it would have severed the tendons in my foot and likely ended my career. After that I wouldn’t walk anywhere without shoes. I didn’t realize I wasn’t able to walk without them until I came here and had to go inside Yuri’s house for the first time. Viktor and I got into a big fight because I didn’t want to take them off and Yuri walked by and watched for a second and somehow he knew before I really did. He left to get slippers and said I could wear them inside. It was scary but doable. In the onsen I realized just how bad it was. I couldn’t wear the slippers out there and I just… lost it. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t take a single step. I felt like I was dying. Yuri of course knew what would help and offered to walk in front of me and hold my hand. I still felt like I was dying, but I managed to do it with his help. It’s been getting a little easier since then and yesterday I took the last two steps on my own. They cheered for me like the idiots they are but really I felt like I had just won some medal or something. So yeah. That’s what happened. Pathetic, right?”

“No. I know all about watching people do things that look so easy for them while I’m struggling just to stand. You were strong enough to overcome a fear that makes you feel like you’re dying for Kaori’s sake. That’s not pathetic at all.” We reached an intersection and I stopped and put my hand on his chest and looked both ways several times before crossing. He lifted his eyebrow and looked at me. “Is this another fear?”

“Not mine. Viktor’s. Alexei died by being hit by a car. Another asshole move I did. I got hit by a car earlier this year and picked the worst time to tell him. I almost broke him. If it weren’t for Yuri I probably would have. I don’t want him to be hurt like that again.”

“Okay, I don’t fully understand that, but I’m glad you weren’t hurt.” I lifted my hand and we crossed the street. “Do you have a crush on Yuri?”

I watched his face, but I had no idea what he was thinking. Come on, give me something to work with here. “I’m not really sure how to answer that. It’s… changed. I think. I’m pretty sure. I’m still unclear on the answer for right now, but yeah, I did for sure before. They both know about it. I confessed in a fit of blind rage yesterday trying to get them to hate me. It didn’t work. Viktor had known about it since the banquet.”

He smiled. “Yeah you were a little obvious on the dance floor.”

“You knew I had a crush on him when you kissed me?”

“Uh, we were in the bathroom together.”

“Yeeaahh… so um, was that a coincidence? Or…”

“Did I follow you in?” I nodded. “Coincidence. I meant what I said. Katsuki was hot. Just because I wanted you it doesn’t mean I’ve never wanted others too. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you though.”

“So… do you care that I have. Had? I think I want to say had. Had, possibly have, a crush on him?”

“Well considering that Viktor hasn’t killed you and still seems to like you, you aren’t trying to steal him?”

“No! Never. I’m happy that Viktor and Yuri are together. They belong together. I’ve been trying to get over him since I knew that I liked him. That’s why I wanted to kiss you. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were Beka then. I wish I did. I wish I’d known a lot of things and done a lot of things differently.”

“That’s life. Half of it is fucking up and the other half is wishing you hadn’t.”

“Doesn’t leave much room for good things.”

“No. They just squeeze between everything else and make it all worth it. Kissing you was one of those good things for me. It wasn’t perfect because I knew that you wanted someone else and that hurt a little and knowing now that it didn’t mean as much to you as it did to me also hurts, but I still got to feel you in my arms, I got to taste your lips, I got to see your beautiful face looking up at me like you did when we were kids. For a moment I had my friend back who I missed like crazy. Why would I give all of that up just because it wasn’t perfect?”

“I missed you too. I tried to forget you because it was so painful to think about losing you so I just didn’t think of it. I focused everything on my skating and shoved you and everyone else away. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Beka. I wish I could take back everything I said when I yelled at you. I didn’t mean a word of it. I was just trying not to be who my mom accused me of being. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted it so bad but I couldn’t. Was your first kiss at least good?”

“Not really. It was disappointing because she wasn’t you. How was yours? Were you disappointed because I wasn’t Yuri?”

“No. I wasn’t disappointed at all. I wasn’t even thinking of Yuri… I was just thinking of you. And how nervous I was. I… didn’t want Yuri then. I just wanted to kiss you.” I stopped to look up at him. “It was a great first kiss. The only reason I ran away was because I was scared when I started wanting more. I wish I could go back and give you your first kiss the way you did for me. I didn’t deserve that but you gave it to me anyway. A gift. That’s what it was. Is there something I can give you?”

“That’s quite a big question that you’re asking. There’s a lot that I want from you.” His hand reached for the strands of hair by my face and grasped them lightly, rubbing them gently between his fingers.

My heart trembled up into my throat. “Sex?”

“Yes. When you’re ready.”

“I can be ready now.”

“No, when you’re really ready.” Oh. That’s what that feels like. When someone knows your vulnerabilities and protects them instead of using them against you. Relief. That’s what I’m feeling. “What I really want is you.”

“What does that mean? Giving you me?”

“It means that I can call you mine. It means that when you feel like offering a part of yourself to someone it’s me that you offer it to. And that it’s me that you trust and come to when you need someone to care for you and support you.”

“Idiot. I already gave you me if that’s what it is. You already call me yours. I remember what suyiktim means.”

He blushed and glanced down then threaded his fingers deeper into my hair and fixed his intense gaze back on me.

“When I felt like kissing someone it was you that I offered it to. When I needed someone to talk to about my life you were the first to hear it. And it was you who supported me even when I couldn’t hear it. I’m already yours. Pick something else.”

He smiled, his nearly black eyes looking so warm and so strong. “My first kiss in Japan then?”

“Okay. The river’s really pretty if you want to go there. Or the beach, or the castle…”

“Why do we have to go somewhere?”

“I want to do it right.”

“If it’s you then its right.” He used his free hand to reach around my waist and pull me closer.

“I don’t know how to give someone a first kiss. Give me a second to think about it.” He smiled a bit like he was indulging me and nodded. “Come on. We’re going to the castle.” I grabbed his hand and started dragging him down the street.

“I thought I said we didn’t have to go anywhere.”

“I don’t care. I’m going to do this right. I owe you that much so shut up and let me.” I pulled him all the way to the castle and up the steps without looking back to see if he minded at all. I guess if he really did we wouldn’t be moving. It’s not like I could actually drag him anywhere. I brought him out onto the high balcony that overlooked the ocean. The sun was just beginning to set so the sky was filling with colors. Yeah, this is nice. Now for the hard part.

“This is really pretty. I knew Japan was nice, but I never got to see it much outside of the ice arena when I competed.” I let go of his hand and walked to the opposite end of the balcony. “Hey, why did you leave?”

“Just stay there.” I took off my shoes with every part of me shaking hard. I took a step and heaved forward.

“Yura.” He took a step toward me.

“Stay there!” He smiled and backed up again and I put all of my focus into walking the ten feet to him across thousands of shards of broken glass. I finally reached him and he grabbed my waist to pick me up from the floor. I wrapped my legs around him and put my hands on his face. “I did that because I wanted you to know how much I want to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you that badly then too, but I just wasn’t strong enough to walk across the broken glass yet. I’m sorry that I wasn’t but I am now and I promise I will never shove you away again. I really have no idea what I’m doing from here on out but I hope that how much I want you is enough.”

“It is. It’s already a perfect first kiss, suyiktim.”

How do I give him that look? I want him to see it. A performance. That’s what I’m putting on for him. And the best performances are always real. If I want him to see love, all I have to do is feel it. Draw it all over the ice in my mind and it will be seen through my actions. Beka. The first boy I wanted to impress. The first boy I trusted. The first boy I opened up to. The first boy I hurt. The first boy to cheer me on. The first boy to believe in me. The first boy to want me. The first boy to kiss me. The first boy to love me. I leaned in closer.

Just feel it and let it out without thought to fumble it. My lips rested on his and slowly I pressed in deeper as I opened them to let him in. My tongue flicked out into his mouth and I stroked the length of his tongue as I pulled him closer. He followed my motions, soft tongues and lips moving together in an easy flow across slick ice. His hands slid just under my shirt and his heat pressed into my skin. Soft moans started from in my chest and drifted out into his mouth as that wonderfully sick feeling hit me. His hands pulled me in harder and my cock started to stiffen against him. He tried to let me go, but I shook my head and tightened my legs around him. His smile stretched his kiss against mine as I ran my hands over the velvet hair covering the sides of his head and down around his neck. Even though I was breathing still, I started to run out of air and had to pull back. I pressed my forehead to his as I panted, staring at his swollen, glistening red lips. I couldn’t resist kissing them again so I did. And then again. And again, after that.

“I hope that was okay.”

“It was. The best kiss ever.”

“Really?”

“Yeah really. You really surprised me. I wasn’t expecting you to care so much about some angry words you said when you were ten.”

“They hurt you, didn’t they?”

“Yeah.”

“Then of course I care, idiot.”

He smiled and kissed my lips. “Hey, Yura.” I looked up in question. “I love you.”

“I know that. You already told me when you looked at me to give me my first kiss.”

“I’m going to tell you again, suyiktim, my beautiful Yura. Lots of times.” He brought his hand up to brush my hair from my face.

“Hey, Beka. Did you see it? Did you see that I love you too before I kissed you?”

“Yeah.” He smiled and kissed me gently. “I saw it.”

“Good. Let’s get back. You must be tired.”

“A little.” He carried me back to where my shoes were and reached down to grab them and help me slip them on all without putting me down. He was really strong. The thought made my cock twitch against him. He smirked. “You don’t seem tired at all. What got you so excited?”

“You, you idiot.” I blushed and bit my lip. “You’re really strong. It’s really hot. You’re really hot.”

“I’m glad you think so. I think you’re really hot too. Especially in those pants.” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss then set me down. “Just out of curiosity, did you go for his special offer?”

“What?! No! Of course not! Ew. So gross.” I looked up at him, my eyes wide. “Why did you?”

“No. He offered me five hundred bucks for a blowjob after I rejected the pants. Definitely not worth five hundred bucks.”

“Oh, he offered me ten thousand.”

He started laughing as we walked back to the street holding hands. “Yeah that sounds about right. You’re so much prettier than I am. You really turned down that much money? I’m impressed.”

“Yeah well I didn’t want him so no amount of money was going to make me touch him. Weird guy though.”

“Yeah I kinda liked him.”

“I know. Me too. Strange. Hey, you ever been in an onsen before?”

“No. What is that?”

“If you want to know the answer to that, I really think that you need to ask yourself one simple question. How do you feel about frontal male nudity?”

We started laughing, stumbling down the street and leaning on each other for support. “I can’t believe you remember that. Our first experience being corrupted by a movie.”

“Oh, you think I’m joking? I have seen more dick in the last two weeks than I ever have in my life.”

“What the fuck?”

“Pretty fucked up, huh?” We laughed the rest of the way back home over all sorts of random memories that popped up. Just hearing the name Beka was like opening a faucet that rushed an entire life I never knew I had back in, slowly flooding my heart with a love that my mind had preserved tucked away deep in my memories until I was strong enough to hold it. I opened the front door without even thinking about it and realized that I hadn’t stopped at that front door once. It always opened easily and actually felt like a relief rather than another battle.

Toshiya heard the door open and gave his usual greeting. “Yurio-chan! Is that you? I’ve got something for you, come try it!” I smiled and changed into the slippers while Beka removed his shoes.

I took his hand and led him to the window where Toshiya’s face was almost always found. “Konbanwa, Toshiya-san.”

“Ah, you have a friend with you. Who’s this?”

“Beka. Or, do you prefer Otabek now?”

“Either one is fine. I like it when you call me Beka though.”

“Good. Okay, so this is Beka.”

“Nice to meet you.” He bowed and Beka returned it without hesitating. “Are you going to be staying with us?”

“I think so.”

“Wonderful! Here, try this.” He handed us a small plate and some chopsticks.

Beka smiled at my feeble attempts to lift the food to my mouth. “This is good, what is it?”

“I have no idea.” Toshiya laughed. “I like putting together random things in the kitchen. Yurio-chan is always a good sport about testing them for me and he’s a pretty good critic too. So, what does Yurio-chan think?”

“It’s good. It’s a little bland though, maybe add some furikake?”

“Furikake… on chicken?... Brilliant idea! Okay, hold on. I’ll add some. Wait right there.” He disappeared through the window and came back a minute later with a new plate which he exchanged the old one for.

Beka and I took a bite. “Mmm. Much better. You should put this on your menu.”

Beka started grabbing more bites quickly. “Yeah, this is really good now. Yura knows about Japanese cooking?”

“Yeah, I’ve been helping in the kitchen when I get the chance. Really different from Russian food, but still really good.” I handed Beka the plate to let him finish it.

“Hmm… I can call it Bekakake Chikin.” He laughed. “I actually like the sound of that. Very rhythmic. Should we have this for dinner tonight?”

“Actually can we have katsudon? I want Beka to try it.”

“Oh poor Yuri-chan. He’s going to be so mad.”

“I think he won today.”

“Yeah?”

“Make him a bowl. Let Viktor yell at me if he wants.”

“Katsudon it is then.”

I waved and led Beka out to the changing room where naked Chicken was accosting naked Yuri, grabbing his arm and jumping up and down about some stupid shit, his dick flopping around way too close to Yuri while naked Viktor looked on with annoyance all over his face.

“You weren’t joking.” Beka’s stoic face hung open in shock.

“Nope.”

“Yura! Beka! I am so glad to see you.” Naked Viktor grabbed Beka’s arm and dragged him in. “Hurry up, get undressed. I need backup.”

“Uuh… Yura? What is going on?”

“Just get naked. You’ll love it.” I started stripping off my clothes while Beka’s face gained a hint of red on it as he tried to look away. “Come on. I promise it’s not as weird as these weirdos are making it look.”

“Uh, okay.” He didn’t look convinced at all but he pulled his shirt off over his head. Oh, holy fuck he’s hot. His caramel skin looked so delicious and only the fact that I was too stunned by him to move kept me from rushing over to taste every inch of it. Don’t stare. Don’t stare. Don’t stare. Yeah, that’s not fucking working. Especially not working now that he’s taking his fucking pants off. Fuck. Come on, Yura. You learned how to control yourself around Yuri. Don’t be a fucking weirdo and get a fucking boner staring at him while he strips. The shorts came off. And… this is not going well. Holy fuck he’s hot!

“Hey, Yura, ready to go shower?” Viktor threw his arm around me and dragged me away from my shameless staring.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“I’ve got your back, bro.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“I don’t know really. Something Yuri taught me from his time in America. Something like, ‘I’ll help you when you need it, brother.’ Beka is pretty hot, huh? I can see that you have a very specific taste in men.”

“Shut up. You know if I could have pictured who Beka would grow up to be from who he was as a kid, I would have guessed someone a lot like Yuri, but I really love this version a lot more.”

“That’s great, because Yuri is mine.” He growled and glared at the chicken who was still hanging off Yuri.

“Want to pluck the chicken again?”

“Pluck the chicken?” His eyes twisted up and he tiled his head then they popped open. “Oh my god. Pluck the chicken! That is the best! I love you so much, Yurochka. Yes, let’s pluck the chicken, but we have to be more subtle this time. Yuri will chastise me if I’m too obvious again. He’s not as convinced as I am that he’s trying to steal him and he thinks I was being too mean for picking on ‘a little kid’. That chicken is definitely not thinking little kid thoughts about him though. So, did you kiss him?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?”

“Amazing.”

“So I’m forgiven?”

“Completely. Thank you.”

Beka walked over, holding his hands in front of him and Viktor removed himself from me to hand him a towel which he gratefully wrapped around his waist. His eyes kept darting over to me and then away. I’d already gotten used to this so the towel sat on my shoulder. I couldn’t help feeling just a little satisfied by the difficulty he was having not looking at me. “So, um. I’m naked. What now?”

“Now comes the hard part. For me at least. For you, it’s a piece of cake.” I kicked off my slippers and grabbed Viktor’s hand. “Please, for the love of god, do not say a goddamn word about me clinging to a naked man like a baby.”

“The only thing I’d say is, can it be me you cling to?”

“Oh, uh…” I looked up at Viktor and he smiled and nodded. “Okay.” Beka came over and Viktor let go to move out of his way. Beka took my hand and followed Viktor to the showers. After all of the walking I’d done without holding hands, this felt a little easier than before. At least I could step without having to stop forever in between each one.

“Hey, did Coach Yura turn into Coach Chicken or what?”

“Hey, Kenjirou,” Yuri said with his simmering anger tone. “Shut your mouth.”

“What?! But he picks on me all the time!”

“This isn’t something you pick on someone for. Apologize.”

“But-”

“Apologize. Now.” Yuri’s sharp tone snapped through the chicken’s body.

“I’m sorry, Coach Yura.” He bowed deeply then looked to Yuri to see if he was pleased with that or not. Yuri didn’t give any hint of to the answer to that as he as kicked the spot around my stool already anticipating that Beka wouldn’t think to do that then sat down to shower.

“Hey, Yuri. Thanks.” I sat down and Beka figured out the drill and started washing next to me. His water was more than a little cold.

“Of course. Just because I yell at you, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you.”

“I thought I was just a huge pain in your ass.” I turned on the shower and then started soaping up.

“Yeah, you certainly are. You knew her mom was dying?” He cringed instead of looking angry. I wasn’t sure what that meant.

“Yeah. I really fucked up. I broke her eyes. They didn’t look right even as I left her house. How do I fix it?”

“You can’t. Not the way you’re thinking. What you saw in her before was perfect trust. You shattered that and once something’s broken, it can never go back to being perfect. Even if you try to glue it together, the cracks are still there.”

“So, there’s nothing I can do?”

“You can repair the cracks with gold. Put her trust back together with something beautiful and strong. It won’t be perfect; it will be something so much better than perfect. You won’t see perfect trust in her eyes any more. You’ll see a story of a boy who carelessly dropped her, but cared enough to walk through broken glass for her and dedicate himself to her future to put her back together. I think that’s quite a beautiful story to see. Don’t you?” He looked over and smiled.

“Yeah, it is. Thanks, Yuri.”

“No problem. Just please tell me you have learned this lesson.”

“Kaori made sure that I did. She is the most brutal teacher on the planet.”

“Tell me about it.” The chicken grumbled and pointed to the bruises all over his ass.

“Consider yourself lucky that she didn’t feel it necessary to teach your heart a lesson.” I turned off the shower and stood up, waiting for Beka. The chicken’s eyes went wide and he slowly nodded imagining the brutality.

“Keep one thing in mind, Yura. Even though I said that you can repair her with gold, you can only do that so many times before there’s nothing of her left. Most people will leave well before you get to that point to protect themselves.”

“Right. Got it.”

Viktor came over to Yuri and smiled his warm, Yuri smile as he wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. “Come on, zolotse.” He led him toward the onsen with his arm tight around his shoulders. I was so glad that even at my worst I could still see how precious that was and didn’t try to break it. Not that I could have, but I would have broken what Viktor and I had because while he may forgive me easily for hurting him, I didn’t think he’d have been willing to give me any chances to repair us if I tried to shatter him and Yuri. The chicken stared at Yuri openly as they walked past and the cold look Viktor gave him sent a little shiver down my spine as I realized just how close I had been to him looking at me like that.

Beka came over and took my hand. “Ready?”

We started forward and I stopped on the way to smack the chicken upside the head. “Stop staring, pervert. Are you trying to get Viktor to kill you?”

He grabbed his head and rubbed it. “Ow! That hurt, you big meanie.”

“Not as much as it will when Viktor is gouging your eyes out. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Why are you trying to steal Yuri?”

“Um, because he’s hot and talented and perfect.”

“Can’t you see that they love each other? That they’re perfect together? If you think Viktor will allow you to keep this up much longer, you’re wrong.”

“Well, he can’t kick me out. I’m paying to stay here.”

“Uh, you do realize that Yuri’s family owns this place and that they love Viktor almost as much as Yuri does? They’re engaged, idiot. Get over it.”

“Yeah? How do I do that?” He grumbled.

“I recommend kissing the hottest guy you find at the next banquet. It’s pretty effective. As long as he’s also as awesome as Beka is.” Beka smiled as we started forward again.

“You were never going to show me the video, were you?”

“It never even existed.”

We stepped outside to the onsen lit with soft yellow lanterns in the night casting a warm glow on the rocks surrounding the pool. The steam rising off the water made the air thick like a blanket, its comfort already starting to relax my body. “Woah. This is beautiful.” Beka stopped suddenly to take it in.

“Yeah, it really is. Japan is awesome.”

We walked to the water and I stepped in with potent relief. Beka dipped his foot in behind me and jerked it back. “Woah, that’s hot.”

“Yeah, go slowly. It’s fantastic when you get in. And, uh, you’ll have to remove the towel. That’s why I kinda stopped bothering with it. You end up showing everyone anyway.” Beka tossed the towel aside with his face red and we both settled into the water.

“It’s so funny seeing people from different cultures trying the onsen for the first time. Well, except Viktor. He totally embraced the whole communal nudity concept well before he got here.”

“Well, clothes get hot and uncomfortable, especially after a few drinks, and it was only you the first time and it’s not like you hadn’t already seen me naked so many times by then.” The chicken was climbing into the water and Viktor smirked at him. “So so many times. Like over and over again. All night long.”

“Viktor!” Yuri’s hand smacked his chest with a loud crack bouncing off the wetness of his skin. Viktor laughed and kissed him.

“When will you stop being so ashamed of how hot you are? I mean seriously, raise your hand if you’ve had a crush on Yuri.” Viktor’s and Chicken’s hands shot up and mine followed, with Beka’s slowly creeping up after. Viktor looked at his sheepish face and started laughing. “More than I thought.”

“Seriously? You too, Otabek?” Yuri’s face was bright red.

“Um, I saw your pole dance. It wasn’t a long-lived crush, but I think what I did in the bathroom after it requires that I raise my hand.”

“Oh my god.” Yuri buried his face in his hands while Viktor laughed hysterically.

“Is that what you were stumbling over when telling your story, Yurochka? You guys were in the same bathroom, weren’t you?”

“Yeah… Um, aren’t you worried that Yuri’s going to die of embarrassment over there?”

“No, he’s fine. This is good training for his programs. I don’t care if people look as long as they don’t try to touch.” He shot a quick glare to the chicken then turned back to Yuri, softness in his eyes. “Eyes up, my love.” Yuri’s hands lowered from his face and tightened into fists as he lifted his eyes back up to face us. “That’s better, zolotse.”

“This is so unfair! Everyone got to see him pole dance except me. Was it really that good?”

“I’ll answer because I think I’m the most unbiased,” Beka said. “I go to a lot of clubs and see a lot of dirty dancing. Yuri’s was the hottest I’ve ever seen. I don’t make it a habit of visiting bathrooms after watching people dance. Seriously impressive, man. You should really be proud of yourself for that. I liked your song pick too. A bold move dancing to something written for a woman, but you pulled it off well.”

“I’ll try to take that compliment without dying.”

“So how is this training for you?”

“Um, Viktor is the worst coach ever and is making me basically repeat my pole dance on ice this year in my short program and my long program... There are no words for how evil he is when it comes to my skating.”

“No way! No way!!” The chicken reduced his words to piercing squeals.

Beka leaned over and whispered in my ear. “How old is that guy?”

“Like two? Seriously though, he’s as old as you.”

“Crazy.” He put his arm over my shoulder and scooted closer. “It feels so good to touch you again. I missed you, suyiktim. Am I allowed to kiss you?” His voice rumbled low in my ear and heat raced from my cheeks to a clenching knot in my stomach.

“Well, Viktor and Yuri make out all the time so I don’t think they’d care.”

“I don’t care what they think, I’m asking you if you want me to kiss you.”

“Oh. Yeah. Of course you can kiss me. I’m yours, aren’t I?”

“Thank you.” Thank you? That is so… sweet. He brought his hand to the side of my face and turned it toward him, his fingers brushing through my hair. His forehead pressed against mine first and then his lips. His tongue slipped gently against mine and a shiver ran down my spine. With my body pressing into his, he tightened his fingers in my hair before his tongue disappeared from my mouth and then his soft lips pulled away too. I wanted to grab him back, but I was too stunned to move. He turned back and his arm tightened just a bit more.

“Oh, Yuri, look! So sweet! My Yurochka has his first boyfriend! Oh, I wish I could have gotten a picture of that but Yuri won’t let me take pictures here.” He pouted.

“Yeah, love, most people aren’t as okay with nude photos of themselves all over the internet as you are.”

“What? Those were great shots. I know you certainly enjoyed them when they came out.”

“Viktor!”

“What were you a fan of his or something?” Beka asked.

“Nobody tell him. I want to see his face when he sees Yuri’s old room.”

“Uh, speaking of rooms, where exactly am I staying? Viktor didn’t really give me many details. Just told me to come if I wanted a shot at you and bought me a ticket.”

“So you hopped on the next flight out?” I asked.

“Yeah. I wasn’t going to pass up any chances with you.”

“You came to another country without any plan just to see me?”

“Well I was hoping Viktor wouldn’t leave me abandoned on the streets of Japan, he didn’t seem like the type of guy to do that, but if it happens that way so be it. I would have come anyway.”

“You… really want me.”

“Yep. I’ve been crazily in love with you for years. I would have done anything to have you in front of me again.”

“These Russian men, I’m telling you, they have some type of bewitching power. They make relatively normal guys completely insane with wanting for them.” Beka nodded in agreement. “You are welcome to stay here, Beka. Unfortunately, since Viktor’s been here we’ve had a shortage of rooms in the resort part so we’re left with what’s available in our house which is also unusually filled up at the moment so all that’s left is the attic which needs some cleaning. I’m so sorry about that.”

“That’s fine. I’m not picky. Thank you for letting me stay here.”

“There is another option,” Viktor said. “You could share a room with Yura if he’s okay with it.”

“Don’t you think Yura’s still a bit young for that option?”  

“Yuri, if they’re going to have sex, they’re going to regardless of if they’re staying in the same room or not. The only thing you’d be preventing is the cuddling and affection after as they sneak back into their approved locations. I think that’s the last thing Yura needs.”

“I guess you have a point there.”

“By the way, I’m not condoning this. Yuri’s right that you are still very young, Yura. It’s just that if you choose to have sex, I’d rather you have the best experience possible.”

Beka’s arm around me suddenly felt extremely… heavy. “You are without a doubt the most embarrassing idiot I’ve ever met.”

“You think that’s bad? Try getting a sex talk from Yakov while you’re still naked with a guy tied up in your bed. Well, I don’t think you could call it a talk so much as him switching between choking over what an abomination I was committing and him just screaming about how I was going to ruin my career if my sins ever got out to the public with a couple of extremely awkward safe sex tips thrown in.”

“Okay, you win. Yakov was really upset by you being gay? He seems fine with it now.”

“He’s an old Russian guy. Of course he was upset. Russia’s not really known around the world as the hotbed of gay acceptance. He’s fine now because I took it upon myself to break him in to the idea.”

“Oh god. What did you do to the man?”

“Oh, I did nothing to him. I just made sure that the paparazzi got some great shots of my tongue in a guy’s mouth and my hands down his pants right before Worlds then made absolutely sure that I was as flawless as I could be so if I lost it would be obvious that it was a result of biased judging. That move had the absolutely delightful and unexpected side effect of making one Yuri Katsuki fall in love with me.” He turned to beam at Yuri and give him a kiss.

“Score two for being a defiant asshole. You got a guy and a gold medal.”

“I told you we have a lot in common. I was just sweet while being a defiant asshole. I think that pissed him off even more because he never could yell at me as much as he wanted to. He’s really a big softie under all that yelling.”

“You really won a World Championship just to prove a point to Yakov?” Yuri asked.

“Yes. Well, that wasn’t my entire reason, but that was my main motivation while performing that one.”

“So, you mean to tell me that when you were dressed up in your genderbending bondage costume, skating a routine full of eros and making me fall in love with you, you were thinking about Yakov?”

“Yeah, him and everyone else who would give a shit about who I liked touching.”

“That… I don’t know how I feel about that information. It definitely puts a new spin on that memory for me… Okay, so I guess the decision is that you guys can work out the room situation amongst yourselves and I will only warn Beka that Yura’s warnings not to mess with Viktor also extends to him. You hurt him and you will regret it.”

“You have my word. I will be a complete gentleman. Thank you for letting me stay here. This place is wonderful. I could really get used to this.”

“I know, right?” Viktor sighed and settled back closer to Yuri. How does he always find a way to get closer to him even when he’s already as close as I’d think is physically possible? “Yuri told me how awesome it was but I didn’t quite believe him until I was here. This is heaven on earth. I think we’re going to have a hard time getting students to retire.”

“You’re opening a training center here?”

“Not until we retire, well except for Yurochka, but yeah.”

“When are you retiring? I’m signing up as your student the second you open your doors.”

“Hey, Yuri.”

“No, Viktor.”

“But, Yuri.”

“Viktor, no!”

“But, Yuri, look at them.”

“No, Vitka! I seriously think you’re trying to kill me.”

“Yuri… what if it were us?”

“Viktor!” Yuri sounded like he was sobbing without actual tears. “Why? I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you. I love you so so much. And he looks at him like I do to you.”

“What are they talking about?” Beka whispered in my ear.

“I’m pretty sure Viktor wants to take you on as a student right now. Yuri’s going to cry, but I think you got that.”

“You can understand that?”

“They often have conversations that consist solely of each other’s names with a few other scattered words. It’s kind of impressive actually.”

“Yuri, he’s good.”

“I know that, Vitka.”

“Yuri, he needs you.”

“I already told him what he needs to know and I’m writing down the rest.”

“Yuri… come on. You can read this. You know his coach isn’t going to let some young punk coach educate him.”

“Viktor!”

“Yuri, please. I know you’re not heartless.”

“Viktor, I’m going to die. You are insane. Insane. I’m marrying an insane person. How is the most amazing man on earth also the most insane?” He buried his face in his hands.

“Balance?” Viktor shrugged. “Come on, Yuri.”

“Vitka, please let me win one. Why can’t I win these?”

“You love me too much to tell me no.”

“I tell you no every time.”

“But you don’t really mean it.”

“I’ve spoiled you.”

“Yes, and I love every second of it.”

“The numbers reset and I get a hundred more. And I’ll be saying them in far more creative places.”

“Yes! Oh my god, yes! If you’re trying to discourage me, you’re failing spectacularly.”

“Who said I was trying to discourage you, Vitka?”

“Do we want to know what the numbers mean?” Beka whispered.

“No. No we don’t.”

“Great news, Beka! We just opened one more slot at the Katsuki Nikiforov Skating Academy! If you’d like it, it’s yours.”

“Yes! Thank you!” Woah, he didn’t hesitate at all.

“Keep in mind, you’ll be competing against your coaches and there’s a good chance neither of us will be able to make it to an event with you if we both have our own events. We have Minako already lined up for Yura in case that happens so between the three of us, someone should be able to go with you. She’s not a skating coach, but she’s good with moral support and keeping you organized.”

“That’s fine. Thank you. Really, thank you. I will do my best to make both of you proud that you have accepted me as your student.”

“Just… keep him happy.” Yuri waved his hand toward me with his other pressed to his forehead. “You might be able to lessen the amount of work we have to do if you can do that.”

“Yes. I will absolutely do my best to keep him happy.”

“Beka… you’re not deciding this just because of me, right?”

“As romantic as it would be to say yes, no I’m not. I just got an offer to be coached by Viktor Nikiforov and Yuri Katsuki and they’ve both proven their skills as coaches to be just as good as their skills with skating. Plus Yuri just saved my career with a few minutes of stretching and his knowledge. I’d be an idiot to pass up an opportunity like that in favor of a coach who almost ruined my career. Sorry, I do have some selfish motives here.”

“No, that’s good. I yelled at Viktor for throwing away his career over a boy. I just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t have to yell at you too.”

“Uh, I wouldn’t say Viktor threw away his career by choosing Yuri.”

“Well I know that now, but at the time that’s exactly what it looked like he was doing.”

“Can I be your student too?!” The chicken flailed his arm around in the air.

“So sorry. We don’t have any more slots available currently. We’ll put you on the list though.” Viktor grinned as the chicken squawked.

“Those feathers taste good, huh?” I asked.

“Delicious.”

“Minami, would you like to join our family for dinner? You might enjoy it more than hanging out with all the tourists.” Yuri cast a glance at Viktor that made him bite the smirk off his face.

“Yes! Thank you, Yuri!”

“What did Kaori’s mom say about the treatments, Yura?” Viktor asked.

“She didn’t know of any. I told her to ask her doctors again. I thought they might know of something but didn’t mention it if it was out of reach for her financially.”

“That was good thinking, Yura. Really. You sometimes impress me with how forward thinking you can be. What did she say about the songs?”

“She couldn’t think of any that were specific favorites. I’ve got an idea of the music she likes though and she said she just wanted to see Kaori smile so I’ll make a list for her to listen to and she can pick them.” Beka said. “And as for timeline, she said six weeks for the performance. The doctors said she likely won’t make it more than two months.”

“That’s it?” Yuri looked like he was about to cry. Viktor pulled him tight and kissed his head. “Two months until she has to say goodbye to her mom?” Tears slipped down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away. “Sorry. It’s just awful.” Viktor closed his eyes and pressed kisses all over Yuri’s face. He wiped a few more tears away and took a deep breath. “We’re not going to have time to put together elaborate routines. Either we recycle old ones or put together something new but basic.”

“I’d vote for new but basic. She said she likes soft music so that shouldn’t require complicated choreography and it’s supposed to showcase Kaori so something we’ve done for competition might overshadow her too much.”

“Sounds like a good idea, Yura. I’ll second that.” Viktor put his hand up.

“Beka?”

“Yeah, that’s fine with me.”

“Good. That’s decided. The sooner we get those songs, Beka, the better. I know you’re probably tired so don’t worry about it for tonight,” Yuri said.

“I’ll get it done as soon as I can.”

“Great, thanks. Yura, what skills do you think she’ll be able to pick up in six weeks?”

“Quite a lot actually. I think she’ll be able to do some basic footwork: three turns, rocker turns, toe picks; a decent two-footed spin, maybe one-footed; crossovers, forward and back; spiral; lunge; waltz jump, single salchow, single toe loop.”

“That’s enough for a nice little routine. I’ll start thinking about a simple choreography for the frame and when she’s got the skills to a point to where we can see what she can do with them artistically, Yuri can help with that,” Viktor said.

“What should I do with her for conditioning?”

“The basic stretches you’re doing are good. Try adding in some dynamic stretching too.”

“Dynamic stretching?”

“Like split jumps, kicking your legs as high as you can, active moving the joints in as wide a range as possible.”

“Oh, right. I know that stuff. I didn’t know the name though.”

“I’d also do some strength training. I think it’d be best if I did that with her so I can make sure she’s using correct technique and lifting the right amount of weight.”

“Okay.”

“She can do the basic conditioning drills in the morning with us too. I’ll just help you tone it down to her level.”

“How many hours on the ice can I do with her?”

“I’d stick to two for right now with everything else she’s doing. They can be intensive though so feel free to drill her hard as long as you’re watching to make sure she’s not too fatigued. We’ll send her to Minako after skating too so her watching us in the afternoons will have to be paused until after the performance. I’ll re-evaluate her though in a week or two and as long as she’s holding up okay we can bump the on-ice time up.”

“Hey, Yuri, we’re doing this camp next year too, right?” Viktor asked.

“Of course.”

“Good. Kids like Kaori need a chance to be found.”

“Was there a decision on if it was public or private?”

“Yeah, Kaori said public.”

“Hey, Yuri. I want to start a scholarship for kids to skate in her mom’s name.”

“Finally, an idea that’s not literally insane. I didn’t know you had those in you.”

“You love my ideas. All of them.”

“Do I?”

“Yes, because you love me and they’re my ideas so therefore you love them.”

“Logic, Viktor style.”

He grinned and put his two hands up with peace signs and crossed his arms in front of himself then winked. “It’s Viktor style.” Everyone but me started laughing their asses off.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Oh god, just thank your lucky stars that you don’t know yet,” Beka said. “I won’t tell you and let you live the next few months blissfully unaware.”

“We should probably get out. It’s almost dinnertime.”

“Mmm… don’t wanna,” Viktor said.

“Same,” Beka echoed.

“Fine, ten more minutes as long as you don’t get any more ideas. Your worst ideas always come in the onsen.”

“I’ll just kiss you then. I can’t think of anything but you when I’m kissing you, zolotse.”

“Viktor, how many times do I have to remind you that there is no kissing in front of guests?”

“As many times as it takes for you to stop saying it.”

“I think I’ll go get ready for dinner.” The chicken stood up and grabbed his towel. “My back is still bruised so I probably shouldn’t stay in any longer and I have a lot of people in Yuri’s fan club to make jealous.” He made annoying, happy squeals as he got out of the water. Huh. Was the chicken actually growing a brain?

“So where do you want me to sleep?”

“Wherever you want to.”

“So with you in my arms is an option?”

“Ye- yeah.”

He smiled. “I can kiss you whenever I want to, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” His hand brushed through my hair and he paused to smile, his fingers still lightly rubbing a piece of my hair between them. “You really like my hair, huh?”

His smile warmed even more. “Yeah, it’s still just as comforting as ever. Do you remember? That was my first time being away from home. I was so scared and frustrated that I couldn’t keep up and I yelled at you and you yelled right back with even more anger. You came back the next day and said that you had asked a friend what to do to help someone achieve their goals. He had told you to give me something to hold on to on my journey. A token to remind me to keep trying. I think you misunderstood him a bit because you stood in front of me and said, ‘Pick something.’ So I saw your bright hair and I grabbed it and you said, ‘Okay it’s yours now. I’ll leave it long so you know that I want you to win no matter how hard it is.’ You never once cut your hair shorter from then on. I’ve only seen it grow longer. That’s why I kept cheering for you. I was too ashamed that you couldn’t hear my support like I could see yours so I didn’t try to talk to you until you heard me.”

“Oh, Yuri, he’s so sweet! They’re precious!” Viktor was trying to whisper but his excitement got the best of him.

“Shh… Don’t interrupt them. Keep kissing me.”

“Hey, can you say a number? I doubt they’d notice with how they’re staring at each other.”

“Viktor!” I heard a smack followed by Viktor’s laugh and their resumed make out session.

“You let me play with your hair any time I was feeling homesick or frustrated and it just felt so warm. I didn’t know hair could feel warm, but yours does.”

“Do you want it longer? I’ll grow it out if you want.”

He tried to contain his excitement behind his stoic mask, but it shone out of his eyes. “Only if you want to.”

“Yeah. I want to.” He lunged forward and grabbed my lips with his kiss, knocking the air right out of me. Pressed back against the rocks and his heavy body over mine, inside mine, making me feel so desperately wanted. Unwanted to wanted just like that. I suppose I had been wanted by others before. Creeps. My mom when she’s feeling needy. Coaches. Viktor. Kaori. Grandpa. But I hadn’t felt deeply wanted until just now. Not until his caution crumbled away and Beka took what he wanted most. Me. Suyiktim: my chosen one. I remember him teaching me that word cuddled next to me as we watched movies, his fingers in my hair. He always wanted me.

 

“Ew! So gross! How are you so disgusting all the time, Yura?”

“Hey, shut up, Vitya.”

He started laughing. “Payback. Not so gross when you’re doing it, huh?”

“No, you’re still gross. Now shut up. I’m trying to kiss him.”

“Sorry, dinnertime. You’ll have plenty of time to kiss him later. And it’s way more fun when you’re alone. I hate limits.”

“We know, my love. Your brilliance and your downfall. Or rather, your brilliance and my downfall. You swear you’re not trying to kill me?” Yuri stood up and wrapped his arms around Viktor.

“I swear it on Yura’s life.”

“Hey! I don’t want to be the anchor for your promises.”

We got out of the water and dried off before heading back into the changing room. We all put on the yukatas and I showed Beka how to tie his and I may have taken a little advantage of the opportunity to run my hand over the warm, damp skin on his abs. We grabbed his suitcase out of the closet and I led him down to Yuri’s room. “Are you ready for this?” I checked for the annoying dog before opening the door and closing it quickly behind us.

Beka turned around the room, taking in the sight of Viktor staring at us from every direction. “Woah… This is… intense. I thought I was bad with posters of you.”

“You have posters of me?”

“Yeah, of course.” Okay, now I get why Viktor insisted he leave this up. “So Yuri really was his fan. Like obsessively so.”

“Wait, this isn’t all of it.” I opened up the closet where stuffed Makkachins and Viktors spilled out and dolls sat neatly in boxes. His Russian language books sat on the floor in a stack. Beka leaned in to inspect them.

“He learned Russian just for Viktor?”

“Yeah. I also found his diary from when he was little, but I can’t read Japanese. Probably a good thing. It’s probably ninety-nine percent obsessing over Viktor. I was tempted to get Mari to read it for me, but I decided I had violated him enough already.”

“Mari?”

“His sister. His whole family is pretty cool. I wasn’t too sure about Toshiya at first, but he’s a good guy even if he’s a bit of a drunk and can’t sing for shit.”

“It looks like you’re really happy here.”

“Yeah, I am. Hey, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Yeah? Go ahead.”

“The part where you said you wanted me to come to you for care and support, I love that, I really do. It’s just that I’ve gotten used to going to Viktor and Yuri and even Yuri’s family when I need advice. And that thing where I took Viktor’s hand instead of yours, it wasn’t because I didn’t want your hand, it was because Viktor really likes it when I come to him for help. I rejected him for so long that it makes it better now when I go to him willingly. I think he was okay with letting you take over, but I’m not entirely sure. It’s really hard to tell with him. I think only Yuri would know if he was upset by it or not. And, well, I guess I’m rambling now, but where and when is it okay to go to them or should I only come to you?”

“I don’t want it to be complicated like you’re thinking. I don’t want to stop you from going to people you trust for support. I’m glad that you have that now. I just want to be one of those main supports for you too. And if Viktor really wants you to hold his hand, that’s fine with me. I just wanted to hold your hand because I wanted to help you and because I was a little nervous myself.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He laughed. “You shoved me into a room and told me to strip with very little explanation.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. It was funny. I just wanted to hold your hand to reassure myself that you all weren’t plotting weird things against me.”

“Never doubt that possibility with Viktor. But did you really like it?”

“Yeah, it was well worth the embarrassing public nudity. I can’t believe I get to stay with you here. You’re okay with that, right?”

“Of course. I want you here.”

“Viktor’s a weird guy, but he’s also really awesome. The lengths he’ll go to to make people happy is quite impressive. Going against Yuri just to get him to agree to coaching me?”

“I think he lives for messing with Yuri like that. I mean Yuri does make it pretty funny with his dramatics. No wonder his PCS scores are always so high. Come on, let’s go eat.” I opened the door to find yet another Viktor face in the hallway only this one looked irritated and quite real. I jumped and grabbed my chest. “Holy shit, Vitya! You scared me. I thought Yuri’s collection was growing and gaining life.”

“Otousan says I’m to yell at you for this katsudon thing. Are you really trying to make him fat? I mean come on, I know he’s impossible for you to beat, but you’re better than sabotage.”

I smiled. “Think what you will, but I decided that he won today.”

“Oh, yeah? What did he win?”

“He won at beating some sense into my angry, fifteen-year-old head. Granted he had more than a little help from Kaori, but still, silver’s close enough to a win, right?”

His arms stretched out and in a flash, I was buried in his chest, my back bending to the point where if I were Beka it would have broken. “Vitya. Can’t. Fucking. Breathe.”

“Oh, sorry.” He loosened his grip just a little. “I’m a little jealous of him. I tried for years to get you to open up and I couldn’t. He yells at you a few times and you crack like… like… some sweet thing that has an angry, hard shell. I can’t think of the right analogy right now. Whatever, you know what I mean. What exactly did he say to you?”

“I dunno. Yuri stuff. Have you been on the receiving end of one of his lectures?”

“Not like you and my parents have.”

“They’re scary. He doesn’t really yell. He just… says words in a way that it doesn’t really matter what they are. He could tell me his grocery list in that tone and I’d probably apologize for everything wrong I’ve ever done in my life.” Viktor started laughing, shaking my already precarious body in his arms. “Seriously though, all he says is what the fuck is wrong with you? How dare you hurt Viktor like that? This is how you hurt him in every painful detail. This is how much I’m disappointed in you for hurting him. If you hurt him again, I will bury you in the fucking ocean. And by the way, do you need a hug?” Viktor started laughing and crying at the same time. I wasn’t sure if he was laughing to the point of tears or if he really was just laughing and crying at the same time.

“I wouldn’t bury you in the ocean, Yura.” Viktor and I both screamed while Beka laughed. “Bodies tend to wash back to shore. I’d be much more thorough than that. I came to see what was taking so long. The katsudon is going to get cold.” After our hearts recovered from the heart attack Yuri gave us, Viktor let me go and we went to go eat. “Hey, Yura.” He leaned in close behind my shoulder. “Mackerel. Sake. Daikon.”

“Okay okay! I’m sorry I ever breathed wrong! Just stop yelling at me!”

“Peas. Eggs.”

“I’ll do dogeza! Please!”

He laughed and glomped me from behind, rubbing his hand on the top of my head. “You’re not half-bad, Yura. Ya know, after a few Yuri stuff lectures and brutal lessons from little girls.” He grabbed my hand and started pulling. “Come here. I want to show you something before we eat.”

“He’s in a good mood. He gets katsudon thanks to Yura. He’s currently his favorite person in the world right now,” Viktor explained to Beka.

“Hey! Are you calling me a cheap whore bought by a bowl of katsudon?”

“I didn’t call you that, my love, you did. But you know how you’re always right…”

Yuri replied by sticking out his tongue and pulling down his eyelid.

“Have you started on the sake without me?”

“Maybe. Go get some. I’ll be right there. That is if Yura hasn’t taken me to bed since he bought me and all.” He stuck out his tongue again.

“You keep sticking out that tongue and I’ll put it to use.”

“Promise?”

“Oh, my Yuri’s being vulnerable tonight, huh? I guess I’ll not go too hard on the sake so I can take care of you tonight.” He winked and I felt Yuri’s shudder through the arm over my shoulders.

“Stop being so fucking hot. You’re distracting me. I was trying to do something. Oh, right. Show Yura.” He dragged me away to a shelf in the living room. He pointed to a vase with blue flowers on it and gold veins running over it that looked like it had been broken and filled in with the gold. I froze reflexively in my spot. “Oh, sorry, Yura. It happened many years ago. I promise it’s safe. There’s nothing on the floor.” I nodded and forced myself to take a few steps to unroot myself. “I just wanted you to see what it looks like so you know what you’re looking for with Kaori. One break can be made into something beautiful if treated with care when fixing it, but you can imagine how you’d start to only see the gold if more and more cracks appeared.”

I nodded. “It really is beautiful.”

“Okay, let’s eat katsudon!” He pulled me back toward the table.

I looked back at the vase. “Hey, Yuri, who broke it?”

“Me. My mom told me again and again not to do spins in the house especially near that vase. It was my great grandmother’s and one of my mom’s favorite things in the world. I ignored her and when it broke I thought she was going to hate me forever but instead she hugged me and told me all about how I gave it a great story of a boy who had big dreams for his life. I’m sure that is the story she sees in it, but I see my mom’s love and it really does make that vase so much more beautiful to me.”

“You mean you fuck up and ignore people’s warnings too?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m human, dipshit. I recently fucked up so badly I almost got the person I love most in this world killed because I ignored his pleading for me not to leave. That… there are no words for how guilty I feel for that still. It was just like you and Kaori. I didn’t fully realize what I was doing, but I knew enough that I should have known. I should have figured out that he hadn’t told me everything yet. You think I’m all wise and shit; I’ll let you in on my secret. I fuck up a lot. Like a lot. If I’m telling you something, I most likely know it because I fucked it up too. I’ve basically just failed my way through life so far. Worked out surprisingly well though. And the great news is that as soon as you learn one lesson not to fuck up on, there’s something else right behind it to fuck up in a totally new way.”

“Beka said that half of life is fucking up and the other half is wishing you hadn’t.”

“Wise boy. I’ve forgiven him for the breakdancing. You’re allowed to date him. Any boy who cries at a little girl’s wish to skate for her dying mom is okay in my book. He’s a smooth motherfucker, isn’t he? Really sweet though too. God, I can’t believe I have to coach all you fuckers and compete against you. It worked fine with Viktor because we love each other more than anything else, but you’re competitive little shitheads. A lesson from Viktor: there is nothing in the world more precious than people who love you. He had every gold medal you could ever want and it doesn’t even come close to how happy he feels having a family.”

“I know. I could see his fakeness before. My mom wanted to be an actress and when she’s feeling needy she’ll pretend to be all loving and motherly and shit but that’s also when she’d usually hurt me the most. Viktor’s acting reminded me of her so that’s part of the reason why I shoved him away. Now that he’s with you his smiles are always real. So thanks for making my brother so happy.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that. I am so incredibly lucky that I get to be the one who does that.”

We sat down at the table that was getting really crowded but that just meant I had to sit closer to Beka which wasn’t a problem at all. “I like your drunk lectures. Less angry and way more random.”

“Vikchan! Did you bring me more sweet Russian boys? Wait, that one’s Japanese.” Hiroko pointed to the chicken as she put the pot of tea on the table and sat down.

“Yuri’s responsible for bringing that one home so don’t blame me. And Beka is actually Kazakh, not Russian, but he’s still super sweet though. I’m sure you’ll like him. I did bring him here, and um, he’s staying permanently. I hope that’s okay, Okaasan, Otousan.”

“Of course it’s okay. Look at how he makes our Yurio-chan smile! So sweet! We love having the house full of wonderful people.”

“Does this one clean?” Mari studied Beka with a stare similar to Yuri’s but more assessing him rather than trying to understand him. “I’ve got my little kitchen helper, now I need an onsen scrubbing helper. He looks strong too…”

“Geez, Oneechan. You don’t even say hi before trying to conscript him,” Yuri said.

“Oh, right. Where are my manners? Welcome to the family, Beka-chan. I’m Oneechan. Do you clean?”

“Mari-chan, no begging for help from the boys. They all train hard all day long and poor Beka-chan just got here. What we really need to be asking him is how does he feel about karaoke?” Toshiya leaned across the table to stare at Beka waiting for him to answer like he was giving the answer to the universe.

“I’ve been known to sing a time or two.”

 “Yeah! Karaoke!” Yuri and his dad both shouted as they poured each other more sake.

“Yuri! You traitor!” I slammed my hands on the table and lunged toward him with an accusing finger.

“What you don’t want Beka to sing to you?”

“Oh. Uh, karaoke sounds kinda fun…” I sat back and glanced up at Beka’s sweetly smiling face.

“It sounds a lot more fun after some sake.” Yuri handed some tiny cups and a small bottle to Beka and me. “It’s okay, Yura. Not all drinking is miserable. Drinking alone is miserable. Drinking with friends is fun. Just don’t go crazy and you’ll be fine. So we don’t really have manners around here, but I’ll teach you the rules so if you go somewhere else you know them. First of all, I’m not supposed to be drunk yet so I’m not. Shh… You’re supposed to wait for everyone to be served. And then you never pour your own glass. I actually followed that one. Thanks, Otousan. So keep an eye on your neighbor’s glass and keep it filled.” Beka filled my cup and I did the same for his. “Good, now lift your glass and well, here we’ve changed it a bit. In Japan, it’s usually just kanpai, but Viktor and I made up our own with Russian ones too so we’ll do that one. It goes, za zdorovye, za lyubov, kanpai. For those who don’t speak a million languages that means: to heath, to love, cheers!”

We all raised our glasses and gave the cheer and I took a sip of the cold sake. Huh, it’s actually good. Very mild flavor, just a little sweet. With the tiny cups I finished it quickly and Beka poured me some more kissing my cheek as he did.

“Yura, thank you for the katsudon. Viktor wasn’t entirely wrong by calling me a cheap whore when it comes to katsudon.”

“You called yourself that, idiot.”

“Oh. Right.”

“I think I’d be a cheap whore for this too.” Beka cleared his mouth and grabbed another bite unfairly skillfully with the chopsticks. “This is amazing. Why do you have to win something to have it, Yuri?”

“Because my body hates me as much as my brain does and I get fat so easily. Viktor put limits on me for training but I can eat katsudon when I want when I retire right? You’ll still love me if I’m fat?” He looked up from his bowl at Viktor with a very concerned expression.

“Of course, zolotse. I will love you forever and no little piglet belly will get in the way of that. Actually I think it’d be cute. You’ll look like you did when you were little and you were so adorable.”

“Am I not adorable now?”

“No, you are a weapon of mass destruction right now. So so sexy.”

“Ew, can you please not call my brother sexy in my presence?” Mari gagged a little.

“Did you know that every single one of us here who is not Yuri’s blood family has had a crush on him? Your brother is a sexy sexy man. Accept it.”

Yuri grinned. “Viktor Nikiforov thinks I’m sexy. Take that, Nishigori.”

“Thanks, Vitya. Way to out us all.”

“Oh the only ones embarrassed about it are you and Yuri. When he’s sober.”

“Beka’s embarrassed too.”

“Not really. He is hot. Not as hot as you but still.”

“Hey! Those are fighting words, young man. My Yuri is the hottest man on the planet.”

“No mine is.”

Their argument got louder and the evidences they provided got crazier as the sake bottles drained with poster sales and screaming fangirls being quantified through twitter posts and google searches and then arguing over the methods of calculation. Chicken and Hiroko laughed and squealed over old stories of Yuri. Mari, Toshiya, and I changed between talking about recipes and interjecting into Viktor’s and Beka’s insane argument. It did feel good to have someone argue irrationally that I was the hottest man on the planet. Yuri was too enthralled by his katsudon to say much and instead cuddled happily against Viktor while he ate. This was a world apart from my old house and it had its flaws, but I wouldn’t trade this for any gold medal. As long as I could get Grandpa’s retirement I’d be happy. Of course I still wanted to kick their asses but nicely. God how stupid had I been when I thought that I had to earn talking to Vitya again by kicking his ass? Yuri was right. I really did have some twisted thinking then. I should probably apologize to Mila and Georgi and Yakov and everyone else there. I started laughing and Beka stopped his argument to kiss me.

“What’s so funny, suyiktim?”

“I was just thinking that I should apologize to Yakov for giving him hell for years and I was picturing his reaction to that.”

“Oh god, Yurochka, I think you’d kill him. I mean really. At his age and stress levels? You’d give him a heart attack for sure. But, yeah. You should apologize at the next banquet. Not before then. He might decide he wants you back after all. I want to keep our sweet Yurochka a secret until he’s firmly ours and we need his help getting you transferred here without your mom’s consent.”

“How’s he going to do that?” Yuri finally paused his eating to look up at Viktor.

“Remember what I said about Russians and the mob?” He nodded. “It’s actually true in Yakov’s case.”

Yuri slowly nodded. “That sounds right.”

“He’s had difficult parent situations like this before. He never bothered getting my parents’ consent to take me out of the country either. They let me go train but didn’t want to be bothered with any details.”

“What’s this you’re saying about the mob?” Mari asked. “I don’t want to get kneecapped in my sleep over your skating shit.”

“What if it was to keep Yurio-chan?”

“Oh. In that case… I can’t be losing my kitchen buddy. I don’t know what you complained about before. This kid has been sweet from day one.”

“Maybe to you,” Yuri said.

“Maybe I’m just more loveable than you.”

“Hey! You take that back. My Yuri is the most loveable person on the planet.”

They started fighting over that absurd statement and I turned to Beka. “Hey, sorry about them. They’re weird, but I think you’ll learn to like them anyway.”

“I do like them. They’re a lot like my family. All families are kind of weird. This is the best kind of weird family to have.”

“Time for karaoke!” Toshiya shouted.

“You might change your opinion on that in about five seconds.”

We all stumbled to the living room and piled onto and in front of the couch. Beka and Viktor both grabbed me and Yuri and put us in their laps glaring at each other, their fight from earlier apparently not settled yet. The wobbly feeling from the sake was a bit strange, felt like coming out of a spin, but having Beka’s body around mine felt good. Really good. His lips pressed all over my neck and the warm feeling in my body swirled. Even Toshiya’s singing didn’t sound half bad with some sake and a Beka to make my body feel all sorts of new things. The chicken went up next and sang a song about devotion to Yuri. A bold move with how Viktor was glaring at him like he was going to skip plucking the feathers and go straight to roasting him. Apparently sake made whatever brains that had started to grow before disappear.

Viktor yanked the mic away from him and pulled Yuri to his feet taking the time to kiss him deeply before starting his song. He held him in his arms and swayed around the room while singing “At Last” in a surprisingly good cover of the song. Yuri blushed when Viktor sang the line, “My heart was wrapped up in clovers the night I looked at you,” and Viktor had to ignore the song to give him that look of love and desire that he always gives him before pulling his face closer to kiss him. He finished his song and Yuri took the mic, keeping Viktor in his arms, and switched from his usual preference of seducing Viktor to singing “It Had To Be You” and dancing around with him in some elaborate ballroom dance. Viktor of course looked perfectly, thoroughly, completely charmed and in love with Yuri. God they are so fucking cute together. I hope they don’t rub off on me to the point where I start saying that shit out loud. I guess worse things could happen.

Beka grabbed the mic next and climbed out from under me so he could stand in front of me and sing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” with his voice so silky, I melted right along with it. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his arms and started swaying us around the room, spinning me away from him and then grabbing me right back. Everyone started cheering for him except me because I was too stunned and way too seduced to do anything but listen to his voice and let him pull me around where he wanted. The last few notes of the song played out and he dropped me back and kissed me to the sounds of the family cheering even louder. He pulled me back up and the quiet joy flooding his flushed face was so incredibly, perfectly beautiful. Beka. So amazingly good. Yeah, this was worth everything.

“Your turn, Yurochka! Let’s see how love makes you sing!” Viktor called out.

Oh fuck. “I don’t know how to sing.”

“You clearly have not been drinking enough sake. No drunk person ever says that,” Yuri said. “I doubt you can be worse than my dad. Sorry, Otousan! I love you! Give it a shot, Yura. And hurry up. I need to claim my title back from Beka.”

“Ugh. Fine.” Even though the sake did make me feel a little bolder about putting myself out there like that I was so out of my comfort zone here I had no idea how to start, what to pick, where to stand… Jesus. I quickly drank some more sake. If Yuri claims it helps then I’m going with it. I took the mic from Beka who gave me an encouraging smile and sat down on the couch.

“Davai, Yura!” He put his thumb up and I ducked my head and smiled as I pushed the buttons on the machine to pull up the right song. I hoped it was the right song at least. It was simple enough and the guy’s style was more of the rustic, unpolished singing so I hoped it would work with my utter lack of ability. “Hold You In My Arms” by Ray Lamontagne started playing and my chest sent quivers over my body. Don’t think too much; just go for it. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I didn’t know the lyrics that well so I had to watch the display. The first few lines were shaky but with them all cheering for me it made it a little easier to push through. I didn’t know how to dance or how to seduce someone and really all I wanted to do was hold Beka so that’s what I did. I went back and sat in his lap, luckily I could still see the screen well enough, and put my free arm around him. Beka smiled, wrapped both of his arms tight around me, and kissed my cheek. I managed to make it through the song without embarrassing myself too much, I hoped, and then chucked the mic back at Yuri with great relief as they all cheered loudly. Except Beka who had his mouth too busy kissing me to cheer.

“Not bad, Yurochka. You’re adorable when you’re in love,” Yuri said as he played with the machine to set his song. “Beka, it’s officially on. You can sing better than I can, but I have better dance moves.”

“What are we competing for?”

“Who can seduce our Russian men the best of course.”

“I need a boyfriend,” Mari sighed at my feet.

“I think the chicken’s single,” I said.

“The chicken?” She looked over in his direction. “Oh. My. God. Yurio-chan, I love you. You say the best shit.”

“Kaori calls him a precious little chicken nugget.”

She started laughing even harder. “We need to invite your Kaori over for dinner. I love her already.”

“Duh. She’s awesome. You don’t even need to meet her to realize that. So you gonna make a move on the chicken? I mean you are Yuri’s sister. He’d probably love you for that alone.”

“Ew. No. I think I’ll pass on the little kid who’s madly in love with my little brother despite the fact that Viktor is going to straight up decapitate him. Know any more sexy Russian men?”

“How do you feel about men who like to wear makeup?”

“Huh?”

“Only sometimes. For performances. He’s a total weirdo but he loves women. Like gets obsessed over them like how Viktor does Yuri. Actually I think you guys would be cute together. Oh fuck. It’s official. Viktor has completely corrupted me. Thanks, asshole! You turned me into you!”

“Shh… my Yuri is seducing me. And are you trying to set up Mari and Georgi?”

“Yeah.”

He glanced over at Mari then looked back at Yuri. “Yeah, they would be cute together. He wears more makeup than she does though. And I don’t know how I feel about having Georgi as our brother.”

“Oh yeah. I didn’t think about that part.”

“Mari’s so chill though I think she’d be a good counter to Georgi’s dramatics.”

“Ugh, I can handle makeup but no drama queens. That’s Yuri-chan’s department. Does Beka-chan have any older brothers?”

“No sorry. I have a little sister. She’s adorable. Want to see? Her name is Kulai.” He pulled out his phone and proudly started swiping through photos of him and his sister hanging out on his motorcycle and eating ice cream and him pushing her on a swing in his leather jacket. So. Fucking. Cute. Do I have a maternal instinct? Seeing Beka being sweet to little girls definitely did something to me. Huh. Weird. All these things I’m learning about myself now that I feel something other than fear and anger.

Hiroko blushed and covered her face occasionally peeking out to smile as Toshiya sang an awful love song to her. Awful to me, not to her apparently. Beka was starting to look like he was about to pass out so I pulled him away from the party and down the hall to the bathroom so we could get ready for bed. I opened Yuri’s door and Potya scurried under the bed as usual. He still hadn’t quite adjusted to this place yet.

Beka put his hand on my waist and held my hair with the other. “Thank you. You’re the best.”

“Yeah? What did I do?”

“You sang me a beautiful song.”

“It wasn’t that good. Not like yours which was amazing.”

“No I really liked yours. It was incredibly sweet just like you.”

“You know I’ve been called sweet so many times by so many different people since I got to Japan. It’s really starting to mess with me.”

“How so?”

“Because I’m not sweet. I’m an asshole.”

“No. You’re sweet. You always have been. Sometimes you like to cover it up because you don’t like feeling vulnerable, but when you let your guard down it’s always right there. I love seeing your sweet side. It means you’re happy and comfortable where you are and it makes me feel good to know that you feel that with me still.” He looked over at the bed. “That thing is really small. It means we’d have to sleep really close. I can sleep in the attic if you prefer.”

“No. Close is fine.”

“Yeah?” He stepped closer and his entire body pressed against mine. He started to lean in for his kiss when Yuri burst through the door.

“Whoops. Sorry. I didn’t knock. I didn’t mean to interrupt you but, I totally do not approve of this, it’s your first night together and you’ve been drinking and Yura’s still really young, but if you are going to ignore my very wise advice as I’m fairly confident you will, look in the drawer in the nightstand. There are supplies there. Use them!” He pointed at Beka. “You’re older so you’re responsible for taking care of him. If he catches anything or is hurt emotionally or physically in any way, I will make you regret it and I guarantee that you will not be found.”

“Got it. You can count on me, sir. I will take care of him.”

“Good.”

He started to stumble back through the door. “Hey, Yuri. If this is your very wise advice does that mean that you fucked up here too?”

“Oh my god. You have no idea. I was such a slut.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, alcohol makes me crazy and I was depressed and searching for anyone who could take my mind off of Viktor and my anxiety. Didn’t work. Only the real things are worth having. Wise Yuri stuff right there. Listen to it. I never messed up about not using condoms though so if even I didn’t fuck that up then you have no excuse. Alcohol and boys: a dangerous weapon. Well have fun with your loaded gun! Goodnight, kids.” He waved and closed the door.

“Drunk Yuri is a totally different man from sober Yuri.”

“I know, right? I think Viktor’s plan is to just get him to act like he does when he’s drunk for his performances.”

“Are they really that sexy?”

“Yeah, it was hell trying to skate and not get a fucking boner watching him.”

“Are you still unclear on if you want him?” Beka smiled just a bit.

“No. I’m certain that don’t want him anymore. I want you. I always wanted you. I just… forgot. You and Yuri have a lot in common. I think when I wanted him I was always wanting you. I just had the wrong person.” I cringed knowing how bad this must sound but I plowed ahead because I had no other way to say it. “When Viktor left Russia, I was so upset I spent months studying Yuri trying to see what was so special about him to make Viktor leave me. I was too obsessed with him when I met you to really see you. Sorry. That probably sounds awful.”

“No it makes sense.”

“I see you now though. I see you and I remember you and I’m so grateful that you never gave up on us. I missed you without realizing I was missing you. I just felt awful and alone and I didn’t know that I was needing you to come back until you did. I’ve had this ache that has been chewing on me for years and I thought it was about Grandpa and my mom, but it went away when I finally got to give you that kiss that I so desperately wanted to give you years ago.”

“Yura.” His eyes watered and he blinked hard. I stood up on my toes to reach him and give him something better to do with his eyes closed. His lips, so soft and warm, were developing a craving inside me that irrationally made me want to forego tasting anything but his lips ever again. He put his hands on my face and gently pushed me back. “I could have come back sooner and I didn’t because of my stupid pride. I left you alone and hurting because of it. I figured out years ago what must have been going through your mind when you pushed me away. I could have fought for you as soon as I realized what it was I was fighting.”

“Your pride is one of my favorite things about you. And if you had come back sooner I wouldn’t have been ready for you. I literally just admitted out loud that I was gay for the first time yesterday. A day ago I wouldn’t have been ready. You came back the second I was strong enough. Your timing is perfect.”

He smiled. “Viktor’s timing. He’s the one who told me to come on the next flight out. He said I had a small window before your guilt closed you off again and made it that much harder to get you to make the right choice for yourself. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but like I said, I wasn’t going to pass up any chances so I trusted that he knew what he was talking about and went with it.”

“One second. I’ll be right back.” I closed the door behind me. “Vitka!” I stomped back down the hall into the living room and pointed at Viktor. “You considered everything and you knew exactly what you were doing. You weren’t sorry at all. Liar.”

Yuri stopped his song to Mari and grinned. “He’s never sorry.”

“Not true. I was sorry you were upset, but no, I wasn’t sorry that I did it. Yura, what would you have done if he hadn’t been shoved in your face before you had a chance to think about it?”

“Overthought everything, pushed him away because I felt bad about hurting him and fucked everything up.” I growled and flung my arms out to gesture just how big I would have fucked up.

“You’re welcome!” he sang out as I turned back to my room.

“Asshole! I might have figured it out eventually. I am getting a little better.”

“Really wanted to take that chance?”

“No!”

I went back into my room and resumed my position back in front of Beka who gave me a little smile. “So are we taking Yuri’s advice or ignoring it?”

“I think my body isn’t going to give me a choice.” He brought his hand to my face and gripped my hair into a kiss and a little quiver started in my throat. “I’m about to fall asleep on my feet.”

“Oh, right. You need sleep.” We climbed into bed and he pulled me right into him before I had the chance to awkwardly wonder what I was supposed to do. His arms held me tight against his strong body and every single muscle in mine just let go. He buried his face in my hair and my neck and I felt his smile on my shoulder.

“I’m so happy, Yura. Thank you.”

“What did I do?”

“You love me.”

“Oh. Yeah, I do.”

“Good night, suyiktim. I love you.”

“I love you too, Bekam.”

His lips pressed against my skin. “You remember.”

“Yeah. I’m remembering more the more time I spend with you, zhanym.”

His arms tightened around me. “I’m really really happy, Yurayim. So so… happy.” His voice drifted off until it was just his breath against my skin and his chest squeezing us tighter with every breath he drew in.

“Me too, zhanym.” I twisted to kiss his arm then relaxed back into the deep calm his arms created in my body. “Potya…” I whispered so I wouldn’t wake him. “Kotyonok…” I patted the spot next to me and he crawled out from under the bed and, after sniffing at Beka to make sure he was okay, curled up against my chest.


	13. Chapter 13

“Coach Yura, I’m a little scared.” Kaori looked up at me with her eyes filled with her gilded trust, giving it to me once again and asking me to be careful this time. Yeah, it wasn’t perfect trust anymore. It was better. Trust that she gave me knowing I am capable of breaking it. Isn’t that a stronger trust than the perfect kind?

I picked her up into my arms and held her tight. “You’re going to be awesome, little ice tiger. It’s normal to be scared though before a performance. Everyone gets a little scared. Coach Yuri gets really really scared.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He gets so scared he gets sick. It doesn’t matter though. He goes out anyway and skates so beautifully. He taught me a trick that helps him do that. Do you want to learn it?”

“Yes!”

“Okay.” I put her on the ground and knelt down in front of her to put my hands over her chest and belly. “Everyone has a shake spot. It’s the spot where we hold all of our fear trying to keep it hidden from the world. Some people keep it in their stomach like Coach Yuri. Some keep it a little higher up where the chest and the belly meet and some people like me hold it in their chests. I’m trying to feel yours right now.” I smiled. “Of course. Yours is in your chest just like mine.” I tapped right over her heart. “You feel that right there? How it’s shaking really hard?” She nodded. “You’re keeping a lot of fear in there. You need to let it spread out over every inch of you. I know that seems scary to do, but it makes it better. The shaking gets a little quieter and it feels easier to move your body.” I put my hand over her chest. “Let me feel it. All of your fear. Let it break down the wall you’ve got it stuck behind and go into my hands and all over you.” I pressed my other hand behind her back to steady her.

“Coach Yura, I feel like I’m going to cry.”

“That’s okay. It’s good to be tough and strong, but if you don’t let your fear and sadness out sometimes it can turn into anger that makes you push everyone away and that feels really bad. I used to do that but Coach Viktor and Coach Yuri and Coach Beka helped me fix that.”

“How did they do that?”

“Coach Viktor pushed me. He didn’t care what I thought, he knew what was best for me and he kept on doing it no matter how much I hurt him. Coach Yuri opened my eyes. He showed me how much I was hurting people who cared about me and how much I was hurting myself. Coach Beka taught me that good and bad can sometimes mix together but searching for the good through all of the hurt and holding on to it is the best path to happiness. And there’s one more coach I didn’t say before but she’s the one who taught me the biggest lesson. Coach Kaori. She taught me that I have a responsibility to protect the trust that people place in me and she showed me just how much I lose by breaking that trust. Thank you, Coach Kaori.” She giggled and I felt her chest relax just a little. “Good. Just like that. Keep relaxing it more. Sometimes it helps to first tighten up every muscle as hard as you can. Go ahead. Get nice and tight and hold it.” I counted down from ten. “Okay, relax now.” Her body hunched forward over my hand. “Good, Kaori. Now relax even more. Let me feel all of your fear and it’s okay if you cry.”

“But it’s scary when I cry. I cry really hard because I’m really sad about my mom and it hurts and I feel like I can’t stop.”

“I’m sorry. That does sound scary, but I’m right here and we got through it together last time, right?” She nodded. “I’ll help you again. Just let this spot go and try to feel the shaking all over.” Her eyes closed and the shaking in her chest got harder before it broke free and tears started down her cheeks. Her weight fell into my hands and I sat down on the ground to hold her in my lap. Her sobs got harder as she wrapped her tiny arms around my body. “That’s good, Kaori. Just relax and let out all of your fear. I’ve got you.”

“My mom is going to be gone forever. I’ll never get… to hug her. Or tell… her… about skating. My heart hurts, Coach Yura.”

“I’m so sorry, kotyonok. I can’t imagine how much that hurts to lose someone you love like that. Coach Viktor might know how to help you with that. He’s been through what you are now and he survived it and it’s made him a better person in a lot of ways. And your mom asked me to tell you something important.”

“What’s that?”

“She said to tell you that when she goes to the other side, she’s going to wait for you on the ice. She’ll watch over you there and you can draw her beautiful pictures with your skates and tell her anything you want and she’ll see it all. And any time you feel like hugging her, you can hug me and I’ll give you a hug back that’s filled with your mom’s love. See, I made a promise to your mom to look out for you and when I did, she gave me all of the love she has for you so I can hold onto it for her and give it to you any time you need. It was a lot of love. It’s really heavy. It’s a good thing that I’m used to really heavy hugs. I got strong enough to hold on to all that love for you just in time just like how you got strong enough to show your mom how beautiful you are on the ice just in time. I’m so proud of you. You worked so hard and you went way past my expectations of you and I had high expectations so that wasn’t an easy thing to do. So, you have nothing to fear, Kaori. You’re going to be just fine.” I rocked her gently and rubbed her back until her tears slowed and I grabbed a tissue to wipe her face. Little hiccups and catching breaths made her lips tremble as she pulled back to look up at me.

“I love you, Coach Yura.”

“I love you too, Kaori. My little ice tiger.” I wiped her face again and turned around to face the audience that had gathered behind me. They were all leaning on each other and wiping tears from each other’s faces trying not to smudge their makeup. Beka, Yuri, Viktor, Grandpa! What is Grandpa doing here?! Minako and Mari wiped their faces and came over to Kaori.

“Hey, sweetie. It’s time to put on your makeup. Are you ready?” She nodded and Minako took her hand.

“Thanks, Coach Yura. I do feel a lot better.”

“Good. Go on now. We don’t want to make your mom wait.”

“Right!” She ran off with Minako.

“Your makeup too, Yurio-chan,” Mari said.

“One second.” I ran over to Grandpa who was still sniffling into his handkerchief. “Grandpa!” I threw my arms around him. “What are you doing here?”

“Yurochka. Oh, my Yurochka. You’ve grown up so much. I’m so proud of you. Vitya was right. He said I wouldn’t recognize you with your eyes up. He translated everything for me just so I could hear what an amazing man my Yurochka has become. How have you grown so much in such little time?”

“I have really good coaches. I’m guessing Vitya brought you here, but how? Don’t you have work?”

“No. I’m retired.”

“What?! How?!”

“You.”

“Huh?”

“The extra job you took on was enough to let me retire.”

I switched to English to ask Viktor what the hell he’d done this time. I thought we talked about this. “Vitya. What did you do?”

“Well, I suppose I should have talked to you first, but I’m meddlesome and love surprising people so I never do stuff like that. I just figured that since your goal was to earn your grandpa’s retirement, I should just send your paychecks right to him.”

“Paychecks?”

“For coaching, dummy.”

“You’re an official coach of the KNSA. You need to get paid for that,” Yuri said.

“What?! When did that happen?”

“The first day you taught class. It was a test. We wanted to see how you handled yourself with no supervision. Well, that you knew of. And while it ended in disaster you knew when you were in over your head and called for help. It was really funny too. That earned you a bonus. We’re all really proud of you, Yura. You more than earned that money. You’re still getting paid for being Beka’s assistant coach and Kaori’s head coach and if you’d like to earn a little more, you can teach some classes during the week.”

“Do you see it now, Yura? The whole world that lives between winning and cleaning toilets?” Viktor smiled a warm, half-smile.

“Yeah. I see it.” I flung myself on him and hugged him with all of my pathetic strength. “Thank you.”

“I’m so proud of you. Now hurry up before you make her mom wait.”

“Right.” I followed Mari to the makeup table they set up in the locker room so she could paint some awesome tiger stripes all over my face. Turns out those animal print leggings weren’t so bad after all. With those and a tiger striped shirt and a tail and some ears, Kaori and I made some really awesome white ice tigers. Mari dug the black around my eyes in a thick line. “Ow! Careful, woman! You’re stronger than you think. You’re a Katsuki for god’s sake. You all have some freaky strength hiding under such soft people.”

“Oh, stop complaining. I’m in a rush because someone was dawdling.” She lightened her pressure anyway. Beka came over to comb my hair back into a half-ponytail to hold it out of my face then went over to Kaori and twisted her hair into an impressively intricate braid. So. Fucking. Cute! “Hey! Quit trying to stare at your boyfriend. You’re moving my canvas.”

“Oh, sorry.” I turned back but my eyes kept watching Beka. She sighed and spun me around so I could see him and resumed her work.

“Russians. Obsessive lovers the lot of you.”

“Okay, she’s ready for coach’s inspection!” Minako called out and twirled Kaori around. The white tiger costume stood out against her dark features and with the extra black around her eyes, she looked beautiful and fierce.

“She looks like the perfect ice tiger. Let me hear your roar.” She put her hands up into claws and made a throaty roar. “It’s gotta be loud remember. From your belly.” She roared again louder and I roared back at her. “There you go. Okay, we’re ready.” We posed for some pictures and I took her hand and led her to the ice where everyone else was waiting. Her mom sat in the first row looking so bright and happy next to her dad and her brother. Kaori waved to her and she smiled and waved with both hands back. Yuri skated out to the center with a microphone. He had tried to pass the job to one of us, but he’s the only one who spoke Japanese well enough so he was stuck with it. His voice only shook a little as he welcomed everyone and announced the creation of the Fujimoto Shiori Scholarship. He said something else that made tears start leaking out of the audience and all over the bleachers and they kept coming harder the more he talked. Yeah, guys, I know the feeling. I looked down at Kaori, but she was just standing there gathering up her determination. Yuri skated back and shut off the mic.

“Ready to go make some beautiful drawings for your mom?”

“Yeah. Let’s do this.” She stepped onto the ice first to a roaring round of applause. I followed right behind her and took my position at the other end of the rink.

The applause died down and our family all shouted, “Davai, Yura! Davai, Kaori!” at the absolute top of their lungs. We gave them a thumbs up and waited for the music. Katy Perry’s “Roar” came on and I moved into an arrogant display across the ice. Empty. Lonely. Angry. Hungry to win. I skated alone with all of those feelings that should be familiar now feeling like a stranger had settled in my body. Through quads and intricate footwork, I kept my eyes fixed away from the little girl struggling to stand at the opposite end. She finally got her feet under her and looked up to see me and stare in wonder. Determined, faltering steps brought her close enough to reach out but I ignored her plea. She kicked her feet out from under her then got up skating harder than before and I watched over my shoulder as she grew her skills through force of will alone.

I skated over and demonstrated a spiral, holding my leg high over my head. She watched then copied it beautifully. I smiled and started showing her more, her dance an echo of mine. The echoes closed in until our dance synchronized and we started skating together, laughing and spinning and lifting her from the ice so she can fly. My jumps turned into flowing singles across the ice, weaving between hers. She did a waltz jump and pirouetted on the landing then I caught her raised hand and spun her stretched out over the ice around me, her trust that I won’t drop her being the only thing keeping her from the ice. I pulled her up and we stomped our determination and fierceness through turns across the ice. The smile on her face radiated and I was certain that the people in the farthest rows could see every crinkle around her eyes and the two dimples at the tops of her cheeks. We went into our spins and as the music ended we stopped facing each other to roar our loudest, fingers shaped into claws, in each other’s faces. She flew into my open arms, both of us laughing. The audience rose up into a standing ovation that got louder as she waved to them from inside my arms.

“Did I do good?”

“You did amazing, little ice tiger. I’m so proud of you. It was really fun performing with you too.” I took her hand and we bowed and then cleared the ice for Beka. I wish I could have watched him, but we had to get changed and the makeup washed off. We did stop to shout our davais though before he started.

I changed into an old costume of Viktor’s, one that was white and had feathers on the shoulders. It was a little crazy but Kaori had picked it wanting to see me skate like an angel before she skated and at least I didn’t have to learn how to skate with wings attached to my arms like the rest of the guys. I tried to picture Beka as the eagle as I changed, his soaring jumps flying him over the ice. He’d actually managed to get his spread eagle in time to put it in the routine thanks to Yuri’s voodoo stretching. I had been right. It did look good on him with his determination flinging out to the edges of his body and his chest and chin lifted with pride. Viktor had spared no expense in turning him into a literal eagle as well, paying I’m sure a gob of money to have exquisite costumes made in a rush. He looked amazing in it though with his strong wings soaring him over the ice and to his prize of honor.

We came back out in time to watch the end of Viktor’s performance as a swan. Beautiful, graceful, peaceful skating across his shimmering frozen pond. Taking off to lift his dreams to the world and coming back down again to rest, graciously drawing others in and letting them relax with his humble strength supporting them and keeping his efforts hidden below the surface.

Yuri was an owl. His eyes made up to widen them and let the full force of his intense stare out. Kaori and I watched as he flew around the rink and saw into the souls of everyone there. The audience watched him in a strange quiet and I knew that they were feeling it too. The owl quietly pulling them apart, rearranging things and shining new light in the darkness out of his glowing eyes. Even in a stripped-down performance, his expression was unmatched. Actually, I think it was shown off even more here without him having to worry too much about his easy jumps. With the spotlights dimmed to make him fly through the night with flashes of moonlight capturing his flight, it was eerily beautiful. Leaning on the boards to support him, Viktor watched his Yuri with admiration and awe all over his face still made up like the swan. Yuri’s performance ended and it took a few seconds for the audience to redress themselves before they could cheer at the top of their lungs, all of us on the side included. Damn, he’s going to be hard to beat.

He skated off the ice and I slipped off my guards. Beka picked up Kaori and gave me a kiss. He really looked hot in makeup. Like, holy shit kind of hot. Then again, he looked hot in just about everything. But still, the strength in his enhanced eagle eyes stabbed right into my heart. I had to stop to take a picture of the sexiest man alive holding the most beautiful girl alive. So so fucking cute. God, I want to have babies with that man. I wished we could officially call Kaori ours, but she still had her dad and brother so she was just our very beloved student. I guess that’s probably a good thing considering that I’m still only fifteen. It’s probably a good thing I’m not a girl and gay. I’d definitely end up pregnant as a teenager. Most likely on purpose. Beka gave Kaori a kiss on the cheek. Most definitely on purpose.

I put my focus back to where it needed to be and stepped onto the ice to applause and their davais. My hair that was loose again and getting longer by the day floated around my face as I looked down at the drawings we all had made. So beautiful and still two more to go. I took a deep breath and cleared the ice in my mind so I could draw a picture up there for Kaori’s mom. I slid across the ice and into my performance.

I make mistakes. A lot of them. I’m still young and I’m going to make many more. I’m no angel, but I know that in her eyes, I am. I made a promise to her first to help her fly across the ice. It was her love for you that gave her the determination that caught my eye. Maybe it wasn’t the determination that I saw and really it was her love giving her strength that captured me. Stretching me further, making me fall, and teaching me to rise again better than before. Your Kaori is a part of me now. She gave me pieces of herself that broke off when I dropped her and I didn’t know what to do with them. I looked up the broken vases that Yuri had told me about and learned that sometimes they join two separate vases together with gold so both of their patterns join and create something entirely new. What a beautiful idea. So I gave my pieces right back to her to fill the holes of the ones she had given me and together we’re going to keep looking for the gold in life that holds us together. Some of it will be found on the ice and some of it will be found where it’s warm and welcoming. No matter where it is, we’ll find it together. I promise.

I crossed my hands over my heart and bowed to her and then to Kaori. Kaori cheered loudly, raising her arms up in the air and then out to me as I skated close enough to grab her. “Was I good enough, little ice tiger? Do you think your mom saw the picture I drew for her out there?”

“Yeah. She looked so happy watching you. You’re so pretty when you skate. Well, you’re pretty all the time, but especially when you skate.”

“Yeah, what she said.” Beka smiled and gave me a kiss as I set Kaori back on the ground.

I knelt down in front of her. “Okay, my kotyonok. Are you ready to draw her your picture?”

“I’m shaking again.” Her lip trembled.

“That’s okay. You’re letting it go all over you, right?” She nodded. “Then it’s fine. You can skate just like that without a problem. You won’t even notice it after you start. You look so beautiful and you’re going to look even more beautiful out on the ice.” I didn’t have to take a picture with my phone, there were so many that had captured her beauty including the professionals snapping us together right now, but I pulled out my phone anyway and froze forever the way she looked with her eyes and cheeks dusted with flecks of gold, eyelashes dark and lips reddened to draw out her face on the ice. The little dimples at the tops of her cheeks deepened with her smile. The braid Beka had done was now covered in tiny white flowers that looked like snow in her hair. So beautiful. I took another one with us next to each other and one more with everyone pressed close behind us. I set her down with one last hug. “Go make her smile.”

She nodded and took a deep breath then stepped onto the same ice I had led her through by her trembling hands just six weeks ago while pride crashed through my chest. Beka wrapped his arm around me while we waited for the crowd to close out their cheers. It took so long. She smiled and waved to them all, drawing out their cheers to the longest I’d ever heard before a performance had even started. She set up her opening position and the crowd started to quiet. “Davai, Kaori!” Every single one of us in her skating family screamed as loud as our lungs would let us.

The song she and Beka picked was a violin piece with a quiet intensity. The start of something building under pressure, shaping slowly into something that when it releases will shake the world with its thunder. Her fluttering red dress made just for her bloomed across the ice. Her arms stretched wide and her body settled firmly over her blades as her foot crossed over the other drawing more power from the ice. A single axel barreled into like a freight train and finished with a graceful curve of her back drew a gasp from her audience. An axel. I hadn’t even dreamed she could do it, but I so wanted to see it on her. The axel was made for skaters like her and Yuri who rushed in fearlessly over any obstacle including fear. A spread eagle. Chest lifted, arms thrown out to the world. Made for skaters with pride and confidence and trust in their own abilities. Beka. Her arms swirled around her. Sparkling eyes up so they can look out and experience the world and look for connections that bring peace to your life. Grace. Dignity. Joy. Viktor. A combination spin, one-foot to sit spin to a camel stretched long and straight, hand to her chest. Balance and control under extreme forces that blind to the outside world and leave you with only what’s within. Me. The mix of all of them, gained at insane speed through love and a desire to fulfil her dying mother’s wish to see her daughter happy and with a bright future. Kaori.

She danced across the ice, jumps and spins and heartfelt gestures to her mom telling her that she was going to be okay. She knew where to find her after she was gone and that place was filled with warm people to give her their love. She was a bright jewel on the ice full of love and passion for life. The wind brushed the loose strands that escaped her braid from her face as she smiled so peacefully. Her performance was still small, she didn’t have the height to soar yet, but she was flying.

She ended her performance to the loudest and longest applause I had ever heard in my life. The smaller numbers didn’t stop them. They wanted the whole world to know of the incredible Kaori. Before she bowed or waved, she smiled and looked back over the ice to see the drawing she had made layered over ours. She took a few turns around the ice inspecting it with a smile just like Viktor had done with mine what felt like a lifetime ago. She looked up to me and I nodded, flinging my tears off my chin. She smiled even brighter and finally took her bow, first to her mom and then to every section of the crowd. She waved us over and all of her coaches joined her on the ice. The audience somehow found the strength to increase their cheers as I picked her up and set her on my shoulder. She waved to them proudly with both hands then bent down to stroke my hair and kiss my head. Her mom didn’t take her eyes off of her or let her smile fall away even through her sobs. I carried her off the ice to her waiting fans where she led us in our rounds greeting fans and taking pictures and signing autographs. Fujimoto Kaori was not a name they ever wanted to forget.

Yuri’s home was completely filled. Kaori and her family. Beka, Grandpa, Viktor and Yuri and his family of course, Minako, Yuuko and her family, the chicken, plus a random assortment of others who Yuri had recognized at the performance and invited over as well as a few guests who complained about the noise and were soothed with an invitation to the party. Complete chaos reigned with sake and all sorts of Japanese alcohol plus vodka for the Russians. Food and dishes everywhere. Ear-splitting amount of karaoke. Drunk Yuri and drunk Viktor at it again with Toshiya providing backup in case their drunken shenanigans weren’t enough. At least they left their clothes on for the sake of the small children. Or for the sake of me not beating them with a goddamn bible as I had threatened to do. I was pretty well drunk too, but I wasn’t nearly as prone to stripping as those two assholes were.

I cuddled on Beka’s lap happier to just hang out with him instead of dancing with the rest. The chicken came and gave me a hug which I somewhat graciously accepted and sat down next to us. “My coach was really impressed when I came back. She thought I was just taking a vacation to stalk Yuri, which I was, but she said I really improved and skating is more fun than ever. I wasn’t actually expecting to get better at a camp for beginning skaters but it turns out that punk asshole two years younger than me and still in juniors really knows his shit. And what you did with Kaori… It’s incredible. Really. She’s already blowing up all over the internet. You taught her an axel in six weeks? From nothing to that performance?”

“Not from nothing. From Kaori. I started with Kaori and that was already a hell of a lot to work with. She schooled you her very first day. God I wish I hadn’t been laughing too hard to get that on video. It was amazing.”

“My ass was bruised for a month.” His mouth twisted into a pout.

“Yeah but you can get up now, can’t you?”

“Yeah. I can’t take a fall without seeing her little face with tears in her eyes daring me to make her do it again. My coach said she’d never seen my determination like that before. I told her that’s because it’s not mine. It’s Kaori’s.”

“You know that wouldn’t have worked if you weren’t a decent guy. She was using your desire not to see her hurt against you.”

“Yeah. Little punk. She’s definitely your student.”

I ginned. “Thanks. Best compliment ever. Did you really come all the way back down just to see her?”

“Yeah of course. Well, and Yuri.”

“You’re such an idiot. I’m telling you, that ain’t happening. You see those two?” I pointed to Viktor and Yuri. “That is fucking true love. I wouldn’t even know how to love Beka at all if it weren’t for those two getting together so if you think I-”

“Calm down. I’m done trying to steal him. I still like watching him skate though. He’s so perfect. I mean, that owl performance… it was really one of his best even though it was so basic. He stopped the breathing of every person in there.”

“Yeah. I know. That’s the guy to beat next year. Not Viktor.”

“Finally. I watched him skate for so long knowing he had such an incredible potential and it was so frustrating watching him just miss it over and over again. I can’t imagine what he felt living it.”

“Yeah. I think he was a lot more frustrated than he let on in interviews and such. He really is a skater to look up to. I can see why you do. Just leave him and Viktor alone. Maybe Viktor will forgive you one day and you can come skate with Yuri as your coach after they retire.”

“Yeah that’d be awesome. Yuri Plisetsky in a few years is going to be even better as a coach than he is now. I look forward to working with him.”

“Huh?”

“I’d be too distracted by Yuri to actually get any real training done. I’d do better with the Yuri who kicks my ass. Or sends little girls in to do it for him.” He punched my arm and stood up. “I’m going to get more sake and take a turn on the karaoke. See ya, Coach Yura!”

“See ya, Chi- Minami.”

“You can call me Chicken. I kinda like it.”

“See ya, Chicken.”

Kaori came running over in a pretty red dress that looked a lot like her costume and the flowers still in her hair. “My precious chicken nugget!” She gave him a big hug. “Have you been getting up like I taught you?”

“Yes! Yes I have. I’ve been doing my best to make you proud.”

“Good.”

“You skated beautifully tonight. You’re going to be amazing after a few years with Coach Yura.”

“Thank you!” She bowed and ran into my lap. Beka didn’t seem to mind the extra weight. He just hugged me tighter and smiled. Her dimples sparkled with the gold flecks over them as she tossed her arms around me and gave me and Beka both a kiss on the cheek. “I love you both so much!”

“Have you been getting into the sake?” I poked her belly.

“No, Coach Yura! I promise I haven’t.”

“I’m just teasing you. We love you too. Is your family having fun?”

“Yeah. My dad is actually smiling. I haven’t seen him smile in a really long time.”

“That’s great. Is Hitoshi still saying that he doesn’t want to skate?”

“Yeah. He never really wanted to. He just came for me and mom.”

Grandpa came over to take the spot that Chicken had just left and smiled at Kaori. Kaori smiled back then looked up at me. “Coach Yura, can you teach me Russian?”

“Sure. Why though?”

“So I can talk to Grandpa.” Oh. My heart just broke a little. I didn’t know it did that from too much cute too. I whispered in her ear and she repeated me. “Privet, Dedushka!”

Grandpa’s face slowly filled with his rare but wide smile. “Privet, vnuchka.”

“That means hello, granddaughter.”

She smiled at me and he opened his arms and she climbed into his lap. He gave her a tight hug then started telling her a little fairy tale that he’d told me about a little girl (it had been a boy when he told me) who desperately wanted to see the ocean but lived on the other side of the mountains. She journeyed hard and long and met all sorts of crazy characters on the way like a fox who lost his tail and a wolf who was scared of mice. He put most of the story into his face and his gestures and I translated any words she couldn’t pick up from his gestures. She sat with her eyes wide watching his face tell the story through the entire messy tale. So that’s where I get it from. I’d forgotten how silly Grandpa was with little kids. I was really lucky to have so many people to give me all the best parts of themselves. They had to break themselves to do it, but they all gave their pieces as a gift. Now it was my turn to give some of mine back.

Grandpa’s story ended and Kaori got up to drag him over to meet her mom. “I should go with you to translate.” I started to stand up.

“No stay there and be cute on Coach Beka’s lap. Grandpa talks just fine without words.”

“Well I guess I can’t ignore an order from Coach Kaori.” She smiled and dragged a very happy Grandpa away. “Hey, Beka?”

“Yeah?”

“I know it’s a party and all and I shouldn’t be thinking of shitty things, but seeing Kaori’s mom is making me think them anyway.”

“What’s wrong, suyiktim?” He kissed my cheek.

“When I first saw her mom… she looked like my mom. I almost had a heart attack it was so close. She even called me over like how my mom does when she’s pretending to be sweet. She’s really nothing like my mom at all. Her smiles are all so real. But… my mom always says that she’s sick. I just wrote it off as her being dramatic and pathetic and looking for sympathy but I think she might really be sick. Not like how Kaori’s mom is but sick in her mind.”

“Yeah. From what you told me that sounds right.”

“There’s nothing that can be done for Kaori’s mom, but is there something that might fix mine?”

“Yeah there’s a lot of treatments now to help people like her. The problem with them is that the person has to want to change. You can’t force them into it and when people are sick like that they often don’t want to change.”

“I can send Yuri to make her want to change.”

“I think her problems go past what he’s capable of.”

I gasped. “What?! You mean wise Yuri has limits?”

He smiled. “Yeah you weren’t very much of a tough nut to crack. You always just wanted someone to care about you. You crumble right apart when you have that.”

“Psh. I’m super tough. A fierce ice tiger.”

“Yeah you are. A very sweet and loving one.” He tickled my sides and gave me a kiss with his love for me written all over his eyes.

“How do I make her want to change?”

“You can’t. I think the most you can do is ask her if she wants to change and offer her help if she says yes.”

“How do I help her?”

“She needs doctors who work with mental problems and family to help support her.”

“I can’t go back there.”

“Of course not. I wouldn’t want you to. You’ve already suffered the effects of her illness for far too long. You don’t have to be there to support her.”

“I hate her though. How can I support her and help her if I hate her?”

“I don’t know, but it sounds like you want to try. You do what you want and I’ll support you any way that I can. You don’t owe her anything. She certainly never gave you anything so it’s entirely up to you if you want to help her or not.”

“A gift. She doesn’t deserve it, but I can give it anyway.”

“Yeah.”

I pulled my phone out and stared at the now hundreds of unread messages. A gift. So many people gave me gifts when I really didn’t deserve them at all. Maybe I wasn’t quite as bad as my mom, but I still cut them and pushed them away and caused them stress and heartache and dropped them. All the things my mom had done to me. Yeah. I can give her a gift. Whether she accepts it or not is up to her.

I deleted every message she sent and typed one in reply. “Mom. Are you sick?”

A reply came a few moments later. “You know I am, you ungrateful little faggot! Get your ass back home now!” Beka cringed as he read the message and squeezed me tighter.

“I’m not going back there. This is my home. That place isn’t a home at all. Do you want help escaping it too?”

“Yes I want help! I’ve been sending you messages telling you that I need help at home, you fucking idiot! Get your fucking ass back here now!”

I put the phone in my pocket. “One second. I’ll be right back.” I gave Beka a kiss and went over to Viktor. “Hey, Vitya, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure!” He grabbed me and started dancing around the room with me while I tried to keep my feet away from his big drunk ones.

“My mom’s sick. Not like how Kaori’s mom is but sick in her head. Can you help me help her? I’m not quite sure what kind of help to offer.”

He stopped dancing and the smile wiped off his face. “Yes. Of course I’ll help you. I’ll text you the name and address of a really good doctor there and I’ll tell him to send her bill to me. All she needs to do is make an appointment and he’ll handle everything from there.”

“Thank you, Vitya.” I pulled out my phone. “Can you just text it to her?”

“Sure.” He grabbed my phone and typed in the name and address and phone number and handed it back to me to send.

I hit the arrow and followed up with one more message. “Make an appointment with him right now. Your bill is covered so don’t worry about that. Listen to him and do what he says. He knows what he’s talking about and he wants to help you. Keep your eyes up, mom. There’s a whole world out there. I want you to see it.”

I looked back up to see tears in Viktor’s eyes. “Yurochka. You are so beautiful. You’ve grown up so much and it’s insane how proud of you I am. You know, I don’t see Alexei’s eyes in yours anymore. I only see yours and they are so beautiful. Thank you for showing them to me.”

I gave him a hug. “Thank you for helping me find them. Now stop crying and go dance with your love like a complete idiot again.”

“Will do!” He staggered off to go find Yuri who had wandered off somewhere probably in search of more sake.

I made my way through the chaos and the sloshed sake on the floor back to Beka and his quiet comfort, the tatami mats’ rippled texture soft under my bare feet.


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the story ended with the last chapter, but I can't promise a dance off between Lilia and Minako without writing it, right? So this just covers basically how their season went and how their futures unfold. It also has a Victuuri (Or Yuuvic. They go both here.) wedding so if you like that, read on. Also, this may be the world's longest epilogue. I'm not sorry.

Skating without desperation is a very different thing than skating with nothing but blackness and a tiny gold medal far in the distance. Skating was fun and beautiful and challenging; not a tool for shoveling myself out of a pile of shit. The two couldn’t even compare. I lived for skating with my family now. If I won gold, or silver, or bronze, that was just icing on the cake. Okay, maybe I had a few more bronze medals than I would have liked this season, but it didn’t matter. I still had more time to learn.

Sponsors banged down my door for both me and Kaori wanting us to do exhibitions and appear together in commercials and stuff like that. The repeat of her mom’s exhibition was a popular request and we all tried to be available as much as we could. She loved doing it so much and her performance soared higher every time. Her mom’s death was a nasty fall, but she got up stronger than she had been before and put every bit of her love for her mom on the ice while I dripped out her mom’s love to her along with my own in every hug she gave me.

I sat on the wide bed in the hotel room in Boston while Beka showered. My phone buzzed and I smiled when I saw who sent the text.

“Hi, Coach Yura! Make sure you skate really pretty for me today! Davai, Yura!”

“I will make you proud. But aren’t you supposed to be in school right now?”

“It’s late on Saturday night, silly.”

“Oh. Right. I can never figure out these time differences. You should be asleep then. You need your rest after all that hard training. Thanks for cheering me on. I love you, kotyonok!”

“Love you too!”

I smiled then looked at the unread message from my mom. I was still in the habit of ignoring them as long as possible even though they had been improving little by little. I tapped the screen.

“Good luck this week.” It was sent a few days ago. I was still staring at it when Beka walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist.

“What’s wrong, suyiktim?”

“Nothing.” I handed him the phone and he smiled when he read it.

“That’s great, Yura. Really really great.”

“Yeah.” He handed the phone back and I typed thanks and hit send.

“Are you ready to kick some ass again?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Totally. Right after this.” He grinned and jumped on me pinning me to the bed. His skin just out of the shower felt like it did coming from the onsen and the hint of his cologne smelled amazing. It didn’t take long for me to start getting worked up. With the improved training Yuri had given him, he looked sexier than ever and even I wasn’t as much of a twig as I had been before. His fingers were of course all twisted in my hair which was now reaching past my shoulders. He pulled back and gave me one last quick kiss. “Okay. Time to get ready.”

“Hey, Beka. Are you still going to want me when I’m older and not so girly?”

“What kind of a stupid question is that? Of course I’ll want you, suyiktim.”

“What if I get taller than you? I’ve been growing a lot lately. You said you like when I look up at you. What if I can’t do that anymore?”

“You can always look up at me from your knees, suyiktim.” His voice growled lightly and his lips curled up into a smile.

My cock jumped, tugging at my stomach. “Holy shit you’re hot.” He grinned and came back to kiss me. “Hey, Beka… I think I’m ready.”

“You think? Then it’s still a no.” His lips moved over to my neck.

“No. I’m ready.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. I want all of you. I want to make you lose control. I’m ready. I’m telling you now because I want to drink tonight and I don’t want you refusing me because of it. I’m ready.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. I thought I just told you that a whole bunch of times.” I playfully shoved him but of course got nowhere with that. “Let me try it a different way.” I pulled his ear down to my lips and lowered my voice. “I want you to fuck me so badly it’s all I’ve been able to think about for weeks now so no matter what happens, don’t you dare refuse me tonight. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Did I do that right?”

“Yeah. Completely right. You’re so sexy, suyiktim.” He brought his lips to mine and pressed in making my back arch off the bed and into him. He pulled back and I flopped back onto the bed breathing hard even though it lasted no more than a few seconds. “Okay, time to focus.”

“Yeah. Focus. Kick ass. All that shit. Just… one more kiss. Please?” He grinned and leaned back in.

Getting into the rink was always a hassle before, but this season it had been a nightmare. It wasn’t just my fangirls I had to worry about anymore. People flooded the damn place anywhere we were scheduled to compete. The car pulled up to the front and we all steeled ourselves for the onslaught. Thank god for barriers and crowd control officers. Viktor and Yuri led the way and Beka and I followed. Sadly, the barriers did nothing for the noise. I’m pretty sure I’d lost half of my hearing over the last few months. Viktor of course being Viktor, encouraged them by winking and smiling and stopping to kiss Yuri, dipping him back and running his hand over his body.

“Hey, stop being disgusting, asshole, and keep walking. My eardrums are going to burst here.” I kicked him in the back which made him laugh and the crowd go nuts.

He pulled Yuri back up and readjusted his glasses with another peck on the lips. “Oh, go take some pictures with your fans and stop complaining.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes. Be a good sport. Make sure you smile!” Argh! That stupid sing song voice really irritated me sometimes. Beka was already following our coach’s orders and his soft smile with girls hanging all over him was pretty cute. I went over next to him and started taking the things shoved in my face to sign and hand back and tried to not look completely miserable. Kaori would chastise me if she saw me scowling in any pictures for messing up my pretty face. We finally went inside only to meet the reporters who were not as loud, but way more annoying. They rushed over and shoved microphones in our faces while shouting questions over each other. Seriously, how did they expect us to hear them? Viktor somehow did though answering almost every question for us with chipper, empty responses and more winks. I guess acting can be a useful skill sometimes. I heard one question though that caught my attention.

“How is Kaori doing?”

I smiled. “She’s doing great. She’s already up to doubles in the toe loop and salchow and she’s added in the rest of the jumps too. She’s getting stronger and better every day. I’m so proud of her.”

“Was she sad when her mom died?”

“What kind of a question is that? Don’t you know the answer to that?”

“Can we hear you answer it for the soundbite?”

“Fuck off! You think you’re going to use a little girl’s suffering to get ratings?! What kind of people are you?! Disg-”

Beka grabbed me away from my lunge toward the quaking reporter. “Hey, calm down, Yurayim. Just ignore them. They’re just doing their jobs.”

“Yeah, well, their job sucks.”

“Let’s let Viktor answer the questions, okay? He’s good at this.”

“Fine.” I still glared at the reporter who dared to try to use Kaori like that. I’d probably get an earful from her, but whatever.

Viktor finally decided he’d answered enough questions and we pushed through them and into the rink. We started getting warmed up and ignored the stares from absolutely everyone who walked past. Most of them were not too friendly. We’d locked out the top spots in every competition we were in so far and with one last one to go, the rankings were pretty much assumed already except for me and Beka who’d been alternating between fourth and bronze when all four of us were in the lineup. I knew that Yuri and Viktor would be tough to beat, but I didn’t realize just how tough. They’d been setting records all damn season. Even Viktor before didn’t break records that quickly after setting them, but Viktor would set a new one just for Yuri to come along and smash it four and half minutes later.

Chris sat down and started stretching next to us. “Hey, so how’s the lock-out family doing?”

“Great!” Viktor chirped. “Sorry about fifth.”

“Hey, we haven’t even skated yet, asshole.” He sighed. “But thanks. I’m glad you think that at least I can beat everyone else.”

“Of course. You’ve actually never looked better on the ice. The baby’s breath was the right choice. It turned out to be all the rage this year after our Kaori stole the world.”

“God, I pity the girls who have to compete against her. They already don’t stand a chance.”

I smiled. “I’ll make sure to pass on your message.”

“So, Chris, what was with the sudden change in style this year?” Beka asked. Yuri and Viktor turned to grin at each other.

“Oh god, you don’t know? That asshole over there,” he pointed to Yuri, “made a bet on our dance off last year that I’d have to skate g-rated programs if he won. That is not a man, that is a monster hiding behind shaggy hair and glasses. Well, I guess he’s not hidden anymore. Now the whole world knows not to bet against him.”

“I tried to warn you.” Viktor reached forward between his splayed legs.

“Yeah you did. I’m such a cocky asshole. I guess you are what you eat after all. Oh, oops. Sorry, Yura. I forgot you’re still a minor.”

“Don’t worry about it. Viktor forgets all the damn time. And sixteen is close enough to eighteen for dirty jokes.”

“Oh, you’re sixteen now? I thought you were younger than that. Okay, I’ll just be myself then.”

“You shouldn’t have given him free rein. He’s been awful now that he can’t cum on the ice anymore,” Viktor said.

“Hey, I have to get my release somewhere and since you’re not open for business anymore...” He turned to Beka and put his hand on his arm. “You’re pretty cute. Are you eighteen yet?”

“Hey, back off! He’s mine!” I lunged over Beka and snarled at him.

“Woah, take it easy, mon Cherie.” He raised his hands and chuckled. “I was just messing with you. I know what belongs to who here. Besides I’ve already got my man waiting for me to finish here so I can finish him after.”

Yuri was in a deep split when he jerked up and threw his arms out. “Phichit!” He ran over and tackled Yuri in a hug rolling him out of his splits. God that looked dangerous. Yuri just laughed and shoved him back. “It’s good to see you!”

“Yeah you too! I’ve missed you so much. I hate only seeing you at competitions.” He sat down with us and started stretching. “Hi, guys!” He waved to the rest of us with sunshine beaming out of his ass. This guy was kind of ridiculous with how happy he was all the time, but really, how could you hate on a guy for that? At least he wasn’t obnoxiously happy like Chicken is when he spots Yuri. “Hey guys, he’s coming. Get ready.”

I jumped up and ran over next to Yuri. JJ walked down the hallway toward us bopping his head to the music in his ears. He took them out as he got closer and arrogance filled his mouth before words even did. “Oh look. It’s all of the people who are going to be kissing my ass from below me on the podium today.”

Yuri put his fingers up into V’s and I stuck my fingers up below them for the stick of the Y and followed him as he crossed his hands. “It’s Yuri style.”

Viktor followed with his fingers in V’s. “It’s Viktor style.”

Yuri and I switched so I was making the V part now. “It’s Yura style.”

“It’s Otabek style.”

“It’s Chris style.”

Phichit flipped his hands around in an impressive contortionist act. How long did it take him to get the P’s down? “It’s Phichit style!”

“Whatever. I’m still going to kick every one of your asses.”

“Really? How did not going to the Grand Prix at all feel?” Chris asked. “I bet it felt like waking up to last night’s hook up after taking off the beer goggles.”

“No one can jump like I can. No one sets their program to the music like I do. No one has their own style like I do. I’m going to show who’s the best out there today. Just you watch.”

“Oh I always love watching Yuri skate especially now that he’s embraced his inner sex demon.” Chris licked his lips and winked at Yuri. “I’m not too into bedazzled jumpsuits though. Sorry. Best of luck, pumpkin!” He waved with a wink as JJ left his stinking trail of arrogance behind him.

“God I hate that guy,” Phichit said. It’s official. Everyone hates JJ. “I wonder how many times we’re going to have to keep teasing him before he stops that stupid JJ style thing?”

“Oh I hope he never stops. It’s so great getting to make fun of him for it,” Chris said. He looked over at Phichit and winked. “Hey there, sexy. You into threesomes? Since gold is pretty much out of reach for me unless all of these fuckers get injured at once, I thought I might be able to bring my honey a different kind of prize.”

“Thanks for the offer, but no. I’m not actually gay.”

“What?” He gasped. “But, sweetie… are you in denial?”

“Well I tried it once with my friend when we were really drunk, but nope. I mean, he’s a sexy beast and all and I certainly enjoyed it, but I really like women.”

Yuri’s face was quite red as he bent forward to reach his toes.

“Yuri Katsuki, you are a fucking liar.” I pointed an accusing finger at him.

“What? I didn’t date him. A drunken one-night stand with your straight best friend is not dating.”

“Wait, you were the friend?” Chris’s mouth hung open. “You weren’t a virgin when you met Viktor?”

“Why does everyone think that? I wasn’t comfortable with my sexuality like you and Viktor are, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it. I just got really drunk and the whole shy problem was solved. I know it’s shocking to you to meet someone who doesn’t throw their sex life on a billboard.”

“No, I’m pretty sure your sex life has been all over many billboards. And magazines. And commercials…”

“Touché.”

“Yes! I finally beat him at something! It’s a tiny win, but I’ll take it. So, Phichit, if you’re not gay, is there a woman that you’re dating?”

“No. I’m single at the moment. It’s hard to find time to date when you don’t skate with them every day.” He looked down the hall to where a group of female skaters were warming up. “I’d go for that Sara girl, but she’s got that scary, creepy brother.”

“Oh I’m pretty sure that one is one who’s in denial. I see him and Emil making eyes at each other all the time. Maybe if we get him to admit it he’d back off his sister,” Chris said.

“Make him watch Yuri pole dance. That’ll do it.” I grabbed the bolster from next to Chris to deepen my splits.

Chris started laughing. “Oh, is that what happened to you, sweetie?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god, really? I was just being a smart ass.”

“Yeah. He’s hot enough to make his straight best friend want to fuck him, so it’s not a big surprise.”

“Now that is some solid evidence for Viktor’s claim that Yuri is the sexiest man alive. Makes gay boys in denial realize they’re gay and makes straight boys want to fuck him anyway. Damn I wish they weren’t so monogamous. You’re really missing out on some fun experiences.” He winked at them.

“Yuri gives me all the fun experiences I’ll ever need. He nearly kills me already every night. And sometimes in the mornings. And random other times of the day too…”

“What, no ‘Viktor!’ this time?” I asked.

“Well you said you’re old enough for dirty talk and keeping Viktor in check is a full-time job, so enjoy.”

“Yes! Finally I can say what I want without getting hit. Though, I like the hitting. Can you keep that up?”

“Later.” Yuri gave him his now infamous smirk.

“Oh god, Yuri.” Viktor tackled him and pinned him to the floor letting the photographers get all the dirt they wanted and extreme closeups of his tongue in Yuri’s mouth.”

“You know, with how you act in public, everyone’s got the wrong idea about who’s in charge in the bedroom,” Phichit said.

“What? Viktor finally gave it up?” Chris asked. “I tried to talk him into it, but he wouldn’t even try.”

“That’s because you weren’t supposed to ask.” Yuri pushed Viktor back so he could sit up and resume his stretching.

“Goddamn it! I lost to you there too? Jesus Christ, Yuri. Will you leave me none of my reputation? I thought you wanted to tame my performances because they were too much for you, but really you were taking out the competition.”

“No, I really did want you to expand your limits. I’ll tell you what, next year, our dance off will be on the ice. Go all out and you’ll see how much better you are for having danced like an angel this year.”

“I was considering retiring after this season. I mean, I’ve lost any shot at the podium now, but that does sound like fun. Yuri, helping the competition, were you?”

“I coach the competition. Assigning you an exercise to make you a better skater was nothing compared to that.”

“Why though? It’s not like you really knew me.”

“Winning only means something if you skate against the best. You’re one of the best.”

“Thanks, Yuri. You’re a sweetheart. Damn, Viktor is a lucky man. He got the best of both worlds.”

“Oh my god do I know it. My Yuri’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

“Hey, Vitya. One hundred eighty-three.”

“Here?!”

“You know where.”

“We’ll be back. Keep warming up you two.” He and Yuri ran off together down the hall.

“Have fun you two!” Phichit waved.

“You know what the numbers mean?” Chris asked.

“Of course I do. Yuri’s my best friend. He tells me everything.”

“You must tell us. I mean, I get it’s some sex thing but I want to know the game.”

“Sorry. You don’t earn best friend status with someone like Yuri unless you know how to keep your mouth shut.”

“Viktor spills all sorts of embarrassing stuff about him.”

“Nah, that’s nothing compared to what I know. Trust me, Viktor keeps all the real details to himself.”

“Ugh, now I’m dying to know, you little cocktease.”

“Cocktease?”

“Yeah, you being all adorable and would make a fantastic cock slut and yet you’re sadly straight. You do know you’re a figure skater, right? Maybe Yuri just wasn’t hot enough to turn you on.”

“Yuri was the only reason I wanted to try it in the first place. I pole danced with him regularly. You think I can watch that and not wonder what it was like?”

“So? How was he?”

“A gentleman never kisses and tells. But I will say that Viktor is definitely a lucky man.”

“Aw, you’re no fun.”

Sara and Mila got up from their stretches across the hall and started walking our way. I got up and ran over to her. “Hey, Mila!”

“Yura! How’s my tamed little tiger doing?” She gave me a big hug and tried to pick me up, but couldn’t lift my toes from the ground. “Hey, what’s this? My little kitten’s growing up?” She grabbed at my arms. “Yeah, look at you. You’re getting muscles. And you’re getting taller. I love the hair too. Going for Vitya’s old style?”

“Nope. I’m growing it out for Beka.”

“Oh, he has a thing for long hair?”

“No. He has a thing for my hair.”

“Where’s my latest pictures? And don’t give me the ones you put on Instagram. I’ve already seen those.” I pulled out my phone and swiped through picture after picture of Kaori and her skating family in various groupings while she aww’d uncontrollably. “God you’ve turned into the sweetest thing ever. I still can’t believe it. You and this little girl… I swear my fucking ovaries have died.”

“I know. Mine too.”

She looked at me with her eyes wide then burst into laughter. “You know you don’t have ovaries, right, kitten?”

“Yes I know that! I did take health class. It’s just the most accurate way to say it.”

She laughed even harder. “You are too precious. Yakov is so mad. He gives you up and you come back better than ever and sweet as sugar. He’s proud of you though like all the rest of us are.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, Sara, can you help us with something?” Chris said.

“What’s that?”

“So, it turns out our friend Phichit here isn’t gay. Or rather he claims he isn’t gay. I don’t really believe him and I’ll never be able to let it go unless I see him kiss a woman like he means it. Would you be so kind as to help us with that?”

She looked down at Phichit and studied him for a minute. “Sure. Why not?”

Phichit stood up and took Sara’s hand then stepped in a little closer keeping his eyes on hers. “Sorry, Chris. I just can’t do it. I can’t kiss a woman this beautiful unless I’ve taken her to dinner first. She deserves more than being kissed as a cheap test.” I didn’t know that women ever literally swooned but Sara and Mila both just literally swooned. I had to grab Mila before she hit the ground. Phichit's firm grip on Sara’s hand kept her steady. “Will you go to dinner with me before the banquet tonight?”

“Yes. Oh my god, yes.”

“Great! Give me your number and we’ll meet up after this is all over.” She put her number in his phone and when she handed it back he kissed her cheek. “Good luck out there.”

She blushed. “Thanks. You too.”

“Hey! Get your hands off my sister!” The creepy brother came storming down the hallway.

“Calm down, Mickey. We’re just going on a date.”

“What?! What do you mean you’re going on a date?! What makes you think you can take my little sister on a date?!”

“Because I asked her and I was lucky enough that she said yes. She’s not your property you know.”

“I know that! I’m not saying she’s my property. I’m just trying to protect her from dirty skeeves like you!”

“Yo, asshole. Calm the fuck down. You do realize you’re screaming at literally the nicest man on the planet, right?” I asked. “And he’s not a skeeve. He had a chance to kiss her and he asked her to dinner instead. Unless you have plans on fucking your sister yourself, that’s the guy you want dating her.”

“What?!” His face turned into the darkest shade of red I’ve ever seen on a person. “You little shithead fairy ass punk! You dare insult my Sara like that?!”

“Hey, asshole. Say another word about my Yura and you’re going to have a big problem with me.”

“Oh yeah, little man? What are you going to do about it? Huh?” He shoved Beka’s chest.

“Hey, asshole! Don’t fucking touch my Beka!” It turned into an all-out screaming match between the three of us with Sara, Chris, Mila and Phichit trying to scream us into calming down.

“Hey! What the fuck is going on here?!” Yuri’s voice cracked through the screaming and we all froze. “We tell you guys to warm up and you’re getting into a screaming match with the competition?!”

“That’s not what happened,” Mila said.

“Oh? Then what did happen?” We all started screaming again trying to explain. “Shut up! Sit down! You two, over there!” He pointed and Beka and I went back to sit on the mats. “Phichit, how are you involved in all this?”

“Well, I asked Sara out on a date and-”

 

“Say no more.” He turned with his Yuri stuff lecture face on toward the creepy brother. “What is your fucking problem? This is fucking Worlds. Don’t you have anything better to do right now than policing who gets in your sister’s pants?”

“No one’s getting in my sister’s pants!”

He looked over at Sara and took her apart with his owl’s stare then looked back at the brother. “Hate to break it to you, but they already have.”

“What?! You’re lying! How would you even know that?!”

“Well, Sara? Am I lying?”

“No.”

“What?! Sara! How could you?!”

“I’m twenty-two years old, Mickey. This is the twenty-first century. Welcome to it.”

“That little punk student of yours said I was trying to fuck my sister!” His finger was trembling as he pointed at me.

“Well, are you?”

“What?!”

“It’s a valid question, Crispino. You do realize that’s what absolutely everyone thinks, right?”

“You all are just a bunch of pervs! I’m trying to protect my sister!”

“Protect her from Phichit? Seriously? I’d set up my sister with Phichit in a heartbeat and be glad for it. Maybe you could have sold the idea you were just trying to protect her if it wasn’t fucking Phichit Chulanont you were trying to protect her from. If even he doesn’t meet your standards, no one will. Are you expecting Sara to go through her entire life unloved?”

“What?! Of course not!”

“Then who should love her? If not Phichit, then who?”

“I- I don’t-” He stared at Yuri with his fists frozen in the air and his dumb, angry mouth open.

“Think about it, Crispino. If you really want to fuck your sister, that’s between you guys, but if you start fights with my skaters again, I’ll be reporting you for misconduct and pressing charges if necessary.”

“Come on, Sara! We’re leaving!” He grabbed her arm and tried to drag her away.

“No. I don’t want to.”

“We’re leaving. Come on.”

“Let go, Mickey!” She jerked her arm trying to pull away from him but she wasn’t strong enough and he started to drag her by her hand. “Ow! Let go!”

Viktor jumped in front of him and put his hands on his chest, his eyes flaring, jaw clenching hard. “Let her go now!” Woah. Viktor angry was just as scary as Yuri. Yuri had his intimidating words but Viktor had his intimidating size and the fact that Viktor never got angry. Chris jumped to back Viktor up and the rest of us stood ready to help if Creepo’s brains failed to work. “I said let her go!” Viktor grabbed his wrist and squeezed hard until Creepo let go. Sara jumped back behind the wall that had formed between her and her brother and he stormed off.

Phichit ran over to Sara and put his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, are you okay? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to get so out of hand.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s my stupid brother. I love him, but he can be so… Ugh!”

Yuri went over and gently took Sara’s hand. “I just want to check it out. Is that okay?” She nodded and he poked at her wrist bending it gently as he went and watching her face for her reaction. “How’s the pain?”

“Not too bad. It hurts a little.”

“I’ll be right back. Try to hold it still.” He jogged off and returned a moment later with an ice pack and some bandages. He took her hand again and carefully wound the bandage around her wrist then placed the ice pack on it and wrapped another bandage over it to hold it in place. “How does that feel?”

“Better. Thanks.”

“Sara, it’s not my place to butt into your relationship with your brother, but he’s past just being frustrating. He’s hurting you when he doesn’t get his way and is aggressively possessive of you. That’s not love. It’s abuse. He honestly scares me and I think if you’re honest with yourself, he scares you too.”

“Yeah. Sometimes a little. But he’s my brother.”

“Yeah, who he is doesn’t change anything. I’m sorry, but I really need to get my skaters back to warming up. If you need help later, just ask. If he tries that again, get help right away. Okay?” She nodded and Phichit led her away with Mila.

Yuri walked back toward his mat, stopping for a second on the way to smack me upside the head. “Ow. What was that for?”

“For provoking the insane man in love with his sister.”

“Hey, I was just trying to defend Phichit.”

“That’s awesome. Did you have to accuse him of wanting to fuck Sara though?”

“Well, no. I was just pointing out the truth like you do.”

“Timing. Learn it. Also, don’t give insane people even more reason to be insane. Jesus.”

“You said it too.”

“Because it was already out there. Seriously, Yura. Your mouth is going to get you hurt if you can’t tell the difference between defending someone and escalating the situation. Guys like him aren’t the ones you go all out on. But thanks for the effort to help Phichit even if it ended in disaster. Now get back to stretching.”

“Daddy Yuri, take me now.” Chris bent into a new stretch with his ass in the air and smacked it.

“Why do I get the feeling you had something to do with starting this? Phichit would know better than to ask Sara out right before we compete.”

“Well, I may have tried to get him a kiss from her after he said he had a thing for her. It was his idea to ask her out instead.”

“Yeah, cause Phichit is a gentleman. And seriously? I’d smack you too if I weren’t certain that you’d like it way too much.”

“Oh, I would love that. Please do. I’ve been a very bad boy, Daddy Yuri.”

“Oh, ew. That is so disgusting. Ack!”

“Hey, we haven’t heard that one from Yura since he got his own man to be disgusting with,” Viktor said.

“You do know that if Phichit had actually kissed her and her brother saw it, he’d probably just start beating him on the spot. He’s the only one of you who actually knows conflict de-escalation. And he got a date while doing it. Impressive.”

“Oh, he didn’t just get a date, I think she’s ready to have his babies with how she looked at him after he turned on his charm,” Chris said.

“He made both her and Mila swoon. Literally swoon. I had to catch Mila before she fell.” I bent backward to grab my feet and put them on my head while Beka looked on with pain on his face.

“Yeah, that sounds right. Whoever said nice guys finish last has never met Phichit.”

“Are you guys talking about me behind my back?” Phichit sat back next to Yuri with a smile.

“Only good things. How is she doing?”

“She’s alright. I took her to her coach. I figured he’d know how to handle her brother by now.”

“Good thinking. Are you still going to go on that date?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t planning on asking her, but now that she said yes, I can’t back out of that just because of an insane brother. I’ll just have to be careful.”

“Really careful. As in, make sure Viktor and I are there when you get in the car and don’t you dare post where you are on your page. Tell her that too.”

“Okay. I’ll do that. She said she was going to talk to him to try to assert her independence. She said when he’s not in that mood he’s a little more reasonable.”

“God, I hope she’s right for her sake. That must be rough having an abusive lover being your brother. It’s not like she can just leave him.”

“Oh, I don’t think they’ve ever-”

“No, I didn’t mean literally. That’s just how he acts.”

“Yeah. She’s a sweet girl. She really deserves better than that. Thanks guys for helping us. Yura, that was really sweet of you to jump to my defense like that.”

“Yeah, no problem. Sorry I made it worse.”

“It’s fine. He’s probably better off having heard that. Maybe it’ll make him think a little.”

“Alright. Time to hit the ice.” Yuri stood up and we all followed.

 

Phichit came off the ice, sunshine pouring out of his mouth. “That was so much fun! God, I hope I get a good score.”

“Don’t worry, you will. That was awesome, Phichit!” Yuri gave him a hug.

“Thanks! I really tried my best out there. JJ’s been skating well again though. It seems that little knocking you guys gave him before the Grand Prix qualifiers has finally worn off. I just really want to beat that guy.”

“If I were judging, you would. He’s way over scored just because of all of those quads. Everything else he does is unimpressive.” Viktor patted his shoulder. “You have a lot of charm on the ice. Be proud of that.”

“Thanks, Viktor!” He waved and ran off to the kiss and cry.

“Alright, I’m up.” Chris straightened the feathered fabric that floated down his back like folded wings. Literal fucking angel. Yuri was mean. “Wish me luck.”

“Crush him, Chris. You can do it. Crush him for all of the talented skaters who don’t do six fucking quads and ignore everything else.” Viktor slapped his back as he stepped onto the ice.

“Must be easy to be so sportsman like when you’re on top.” The grating sound of arrogance came up behind us.

“Lots of skaters manage to not act like total douchebags even when they’re not on top,” I said. “Maybe you should give it a shot.”

“That’s big talk coming from Russia’s little punk. Didn’t you just get into a fight with Crispino a while ago?”

“Whatever. I don’t have time for arrogant assholes.” Yuri smiled at me and I couldn’t help feeling satisfaction at his approval. Daddy Yuri. The term fits if you’re not using it in a creepy way.

Chris set up his opening position and the crowd quieted. Phichit rushed back to us and we all shouted, “Davai, Chris!” He smiled and his music started.

“Nice job, Phichit. You’ve secured seventh at least,” Beka said.

“Thanks! I’m happy with it.”

Chris flew forward and the wings on his back opened up behind him. He twisted through his first jump and they wrapped neatly around him staying out of his way and giving a new dimension to his performance. He had on tan pants and a fluttering white dress over them that reached to his knees with a gold rope wrapped around his torso and thinner ones wrapped around his legs. It really looked like he was only wearing a dress and that caused a bit of controversy at first with the rules stating men had to wear pants, but he was wearing them so there wasn’t a whole lot they could say and once Yuri unzipped his warmup jacket and unveiled his free skate costume, any controversy over Chris’s was forgotten. There was an extensive debate on how tight pants could be before they were called tights. Yuri’s toyed with that line and Viktor smirked his way through the controversy. A year ago, no one would have believed that Yuri would be the one stirring controversy over how sexy skating should be allowed to get while Chris was floating around the ice as an angel. It’d been months and people still hadn’t regained their minds.

Chris collapsed on the ice, his arm over his chest and bent forward, wings splayed out around him, the angel as he fell from grace in his final moment of the performance. Really beautiful. Viktor was right. Chris had never skated so well. He may have been an angel, but he was still Chris and the struggle for him to maintain that purity worked into his choreography and turned it into a fantastic portrayal of the struggle between purity and sin. It almost started to edge into Yuri levels of sexiness despite the fact he wasn’t being sexy at all. He skated over and we all cheered for him. He had a big smile on his face as Viktor and Yuri both wrapped their arms around him, but it actually didn’t look like he was thinking anything dirty at all. It was a little weird.

“Amazing, Chris! Really really amazing! That was the performance of your career. Truly. So beautiful.”

“Thanks, Viktor. It felt amazing.”

“I knew you could do it.” Yuri smiled up at him and didn’t flinch when Chris kissed his cheek.

“Thank you, mon Cher. It’s a joy competing against people like you. That goes for all of you.” He looked at JJ. “Except you.”

“Whatever. I’m not here for cuddles. I’m here to win.” Wow. That sounded so much like it could have come out of the old me’s mouth it made me cringe. Is that really what I was like? JJ. World’s biggest asshole.

“You know playing with assholes is way more fun than being one!” Chris called out as he left for the kiss and cry and JJ stepped onto the ice.

I turned to Viktor and gave him a big hug. “Oh, what’s this for?”

“For not letting me be that.” I waved over to JJ circling the ice, arrogance and hunger to win filling the arena.

Viktor laughed and patted my shoulder. “God, am I so glad for that. That guy is a total douche.”

I nodded. “I bet he wears sunglasses on his head.”

“He does. All the time. You know he has a tramp stamp?” Beka asked.

“What?! You’re kidding.”

“Nope. Claims to have a girlfriend though.”

Chris walked back up wiping the sweat from his face. “Not even I’m slutty enough for that.”

“No, I think you are, you just don’t want anything long enough to put it on your back permanently,” Viktor said.

“That’s true. Very true. My man now might be a keeper though. He understands me. Doesn’t try to change me. And the sex,” he put his fingers to his lips and kissed them, “mmm… exquisite.”

“Sounds like a winner. Marry that man.”

“Maybe I should settle down. A little. I can’t wait for your wedding, though, I’m a little miffed I wasn’t asked to be your best man.”

“Sorry, that spot was for my brother. I’ll still put you in charge of the bachelor party though considering that he’s still a minor.”

“Perfect. That’s really all I wanted anyway. I’ve already got the perfect stripper in mind.”

“I don’t want any strippers.”

“Hmm… we’ll see.” Chris started bobbing his head a little to JJ’s song. “God, please stop me. The fact that his song is so damn catchy just makes him even more annoying. I didn’t know it was possible for one human to reach that many levels of awful.”

“He jumps like a fish,” I said.

Viktor laughed. “A huge fucking trout.” JJ finished and stepped off the ice. “Hop hop, little fishy!” A look of confusion and annoyance passed over JJ’s face before he left for the kiss and cry.

I unzipped my jacket and handed it to Viktor then gave Beka a kiss. “Any last words from my coaches?”

“Yeah, I’m starving after that performance. Give me something good.”

“Kill it.” Yuri patted my back and I went out to cover that awful drawing that had just been written over Chris’s and Phichit’s beautiful ones.

 JJ’s scores came in as I circled the ice. Chris beat him! Yes! The family all jumped on Chris to congratulate him and I waved from the ice. He just passed Phichit though which sucked. I wanted him knocked even lower and Phichit’s performance really was worthy of beating his. The hunger to win really was disgusting to see on the ice. The ice was too beautiful for something as boring and vapid as that. Why couldn’t the judges see that? If they just judged PCS scores as they should be then the JJ’s of the world would be locked out of everything. Instead, the technical score always lifted the PCS score. Judges were just way too impressed with goddamn fish jumps. We’d been tested to within an inch of our lives this season with accusations of steroids being the reason why we were winning so much. With Yuri’s training making all of us bulk out a bit, that accusation held a lot of weight but the reality was far simpler. We didn’t jump like fish. The judges loved it when they saw it, they just didn’t know it when they were looking at a fish. It’s time to learn.

They all called together, but I always heard Beka the loudest. “Davai, Yura!” My arms flashed out to my side as I lifted onto my toe pick. Passion. That was my theme. Passion for everything. Passion for life. Passion for my family. Passion for skating. Passion for coaching. Passion for Kaori. Passion for Beka. Covered in black and magenta flames and my long hair braided and put up by Beka’s hand, I flashed around the ice screaming to it how much I desperately loved it. Caressing it with my skates. Loving the strength and slickness that made it what it was. My flexibility joined to it and gave it dynamic life. I was capable of anything as long as I had my base to hold me steady through the whirling changes that sometimes knocked me around. God, it felt so good to love so much so deeply.

Minako had shaped my ballerina body to its limit then drilled deep into my core. All of my love poured out onto the ice in a flood of color and I carved the names of everything in my heart into it. Triple axel, half-loop, Quad salchow. My legs and lungs burned, but they still flowed smoothly. Churning notes pounded out from a piano flooded the arena sending my chaos out to them while I held it together with balance and rhythm, moving easily through the unpredictable. I didn’t know how this would turn out and I didn’t really care. I just loved the sounds my blades made as they scraped the ice and the crisp smell of cold containing the burning within me. My determination had changed marked by Kaori’s words. Quad flip. I want to skate. My heart roared through me as I thrust my fist into the sky.

Without the need to perform holding me up, my body dropped forward onto the ice. I listened as the roars of the audience and my own heart drowned out anything that was not this. On shaking legs, I stood back up and took my bow then left the ice for Beka to draw something beautiful too. I didn’t need my guards. I was lifted from the ice by the man with the biggest hugs in the world and then was promptly surrounded by everyone else, crushing my tiny body in the biggest hug on the planet. Can’t. Fucking. Breathe. Whatever. Yuri knows first aid. He’ll fix me up if I pass out. Viktor set me down and someone had slipped on my guards for me. I opened my arms to Beka to give him a hug and a quick but passionate kiss before he had to step onto the ice. The cameras no longer jumped to the kiss and cry after our performances. We couldn’t be bothered with them when our teammate was on the ice. My scores came in and for the next four and a half minutes, I was the best in the world. I had beaten Viktor’s and Yuri’s last performances and it took a while for the crowd to settle enough at the uproar of someone new setting a world record.

“Davai, Beka!” Come on! You can do this! Make your family proud. “Hey, Vitya. You full yet?”

“Stuffed. And there’s still two more servings to go. I’m going to explode. So ridiculously proud.”

Beka, my eagle. Calm. Steady. Sees what he wants far into the distance and goes for it with nothing to distract him. Proud. Proud in the noble sort of way. He doesn’t try to say that he’s the best ever. He just says that he is worthy of respect. Strong. Sexy. His passion simmers instead of roars, but it’s just as deep as mine. No one jumps like him. JJ thinks he does, but he doesn’t even come close. Beka always jumped with incredible power and now with our training, he’s breathtaking as he does it. He spread his wings far in his spread eagle and into a triple axel. It was Yuri’s signature move, but now Beka had made it his own and damn it looked good on him. His step sequence dropped low in spins just brushing over the ice just how I had showed him on the first day. That too was now all his. No one had ever done it in competition before and by the time I rolled it out in my exhibition, it was already his. He came back up and into another soaring combo. Two quads flanking a triple. His way of simplifying even the hardest challenges came to the ice making jump combos that should be nearly impossible look like the easiest thing in the world. He just wants it so he does it. Why should it be any more complicated than that?

His white suit with blue princely detailing was stark against his piercing features as he spiraled down, grasping his prize on the ice, circling it before carrying it back up with him into the sky with another quad. So good. That’s what he needed to shine. To show that he was more than just power and determination. Two admirable qualities, but he was so much more than just that.

He was kind and loving. A bit of a dork when it came to his little sister and Kaori. A man with gentle fingers that twists hair into many intricate designs. So silky smooth. His voice, his skin, his words. Sometimes he was slick like ice and other times he had a soft rippling texture, but there wasn’t a rough edge on him anywhere and now on the ice everyone could see that. God, I was so lucky. I pushed him away and he just came right back not giving a shit about any strong winds he had to fight. Bekam. Zhanym. My greatest prize. Whatever he won here tonight, he more than accomplished his goals. That was a performance to be proud of for a lifetime and it most definitely brought honor to his country and his family.

He came off the ice and right into my arms. His hugs weren’t always so heavy, but coming off after a performance was always a feat for me to hold him up especially when I had skated first. That’s okay though. I would use all my strength so he could rest on mine for just a moment.

“I’m so proud of you. I can feel the honor floating all the way from here to Kazakhstan.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. I loved every second of it. I’m so proud to be yours. I love you so much, zhanym, Bekam.”

His hug lightened and he pulled my face to his for a kiss. Sweat ran down and his salt mixed with his sweet tongue, his velvet hair under my hands and his body hot against mine. I jerked back suddenly as his kiss started to reach deeper than it should with cameras on us. He smiled and gave my ponytail a tug.

Viktor reached around us to crush us both together in a hug before he stepped onto the ice. I let Beka go so Yuri could give him a hug as well. Theirs was quick, never being ones to linger with anyone other than the one they loved most, but it was still warm. Yuri patted his back. “You were amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

“I hope I’ve been worth the extra work for you and Viktor.”

“Absolutely. We’re so happy you joined us. Sorry I complained in the beginning.”

“I was shocked you agreed at all. That was literally insane.”

“Yeah, well, I’m still asleep in a closet somewhere, so reality doesn’t matter.” I laughed and he turned to me surprised. “You got that?”

“Yeah, Mari told me how you met. I can imagine this feeling like a dream. It’s been way beyond any reality I could have dreamed up a year ago.”

“Two years for me. I’ve been dreaming for nearly two years so please, gods, don’t wake me up.” He clasped his hands in front of himself and bowed.

Beka’s scores came in ahead of Chris securing fourth and his new personal best. For the next four and a half minutes, I was still the best in the world. Phichit and Chris both gave Beka their hugs of congratulations and then we all put our hands to our mouths waiting for the quiet. “Davai, Vitya!”

Agape. Unconditional love. Humble love. How do you portray humility when you’re Viktor Nikiforov? Well, you’re Viktor Nikiforov. There’s nothing you can’t do on the ice. It was so strange how people had reacted when he debuted this performance. Majestic Viktor debasing himself to lust a few years back was one thing, I mean he was considered a sex symbol, but this… Majestic Viktor lowering himself to humility… that was hard for the world to stomach. His costume was stripped down, nothing but black pants and an ice blue shirt. They expected him to come back after last year’s struggling performance with something bold and over the top to prove he was still our god, but Viktor never gives what people want. Only what they need.

His jumps and spins came out of him so easily it would have looked lazy if they weren’t so utterly perfect. His step sequence traveled the ice like a wide river over flat ground. He made up for the lost intricacy with expression in his movements in a way he’d never done before. Giving. Always giving. That’s what the world had never known about Viktor. In all of the performances he gave them filled with passion, they never once noticed how big his heart was. Last year they saw his cracks, but they didn’t see its strength. They didn’t see the man who put his own fears aside to comfort his fiancé when his dog died. I still remember the look of panic that kept trying to escape onto his face as he held his sobbing Yuri in his arms. But he won that battle out of love and held Yuri quietly for as long as he needed. They didn’t see the man who endured the harshest of cuts from some little punk asshole just so he could protect him on the ice and give him the chance to be more. He didn’t have to look back at that performance but he did. He grabbed my hand and yanked me right along with him into the next. They didn’t see how he rushed to help anyone in need. They didn’t see how he loved without any concern for his image. They didn’t see how he hated being alone at the top and wanted to raise others up with him. He was the world’s idol and rightfully so, but for all the wrong reasons.

I wondered at first how he had fallen in love with Yuri, a random fan he happened to find in a closet, but the answer was clear. Somehow in all of his performances before that were built on flash and glamour, Yuri had seen this man and that was the one he loved and somehow, he told Viktor that. He was the only one Viktor couldn’t surprise. While Beka and I could surprise Yuri with new levels of expression, Viktor’s was always either right or wrong. It either matched what Yuri had already seen or it didn’t. I looked over at Yuri and he was watching Viktor with that quiet love in his eyes and a soft smile on his face seeing the man he loved on the ice exactly as he pictured him. I loved Yuri’s vision of him. It was the same man that I loved too. Agape. Unconditional love. Family. Viktor put his hand over his heart and stretched his open palm toward Yuri.

Viktor’s scores came in and for the next four and a half minutes, I was still on top. I had beaten Viktor. It felt strange. I was happy of course; I wanted to win, but I think I preferred looking up to the old man. There was still Yuri to beat, but Viktor had been the one I’d been chasing for so long. But then he turned around and he was the one chasing me around the ice shouting, ‘hop hop, little fishy,’ and he drove me right into beating him. And he was so damn proud of me for it. So selflessly proud. Because the best performances are always real.

“Oi, old man. What happened out there? You couldn’t beat some sixteen-year-old punk on his first go at Worlds?” I punched his arm.

“Nope. I guess I couldn’t. He was just too good for me today.”

“Well, you better try harder next year.”

He turned away from watching Yuri circling the ice, a look in his eyes I didn’t like. “I’m not sure if I have a next year in me.”

Tears sprang to my eyes instantly, but they were too frozen in shock to let them out. “What?! No! Yuri hasn’t said anything about you retiring!”

“As much as I’d love to keep that promise to him, I’m not sure my body will hold out enough for another year at my peak. Especially not against the talent you guys are spitting out.” Yuri circled the ice to a standing ovation before he even skated and I watched in stunned silence. “Yuri only wants me on the ice at my best. I don’t think he wants to see me slip and neither do I.”

The tears unfroze and slipped down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I beat you. I didn’t mean to. Please don’t retire.”

“Don’t you dare apologize for that. I am so proud of you. It was an incredible performance and you deserved to beat me. I’ve been thinking about this all season so it’s nothing you’ve done, okay? Davai, Yuri!” I was still too stunned and missed cheering for him. Viktor’s hand came down from his mouth and wrapped over my shoulders. “It’ll be okay, Yura. I’ll still be right here. And you have Yuri to beat. He’s going to be unstoppable next season. That is unless you stop him of course.”

“He’s going for it?”

“I don’t know yet.” Viktor smiled. “He’s going to surprise me as always.”

“Some coach you are. Don’t even know what your student is doing on the ice.”

“Yeah, that’s the great thing about Yuri. I throw the worst at him and he makes it shine like gold.” He pulled me in to kiss my head. “It’s okay, Yura. I’m not going anywhere. On or off the ice, you’re stuck with me.”

I tried to shake off the shock to actually watch Yuri skate. God, how did that man move like that? Every muscle in his body rippled clearly through the skin colored fabric. It blended so well with his real skin tone, I was certain Viktor had it dyed to match. The iridescent splotches of color providing just barely enough cover enhanced the flash of his every movement while Yuri’s hardened body filled out every inch of his costume. “Did you make it tighter?”

Viktor laughed. “Yeah. He was so mad when he put it on today.”

“He didn’t know you changed them until now?”

“Nope.” He gave his smug smile that always showed up after his successful plots to impose his ideas on us.

“God, you’re an asshole. You’re lucky he loves you so much.”

“I know.”

“Aren’t you worried the judges will penalize him?”

“His scores can take the hit if they do, but I doubt they will. Look at them.” He nodded in their direction where they all leaned over the desk very intently. “He’s fully covered.”

“Uh. I’m… not sure about that. He may have fabric over him, but that is not what I’d call fully covered.”

“Psh, ballet dancers wear tighter clothing than that and no one bats an eye.”

Even with Yuri so exposed, his performance never looked like he was trying to be sexual as Chris’s so often did. Sensual was the right word I think. It looked like he was alone out there, enjoying the feeling of moving his body however he wanted. Playful. Curious. Bold. Hesitant… He wasn’t performing at all. Holy crap. I just now realized it. How he had us all hypnotized every time. He was fucking improvising his choreography!

Quad Lutz, double loop, triple salchow. How had I not noticed all season? I mean he had a certain consistency. An underlying frame or maybe just him interpreting the music in similar ways, and he was never very good at sticking to his routines with him often messing them up then scrambling to recover them any way he could much to the horror of his old coach who often watched his performances through his fingers over his face. But really, until Viktor stunned me I was hypnotized along with the rest.

Holy fuck! Improvising at Worlds?! Improvising all goddamn season?! How?! I mean, I know he’s a good dancer, but this good? Quad flip. Yeah. He’s that good. This is why Viktor only trained jumps with him from every possible entry. I thought it was just to strengthen that side of him, but no. He had nothing to say about the rest. I thought they were just working on it when they had their late-night practice sessions, but I guess they really were just defiling the rink. Double flip, triple loop, quad toe loop. What are you doing, Yuri?

His hands ran in soft caresses of his body and reaching out like he was caressing another. Stuttering steps ran shivers through him. A sudden jerk and a playful smile. His back arched and he closed his eyes, dropping his head back and flipping around into a flying camel then layback and around, grabbing something and holding it to himself into a one-foot spin.

He picked up speed through some intricate footwork and twirls around the ice spiraling in faster and faster. Quad axel. Oh my god! Quad axel! Quad axel! He did it! Pandemonium rippled out through thousands of bodies from one man on the ice. His performance quieted to just a soft caress of the ice before he collapsed onto his back right on it. Viktor skated out and slid across the ice to pounce on him and kiss him passionately without giving one single fuck about who cared.

“I think… I think he just skated sex on ice.” Beka said. “I don’t mean in the seductive sense. I mean the actual act.”

“Yeah, he did,” Chris said. He looked at Phichit and his gaping mouth. “You say you fucked that and you’re still straight? Fine. I believe you. I’d be gay a million times over for that man no matter how straight I thought I was. A fucking quad axel. In the last few seconds to boot.”

Viktor was still on the ice making out with Yuri when his scores were read. For about fifteen minutes, I was the best in the world. I was fairly confident that Yuri would be the best in the world for the next fifteen years. At least. Obliterated I think is the right word here. He obliterated my world record. And the short program record. And, of course, the total record. Figure skating had its new god.

 

Second place is a huge win when you’re competing against Viktor Nikiforov and Yuri Katsuki. I still didn’t like how my win felt like I was pushing Viktor out even though he assured me it wasn’t. If I was really thinking about it, I’d say it’s Yuri who convinced him that he just couldn’t keep up any more. He seemed ridiculously happy about it though. Like, I’ve never seen Viktor this happy before. Ever. I think he reached maximum levels of being in love with Yuri Katsuki.

“Please tell me this earned me a break from proving myself for a while?” Yuri smiled at Viktor with affection written all over him despite his somewhat annoyed tone.

“Absolutely. But don’t forget about your dance off with Minako!”

“Viktor ! But I- Quad axel, Viktor. For you. Gold in every one. For you. This costume! For you. And you want to watch me get my ass kicked by an old ballerina?”

“Yes?” Viktor gave him a sheepish smile. “It’s not getting your ass kicked. It’ll be fun. Trust me, you are so far on top, you can handle a lost dance off.”

“Says the man who isn’t going to get schooled by a fifty-year-old woman.”

“Woah, she’s that old? I thought she was way younger.”

“She’s older than my mom. Make sure you keep thinking she’s younger though. She’ll love you for it.”

“You know, Chris keeps trying to bring someone home to his boyfriend, I bet Minako would be willing if they go straight at all.” Viktor put his finger on his lips. “Hmm… in all our conversations that question has never come up.”

“Oh, ugh! Please! That’s like my mom you’re talking about. Just, Ugh!”

I started laughing. “You sound like me, Yuri.”

“Yeah, well, no one wants to think of their mom being in a threesome.”

“Are they done with their pictures yet? I’m so far away from you.”

Yuri pulled him up onto the first-place podium with him and wrapped his arm around him. “Better?”

“Much.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me up to his other side. “You too, Yura. Did I mention how proud I am of all of my students yet? I wish we could have Beka up here too.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Beka!” Viktor called out and waved at him. It took him a minute before Viktor’s enthusiastic waving pulled him over. “It’s not like they can say anything to us right now. Who’s going to dare tell Yuri Katsuki off?” Beka walked over to us down the carpet and stood just off the podium until Viktor yanked him up with us. “Get up here. You had an amazing performance and I judge it podium worthy. I don’t give a fuck about the rules.”

Yuri handed him the bouquet of flowers he was holding and kissed his cheek. “What he said.”

“Thank you for being amazing coaches. This season has been incredible. I can’t believe it’s over already.”

“Thank you for being my least pain in the ass student.”

“What? I’m a pain in your ass?” Viktor pretended to pout.

“Seriously, Vitya. You’re a bigger pain than he is now.” He jerked his thumb at me. “But I still love you dearly and wouldn’t trade you for the world. Actually, you’re not a pain in my ass when you’re my student. Only when you’re my coach. You’re a great student. So, in other words, I love all of my students and any pain they give me is well worth it.”

“Are you drunk already?” I asked. “You sound like a drunk Yuri lecture.”

“No, I think my brain has completely fried though after all of this. Paris again, love?”

“Yes! Paris! It can’t be as long though, we have a wedding in a few months. We need to finish planning. Oh, if Yura and Beka come with us they can plan with us! It’s so romantic. You’ll love it! And you don’t have to be with us all the time. In fact, we don’t want you with us all the time. But free trip to Paris to congratulate you guys on your awesome season?”

Beka looked at me and shrugged. “Hell yeah we want to go to Paris,” I said.

“Oh, Yuri, that’s okay with you, right? I mean we’d probably only fly together and meet up for dinner once in a while. And show them The Louvre of course.”

“Vitya, why do you even bother asking?”

“You sometimes say no.”

“Name one time I’ve meant it.”

“I can’t think of any, but I’ll give you another shot right now.” Viktor took Yuri’s chin in his hand and looked down at him, sadness in his eyes. “Hey, Yuri.”

“No, Vitya.”

“I can’t beat you, Yuri.”

“You told me to beat you, Vitya. Ordered me to.”

“Yuri… Look at them. Next year…”

“You promised, Vitya.”

“I know I did. I’m so-”

“Don’t you dare say that word!”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant for breaking it.”

“I still don’t want to hear it. It’s not about if you can beat them or not. I’m just not ready to give this up yet.”

“Yuri, I’ll be twenty-nine. I’ve had an amazing career. I got to finish my last season with my family and I loved it so much.”

“No, Vitya. I mean it.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I do. I mean it so much that if you’re retiring, I am too. I don’t want to skate without you. I have nothing left to prove out there. The only reason why I’d skate next year is to just have fun doing what I love with the people I love doing it with. I can’t do that without you. And come on, going out in a blaze of glory? That’s just what people would expect us to do. We love this sport too much to not hang on to it with everything we have. So, no, Vitya.”

A slow smile spread over Viktor’s face. “You’re really trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

“Payback. Get your ass down here.” He grabbed Viktor’s medal and pulled him down for a kiss. “Don’t ever try to decide that on your own again. We retire together. Got it?”

“Got it.” He grinned and kissed him again. “Just in case I don’t get it, can you make sure I don’t forget later?”

“Ugh. This podium is way too crowded for dirty talk. I think we’re going now.” I punched Viktor’s arm. “And don’t ever scare me like that again for no goddamn good reason. Yuri, you better be giving him more massages to keep his body going longer. This isn’t done next year either.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right.”

“What, are you guys determined to make me the oldest skater ever?”

“Yeah, that sounds like an awesome record to beat, old man.”

 

I waved to Beka on the DJ stand who looked totally happy now that he was able to put on the music he liked. The previous DJ was not too happy with giving up his post having been warned by the officials not to let it get too far out of hand, but Viktor winked and threw some money at it and that problem went away so our dance party was well under way. At least there was no Yuri on the pole this time. Yet. Chris was having fun with it though releasing all his pent up sexual energy. He really did look better on it than last year. Almost enticing instead of cringey.

Viktor came up and grabbed my arm. “Operation dance off is a go. I need you.”

“Minako’s in?”

“Oh, she was in the second we said dance off. Now for Lilia. I need you to be your old self a little.”

“Huh?”

“Come on, good cop, bad cop.”

“Why can’t you be the bad one?”

“Because no one pulls of punk asshole like you.” He winked at my scowl. “Lilia’s known me way too long to believe me being the bad cop. She’d know what’s up in an instant. You having a mood swing back to rebel days is completely believable. Make sure you poke at her age and dishonor to Russia. Not too hard though. By the way, Yakov is in for the setup.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he loves fucking with Lilia. Why do you think they got divorced?”

“Sounds like a warning maybe you should listen to.”

“Nah, Yuri loves me too much. And he loves it when I’m an asshole. It just means I’ll owe him later and we both love that. You’ve got the tights, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go.”

We walked over to Yakov and Lilia and I put on a light scowl. “Vitya, Yura. Congratulations on your performances.”

“Thank you, Coach Yakov!” Viktor gave him a big hug. “I’ve missed you! How are you and Lilia doing?”

“Hey, I’m not with him.” Lilia put her hand on her hip and shot Yakov a glare that would make anyone but Yakov tremble.

“Oh, no. I didn’t mean to imply that. I was just asking in general. How are you Lilia? You’re looking radiant as always.” Viktor winked and kissed her hand. “Doesn’t she look lovely tonight, Coach?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, come on, you’ve got a little more charm than that in you. Beautiful women should always have the men around her complimenting her enthusiastically. Let’s try Yura. Don’t you think she looks lovely tonight?”

“Yeah, I guess. For an old lady.”

He gasped. “Yura! So rude! Lilia is in the prime of her youth. Why I bet she still dances like an angel. When’s the last time you danced, Lilia?”

“I dance for three hours every morning. You know that.”

“Still? What amazing dedication you have. I bet you are still just as lovely as you were on stage. I’d love to see you dance again. I remember when I was still in juniors and you put on the most beautiful performance for us at a banquet. Do you remember that Yakov?”

“She got drunk because we were fighting and swan lake came on. Her favorite.”

“Not just her favorite. Her best. Her performance that won her awards and made her name famous throughout the world. You know, I’ve watched that video. It was truly a spectacular performance.”

“Thank you.”

“You know who else danced Swan Lake and received a few awards for it? Yuri’s ballet teacher. Isn’t that funny?”

“Yeah, Minako. She’s really good. She looks great for her age. I thought she was in her thirties. Not fifties.” I looked over to where she was dancing with Chris in a short red dress.

Lilia followed my gaze then twisted her face in revulsion as she watched them grind on each other. “Her?”

Viktor looked over. “That’s the one!” He pressed his finger to his lips. “She’s saying all the time how her version was so much better than yours. I’d love to see you put that silly idea to rest.”

“Oh, come on, Vitya. You know Lilia can’t dance like that anymore. All of Russia would be embarrassed if she tried.”

“Yura, why so rude all of a sudden? I thought we were through your rebellious phase. Of course Lilia would bring honor to all of us in Russia. I doubt Minako practices ballet three hours a day still. Right, Coach? You think Lilia could still bring pride to Russia by crushing some Japanese drunkard who dances like that with men half her age, right?”

Yakov studied Lilia and then Minako. “Yes.”

“What do you say, Lilia? Show Japan that Russia is still number one?”

She looked down at the tight skirt she was wearing. “I don’t have anything to dance in.”

“Here.” I pulled the pair of folded up leggings from my jacket and tossed them to Viktor scowling even deeper.

“Perfect!” Viktor’s face lit up then turned to me with suspicion. “Yura, why do you have leggings here? Planning on putting on a show for us?”

“No! I was planning on burning them in front of baldy to celebrate the end of my contract of being forced to wear stupid girly leggings but this works too.”

“Yura, no playing with fire. Seriously, what are you? Five? But I guess your immaturity works in Lilia’s favor tonight. Here, Lilia. These will be perfect.” He held them out to her with a bright smile.

“You want me to wear those?” She pointed her finger at them like they might jump out and bite her.

“They’ll look fantastic on you, Lilia. Right, Coach?”

“They sort of look like that Tarzan performance you did.” His frown softened just a little. “You remember that one?”

Her stone face warmed by about two degrees. “Yes.”

“You made a lovely Jane.”

Her stone face rehardened. “Jane does not go with Swan Lake. It would be horrible.”

Viktor slipped his phone back in his pocket and Minako stumbled over. “Hey! It’s Lilia Baranovskaya! It’s an honor to meet you. I’m Minako Okukawa. I was always a big fan of yours. You were such an inspiration to me for my own performance in Swan Lake.” She bowed deeply. “I’d absolutely love to dance it with you. Would you please do me the honor?”

“Well, I only have these awful leggings to dance in.” She pointed at them with her nose wrinkled.

“Oh, those would look so great on you! You know combining opposing styles is what modern dance is all about. Plus, those would show off your great figure and look amazing with those cheekbones of yours. So fierce. That’s what I always admired about your dancing. Such ferocity and passion behind the elegance.”

“I suppose I could do just one dance if you insist.”

Viktor’s smug smile slipped in over his charming one.

“I do! I absolutely insist.”

“Alright, give me a moment to change.”

“I’ll be waiting right out there!” She pointed to the middle of the floor. “Thank you so much!” She bowed deeply again and Lilia walked off with the leggings dangling from her fingertips.

“Yeah!” Viktor and Minako high fived each other. “We did it! Nice touch Yura by complimenting how young Minako looks.”

“Did you now? You sweetheart!” Minako grabbed me and twirled me around. “My best ballerina.”

“I’m your best ballerina? Not Yuri?”

“Of course it’s you. Yuri’s not much of a ballerina. That’s why I told him to skate instead. You could easily do either.”

“You mean… last year. If I danced off against Yuri in ballet… I would have won?”

“Easily.”

“Vitya! You told me to choose! You knew I only know ballet! What if I had chosen it?!”

“Then you wouldn’t have come to Japan.”

“What?! You risked leaving me there?”

“No plan is without some risk but ballet would have been the best choice and at the time I could always count on you to make any choice but the best one for you.”

“You… you are the most brilliant manipulative asshole on the planet. World’s nicest supervillain.”

He laughed. “I do fit a lot of the parameters for being a villain. I don’t even want to think about who I would have become if I hadn’t met Yuri after that performance. I was already getting more jaded by the year. If I had failed at that and never recovered…”

“Yuri would have found you and loved you anyway and brought you back to who you should be just as he did. Timing doesn’t matter for things like that.”

“Aww… Yura! When did you turn into such a romantic?”

I glanced over at Beka and smiled. “Last June. The twenty-seventh to be exact. The day I met Beka again.” I looked over at Lilia heading back this way. “I feel bad for being mean to her.”

“Just apologize after. She’ll forgive you. Maybe if she’s really upset, Yakov can make his move to cheer her up.” Viktor winked and Yakov’s face rearranged under the wrinkles into something I couldn’t read at all. “Come on, Coach. Admit it. You want a piece of that fine ballerina ass still.”

“Hey! Do not talk about Lilia that way!”

“See?” Viktor winked. “Defending the woman you love. How romantic.”

Lilia and Minako went out to the middle of the dance floor. She actually did pull off those leggings well. She had on a simple black shirt on top of them and the leopard print complimented her strong features. I went to join Beka to watch the dance off. Phones were already being pulled out to record this for all time. Beka had made his own remix for their dance and it was awesome. The first few seconds was the standard opening on a piano and both of the dancers started strong but when the piano pulled back to let in a soft beat below it, Lilia stumbled just a bit. In order to be fair, we didn’t tell Minako anything about it, but she still seemed like she expected it and paused in her motion, stretching it even further until a violin pulled the melody back in and she collapsed forward and around. With the violin playing the familiar tune, Lilia went right back into the dance with her strength on full force. Damn. She was still good.

Beauty is a force of righteousness. That’s what Lilia always liked to say. Well, it seemed like time only made her more righteous. She didn’t have the same lightness that younger dancers have, but she used every bit of her experience to cover any effects of age. I think I actually preferred her style of ballet to the fluttering of younger dancers. Okay, so I really am attracted to strength even in a fifty-something woman. Weird. Minako was just as strong, but she had more flexibility in her body that made her twist and turn and stretch more. It was easy to see her influence on Yuri’s skating. That flexibility and the creativity in her moves made her look no older than twenty. If Lilia’s style was strong, classical ballet, hers was interpretive ballet. Both were amazingly good.

Lilia kicked into a split jump and flung her head back while Minako did a flying camel spin, flipping one leg around her body in a jump and landing with her free leg straight out to the side, spinning impressively without skates. She knew how to play to her audience. Her dress flew around her and rippled in the wind, but she didn’t care one bit. They really worked well together too. Side by side with two different, but equally good styles made the whole audience cheer for both to deafening levels. We thought this was going to be funny, but it turned out to be a damn impressive performance. I guess that’s what we get for underestimating the masters who taught us.

“Hey, Beka, I have an idea. Can you leave your post for a second?”

“Sure.” He pushed a few buttons and followed me down where I grabbed Viktor and Yuri and Mila and Georgi and gathered them in front of their dance off and told them my plan then Yuri helped me execute it by giving a quick cultural lesson to Mila and Georgi. They finished with moves so surprising similar, it was hard to believe they hadn’t planned it. Maybe it was a standard closing, but neither one had done anything standard so far. They spun around in what looked like a layback spin, but with more elegance than you can get when fighting massive g-forces. Their sync up ended and Minako collapsed to the ground while Lilia stood tall daring you to call her anything but beautiful. Their students all knelt to the ground and, pressing our palms to the floor, bowed deeply to show our respect to our masters while their audience cheered.

When we looked back up, Minako and Lilia were hugging and both had tears in their eyes. We stood up and applauded them while they took their bow hand in hand. They came over and we all exchanged hugs. I wrapped my arms around Lilia tight. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said at all. We were just trying to get you to agree. You looked beautiful out there. Truly. And you brought tons of pride to all of Russia.”

She gave me an expression that looked a lot like a smile. “Thank you, Yura. You truly have transformed into a thing of beauty.” She pushed me back to take my chin firmly in her hand. “Your performance was gorgeous, my child. I was so proud of you. We both miss your fire, but if Japan has turned you into this, we’re glad you found your way there.”

“I wouldn’t really say I found my way there. More like, I was dragged kicking and screaming by Viktor while Yakov shoved from behind. But close enough.”

She laughed and wrapped her arms around my head. “Beautiful. I love stories of transformation. And when am I going to meet your Kaori?”

“Come to Japan. Just a warning though, there’s a very good chance you’ll never leave.”

“I’d love to take her to see the ballet in Russia.”

“I’d have to ask her dad, but I think he’ll agree. Grandpa would love that too.”

“Good. I’ll wash your pants and return them to you as soon as I can.”

“Keep them. They look great on you.”

She looked down at them and smiled. “Thank you. They’re really not as bad as I thought.” Yakov shoved a bottle of vodka into Viktor’s hands then came up and gave Lilia a kiss on the cheek. They walked off arm in arm with Yakov whispering in her ear. I think I saw her giggle before the crowd swallowed them up.

Lilia and Minako’s dance off might not have been as funny as we thought, but Yuri getting his ass kicked by Minako definitely was. Beka was back up giving them awesome songs to dance to and while Yuri had his strength and youth to hold him in crisp poses and spin him around the floor in a flash, Minako had a creativity he couldn’t match. Everything she did looked like it had never been done before anywhere in the world until that moment. Yuri busted out the big moves with backflips and his leaping somersault flip but he still couldn’t match the cheers Minako got when she came up with yet another way that the human body could move in a sick twist across the floor. Huh. Hiding in a quiet little town in Japan, one of the best dancers in the world ran a snack bar. How did she not have students flocking to her from every part of the earth before? Well, she did now. Yuri bowed to his master and Minako bowed back then twirled around the room receiving her congratulations from everyone for achieving what none of us had managed to do all season.

“Thanks for proving he’s still beatable in something.”

“Ah, he’s still wet behind the ears. There’s so much more I can teach him still.”

“Please don’t. Did you know he was improvising his choreography?”

“Yeah, he was pissed at Viktor for a week.” She laughed. “It’s funny how mad at him he gets when we all know that Viktor’s insane ideas are what made him into what he is. Viktor knows exactly what he’s capable of. He just has to get Yuri out of the way first and that takes quite a hard shove. There is a seriously brilliant man hiding inside that big goofball we all love.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Are we going to have a dance off?”

“Please no. I already embarrassed myself thoroughly last year.”

She grabbed my hands and started twirling me around. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“I’ll dance with you, not against you.”

“Okay!” She started leading me around the floor in some Latin ballroom dance I didn’t know but was able to do anyway with her leading the way. After a minute, she saw Chris and spun me away when he held out his hand. God, please don’t tell me Viktor was right. Definitely do not want to be thinking of that. I ended up in the middle of a bunch of people I didn’t recognize, but they all recognized me. One old man’s shiny face lit up when he saw me and came over.

“Hey! It’s pretty boy! So how does it feel being a part of the biggest sports controversy of all time?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean? You must be joking. You guys were literally unbeatable. That term has been tossed around before, but this was a goddamn fact. If it was one of you, you won gold. If two, gold and silver, three… you get the idea. Every damn one. The only competition you guys had was among yourselves. And then this. Oh boy. You said Katsuki was the one to beat last year and I doubted it, but my god were you right. I wish I’d placed the biggest bet ever on that boy. Sexiest mother fucker on the planet. You happen to know his price?”

“Not for all the money in the world.”

“Damn. Another one with morals and shit. So, how’s it feel beating Nikiforov? I mean that was the biggest upset until that damn quad axel.”

“Not as good as you’d think.”

“Really? Why’s that? I mean, that was Viktor at his best too. He certainly wasn’t slacking this year.”

“I’ve just looked up to him for a long time. I always thought I wanted to beat him, but as it turns out, I think I prefer having him to look up to still. I wonder if Yuri feels that way at all.”

“Yuri? I’d heard rumors, but he was really Viktor’s fan?”

I smiled. “You have no idea.”

“Damn, he’s lucky then. I wish it’d worked out that well for me and Farrah Fawcett. And you selling my leggings with that little girl, goddamn that was cute. And good business too. You really started a trend.”

“Awesome.”

He patted my back. “Sarcasm. I love it. But really, taking a beginner to a solid performance in six weeks? Quite a feat. You must be proud.”

“Yeah, I really am. So, what are you selling this time?”

“Actually, something not awful. Thanks to you making me look good with those fucking gay ass tights. Oops, sorry. No offense. I’m a bit gay too obviously, but I still use it as an insult. Anyway, your sexy ass made my ass look good and I snagged a job at a better company. McQueen to be exact.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah and I got it thanks to name dropping my close ties to you. So how ‘bout it? Don’t have them send me on the street and be the new face of their campaign? They’re going in a punk rock style this year and I told them I know just the pretty boy for it.”

“Does it have animal print?”

“The best kind. That high-end shit looks amazing.”

“What’s your offer?”

“Ah, learning I see. Yeah, always make the other guy say his number first. Especially here. I think you might have lowballed what they’re willing to offer. How does four million sound? And if we can throw your little girl into the campaign, they’ll bump it to seven. People are eating that shit up with the little punk rock rebel and this pretty little girl together.”

“Ten if you want both.”

He smiled. “Pretty boy’s now a man. Hey, how old are you now?”

“Sixteen.”

“Damn. They wanted to do some sexy ones with you and that boyfriend of yours. Gays are all the rage this year thanks to you guys. I don’t know how provocative they want to go though.”

“Aren’t fashion designers all about provocative?”

“True. And McQueen certainly loves provoking. Okay, throw him in for fifteen. Or do you need to talk to him first?”

“I don’t have to talk to negotiate. If he likes it, he’ll sign. And twenty-one for all of us.”

He whistled. “Damn, and here I thought you were gonna lowball me. I guess you’ve already had more than a few go arounds with these this season. I don’t know if I can do that much.”

“I just crushed Yuri Katsuki’s performance at the Grand Prix and beat Viktor Nikiforov tonight. And next year’s going to be even better for all of us. Take it or leave it.”

“Well, your last year’s predictions were right on the money, so okay. Done.” We shook hands and he patted my back. “Still a no go on the blowjob, huh?”

“That’s right.”

“Alright well, I’ll get those contracts to you. See ya, pretty boy!” He waved and disappeared into the crowd.

Seven million. Sweet. That was my biggest contract yet. I really do like that guy. Weird. I suppose I should hate him for the ones who don’t say no, but that’s their business. I went over to Beka to tell him the news. He grinned when he saw me and dipped me back into a kiss.

“I saw you talking to our favorite pervert.”

“Yeah. I got seven million for each you, Kaori, and me to be the faces of McQueen.”

“Really? Holy shit. That’s a big deal. Nicely done.”

“Yeah he’s actually easy to negotiate with. He really sucks at his job. You don’t mind doing a sexy photoshoot with me, do you?”

“Hmm… getting paid seven million dollars to take sexy pictures with you? Sounds like a dream come true, suyiktim.” He gave me another kiss that reached through every part of me. How does he do that? Touches one part of me and ends up grabbing everything else along with it. “Did you want to dance at all? I can put on a playlist if you do.”

“Nah, I’m not really the dancing type unless it’s on the ice. And you look like you’re having fun up here.”

“I am. The only thing missing is you.”

“I’ll go grab us some champagne and I’ll be right back.” I gave him a kiss and went to the buffet table where I bumped into Yuri.

“Yura!” He threw his arms up and grabbed me tight. “How’s my favorite Yuri doing?”

“Aren’t you your favorite Yuri?”

“Huh? No. That’d just be weird. You’re my favorite Yuri.” He poked my nose and I couldn’t help laughing.

I looked over to see Chris had grabbed Viktor into his dance with Minako and his boyfriend. “Doesn’t that bother you?”

He looked to where I was pointing. “Nah, Viktor knows who he belongs to. And Chris is actually surprisingly respectful. He may look and flirt but he won’t touch what’s mine without my permission and I’m not giving it.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s got his hands all over him.”

“Psh, that barely counts compared to what I do to him.”

“So speaking of that… Are you too drunk for a Yuri stuff lecture?”

“Aren’t drunk Yuri stuff lectures your favorite?”

“Yeah but I need solid advice. Are you too drunk for that?”

“I’m a wise motherfucker. I always give good advice no matter how drunk I am. By the way, this is America. Be careful about being caught drinking. They really don’t like that shit.”

“I’ll try. So… What’s it like having sex for the first time?”

His eyes slowly widened into shock. “You mean you actually took my advice and waited?”

“Yeah.”

“You… listened to me? About that?!”

“Yeah. Well, Beka helped me listen. I offered more than once but he wouldn’t agree for various reasons. Usually that I didn’t sound very sure. Or that I’d been drinking.”

He threw his arms around me again. “You guys listened to me! Oh, I’m so happy. I’m amazed actually. I wasn’t expecting you to be so mature about it. And I like Beka. He’s a good man.”

“Yeah he is. Also the idea of having sex with Viktor staring at us was more than a little disturbing. I mean we’ve done a few other things, but we always had to wait for it to be really dark. Otherwise… ugh.”

“Oh. Sorry. I guess I should take them down. And get you a bigger bed.”

“We kind of like the small bed.”

“Yeah until you learn how hard it is to have sex with someone in a bed that tiny. Viktor and I tried once. We almost broke it.”

“Ew! I didn’t need to know that!”

“Oh, sorry. So, sex… hmm… what to tell you. Uh, condoms! Yeah, that first. You may be clear, but I’m guessing he’s been with other people?”

“Yeah.”

“Has he been tested since he was last with someone?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s something you should always know about your partner. I’d be worried if they don’t get tested regularly. Even with condoms, sometimes shit happens. Unless he’s been tested recently and you’re completely monogamous use condoms. Even then be careful. Boys sometimes lie and cheat. You’re trusting him with your life. Literally. I actually took a huge risk with trusting Viktor the first time we were together, but… I knew him. Not like as my idol, but as a person.”

“Yeah you talked to him for five minutes. You knew everything in his soul.”

He laughed. “Is that what you guys really think of me?”

“Yeah, why do you think we all assigned you the owl. It’s creepy, man. I mean you looked at Sara and just knew her instantly too.”

“That was a guess. She’s a hot twenty-two-year-old woman. I’d be shocked if she hadn’t had sex. I was mostly trying to judge how offended she’d be.”

“Still you pick up on a whole lot more than most people. Probably why performing has always been tough for you. You can’t drown everything out like I think the rest of us do.”

“Not unless I’m wasted. Oh, sex. We were talking about sex. Hey, why did you ask me instead of Viktor?”

“I’m not trying to hurt him. I just… I dunno. I’ve gotten used to getting serious life advice from you. Viktor gives good advice too but it’s different. I kind of go to my different people for different things.”

“That’s great, Yura. I’m glad you feel so comfortable with all of us. You don’t still have a crush on me, right?”

“God no.”

“Good. Okay. Sex. Um… what is there to say other than condoms? Oh, lube! Lots of lube! Do you have any?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Use lots. Like way more than you think is enough. Beka should know this but just in case. He’s… big. That may be a little tough for your first time, but if he’s gentle you should be fine. Oh wait. I’m assuming you’re bottoming here. Are you?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I have any desire to fuck him. Is that weird?”

“No. Not at all. However you both like it is totally fine. I mean if you want to slap a diaper on your ass and call him daddy have at it.”

“Ugh, please tell me that is not real-life experience for you.”

“God no. I’m just saying that people like the weirdest shit. I mean, have you seen the internet? My god. I doubt there is anything that you and Beka could come up with that would ever be called weird in the face of all the shit people have done over the millennia. If you both like it it’s fine. Don’t worry about it being weird or not. And what you want might change over time too. On that note, don’t try for too much experimenting your first time. Keep it simple. It’s already going to be overwhelming.”

“What’s it feel like?”

“Have you tried anything on your own yet?”

“With my dick, not there.”

“Well the first few minutes might feel like you’re taking a shit. That’s all your brain knows of for down there. That passes though and it feels… Hmm… For me, when I was with anyone but Viktor, it felt good, kind of like a good soak in the onsen. Intense at first but then deeply relaxing. But… it never really had that thing that made me understand why people craved it so much. I knew I was missing something and I kept trying random people hoping that one would show me what I was missing, but I just kept ending up emptier. It didn’t really feel like much of anything at the end so I just stopped.” He smiled and looked over at Viktor.

“And then him. Before he even touched me, I felt what I had been missing. He loved me. With anyone but him it felt full, but like a bloated fullness that left me feeling like my entire body had been stretched out and emptied of everything I was. With him that fullness went into my heart and gave me back not just everything that had been stripped from me before, but filled it with something more than what I was and left it there forever.

I don’t know how to explain sex as simply sex because it’s never just that for me. It’s either something that destroys me or something that makes me feel whole and safely desperate for the man I love.” He looked over to Beka and then back at me. “I’ll explain it the way it is with Viktor. You love each other like we do. Except, there really are no words for how it feels. Really full. Like insanely full. It feels like he’s expanding you down to your very cells and infusing you with his love and passion to carry with you. It’s incredible. Don’t expect it to feel amazing your first time though. I mean, he loves you, so you should definitely feel that, but it can take a few tries or more before you’re really in sync. Ha! N’Sync. I need to get Beka to play them. I haven’t heard them in forever. Minako used to make me dance to them all the time.”

“Yuri. Focus. Sex.”

“Right. Sex. Um… Did I say anything about fingers yet?”

“No.”

“Oh yeah, he’s big. You don’t want to take all of that right at once. Again, he should know this. He doesn’t seem like the type to be a rough lover.” He looked over at the DJ stand with his head tilted. “Well not in a bad way at least. He looks like a hair puller. He’s really got a thing for your hair. Using my creepy owl vision here, which is hilarious because I can’t see shit without my glasses, but Beka… How shall I put this?” He tapped his finger on his chin. “Beka, yeah. He’s a hair puller.” He nodded, satisfied that this answer was more than enough explanation. “But yeah, start with a finger and slowly work your way up carefully stretching. Just like you do every day! You can use a tongue too, but don’t rely solely on that. It does feel amazing though.”

“A… tongue? There? Isn’t that dirty?”

“As long as you’re clean and healthy, it’s not too risky. Slightly higher risk of stomach infection, but not enough to worry me. I’ve got an immune system for a reason. We do it all the time and have never had an issue.”

“Really? Did I need to know that my coaches stick their tongues in each other’s assholes?”

“Don’t give me that shit. You fucking listened to us. You wanted to know every single detail.” He glared at me from behind the champagne glass he was downing.

“I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

“Yeah, no. And Viktor and I are actually pretty tame. A little kinky sometimes, but nothing crazy. We prefer just the feeling of connecting to each other. Just focus on that and the rest will take care of itself. Except condoms! Seriously. Condoms.” A few people turned to stare and I blushed on Yuri’s behalf.

“Got it. Condoms. We’ll use them. Stop shouting condoms all over the place.”

“Oh, right. Sorry. So tonight then? Is that what you’re planning?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been drinking.”

“I know. We already talked about it.”

He threw his arms around me again. “My little Yurochka’s so grown up now. Talking to his partner about sex before he does it. Getting advice from the older and more experienced. Using condoms. So fucking mature.”

“You sound like Viktor.”

“Yeah well, the more time you spend with someone the more you become like them. That’s why it’s a good idea to do things separately sometimes too. If you become too much like each other, that spark that attracted you fades. You and Beka seem to have that down pretty well though. I actually think your relationship is more functional than mine.”

“Wait, what?!”

“No, I don’t mean like that. Viktor and I are still insanely in love. It’s that insane part that makes us not exactly textbook healthy relationship material. We’re a little co-dependent if you haven’t noticed.”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means that we are a little unhealthy in how attached to each other we are but life is never textbook perfect and I am so blissfully happy with my slightly dysfunctional relationship. Neither of us are the healthiest of people and it just so happens that our cracks match perfectly. Do you have any other questions? You do know his dick goes in your asshole, right? I wasn’t too vague there?”

“Yes, I know that!”

“Sorry, sorry. Just making sure.”

“How was your first time?”

“Good. Not great, but he was nice. What happened after sucked, but the act itself was fine.”

“What happened?”

“I found him making out with some other guy. I had to compete right after too. I messed up so badly. Tripped on my toe pick on the last jump in a combo along with like fifty other falls.”

“I think I saw that one. Was that at Skate America a few years back?”

“Yeah. How did you see it?”

“… I was a little obsessed with you when Viktor left me for you. I wanted to know what he saw in you. I guess that’s pretty fucking obvious now.”

He smiled. “That was the performance that made him fall in love with me. Well, as a skater. He didn’t really like my personal best from before him but he loved watching me fall.”

“Yeah, you and Kaori take some impressive falls. I fell in love with her when I first saw her fall too.”

“You Russian skating gods really have a thing for pathetic, Japanese skaters, don’t you?”

“I’m a skating god?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I haven’t won many golds this year though. Only when I wasn’t competing against you guys.”

“Yeah, it’s not a loss when you don’t get gold competing against the best. The sporting world has officially deified all four of us. Nothing like what we’ve done has ever happened before in any sport. Coaching your competition? I think we’re going to be seeing others trying that too now.”

“Psh, they can’t copy us.”

“I know, right?”

“One more question. Viktor’s parents. How does that work with you not forgiving them?”

“That was a jump. Um, It’s a little tense. I try to be nice but I’ve jumped on them more than once for saying something stupid. They call me his bodyguard.”

“Yeah. That sounds right. I guess I mean, how does Viktor do it? My mom actually wished me luck this week. What do I do with that?”

“Maybe ask him then. I can’t tell you everything he thinks.”

“Well I’m asking you because you said he’s pretty much forgiven them and you still hate them. I still hate my mom.”

“Yeah that’s going to take a long time and a lot of work to forgive. You might not ever forgive her. But I think it’s easier to forgive someone for hurting you than it is to forgive them for hurting someone you love. It feels too much like saying what they did is okay to me and it’s not okay. He lives with the effects of what they did every day. Every time I see him struggle it makes me mad all over again. So, sorry. No wise Yuri stuff advice for you there. I haven’t worked it out myself yet.”

“Well get on it. I need to know.” I punched him in the shoulder.

He smiled. “Maybe you really should ask Viktor this one. He’s naturally more forgiving than me, but he knows what it’s like to reestablish a relationship with people who’ve hurt you. Maybe the forgiving will come after that. And just so you know, you don’t have to forgive her either.”

“What? Isn’t it like, I dunno, common knowledge that forgiveness is good?”

“It can be. It depends on the circumstances. What your mom did to you was awful. It was abuse. Even if she changes… don’t feel like you are required to forgive her for how she treated you. If you want to forgive her, do it because that’s what you need and what you want. If you want to never speak to her again, that’s fine too. Whatever is going to make your life the easiest to live for you is what you should do. This is where it’s okay to be a selfish asshole.”

“Would you still say this when you’re sober?”

“Yeah, but if you want to confirm that, just ask again when I’m sober.”

“Thanks, wise Yuri. I always love your lectures.”

“Always?”

“Um, well, later I do. Not always at the moment.”

“Hey are we having a rematch on the dance floor?”

“Nah, I can’t beat you.”

“You better be trying your damnedest to. It’s only fun when you know they’re trying just as hard for you as you are for them. And your breakdancing has gotten better.”

“How about we just dance together and take a break on the competing.”

“Sure! Let’s go.” He grabbed my hand.

“Wait, I promised Beka I’d bring him champagne and hang out with him.”

“Okay come get me whenever you want. If you and Beka want to learn how to dance together I can teach you.”

“I’ll ask him.”

Yuri waved and walked over to Viktor stealing him back with a kiss.

I grabbed two glasses and went back to Beka. “Yuri wants to know if you have any interest in dance lessons from him. Like teaching us how to dance together.”

“Hmm… it’s up to you suyiktim. I’m not much of a dancer, but if you want to learn I’m more than willing.”

“It might help for later, right? Getting in sync with each other?”

“Yeah. Dancing is good for that. Okay, let’s do it.”

“Oh yeah, Yuri wanted you to play N’Sync. He’s pretty drunk so I don’t know how serious he was about it, but I think he’d like it.”

“Must I?”

“No. Just passing on the message.”

“Alright, fine. I’ll put it on and we can drink to block it out and then we’ll dance?”

“Sounds good to me.”

He put on “It’s Gonna Be Me” and after about three notes, Yuri screamed, shoved Viktor away and ran for Minako who was also shoving Chris away and running for him.

“Oh my god. That is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen him do.”

“You mean other than kiss a man?”

“Yeah other than that.”

The crowd cleared the way for them and Viktor took a front row seat. Yuri and Minako set themselves up, legs spread wide and looking at the floor waiting for the dance to pick up. The first hard beat hit and they both looked up and punched their fists at the same time breaking out into a perfectly synchronized 90’s boy band dance. Jumping and crossing their legs and spinning around while they both sung the lyrics at the top of their lungs. Yuri, of course, directed his gestures to Viktor who looked absolutely delighted and in love, of course. He and Minako turned their dance to face each other and it split apart into a duet with them each doing their own thing. It didn’t look like a competition though, just like they were having more fun improvising and screaming the lyrics at each other than keeping with the choreography. The crowd loved it. Yuri banquet videos showed up on the internet right along with his skating videos. He was embarrassed about it, but apparently not enough to stop.

“This. Is. Awesome.” Beka started laughing. “Oh my god. I’m playing another! I never really liked N’Sync before, but this is amazing. Hmm… which one am I putting on next? Oh! This one!”

I gave him a kiss after he finished pushing his buttons with a huge grin on my face. “You’re adorable when you show off your dorky side. I remember you being a rather big dork as a kid. It’s cute to see it again.”

“Oh, yeah? I thought you liked how awesome I am now.”

“I do. I just like seeing the side no one else gets to see.”

He smiled and gave me a kiss. “It’s all yours, suyiktim.”

“Space Cowboy” came on and the two dorks on the floor got even more excited and went into a ridiculous dance with them putting one hand on their crotch and the other out in front and jumping like they were riding a horse and laying sideways on the floor thrusting their hips. I didn’t know Yuri could ever look like a dork when he’s dancing, but he was so completely a dork right now and he was loving every second of it.

“Oh my god. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun DJing before. They are awesome! I wonder how many I can play before they stop?” There was so much joy in his eyes as he scrolled through looking for his next song. “Oh, this is a classic. I wonder how Yuri will bring Viktor into the dance with this one.”

“Bye Bye Bye” came on and Yuri froze for a second before grinning and pulling Viktor into their dance to have him and Minako toy with him back and forth. Beka was laughing hysterically. And maybe I was too a little. This was pretty funny. The image of exactly how pissed Yuri was going to be in the morning made it even better.

“Here, I’ll make it better. Poor Viktor.”

He played “I want you back” next and watching Yuri trying to seduce Viktor back in a war with Minako with popping shoulders, thrusting hips, and some ridiculous waving arms was one of the best things I’ve ever seen him do on the dance floor. He really was capable of moving in a thousand different ways though. It was impressive. And watching an old ballerina match him step for step made it incredible.

“Hmm… I wonder if it’s just N’Sync…”

The Backstreet Boys came on with “Larger Than Life” and Yuri and Minako moved right into it without missing a beat. These dance moves were actually a little better too. It had some cheesy robot shit, but it was mixed with some dirtier dancing that was a little less synchronized and hoppy like the N’Sync ones had been. Yuri dragged Viktor next to him and made him dance with him, demonstrating a few moves as he went. Viktor actually picked it up quickly and it looked like they moved into a contest to see who could come up with the most ridiculous boy band dance moves ever. Phichit came screaming in from across the room as he pulled Sara by the hand, willingly it looked like. Yuri spotted him and opened his arms and Phichit jumped into them and started dancing right alongside them. Sara joined in as well which dragged Mila out too and a full on 90’s boy band dance party broke out.

“Hey, you wanted to dance, right?”

“Not to this!”

“Come on, it’ll be fun. I put it on a playlist so I have a while before I have to get back.”

“I thought you didn’t like N’Sync.”

“What can I say? They’re classics and they make it look awesome. Now that you’ve admitted that you like my dorky side, here it is. Still love me?”

“You know I do.”

He smiled and gave me a kiss. “Then dance with me, suyiktim.”

“Okay.” I put my glass on the table next to us and let him lead me down to the floor.

Yuri threw his arms out to Beka and launched himself at him giving him a big kiss on the cheek. “Best DJ ever! I mean it! Ever! I love you so much! I’m so glad we added you! Best ever! First place! Gold medal!”

Beka laughed. “I’m glad you like it. You guys are awesome. The best part about DJing is that you get to watch people kill it on the dance floor to something you picked. The better you choose, the better they dance.”

“So, we’re like your pet dancing monkeys?” Yuri’s enthusiasm dampened to a wide-eyed look.

“Dance, monkey, dance.”

“Wooo! Best DJ ever!” Yuri scratched under his armpits and swayed side to side back to Viktor.

“Wow, he’s really drunk tonight.”

“Viktor changed his costume at the last minute. I think he’s trying to get over that. And celebrating his quad axel too.”

Beka laughed. “Viktor is such an asshole to him. I thought it looked tighter. Okay, so I have no idea what to do next.”

“Do what I do.”

“What’s that?”

“Ask Yuri.”

“Are you sure? He’s really wasted. He’s probably going to give terrible advice.”

“No, some of his best advice comes when he’s drunk.”

“Alright.” He grabbed Yuri back and shouted something in his ear over the music. Yuri looked ecstatic and grabbed Beka into his arms and shoved me into Phichit. Minako grabbed Viktor and started teaching him some new moves along with Chris and his boyfriend.

Phichit and I stared at each other completely confused. “Uh, hi.” So much for that great advice. Yuri waved his hand at him and apparently that meant something because Phichit smiled and grabbed my hands. “Care to dance?”

“Uh, okay.” Sara and Mila were busy dancing together so I guess Phichit was free to be my teacher. He started leading me back and forth just trying to help me establish a rhythm. “Hey, if you’re not gay, doesn’t it bother you to dance with me?”

“No. I never really think too much about what type of genitals my friends like. It’s kind of a weird thing to be concerned about. You did amazing by the way. I loved your performance.”

“Thanks, you too. I was so pissed that JJ beat you. Your performance was so much better.”

“Yeah, that sucked, but there’s always next year and I’m proud of how I did this season.”

“Hey, you should come train with us. I’d love to see Yuri fight that one. Coaching four students while competing… but you’re his best friend. And Viktor, well, he’s insane. He’ll agree just for the hell of messing with Yuri.”

“I do miss Yuri. I like being home, but honestly, I liked training with Yuri better. He’s awesome. I wouldn’t have made it to the Grand Prix if it weren’t for him helping me all those years.”

“We should just invite everyone. Except JJ.”

Phichit laughed. “That’s a great idea! I’d love to see his head explode.”

“Coaches are going to hate him when he opens up. They’re not going to have any students. They’ll all be in some onsen in Japan. I think they’re going to need a bigger onsen.” I grabbed Yuri. “Hey, Yuri, Phichit should come train with us.”

He threw his arms up in the air. “Phichit! Yes! Train! Me! Come! Now! Bring Sara! Get her away from creepy brother.” Yuri’s drunken enthusiasm drained to great concern and his arms went back to his sides.

Phichit laughed. “You’re not even going to remember saying yes in the morning.”

“Write it on my hand. Then I won’t forget. Oh, wait, that’ll probably get rubbed off tonight. Write it on my forehead.” He grabbed Viktor and took a pen out of his jacket. “Here.”

He leaned forward and Phichit wrote, ‘I have agreed to coach Phichit and Sara’. “Here, sign it.” He handed Yuri the pen and grabbed his phone to take pictures as Yuri stuck his tongue out while trying to scrawl his name on his forehead.

“How did I do?”

“Uh… looks legit.”

“Sweet. So, how did it go with Sara?”

“Awesome.” Phichit sighed. “She’s amazing.”

“Oh! Oh! Write her too! Before I forget.”

“I already did. Let me show her.” Phichit grabbed Sara’s hand and pointed to Yuri’s face and she started laughing.

“Oh! Me too!” Mila grabbed the pen and wrote her name on Yuri’s face. By the time Yuri made it back to Viktor after being passed around the room he had names written all over his face and he had removed his shirt so they could write over his chest and shoulders too. I don’t even think all of them were skaters. Viktor grabbed him by the shoulders and stared intently trying to read the drunken scrawl on his fiancé before he burst out laughing and grabbed his phone to take pictures while Yuri posed for him like a playboy model. Phichit grabbed his phone again and took pictures of Viktor taking pictures of Yuri. Coaches all over the room looked like they wanted to kill him. He didn’t have to worry about getting kneecapped by a fellow skater. He had to worry about coaches using connections to Yakov and the mob to take him out.

Phichit went back to teaching me and Yuri started showing Beka how to do that ridiculous arm waving move. They looked like a couple of octopuses. Phichit demonstrated what was I guess the standard boy band move which was spreading your feet wide and jumping while bopping your arms or beating your fists against a wall. Easy enough to do if not completely ridiculous. It was kinda fun though. The next one was the step and slide followed by the step, slide, and turn, followed by the jump, cross your feet, and turn. A little like the breaking Yuri had showed me but way dorkier. With a few moves down, they released me and Beka to dance with each other which was a little awkward at first, but we eventually picked up a beat and made our own stupid choreography that was also absurdly fun. We added in a few other moves by watching and by the time the music slowed down a little we weren’t half bad. Yuri came over to shove our hips together and move them in slow thrusts with our arms wrapped around each other. He watched for a second and nodded in approval and then grabbed us again to add in a twist. He nodded and went back to Viktor.

“That was… Uh, I got the feeling he was teaching us how to have sex more than dance.”

“I kinda asked him about it earlier. That might be why.”

“Oh, really? Are you nervous?”

“A little. But I still want to do it! Don’t back out! You promised.”

“I’m not backing out. Just asking.” He brushed my hair out of my face and held it as he came in for a kiss. “You have no idea how happy I was when you told me you were really ready this morning. I’ve wanted you for so long.”

“I want you too, Beka. There’s nothing that I want more.” Our hips pressed tighter together and we dipped down lower into the slow grind. Yuri looked back and gave us a thumbs up. We both started laughing and kissed again. This kind of dancing was way easier and actually felt pretty good with the friction and heat between us and Beka’s arms tight around me.

The music picked up again though and Yuri pulled me away to dance with him. “My turn to dance with Yura! Remember? Hmm… can we break to this?”

“I’ll go lay down a beat to it and it should be fine.”

“Oh my god! Best DJ ever! Did I tell you that yet? Because you are. Best. Ever. DJ. Wait. Best. DJ. Ever. Yeah, that’s right. Best DJ ever!”

“You might have mentioned that once or twice.”

“Best ever!” Yuri kissed his cheek again and Beka left to fix the music chuckling to himself.

“Everybody” came on with a sick beat laid underneath and the vocals held back and released whenever Beka felt like it. He had his headphones halfway on and intense concentration on his face as he bobbed to the music, feeling for the right times. So hot. I asked him once how he knew when to change it and he just shrugged and said practice. I love him, but he’s not always the best with explaining things. It is nice though when I just want someone to listen and encourage me and give me space to decide on my own. I think that was the healthy way a partner is supposed to act. Not like my dad or my big brother, but like my friend. I guess it was weird to think of him that way, but that’s what it was. He was still just my friend Beka. We just played a little differently now. It was a comforting thought.

Oops, not supposed to be thinking of Beka. Dancing with Yuri. That’s what I’m doing. Again. Same thing, totally different. It’s really nice not having a crush on your brother’s fiancé. Makes going to their wedding a whole lot easier. And living with them and stripping naked with them and skating with them… Yeah it made a lot of things easier. I pulled out my phone and pulled up the article from a year ago about how to get over a crush. I hit the five-star button and smiled. Kissing someone else really did work.

“What are you doing? No texting. We’re dancing.” Yuri grabbed my arm and pulled me into his dance.

“Now I get how you were a slut before Viktor. You’re uncontrollable when you’re drunk.”

“Oh my god. Such a slut.”

“Don’t you ever worry about messing up while drunk?”

“Nope. I’m Viktor’s. Viktor’s Yuri. Only Viktor’s. My brain doesn’t have room for anyone else. Never has. Never will. He’s so big.” He leaned forward as he put in extra effort to pronounce the words clearly through the alcohol. “Like huge. I thought I was going to die the first time. I lied to him a little. It kind of hurt. But that was my fault. I wanted him too much. Too impatient. I waited eleven fucking years; I wasn’t waiting one more second. But I couldn’t really see what he was going to do to me. Maybe if I had I would have let him use those fingers. He’s so big! It was on ice. So good. You wanna know my secret to the quad axel? I just fucked Viktor on the ice. Like all over the ice. I fucked Viktor in front of millions of people and I don’t think they noticed.” He shook his head from side to side, not quite in a straight line.

“No, I’m pretty sure they did.”

His eyes went wide and he nodded slowly. “Viktor told me to do it and so I did because I love Viktor and I love the ice. I love Viktor on the ice.” He put my hands to clasp together in front of me and gave me a look that said hold it then took a few steps back and ran and jumped into my hands and flipped himself backward. “Viktor’s Yuri!” He put his arms up then flipped around again. “You wanted to know what it feels like? It feels like a fucking quad axel.” He jumped and twisted tight and high in the air. How the fuck does he do this while drunk? I was only a little tipsy and I was still having a hard time holding the poses and spinning even a little felt like coming out of the tightest of spins. Still, it was fun playing with new moves my body could do to Beka’s awesome mix. He made even boy bands cool. He smiled as he watched me from the stand so I put everything I could into impressing him. I wasn’t a great dancer, but I could hold my own at least now. I grinned thinking of last year and thought about what Minako had said about mixing styles. Maybe I could pull it off. I took off my jacket and tie and tossed them on the floor then worked some ballet into my breaking. Flying and leaping gracefully, then crashing onto the ground into a hold or a spin. Pirouetting then kicking out of it with a flip. It was fun and the crowd started cheering. Yuri gave me a smile and started pulling out his bigger moves. A good sign that I was doing alright.

Minako and Lilia joined us and even Lilia started picking up on a few of the breaking moves and put them into her dance, loosening some of her spins and stretching her limbs into different angles. Yuri grabbed her and started doing some lifts which made her eyes widen in shock before she relaxed back and bent in a graceful arch over Yuri’s hands. She danced out of them and Minako moved in and used Yuri to lift herself before he grabbed her and tossed her up with one hand. Damn, he’s strong. Minako didn’t look worried at all that he would drop her even when he was so wasted. She smiled and he put her down then grabbed me next. Shit, what do I do? I’d never done lifts before but apparently, that didn’t matter. Yuri tossed me in the air, caught my foot and sent me into a flip. I landed it as my body knew how which was with a free leg held high and my back arched, arms to the sides. The crowd went wild, screaming and pumping their fists in the air. Beka cheered loudly from his stand looking genuinely shocked. Yuri smiled at me and gave a little bow with his head then went back into some more killer moves. He was still the king, but he made everyone else look good too. Agape. That’s what’s hiding in his dances no matter how sexy they get. Just like Viktor, he didn’t want to be alone on the top. That siren call to join them is what pulled us all in and made their routines so compelling. Don’t worry, Yuri. I’m learning your secrets and I’m coming for you next. I won’t leave you alone on the top.

I grabbed my jacket and tie and went back to Beka who grabbed me and dipped me back into a deep kiss. “You’re so fucking sexy, suyiktim. That was amazing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. I can’t believe how good you got in just a year. So sexy.” His hand gripped the side of my face and burned my stomach with another kiss. “You ready to get out of here?”

“Yeah. Totally ready.”

Beka found the old DJ. “Hey, I put on a long playlist. They like this stuff. Leave it alone.”

“Really? But this sucks.”

“Doesn’t matter what you like. You’re playing it for them. Look at them. They love it.” He nodded at the crowd dancing and laughing to the cheesiest of songs with dance beats laid under them. “Come on, suyiktim.” He put his arm around me and led me up to our room.

By the time we got to our room, my body was shaking harder than it ever did before a performance. I was trying to let it go all over me, but I was having a hard time. Every time I got it to flow out, a new wave would build hard in my chest. Beka was quiet, but I knew he could feel my shaking. Our room was nice. Clean, modern. One of the most expensive hotels in Boston. It was strange having money now and not having to worry about it. I still felt weird any time I spent it though. We didn’t spring for the best room like Viktor had even though we could have easily. Going from wading through broken glass to this in a year was more than a little overwhelming. There were so many stories of people just like me who came from nothing, got everything, and then lost it again. That wasn’t going to be me. There was no way in hell I was going back to a year ago in any way. Beka didn’t start off as badly as I did, but he still felt much the same way. It felt amazing though to support our families in a way they deserved.

Grandpa wanted to go back to St. Petersburg to help take care of his son and grandkids and keep an eye on mom so I bought him a really nice apartment and it felt so good to know that after all of his years working hard to give to everyone else, he was finally going to rest easy. I ended up buying mom a new home too. I thought that maybe a new place would help her feel less stuck. I wanted to burn that old place to the ground, but there was nothing actually wrong with it so it was cleaned up and a new family moved in. I really hoped their time there was nothing like mine. I suppose that we should be thinking of moving out of Yuri’s place too, but it felt so much like home I didn’t want to leave. Beka seemed to be perfectly happy sharing that tiny bed with me night after night there. I guess that’s why Yuri and Viktor never moved out either. Who would want to leave such a warm place with some of the most amazing people on the planet all gathered around you? I broke a world record beating Viktor Nikiforov and winning silver at Worlds and bronze at the Grand Prix my first year out and the thing I was happiest about was having a family that I could make happy too.

Beka put his hand behind my head. “What are you smiling about?”

“Just thinking about what I was happiest about tonight.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Having people to love and make happy.”

“You make me very happy, suyiktim. I have everything I ever wanted now that I have you. You’re still sure you want to do this?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

“I promise I’ll take care of you. Try to relax.” His dark eyes pressed his sincerity to my heart.

“Kiss me.”

His gentle hands went to my hair and he watched me for a second before catching my open lips in his. I tossed my jacket and tie on the chair next to us and put my arms around his neck. Leaving his lips and tongue caressing mine, his hands moved to my shirt and undid the buttons. I pulled the shirt off and his hands moved to my belt. His mouth moved to my stomach as he stripped me of the rest of my clothes leaving me completely naked in front of him. He stepped back to stare at me, his eyes scanning every trembling inch with lust.

“Beka?”

His eyes moved up from my swiftly hardening cock.

Standing in front of him so vulnerable while he clearly had the power was apparently a turn on. I understood what he must have felt standing in front of me, fragile heart in his hand, asking me for a kiss. Only the one he gave his vulnerability to wasn’t worthy of it. But I had nothing to fear because he gave me a gift and he was most definitely worthy of mine. “Will you be my first lover?”

“If you’ll be my last.” He put his hand to my stunned face. “Don’t worry, it’s not a proposal. I’ll do that one right someday. I just want you to know that there are no doubts in me that I want you for the rest of my life. I love you, suyiktim. You are the only one I have ever loved.”

He brought his lips back to mine and started taking off his clothes. He pushed me back onto the bed and I scooted up higher while he crawled toward me, hunger on his face. My cock jumped and he took it in his hand, stroking gently. I stared up at him, my eyes wide, body shaking harder than ever. Yeah, cause that’s really sexy. Come on, Yura. Get it together. He’s not going to hurt you.

“You still want to do this?”

“Yes! No backing out!” I didn’t mean to sound so angry, but in my panic, that was all I had. Anger was still my go-to when I was overwhelmed. I may not ever get over that. Maybe it’s just who I am. At least I can control it better to not hurt people.

“I’m not backing out. I want you. I’m just giving you the option to back out. Even though you agreed earlier, you’re still free to change your mind.”

“I know. I want this. I do. I’m just scared. I trust you and I know you won’t hurt me so please just keep going. I think it will be easier if I don’t have as much time to think about it.”

“Okay. Just remember, if you want me to stop, just say it and I will.”

“I know. I love you, zhanym, and I’m yours so just take me already.”

He smiled a softened smirk and his kiss made the heat in my body rise. His lips moved down my chest and stomach until his silken mouth surrounded me with his heat. My stomach clenched hard and my hands flew to his shoulders.

“Oh, god, Beka. That feels so good.” My shaking changed to twitching and twisting with his mouth holding me in place. Sloppy suction pulled me into him and my back arched off the bed. Easy. Calm down. You’re not supposed to come yet. But, oh my god, he feels so good. Moans rumbled through my throat and my fingers tightened on his shoulders. “Beka, I’m close. Give me a second.”

His mouth pulled off, glistening red, silver strands clinging to my cock. “It’s okay. You can come. It’ll make it easier for you to relax.”

His mouth swallowed my cock again and my hips pressed toward him. His hands pressed into my thighs to hold me down as I started bucking into his mouth. Tension spiraled in my stomach until I couldn’t hold it there anymore and it crashed through me. I pulsed hard into his mouth and he took every drop, sucking it out of me and draining me completely. He looked up and wiped his mouth then kissed me, his mouth covered with the taste of me. It was a little strange, but not bad and that look he gave me when he wiped his mouth was always so hot, I wouldn’t care what his mouth tasted like as long as I could taste it. He reached for the nightstand and grabbed a condom and the bottle of lube. He gave me one last kiss then kissed his way back down my body.

He pressed slow kisses along my thigh working his way up from my knee. My stupid trembling started up again as he cracked open the bottle and poured it into his hand.

“Oh, Yuri said use lots. And um, have you been tested since you were last with someone?”

“Yeah. I don’t have anything.”

“Okay.” I nodded and closed my eyes. “Go ahead.” He pushed my legs back and his slick finger started caressing me. He slipped it inside and I squirmed a little but tried to focus on my breath to relax. It slid in deeper and it was strange, but not bad. At least it didn’t hurt. He started moving it inside me and tingles of energy started flaring out. Another finger went in and a little burning stretch started as he twisted them around. The burn went away until he added a third finger and it came back a little more than before, but it was bearable. His fingers pumped in and out of me and the burn started to fade again. This was okay. A little weird, but okay. His fingers came out and while a few minutes ago I felt just fine without fingers in my asshole, now I felt weirdly empty. He rolled the condom over himself and I guess I never thought about just how big he was before, but now that was definitely something to think about with the knowledge that it was about to go inside me. He spread more lube on and pressed against me. If I was trembling before, now I was in the middle of a goddamn earthquake.

He pressed his hand against my chest and started pushing in slowly. I opened up around him and gasped, arching off the bed and into him impaling myself even further. Ah, fuck that hurt! I sucked in a breath and held it.

“Shh… easy. Take it easy. Just relax. Breathe, Yura. Did it hurt?”

I nodded. “I moved too quickly. Not your fault.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just give me a second.”

“Yeah, just breathe and relax. The more you relax the easier it is.” He pushed a little harder on my chest and the extra weight there helped quiet the earthquake just a bit.

The burning went away again and the tension relaxed out of my body just a little. “Okay, go ahead.”

“Don’t move. Just focus on staying relaxed.”

“I’ll try. I didn’t mean to move before. It was just surprising.” He moved his hands to my legs and pressed them tight to the bed as he slid in even more. Just focus on feeling connected to him. The rest will take care of itself. The condom crinkled softly as he slid in further and the burning stretch came back, but it wasn’t terrible. His fingers pressed deep into my thighs determined to keep me from hurting myself again. His hips pressed against mine and he fell forward to fill my mouth with his tongue. So full. It wasn’t just my ass, every part of me felt full. A deep craving for more had me sucking on his tongue and pulling his lips into mine. “More. I want more, Beka.” I opened my eyes and the soft look on his face filled my heart.

“Of what?” He smiled his adorable smile that he always used when he was teasing me.

“Of you.”

He smiled wider and glanced down before he looked back up into my eyes. “You’re ready for me to start moving?” I nodded and he kissed me again as his hips pulled slowly away from mine. No, that’s not more. That’s less. Oh, fuck. His hips pressed forward again faster than the first time and the deep glide rushed over my nerves. Yes! That’s more. He started thrusting slowly but steadily and it turns out that drunk Yuri was right. It did feel a bit like I was taking a shit. He said this passes though so I closed my eyes and focused on feeling Beka’s hot skin under my hands. He moved his hand to my cock that had hardened again and started stroking it in time with his thrusts, slow twisting grabs at my pleasure. That helped. The shitting feeling went away and the first tingles I felt started again but a whole lot harder. Craving. Yuri didn’t mention this part. Why did I keep wanting more of him? He was already all the way inside me. There was no further he could go. Still… “More, Beka.”

“More of which?”

“I don’t know. Just more. I… need you.” I didn’t really understand what I was saying, but he did apparently. His hips picked up speed until they were smacking against my thighs and whatever this full, craving, tingly feeling was spread out through my body. Oh! Like my chest and the shaking. Just let it go all over. I relaxed into it and the feeling started to spread out and up to my throat where soft moans started leaking out. Really fucking full. How do I still want more?

“Beka. Beka, more please.”

He smiled the sexiest fucking smile as his dark eyes held my gaze and he lifted my hips and put a pillow underneath them then pressed his body over mine and drove deep into me. Like a fucking hand grenade, something exploded in my body and white flashed over my eyes. My body arched off the bed and into him and his hands caught mine as he came down to kiss me. With no way out, the explosion set off by the grenade tore through me until I had to rip away from his kiss to let out growling cries.

“Oh, fuck, Beka! Fuck! Oh, fucking hell that feels… incredible! Holy shit! What are you doing to me?”

“Can’t you tell, suyiktim?” His lips pressed against my neck and his voice growled softly in my ear. “I’m fucking you.” He nipped at my ear as my voice let out nothing but animalistic cries. “You’re so fucking hot. So beautiful like this.” He brought his hand to the side of my head and his fingers tangled in my hair. He gave a little yank to lift my chin and expose my throat to his lips.

“Fuck! More, Beka!” His hips slammed into mine and I clutched at his soaked back, my hands slipping off his slick skin. I wonder if he likes it too. I curled my fingers into claws and raked them gently down his back. He shuddered and let out a gasp and I couldn’t tell if it was from pleasure or from pain.

He dropped his lips to mine. “Harder.” I dug my fingers in again and dragged them down his back. He gasped again and his hips slammed harder into mine. “Yes! Harder! I always thought my ice tiger would have claws.” His lips swallowed our cries once again and I clawed at his back slowly. “Fuck, Yura! That feels so good.”

Everything in my vision was white and blurry with flashes of colors swirling behind. And full. So so fucking full. I felt like I was going to burst. The explosion of the grenade was still going strong and only getting stronger and even though I already felt like I was going to rip apart with the blast the only thing I could say screamed out from my lips. “More! More! Beka! Please! Beka! Oh, god! Fuck! Please, Beka!”

“That’s right. Roar for me, my tiger. Give me everything.” That voice. That perfect, sexy, rumbling, panting voice ripped a hole in my body and let the explosion crash out of me and tear over every inch of skin and deep into every muscle ripping away even the idea of controlling my own body. Piece by piece my body slowly quieted and I lay heaving on the bed with Beka panting and giving me that look that says he loves me. “How are you feeling?”

“Uh… I feel… I… don’t have words.”

“Good?”

I nodded. “Very good. Really good. Insanely fucking good. Holy fuck good.”

Beka laughed. “You have cum on your face. Let me clean it up for you.”

“My face?”

He nodded and ran his tongue up my chest and on the side of my face up to the corner of my mouth. His eyes watched mine as he slowly pulled his tongue back in covered with my cum and swallowed it. Why is that so hot? I grabbed him and pulled his lips to mine, the taste of myself on his tongue was starting to taste kind of good. He definitely made it look appetizing enough.

“I’m going to pull out, okay?”

I nodded even though I hated the idea of losing him even a tiny bit. He slowly slipped out of my body and I didn’t like that at all. I wanted him to stay inside me forever. I guess that wasn’t really an option though unless I wanted forever to be really short. He pulled the condom off and tossed it in the trash then laid on his back to pull me into his arms. I lay draped over his chest feeling like a huge sack of meat jelly. I started laughing making my body jiggle which only made me laugh harder. “What’s so funny, suyiktim?”

“One time when I was skating with Viktor in Russia, he told me to skate like I was a kholodets, a meat jelly thing. I was of course an asshole and told him to fill his own head with meat jelly not mine. It’s kinda been a running joke since then and just now I was thinking that I felt like meat jelly. I don’t know how he’d expect me to skate like this though. I can’t even move. Sorry, I don’t think the humor of it translates well.”

“That’s okay. I like hearing you laugh. Especially now. I’m taking it to mean that you feel good.”

“I feel amazing.” I looked up into his beautiful face, cheeks flushed red and the softest eyes I’ve ever seen on him. He looked so perfect, I had to just stop and stare at him before I could give him the kiss I was planning on. I found the strength to bring my hand to the side of his face and he closed his eyes and turned to press a kiss into it. He looked back at me and I finally dropped my lips to his and kissed him slowly. Always slower. He smiled and put his hands in my hair to hold me tighter before he pulled back gently to watch my face.

“You’re such a good kisser.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. The best. You always take your time. When you want to kiss me harder, you just go deeper, never faster. It feels really good.”

“I got good advice about that once. Not related to kissing, but the way he said it seemed like he was talking about any touch.”

“Yuri or Viktor?”

I laughed. “Viktor. Why, you gonna thank him?”

“Maybe.”

“Did you like it? You can be honest. I know it was my first time so it probably wasn’t very good for you.”

“You are the sexiest man on the planet and I will fight Viktor to the death on that one.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” He brushed the hair out of my face and regripped it in his hands. “You are a wild animal. A tiger. You screamed so loud and your claws… amazing. I’ve always loved that fire in you. You don’t hold back in anything and I admire that so much. I wasn’t expecting you to show me all of that your first time especially with how nervous you were.”

“I didn’t really have much of an option. I had no control over what I was doing. The only thing I did on purpose was the nails on your back.”

He smiled. “Well, you picked the perfect thing. How did you know I liked that?”

“I didn’t really. I made a guess… You ever see Yuri’s back?”

He laughed, a deep throaty chuckle that rippled into my body. “Yeah, I was so fucking jealous. I didn’t realize that you knew what it was from though.”

“They gave me quite an education before you got there. I guess Viktor’s entire lack of a filter came in handy. Hey, so if I’m loud… what about when we’re back home? Am I that loud?”

“Yeah, you’re really loud. I’d hate to make you quiet yourself though.” He smiled and kissed my nose. “Just ask Yuri.” His eyes went serious again. “Are you sure you’re okay? It looked like it really hurt in the beginning.”

“It did, but it was my own dumb fault. I’m okay now. It didn’t hurt at all after.”

“Good. Hmm… I’m debating whether or not more is a good idea with the exhibition tomorrow.”

“More? There’s a possibility for more?”

He grinned and tugged at my hair. “There’s always more. I’m dying to see how that flexibility of yours can be put to use.”

“I didn’t know you could do it more than once at a time.”

“How do you think Viktor brags about going all night so much?”

“I dunno. I was just thinking they take a long time to get to the end.”

He grinned. “That’s an option too, but the end is the best part. I like doing it over and over again.”

“Then what are you waiting for? It’s just an exhibition. Who really cares?”

He rolled me off of him and leaned over, that hunting look back in his eyes. “You’re sure? You’ve got me so turned on, I won’t be able to hold back as much this time.”

“You were holding back?” My eyes went wide thinking of the complete destruction I was only seconds away from before.

“I want to make my tiger roar louder and I know just what he likes to make him do that.”

“You do? I don’t even know what I like.”

He made this little purring sound as his hands tightened over my wrist and my leg. “My tiger likes it rough. He likes when I watch from a distance. He likes being hunted.” My cock jumped, quickly filling and he looked down at it and smirked. He flipped me over onto my stomach and yanked my hips up in the air. “And he loves it when his eagle grabs him in his talons and drags him to places he’s never even seen.”

His fingers slipped back inside me and I pushed back on them. “Fuck, Beka! Now! Take me now!”

“Give me just one second to make sure you’re still ready for me.”

“No!” My voice came out in a throaty growl as that deep craving for more rushed back into me. “I’m ready! You waited long enough. Hurry up and take what’s yours.”

“Fuck, Yura. So hot.” His voice purred over the sound of the condom being rolled on and the lube spilling into his hand. His hand gripped my hair as he started pressing in slowly. The burn went away quickly this time, but he was still going slow.

“Take me, goddamn it. I gave you all of me so take it.” His hand in my hair yanked my head back arching my back as he slammed into me. “Oh, fuck, Beka!”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. That felt so good.”

“You want me? All of me?”

“Yeah. I do. Don’t hold back.”

His voice came right at my ear. “Tell me if I hurt you too much.” Somehow the idea of him hurting me didn’t sound like something I’d want to stop him over. My cock jumped as his hand tightened in my hair even more and the next thing I knew, that blinding, desperate craving for more had me quivering and drooling and screaming on the bed as he thrust into me.

 

Okay, so walking was a little tough. Maybe more than a little tough. I tried to hide it as we walked down to the car together, but Yuri watched me take about three steps coming out of the elevator and smirked. “So, I take it it was good.”

Viktor looked at him, puzzled. “Huh?”

“Shut up, asshole. You shouldn’t even remember that.”

“I remember plenty from early on. Later gets more than a little fuzzy except I had a fucking contract written all over my body this morning to inform me that I was apparently at my best last night. Thanks guys for stopping that one.”

I grinned. “You got passed around like the last bowl of katsudon in all of Japan. Slut.”

Viktor started laughing. “Oh my god. I love the shit this kid comes up with.”

“Probably time to stop calling him a kid.”

“What?!”

“What do you mean what? You let them share a room months ago. I’m shocked it took this long.”

“You mean to tell me my viddle Yurochka’s now a man?!”

I pointed to Viktor. “Do you see now why I come to you for the embarrassing shit?”

“Yeah, fair enough.”

“Though you were just about as bad last night with you shouting condoms all over the place.”

His face went pale and then started to redden. “I did what?”

Viktor and Beka started laughing and used each other for support. “Yeah. Really loud. Lots of people heard. We were talking and you’d randomly just shout, ‘condoms!’ Pretty funny stuff.”

“Oh my god. I thought Viktor had already told me every embarrassing thing I did.”

“Probably not. He thinks everything you do is adorable so he doesn’t even think to tell you half the shit you do.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Well, let’s see if I am. Did he tell you that Beka put on an N’Sync song and you screamed, shoved Viktor away and ran into Minako’s arms where you proceeded to do a thrilling rendition of cheesy boy band dances?”

His face turned even redder, his eyes wide in shock. “I didn’t.”

“Confirmed,” Beka said. “Hilarious shit. You danced all night to the finest of N’Sync, The Backstreet Boys, 98 degrees, Hanson-”

“I get the picture. Just stop talking, please. He told me we danced, but not to what. I assumed it was more Latin dances.”

“Oh, you also were basically in love with me for giving you a mix to breakdance to so you didn’t have to stop dancing to them. You were extremely concerned that you might have to stop.” Beka grinned.

“Shoot me.”

“Funny, I thought the same thing at the last Worlds banquet,” I said. “You were also literally trying to teach us how to have sex on the dance floor.”

Viktor started laughing so hard he was crying while Yuri hung his head in shame.

“You were very proud of being my dancing monkey too.”

“I imitated one, didn’t I?”

“Yep.”

“Awesome.”

“Man, Viktor doesn’t tell you anything. You should watch your own videos.”

“Shh… don’t tell him that. He might stop.” Beka lightly punched my arm.

“Oh, I’m never drinking again.”

“Liar. Drunk Yuri is the best Yuri. On the good side, you danced with me, Minako, and Lilia and did some awesome lifts with us. You fucking flipped me in the air with no warning and I landed it like a jump.”

“That. Was awesome.” Beka grabbed me and gave me a quick kiss.

“What else did I do?”

“Hmm… not much that I know of. You might want to ask around though. You did tell me your secret to your performance yesterday while bragging about how huge Viktor is.”

“What exactly did I tell you?”

“You said that you fucked Viktor in front of millions all over the ice and they didn’t even know it.”

Yuri buried his face in his hands and groaned.

“I assured you that they did.”

“Yep. We did. Instantly.”

Viktor wiped away his tears and straightened himself off of Beka’s shoulder. “My Yuri loves me so so much.”

“Worst. Coach. Ever.”

“Says the man who literally became a fucking legend under his guidance.”

“I’m just teasing him, Yura. Don’t worry. Viktor knows I love him.”

“Yeah he does.” Viktor grinned. “You’ll do anything for me. Even strip naked and fuck me in front of millions. And you did it so beautifully too. Quad axel. I’m so proud of you, Yuri. Viktor Nikiforov will probably fade from memory in a few years’ time, but that performance is immortal.” He had to stop walking to kiss Yuri, slowly draining the red from his face until it just covered his cheeks.

“Okay, enough embarrassing talk about me. How was it, Yura?”

I grinned. “It felt like a fucking quad axel.”

He nodded. “Yeah, it really does. But I’m the only one in the world who would know th-… I fucking told you that, didn’t I?”

“Yep. Demonstrated it and everything. I mean it wasn’t quite a full quad but I got the idea. That was during the speech where you were bragging about how big Viktor is, just to clarify.”

He shook his head as the red came back to his face. “You’re such a little asshole.”

“Well, we all know yours isn’t.”

Viktor started laughing again. “I don’t know if I should be defending him here, or just enjoying the fact that even while drunk I’m still the thing on his mind.”

“Oh, you’re definitely the only thing in his mind. You’re just too big for him to have anything else in there.” I grinned as Yuri walked faster and covered his ears. “Just so, so big!”

Viktor turned away from the mirror, the tails on his black tux flaring out like he was modeling, and smiled. “How do I look?”

I looked him over and straightened the white fluffy tie around his neck and tucked it back into his vest then grabbed the red lotus flower and tucked it into his jacket. “You look like the happiest man on the planet.”

His smile widened. “I am. I really really am.” His arms reached out for me but I stepped away.

“Hey, save it for Yuri. Let him be the one to wrinkle you all up.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek instead. “Still love you.”

“Good thinking. I love you too.” He returned the kiss. “Wow, you are getting taller. I think you’re going to end up as tall as me at least. Come, have a drink with me.” He moved over to a table where a bottle of vodka sat along with two glasses. He cracked the bottle open and poured us the drinks. He handed me mine and we raised our glasses.

“Za zdorovye za lyubov kanpai!”

He took a sip and closed his eyes. “Sweetest vodka I’ve ever had.”

“Yeah it is good.”

“You know this is the first bottle Yakov gave me.”

“Yeah why does he keep giving you vodka at the banquets?”

“Because of you.”

“Me? Why?”

“At last year’s Worlds banquet I made a bet with him. I was telling him how I can throw the worst at Yuri and he comes back with it shining like gold and that if he ever needs something fixed to ask him. He asked if I thought he could fix you. I said I didn’t know, but I’d put a lifetime supply of vodka on it that he could. He was so mad when he gave me this one. I’d stolen his best student and I got to enjoy having him around being sweet as can be. He was so insanely proud of you though just like we all are. Words can’t express how grateful I am to have you in my life like this. When I met Yuri, I thanked him for giving me back the love of my brother. He reminded me what it felt like to have someone care about me. The real me. You give me back the love of a brother in a much more literal way. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being my brother.”

“You made a bet on me? I think I should be mad about that, but I guess I’m not. I’m just happy I have a brother too. So thanks for dragging my ass to Japan. Best thing you’ve ever done for me.” I knocked back the rest of my drink. “You ready to do this?”

He finished his drink and set the glass on the table. “Yeah. So ready.”

“No cold feet?”

“Absolutely none. I’m marrying the man of my dreams with my brother by my side. Life doesn’t get better than this.”

“What about when you see your babies taking their first steps? Or when you wake up after ten years of marriage looking not quite like you do now, but he still looks at you the same as ever? Or when-”

“Stop. You’re going to make me cry and then I’ll be all red and puffy.”

“Oh, yeah. Can’t have that. Might as well enjoy that model’s face while it lasts.” I punched his arm.

He straightened my tie then shoved me out the door. “Get going, punk.”

We made our way down the stone path lined with blazing red trees where we joined Chris waiting for us in his black suit and red tie just like mine. He threw his arms out to Viktor, but I blocked him. “Hey, no wrinkling him. That’s Yuri’s job.”

Chris laughed and Viktor grabbed his shoulders to plant a kiss on his cheek which Chris returned. “You’re quite protective of their relationship. It’s so sweet, mon Cherie.”

“Yeah, well, I owe them a lot.” We exchanged kisses to the cheek and got in line with Chris ahead of me. The crisp autumn air breezed in and cooled the nervous heat that was building in my body. Why was I nervous? I wasn’t the one getting married. Kaori and Axel came prancing up to us carrying their baskets full of red lotus petals and their red dresses floating around them. The first few notes of a duet between a piano and a violin composed by one of the old Russian dudes started playing and Kaori and Axel started forward tossing their petals over the path. A minute later, Lutz and Loop came in from Yuri’s side just out of view and emptied the last of their petals then ran to join their parents after Viktor gave them both little trinkets for their service. Chris started forward and I waited until I saw him disappear from view. I looked back at Viktor and smiled. “I’ll see you up there. Don’t forget you have somewhere important to be and wander off or something.”

“As if I could ever forget anything having to do with Yuri.”

I followed Chris’s path until I reached him and Beka waiting just in front of a tall red gate wearing a white suit and a red tie. Oh he looked so good in that. He smiled at me with a look on his face that was… indescribable. Was my eagle seeing into the distance? Phichit arrived just a second after I did looking nearly as happy as Viktor. Sara waved to him from the audience and he blew her a kiss. Yuri came toward us in a white tuxedo with a black vest and tie and the same red lotus tucked into his pocket as Viktor had. I knew the second Viktor came into view behind me because Yuri burst into tears and froze with his hand over his mouth before he forced himself forward again. Phichit handed him a handkerchief as soon as he was close enough and I fished mine out for Viktor knowing already that his face was ruined. I handed it to him and then took the gross thing back and stuck it in my pocket then patted his back to keep him moving toward Yuri. I was shocked they weren’t running for each other, but I guess they were too stunned to function right now. They met in the middle and joined hands still sniffing back their tears. They decided not to have any sort of priest or formal ceremonies so instead of listening to some old guy rambling they got right to the reason they were there as the song drifted away. They’d both spent months writing and reciting their vows trying to get them memorized so they could look at each other instead of a piece of paper and leave the reading of the vows to the audience that had them translated so everyone could understand. I’d heard both of theirs a thousand times as they practiced on me and Beka but the second Viktor said his first word I had to fish my handkerchief out of my pocket too.

“Yuri. It is impossible to put down in words what you mean to me and what I am willing to give you. The simple answer is everything, but one word isn’t good enough for you. Because you deserve everything from me I will do my best knowing I’ll still come up short. I know that my attempt, imperfect though it may be, is what makes this matter.

I met you at my lowest. It wasn’t the day with the worst pain, but it was the one where I failed the hardest. If you gathered up every single failure in my life and pressed them together it still wouldn’t equal how low I felt going into that closet. I had failed at the goal I set for myself sixteen years prior and had dedicated my entire life to achieving. It wasn’t my only chance to reach it, but I couldn’t even picture trying again until one tiny scrape across the concrete scraped away the darkness and brought you into my life. Your one tiny failure to keep silent was the spark that led to you pulling me out of a failure I’d never recover from. In the darkness, between my biggest failure and your tiniest and all of the sadness in our hearts, our love grew and cracked open at the first light spilling all over our world with the most vibrant and purest beauty.

Since then you have proven your love for me over and over again. So many things, Yuri, that you have done for me over the last two years. From big things to little things, I never go a single day without you proving your love in one way or another. I know I’m not easy to love. I ask you to do the impossible simply because you love me, but you do it. You reach the impossible for me. I can say with absolute certainty that no one on this planet has done what you have to prove their love. In the face of your overwhelming love for me I’m tasked with the challenge to give you back even half of what you give me.

So how can I prove my love for you? The truth is, I can’t. Not like you have for me. I can’t pull off a quad axel or improvise an entire routine again and again smashing world records along the way. I can’t win gold in every one any more. I can’t win dance offs or talk sense into angry, fifteen-year-old punks. I can’t even say I can stop asking you to prove yourself since I can’t prove myself to you, but, Yuri, you’ve never asked me for anything other than to stand by your side and give myself to you to hold onto forever. It’s completely unfair that I should have it so easy compared to you. Standing by your side is nothing but a blessing. It’s a treasure and the source of my greatest pride. It’s comfort and love and passion. It’s safety and happiness and life. It’s so completely unfair that the only thing I can do for you is give you the only thing you have asked for but, Yuri, it’s all I can do.

I swear to you that for the rest of my life I will walk by your side down any path and take every single step doing anything I can to bring you as much joy and love by my side as I have found at yours. I’ll never be sorry for a single second spent with you. Every second with you holds as much value to me as all the gold in the world. I would do anything, give anything, for a single second of your love, but how lucky am I that the only thing you want as payment for a lifetime of your love is the easiest thing in the world to give. A lifetime of my love. I love you, Yuri, and I promise to love you and care for you for the rest of my life. It’s the least I can give you.”

I handed him the gold band given interest by enduring hammering blows and he slipped it on Yuri’s finger in front of the shiny gold band he wore.

“Viktor… I don’t have much to say besides that name. Your name. Your name has sustained me for thirteen years now. It’s given me hope and inspiration. It’s been a call from the heavens to reach for my dreams and surpass myself. It’s been the guide for my journey. It was whispered to me in the dark every night for eleven years luring me to the spot I needed to be where my every wish would come true. When I first heard it spoken out loud in the dark, my heart stopped. It recognized you, but my mind refused to believe it. It was just too impossible that the man I chased for as long as I can remember would be within my reach, but from that first gasp you brought the impossible into reality. You grew the voice in my heart that knew the truth. The impossible is in fact possible when you are by my side. After I first kissed you and felt the first touch of your love, that voice started gaining volume. I began to hear it over the clamoring in my mind screaming that such absurdities just can’t happen. Every time I spoke your name, it got louder and louder and every hope within me started screaming after finally being given a voice. When you confessed who you were there was no shock because somehow you had made the impossible dreams I held so much more believable than the dark reality stuck in my mind. That’s what you have always done for me. You give voice to my dreams and make them grow into my reality.

I know you believe that you ask too much of me and sometimes my mind believes that too, but my heart says that you don’t ask enough. It dreams big and your love is its fuel. I carry a battle along with me every day. Both my body and my mind are set against what my heart wants, but your love is exactly what I need for my heart to win. When you push me and challenge me, you are only challenging my enemies and freeing my heart and my soul to soar high enough to grasp my wildest dreams. You’ve known right from the start what I needed and you give that to me so selflessly. I see it, Viktor, that sometimes you’re still afraid to push because you feel like you’ve already asked too much and the cracks in your heart beg you to retreat to safety, but you do it anyway. You risk losing the love that means so much to you because you want to see me achieve everything I’ve ever dreamed. How incredibly selfless is that? You risk everything just to see me happy. So, I’m taking this chance to speak from my heart instead of my mind. Push as hard as you want because the only thing you are pushing is my enemies. We are on the same side. I want what you want. My dreams are your dreams. Your voice is my voice. Help me push away my enemies and let me be heard.

My love is yours, Viktor. It will never be taken from you. I gave it to you a lifetime ago and I don’t want it back. I love the way it looks in your eyes. I love the way it shapes your mouth. I love the way it makes your heart shine bright. I love the way it sounds in your voice. I love the way it feels in your arms. I love the way it tastes on your lips. Keep it. What am I going to do with it? I have yours to hold.

I don’t know what promises to make that we don’t already make with every look we give each other, but I’ll say them here so there is no doubt in you or anyone here today what I mean with every smile I give you. Viktor, I swear to you that my love is yours forever. I swear that I will protect you the best that I can. I swear that I will make every effort to keep your beautiful smile on your face. I swear that you will always have my hand to hold and my arms to turn to when the world gets too rough. I swear that your kiss is the only one that I want for the rest of my life. I swear that my side will always be your home and I swear that I will always take care of you. Viktor, I make these promises to you on my life and for the rest of my life.”

He slipped the matching band handed to him by Phichit onto Viktor’s finger then brought his hand to his mouth to kiss it. Viktor smiled then brought Yuri’s shaking hand to his mouth to kiss his ring as well then dropped one of his hands to reach behind his head and pull him closer. They stared at each other, giving their looks of love for as long as they could resist kissing which really wasn’t all that long. We waited out their kiss and the audience’s standing ovation then the entire skating family which was quickly gaining size and volume all gave their wishes of luck at the top of their lungs. “Davai, Vitya and Yuri!” They jumped in surprise then laughed and kissed again returning our thumbs up.

I took a step forward and started in with my cultural lesson to the Russians present on how to visit the shrine that stood just beyond the red gate and make their wishes for the happiness of the couple then repeated it in English and in bad Japanese without the cultural lesson. Kaori decided my Japanese was too lacking and remade the announcement in her fluent tongue then ran over to join me and Beka as we followed Viktor and Yuri into the shrine. We waited with our clean hands and shoes off for them to finish then we all stepped forward together to make our wishes. I handed Kaori a coin to drop in for her offering and we bowed twice, made our wishes, clapped twice and bowed again. So much better than those insanely long and boring church ceremonies Grandpa dragged me to when I was little. We followed Kaori to the little wooden plaques meant for writing wishes. I guess we didn’t need to do both, but it wouldn’t hurt any. She spent a few minutes looking over the options as they had several different artworks on the front. I spotted a tiger so my decision only took seconds. Beka smiled and grabbed the same one and I dropped the payment into the box and we started writing. She joined us a minute later with a heart shaped one and started writing in impressive calligraphy on the back. I wrote in my scribbled Russian, “Please bless Viktor and Yuri with a lifetime of love as strong and fierce as the tiger.” Beka looked over my shoulder and smiled then grabbed it to hang it up with his and Kaori’s. Viktor’s parents came over to look at the plaques and his mom froze when she looked in my face.

“Alexei.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “Vadim.” She tugged at his arm, her eyes still locked on mine, both of us unable to break free of the moment. “It’s Alexei.” He turned to look at me and his face froze with the same expression as hers. I guess I really did look like him. Shit. What do I do now? A wave of protective anger hit when I realized that these were the people who were responsible for a lifetime of suffering for Viktor. The urge to tell them to go to hell hit me, but they wouldn’t hear me saying it, they’d hear their dead son and that was just too cruel. I’d already scarred Viktor like that. I didn’t need to add to my victims. Still… they deserved some truth.

“You hurt my brother. You withheld your love and wounded him with cruel words he didn’t deserve. He is brilliant. Not the way some people casually throw the word around. I mean truly brilliant. And he uses that brilliance to make others shine even ahead of himself. He is selfless. He gives so much without batting an eye. He offers help to those he doesn’t even know just because he wants to stop their suffering. He endured five years of torture at the hands of one angry little boy just to protect him and drag him along into a better life and a better version of himself. He loves so deeply, he makes people who truly know him smile when he walks in a room because they feel his love pour off of him and right into their hearts.

You didn’t know my brother at all and you hurt him because of your ignorance. But you’re not the only ones. I did the same. I was the angry boy who tortured him. Imagine my eyes staring at you with hatred as I told you to get away from me, get off of me, I never want to speak to you again, I don’t want to spend another second with you. Imagine my eyes rejecting you at every step for five years and then laughing at your pain. He never let go just because he wanted to see me happy and I owe him everything good in my life. I just thought you should know exactly who your son and my brother is.”

Beka, Kaori and I started walking away, but I stopped when I heard a quiet voice. “Who are you?”

I looked back. “I thought I told you. I’m Viktor’s brother.”

We turned around the corner of the shrine and I was accosted by Yuri and his arms.

“That is the way it’s done.”

“Gentler than I thought.”

“When the truth is on your side, you don’t have to scream. When you hold back the anger you let your message be heard.”

“Now I know that one isn’t from personal experience. You never scream, wise Yuri.”

“No, we all know you’re the screamer.” Viktor grinned and punched my arm.

“Shut up.” I gave Yuri a kiss on the cheek. “Congratulations. You are both beautiful people who deserve a thousand lifetimes of happiness.” I moved over to Viktor and finally gave him that hug he’d wanted to give me. He made up for the delay by crushing me harder than usual. It’s a really good thing I was starting to get some size. He might have broken me last year. “Congratulations, brother. I love you and I’ll always be here cheering you and Yuri on.”

“I thought I said not to make me red and puffy.”

“Yeah, Yuri already ruined that. You’ve never looked more beautiful though.”

“I completely agree, Yura.” Yuri looked over from Beka’s hug and smiled at Viktor. Kaori gave her hugs and congratulations too and we all walked down the side of the path together to wait for the rest of the attendees to pray to the gods and come congratulate Yuri and Viktor. Apparently, that also involved a lot of hugging for Yuri and Viktor’s family as well. Viktor had forgiven his parents somewhat, but apparently not enough to have them stand next to him so he chose me instead. At least Yuri’s more traditional relatives bowed instead. I liked the whole bowing thing a lot better. Hugging strangers was not my thing. I got more hugs from his relatives than I was expecting though. I guess they were adapting to Viktor and decided to hug me too. There were also a lot more people than I was expecting. I didn’t realize that most of his family lived up north in Hokkaido where they decided to have the ceremony to escape the heat down south and catch the fall colors before our season started. It felt like forever that we waited for everyone to finish but I did my best to keep my smile on for all of the pictures. Viktor’s parents hesitated when they approached me but I offered my arms and they both hugged me tighter than anyone else except Viktor. Hey, Yuri. I figured out how to be Viktor’s dead brother and that was easy because we both love him, but how do I be their dead son when I hate them for what they did? Any advice? Nope. ‘Cause you feel the same without having to look like him too.

“We’re sorry.” Vadim crunched me tighter with his arm that wasn’t also around his wife. “We were awful to him. We didn’t understand him to start with and after… we only had pain to offer. You’re right that we had no idea who he is. We’re trying though. We’re learning and we see now what we missed his entire life thanks to Yuri and now to you. I don’t know exactly who you are, but I know who you were speaking for. Can I speak back to him?”

“Okay.”

“Vitya was right. You always saw the most important things. You never let anything as frivolous as a misspoken word distract from the message. You looked deep to find the meaning behind everything so it was easy for you to see how much Vitya loved you and how much he put into everything he did. We’re so sorry we didn’t see the same and that we hurt the person you loved the most. We’re so sorry it was you that he lost and he was left with nothing but our pain. We don’t know how to make it up to him, but we do want to try.”

“What do you mean you don’t know how to make it up to him? Don’t you know what he wants? He just wants you to love him and to accept his love in return. You don’t have to do anything else. Just decide to love him and do it. Just a warning though, his love is really heavy. You have to be strong enough to hold it all.”

“Thank you.” His mom kissed my cheek. “Thank you. Thank you. May God bless you for every one of your days.”

“Also, Vitya doesn’t often misspeak his messages. You just have to think about them sometimes. If you do, you learn the brilliance found inside hopping fish and meat jelly and clear ice. Clear your ice and draw him something beautiful on it.”

“Who are you really? I want to thank you properly for letting us see our son again,” Vadim said.

“Yuri Plisetsky but most people call me Yura.”

They pulled back to look at me. “You’re Yuri Plisetsky? He told us to watch you too but we never really liked skating so we only watched him and Yuri. Oh my god. We did it again. We ignored what he was trying to tell us. We looked at you and saw…”

“A punk asshole?”

He nodded.

“Yeah, that’s me. But thanks to Vitya and a lot of other people too that’s not all I am anymore. I’m still not anything like Alexei though. Sorry. I only look like him.”

“No. You are. So much like him,” his mom said. “We’re sorry we didn’t listen again. We forget that he sees things deeper than we do. He sees like Lyosha did.”

“You want the key to understanding him? He loves surprising people. He won’t spell out answers for you. He guides you in the right direction and then lets you discover the answer for yourself. And why should he spell it out for you when you can’t even give him enough credit to watch four minutes of skating to see why he’s telling you to do it? He already gives you way more than you deserve. Try reaching out a little too, huh? But today’s not about you and your relationship with him. It’s about him and Yuri. Give them your congratulations and worry about your relationship another day.” His mom glanced over at Yuri and I recognized the look in her eyes. “Scared of Yuri, huh?”

She jerked back then nodded slightly.

“For good reason. You messed with Viktor. He’s more forgiving than he thinks though. All he wants to see is Viktor happy so as long as you’re giving him that, I think he’ll forgive you one day. He forgave me and I was almost as bad as you.”

“What about you?” she asked. “Will you forgive us one day?”

“Are you asking Yura or Alexei?”

“Both.”

“I don’t know. We’ll see. You’ve still got a lot to learn.”

“Thank you, Yura. We’re so glad Viktor has his brother again.” They let me go and moved to Viktor next to me who had been watching us in between receiving his congratulations from the people who skipped the blockage we had created.

“You’ve met Yura I see. He’s quite special, isn’t he?”

“He told us we didn’t even give you enough credit to watch four minutes of skating. He’s right.”

“Hey, assholes, what else did I say? Timing. Learn it.” Yuri jerked in a quick laugh and tried to silence it before anyone else noticed. “Say congratulations and save the rest for later.” They stared at me with stunned faces. “What’s that look for? I told you I’m not Alexei. I’m a punk asshole just as you saw. I just know how to control it now. Mostly. Go on.” I waved my hand at them and they slowly looked back and gave Viktor a hug then even slower moved over to Yuri who accepted their hugs and congratulations with a forced smile.

After what felt like hours, we finally finished with everyone and got to move on to the joy of posing for pictures for another chunk of endless time. At least I got to hang out with Beka and Kaori more and the pictures were certain to turn out awesome with the fiery autumn colors as the backdrop and us all dressed up. Yuri and Viktor looked amazing of course. Like the happiest people on the planet. The photographer summoned me over for a picture with Yuri. We put our arms around each other and we posed nicely then the photographer kept taking candids as we talked.

“So, as your… hmm… what am I to you? Your coach obviously, but that’s not the right thing I’m trying to say here… I guess we’re brothers in law now, huh?”

“Yeah, brothers work. I think of you more like a dad though. Maybe the extra responsible older brother?”

“Sure. That works. I’m too young to be your dad.” He stuck his tongue out at me.

“Yeah, well you act like one.”

“One of us has to be the mature one. Anyway, as your somewhat responsible older brother, I do not approve of you calling them assholes. However, as the person who has been holding back hatred for them for the past two years… Thank you. I’ve been dying to call them that and much worse. Please don’t. We’re trying to mend things not make it harder. But still… I loved you so much for saying that.”

“Hey, Yuri. I love you too. Thanks for everything you’ve ever done for me and thank you for helping my brother get back up when I and everyone else left him lying on the ice. You and Viktor deserve nothing but happiness.”

Tears sprang up in his eyes. “Yurochka.” His arms pulled me in just about as tight as Viktor does. “You’ve grown into an amazing young man. We love you so much and we’re so happy to have you in our family. You’ll always have a home with us.”

After about a thousand more pictures in front of foggy lakes, waterfalls, mountains, and blazing trees, we finally got in the cars and went to the hall where the reception was going to be held with Kaori snuggled between me and Beka. She’d been a bit quieter lately and I’d only figured out a few days ago it was because the first anniversary of her mom’s death was only about a week away. I tried giving her more hugs than usual but other than that, I had no idea how to help her deal with it. Viktor had told me to just stay close to her and show her lots of love so that’s what I was trying to do, but it didn’t feel like enough. It feels so helpless to watch someone you love suffer with nothing that can be done to stop it. And knowing that this time would be painful for her for the rest of her life made it worse. Viktor had said it gets a little easier with time, but never anything close to easy.

Her dad had been fairly useless throughout her mom’s illness in supporting her not having the strength to deal with his pain as well as his children’s and it only got worse after she died. It was crazy that I had actually adopted this girl when I was fifteen, but I’d been her main support since I met her and a few months ago, she had officially moved in with us into Yuri’s old bedroom still covered with pictures of Viktor and now pictures of me that she added and Beka enthusiastically helped her put up as well as pictures of Beka and Yuri which Yuri found particularly disturbing to be included in his Viktor shrine. The excuse was to make it easier for her training but her dad and brother seemed happy to be relieved of the burden of caring for her. After carrying a burden as heavy as my mom for most of my life, Kaori felt like no weight at all so I didn’t mind in the least. Her mom must have known that her husband couldn’t give her what she needed and her relief when some teenage punk promised he would was both a source of pride and doubt. Did she actually think I’d be good enough for her or was I just better than nothing? She had a big family now to love her and support her, but she still chose me for just about anything she needed. I guess that was my answer. She came to me like I went to Viktor and Yuri and they were more than enough.

What a weird, mushed up family we had. So many cultures and languages especially with the addition of Phichit and Sara, the only two Yuri was willing to uphold the drunken contract with. Phichit because he was his best friend and Sara because despite his grumbling protests he had a heart as big as Viktor’s and couldn’t stand not helping someone if he was capable of it. It was weird having a girl among all of us guys, but she seemed happy and she and Mari got along great and the fact that Kaori could speak Italian with her seemed to delight her to no end. There were so few official names for our relationships outside of Yuri and his immediate family. Even Yuri and Viktor couldn’t say they were legally spouses thanks to stupid people who don’t know what love is but none of that mattered. For the most part Hiroko and Toshiya were mom and dad even though they were more like grandparents. Mari was big sister to everyone. Yuri and Viktor were big brother or coach even though they were the real parents in the house. Phichit and Sara were big brother and sister to Kaori, Beka, and me. Beka to me was my boyfriend, but usually just my Beka or my soul. And Kaori was everyone else’s little sister, but to me she was my student even though really, she was my daughter. Weird, messed up, confusing, chaotic, loud, and perfect. Viktor was right. No one was ever going to retire if retiring meant leaving this family.

We pulled up to the hall where the reception was being held in a fancy hotel. I gave Kaori a piggyback ride in and up the elevator and to our spots next to Viktor and Yuri. She had her head rested on my shoulder the whole way, a sure sign that she was hurting. I put her down and she gave Yuri and Viktor more hugs. I leaned over to Beka to whisper in his ear. “I know Kaori was supposed to sleep with Mari in her room tonight, but is it okay with you if I offer to let her sleep with us? She’s really upset about her mom right now. I can make up the missed sex any way you want later.” I nipped his ear and kissed his neck before pulling away.

He turned to me with another one of his subtle expressions that revealed very little of what he was thinking, but was easy to see that whatever it was, it was deeply felt. “You’re no fair. You’re not supposed to flood me with sweetness and then make me mad with desire the second later. It’s too much for my body to handle.”

“I’m not sure what that answer means.”

“Qizimiz needs us. Of course it’s okay. I’ll just have you make it up to me sooner rather than later.” His voice growled low at the end and heat surged through my body at the same time as my heart lurched. Okay yeah, that’s confusing and overwhelming. Qizimiz?

“Did you just say… our daughter?”

He blushed and looked away. “Sorry. It just kind of slipped out. I was hoping your Kazakh wasn’t strong enough yet to understand it.”

“You think of her as our daughter?”

His face was redder than ever but he looked back at me. “Yeah I do. I chose you a long time ago and I’m just waiting until we’ve reached some unknown age to make it official. I’m not sure how long I have to wait but I’m guessing that sixteen is still a bit young to agree to spending forever with me.”

My heart went wild in my chest and I felt sick in the way that a thousand of his kisses would make me. “Four was a bit young to decide what I wanted to do with my life. Seven was a bit young to say goodbye to the one adult in my life and take over the responsibilities of a home and a pathetic mother. Ten was a bit young to fall in love and suffer my first heartbreak. Fifteen was a bit young to take responsibility for a child and rediscover the love of my life. Sixteen is a bit young to have my career firmly established with a plan for retirement already set… Why would it be too young to agree to keep doing the best thing I’ve ever done in my life? I didn’t misunderstand Viktor when I stood in front of you. I wanted you to choose me. I had already chosen you. I just didn’t know that involved kissing.”

He laughed and grabbed my head to pull me in to a kiss, his eyes wavering with tears. “Are you saying you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“I was going to propose though. I was going to do it right.”

“If it’s you, zhanym, it’s right.”

“Suyiktim. You make me so happy. I love you so much, Yurayim.” His hands still gripped the back of my head and he fought back tears. “You’re sure? You don’t want to experience life more before you decide? Maybe even date other people? You’ve only had me. If you wanted to experience other options, I’d wait for you. Maybe that sounds pathetic, but it’s true. I don’t want to make you miss out on anything.”

“Zhanym, don’t be an idiot. I don’t even like most other people. I want you. That’s it. I have everything I want, why would I give that up for anything? I’ve had so much shit in my life now that my eyes are up I know what the good stuff looks like. And you look perfect to me.”

“You’re really sure? You’ll marry me?” The sun was dropping down behind the mountains that surrounded the city and poured warm light into the room. The amber in his eyes lit up against the near black background and they came alive in a way I’d never seen.

“Yes, I’m sure, you idiot. Of course I’ll marry you.”

“Yura.” The amber sparkled in his eyes and his hands trembled as they rested on my face and held me through his kiss. I grabbed his jacket at his waist and used it to pull us closer.

“We can wait a few years first, right? Grandpa might have a heart attack if I told him I was getting married at sixteen.”

“Of course. We can wait as long as you want. My family would be happier with us waiting a bit longer too. I love you so much, suyiktim. Like crazy amounts of love.”

“I know.” I grabbed his head and tugged his lips to mine. “Same here. Crazy in love with you.” I pulled back from his kiss and snuggled into his arm.

Yuri looked over at me from around Kaori on his lap with a smile. “You guys have an announcement to make?”

“What?! You couldn’t possibly know! You don’t even have your glasses on! You can’t even see us!”

“I’m wearing contacts, idiot. I didn’t want to miss a single detail of my husband’s beautiful face today. And am I wrong?”

“You are wrong. We don’t have any announcements to make today that aren’t about you and Viktor.”

Viktor looked at us then over at Yuri confused. “Yuri, what are you talking about?”

“Can I answer him?”

“He’s your husband. You’re asking for permission to talk to him?”

“No I’m asking for permission to tell him your news. Or why don’t you tell him? We don’t mind.”

“Fine, but no one else knows today. You got that, Kaori?”

She nodded.

“Beka and I just got engaged.”

“What?!” Viktor launched himself at us, his shock not slowing his hug down at all. His arms wrapped both of us tight and crushed us together. “How?!”

“Um, it was kind of an accident?”

“How the hell do you accidentally get engaged?!”

“Uh, well he kind of accidentally called Kaori our daughter and then he said he really did think of her that way and was just waiting until I was old enough to propose and I said that I was young for everything in my life and why would I wait when I already knew what I wanted. And then, yeah. So we’re waiting a few years to get married, but we know what we want. And your Yuri is freakin’ creepy, man. How did you know?”

“The look on Beka’s face. Same one Viktor had. A little subtler but still the same. Congratulations, you two. I know you’re going to be as happy as Viktor and I are.”

“Really? No Yuri stuff lecture on how we’re way too young?”

“Without the anger you are amazingly mature for sixteen and Beka is as well. You’ve been in love since you were children just one of you didn’t always know it.” He grinned at Viktor and gave him a kiss. “If you say that you know Beka is the one for you then I believe you. And I know how Beka feels about you. I’m painfully aware of what he went through. Only in his case he wasn’t totally irrational. He at least loved someone who he actually knew.”

Viktor finally let us go and Kaori hopped off of Yuri’s lap and came over to climb into mine and give us both hugs. “You knew exactly who I was. You just figure everyone out so easily you didn’t even have to meet me. You were the only person in the world to see my failed performance and see what I was trying to say.” He gave Yuri a kiss and brushed his hand over his cheek before turning back to us. “Congratulations, little brothers. I’m so happy for you. Finding what you want most in life and holding on to it with everything you have is all we can ask for. You’re lucky to have found it so early.”

“Thanks, you guys. Hey, Kaori, you want to sleep with us tonight? I can give you one really long hug then while you sleep.”

“Can I really?”

“Yeah. We want you to.”

Her face wrinkled a bit. “Do you really think of me as your daughter?”

“Yeah I really do. So does Beka.”

The slow light brightened on her face that always showed she was truly, deeply excited. “Really? You love me that much?”

“Of course we do. You can even ask Viktor. I asked him if I could adopt you the first day I met you.”

“It’s true. I asked him if he was ready to be a dad at fifteen. He said, ‘I guess not’ but he looked disappointed by that answer. I think he wanted to say yes.”

“I totally wanted to say yes. I was even wondering what kind of jail time I’d get if I tried to take you back to Russia with me. I’m so happy that I got to stay and that you live with us now.”

“I’m happy too. I like Coach Yuri’s house a lot better than my old one. It’s always so warm and happy. I like being your daughter.” She threw her arms around both me and Beka as best she could. “Thank you for being my dads. I love you both so much. And I love Coach Yuri and Coach Viktor too. And everyone else in our family too. It’s a really great family.”

“I couldn’t agree more, kotyonok.”

Someone made an announcement for dinner and everyone found their seats. Phichit and Sara and Chris and his boyfriend joined us on Yuri’s free side. Kaori bounced off my lap and took her spot in between me and Beka looking much better than she had a few minutes ago. Servers started wheeling out trays of food and setting in front of us dish after dish of the best food can be all arranged into art. Every dish was matched to its own wine and Viktor had obviously spared no expense in creating the feast. The food started with the lighter Japanese dishes: sushi, miso, a simple bowl of the best rice I’ve ever had. How did they do that? It’s rice. It shouldn’t be able to be that much better but it was. And the sake along with it was delicious. Fresh fish and crab that was incredible. Beka helped Kaori crack her crab open and the little smile while he did it was so fucking cute. The best steak ever. I mean ever. I could have died happy right then and there. Some type of curried soup followed filled with fresh vegetables that was also amazing but honestly I just wanted more steak. And, of course, katsudon. Yuri’s eyes lit up when he saw it and Viktor gave him a warm smile and a kiss. It was a smaller portion than usual so we could fit the rest of the food too but Yuri had no idea that katsudon would be on the menu with Viktor insisting that he get to be in charge of it so he was delighted. It tasted exactly like his mom’s too. I bet Viktor had gotten her to give them her top secret recipe. The switch to the Russian dishes was marked by the vodka the server put down in front of me. Vodka wasn’t bad when it was the good stuff but apparently I’m not a very good Russian and prefer the sake and wine. At least this was the top shelf stuff so it was more than drinkable.

The server put down a new plate in front of me and I started laughing. A meat jelly fish. Fucking kholodets shaped like a fish and jumping out of vegetables arranged to look like water. Viktor looked at me and started laughing too which sparked a vicious cycle of us both laughing harder until tears started down our faces. Some of the other people started giggling too at the fact that it was a fish and that a couple of weirdos found it hilarious.

Vitya grabbed the back of my neck with both hands and kept trying to tell me something focusing hard on my face only inches away but that only made it harder to talk through the laughter. He sucked in some air trying to calm himself enough to talk. “Time to fill your head with meat jelly, Yurochka. Don’t let me be the only one with kholodets for brains.”

I stabbed my fork into the fish and took a big bite then nearly killed myself choking on it when I started laughing again. “Meat jelly fish. You are insane. Brilliant, but insane.”

“Love you too, little brother. If you like this you’ll love what’s next.” We giggled our way through the rest of the fish with most everyone wondering what the hell was wrong with us. Everyone except our little skating family who was already well aware of what was wrong with us.

The servers brought out a sheet of ice perched over a bowl. With ice skates. Little tiny ice skates. With real blades on the bottom. Viktor stood up and grabbed a mic. “This course requires a bit of coaching. Don’t worry though, the lesson is easy. Just draw something beautiful for someone you love on the ice and then break through the ice and see what comfort and delight awaits past the pristine shell. Don’t think too hard about it though or you might miss your chance to experience the best it can be.”

He repeated his message in Russian and Japanese then sat down and drew one name. Yuri. The most beautiful thing he could think of. Yuri wrote ‘forever’ in a swirling script with little flourishes around it. Kaori drew a heart with a tiger’s face and an eagle’s wings branching off the sides. Beka wrote ‘yeah, I am.’ I kissed him over Kaori’s head then slipped the ice skate over my finger and pressing the skate into the ice and leaning from edge to edge I wrote ‘family’. Viktor looked over my shoulder and grinned then I showed Beka and Kaori and gave them both a kiss and broke the ice. It crumbled into crisp shards that quickly melted at the touch of the hot food inside. I thought the ice was just water, but it was a thin sauce that combined perfectly with the stuff inside. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it had mushrooms and beef tasted like comfort with the cold sauce giving it depth and interest. People all over the room were smiling and laughing and kissing and Viktor looked so damn pleased with himself. For good reason. The world needs at least some insane people like him to lift us out of the same things we always do. More food kept coming and I think Viktor was trying to kill us at this point. That or it was just his inability to know what the fuck a limit was. Kaori called it quits for the most part and just nibbled at everything else while she slumped on Beka’s side for support. Even Yuri looked like he was going to die and pretty much did the same as Kaori leaning on Viktor tucked under his arm. I think my stomach had grown about ten sizes but the food was so good I couldn’t stop. Finally it ended. Most likely by the chef who started crying as Viktor listed yet another dish. Yeah that’s definitely how it went down. The plates were cleared and champagne was placed out in front of us because we all needed more alcohol. Obviously. Still, way too much was kind of amazing.

Grandpa shouted gorko and the rest of the Russians joined in. Yuri looked confused but Viktor grabbed him and kissed him deeply and the Russians started counting. Guys, seriously? Do you not know how long Viktor can kiss Yuri? We’ll be here all fucking night. Don’t challenge him. The idea was to sweeten the alcohol and the longer the kiss the sweeter it was. The Japanese in attendance looked horribly confused especially with the very lengthy public display of affection. Well except those who’d already been around Viktor long enough. Eh, whatever. I started counting with them jumping in at twenty and we reached fifty before Viktor pulled back and left Yuri looking dazed. We cheered loudly, because drunk Russians, and lifted our glasses to them. Yuri’s side of the family started in with short toasts wishing them well and I understood a lot more than I was expecting to. My Japanese was almost something I could use to talk with. Probably a good idea to speak the language of the place I never wanted to leave again. And I’d been trying to learn Kazakh so I could impress Beka’s family. I was kinda proud of myself for speaking so many languages. Kaori had beaten me in that contest though. Her mom had spoken all sorts of languages and after adding in the Russian I was teaching her and the Kazakh she was already better than me at she could communicate in seven different languages. Insanely smart little girl and very useful for someone who will one day tour the world. Her brother joined us sometimes for Russian and Kazakh lessons so he could visit with Kaori and we were happy we at least had something to offer him as well.

The speeches moved on to Yuri’s parents and sister which were all sweet and then to Viktor’s parents who actually did a decent job of paying their respects and well wishes and giving Viktor his well-deserved praise for everything he has accomplished. Took them long enough. Chris and Beka went next and Chris’s was surprisingly touching. After a decade spent competing with Viktor he knew him pretty well and shared a bunch of little stories about how amazing Viktor is both on the ice and off it. Beka’s was heartfelt gratitude to both of them for always going above and beyond to help others find happiness and being such a shining example for everyone to look up to. Phichit’s was sweet too and of course he outed just how deeply obsessed Yuri was with Viktor before he knew him with numerous tales of the insane things Yuri did all with the goal of reaching Viktor. Yuri was bright red of course but Viktor was nearly in tears. Correction. Viktor was in tears, deep sobbing tears, by hearing just how much he was loved by Yuri for most of his life. I handed him his gross handkerchief back then stood up and took the mic with shaking hands. My speech was memorized as well and some of the audience flipped to my page so they could understand my words.

“It’s clear to millions what an amazing man Viktor is. At least they think it’s clear. He has talent and charm and good looks and style. These are nice things to admire someone for but Viktor deserves to be admired for so much more than that. He gives the biggest hugs on the planet. I mean back breaking, suffocating, crushing hugs that are so big because of all the love he fills them with. It’s too much for a single body to handle. Except Yuri who seems to handle every bit of love Viktor has to give just fine. For everyone else he has to hold back. He has the brightest smile. I’m not talking about the ones he gives on TV that flash like a thousand lightbulbs. I’m talking about the ones he gives when he’s with his family that are a bit softer and sometimes kind of dorky. He’s a handsome man as everyone can agree, but that smile makes him truly beautiful because it never fails to put a smile back on the face of the one he’s giving it to.

He’s a genius. Did you all know that? I mean he’s been called that with his skating but he always knows exactly what a situation needs to shine the brightest on or off the ice. His joyful personality hides that fact, but there is not a thing that Viktor can touch and not make it a thousand times better than it was. Just look at Yuri. He took a pathetic, Japanese skater who fell way too much and helped him become the finest skater this sport has ever seen. Viktor is obviously amazing on the ice as well but his true talent shows in what he did with Yuri. He pushes everyone around him higher even at the cost of himself. It’s taken twenty-eight years for people to start seeing who this man really is but there were a few along the way who picked up on it sooner than the rest.

Just over a year ago, I was nothing but an angry punk asshole who hurt anyone who tried to come near me. Viktor kept reaching for me no matter how hard I cut him. No one but him and Yuri will ever know exactly what he endured. Torture is the only way to describe what I did to him. Five years of torture every night just to take care of one punk kid and teach him how to lift his eyes to a better, happier world. A year ago, I realized just how amazing he is and what he really deserves our respect for.

Thirteen years ago, a little Yuri saw Viktor on the ice and he saw through all of the performance and flash to what was real and laid beneath it. If you want to know who Yuri saw look at Viktor’s free skate from this past season. That was the real Viktor on the ice and wasn’t he glorious? That is the man Yuri loves and he saw him right from the start. That is the man he was trying to reach. I’m sure he loved the flashy Viktor too, but when the whole world wondered what had happened to their skating god Yuri saw that so called failed performance and knew who was trying to speak. He says that he saw a man trapped inside of a god of perfection, that Viktor had sacrificed himself and was now struggling to break free. That was what made Viktor fall in love with him. Not because Yuri was his fan who worshiped him but because Yuri saw him and loved the flawed Viktor more than the god.

Twenty-eight years ago one person met Viktor and on the very first day of his life he loved him right away. Almost no one knows about Alexei because Viktor never wanted his life to be a source of gossip. He was too precious to Viktor to let the wolves that fill the media use his life for ratings. But he deserves to be here today so Viktor agreed to let me share this story. Alexei is Viktor’s brother. He was the first and only person to see who Viktor really was and love him the way he deserved until he met Yuri twenty-six years later.

For ten years Viktor had some suffering due to the fact that Alexei was the only one to truly love him and was the only one capable of understanding his messages which don’t always come out the way people expect, but at least he had Alexei who loved him more than anything and who Viktor loved more than anything in return. If you all like seeing Viktor on the ice it’s Alexei you can thank. He’s the one who took him to the rink for the first time and he’s the one who pushed their parents to allow him to skate when they didn’t want to let him. He saw the way he shined on the ice before anyone else did.

He and Viktor didn’t have a lot in common. Alexei was usually quiet and serious while Viktor, as most of you know, is light-hearted and seeks love and joy from life, but they were still as close as two brothers could be. Viktor looked up to Alexei so much. He respected his opinions and came to him for advice in everything he did. He asked Alexei for help in choosing a song for his first performance and Alexei took his request so seriously he listened to the tape Viktor made of his favorites for a week straight. He listened through everything he did and chose his favorite of the ones Viktor had suggested, but there was one more that he thought would suit him. He was trying to decide if he should go with what Viktor wanted or push him to try something harder.

Those were the two songs he was listening to over and over as he walked home from school. He was also a good son and a good student so he pulled out a book to study while he walked and listened to Viktor’s music. He stepped into the street by accident and was struck and killed by a car.” I waited for the rippling gasps to quiet. Yuri had his arms wrapped around Viktor who looked too numb to cry. “Viktor lost the only person in his life who really mattered to him and he wouldn’t find another for sixteen more years. The only thing he had left from his beloved brother was the song that had been chosen with his death. Viktor held on to it until he felt he was capable of giving a performance to that song that would tell the world who his brother was and what his life meant.

Everything he has achieved, every gold medal he has won, is proof of exactly how much Alexei meant to him. Everything he does on the ice can be traced to Alexei. Alexei always wanted to know what things mean so Viktor fills his performances with meaning for his brother to discover. Alexei strove to be the best he could be so Viktor never lets himself rest on good enough. Alexei loved surprising Viktor with little gifts he made so Viktor tries to bring us the same delight Alexei gave him. The song Alexei chose was the one that pushed him harder so Viktor pushes everyone else around him to reach higher too and he only gives what people need instead of what they want. Viktor gave his entire life to telling Alexei how much he meant to him and how much he loved him.

The performance he struggled with was the one for his brother. The one done to his song. I, like just about everyone else in the world, wondered why the hell he was leaving Yakov and Russia to train with some struggling skater in Japan. Well, now you know. When Yuri and Viktor met neither one of them knew who the other was. Yuri was upset about his sick dog and hiding in a dark closet after another crappy performance and Viktor barged in, upset after that first performance for Alexei, and slammed the door behind him before Yuri could see who he was. They talked and Viktor started to see how caring this stranger in the dark was and how deeply he cared for Viktor’s pain. He learned he was a fan of his and suggested they watch his performance together since Yuri had missed it. Yuri saw the performance Viktor was ashamed of, what the judges deemed mediocre, what the whole world wondered how he had messed up so badly, and Yuri loved it. Genuinely loved it. He thought it was Viktor’s best performance because he was seeing the man he always saw hidden on the ice. He heard what Viktor was trying to say through all of the imperfections. He saw the real Viktor and he loved him when everyone else rejected him.

When I first heard about Alexei I had just inflicted my biggest wound on Viktor yet. I made him fear for my life. That punk asshole who cut him for years also happens to look almost exactly like his beloved Alexei. Yuri decided that enough was enough and he told me the truth of what I’d done to him. Through my ignorance and anger I wounded him in the deepest way possible when all he ever tried to do was protect me, help me, and love me. The night before he left to do his first performance for Alexei he tried to hug his brother just one more time and I dumped him on the floor, laughed at him, and told him I didn’t want to spend another second with him. I still feel guilty for just how badly I hurt him but, as Yuri said, I have the power to hurt him in a way no one else can, but I can also give him something no one else can. So, Vitya, I speak for both of your brothers right now. We love you. You deserve every single drop of happiness you can find. We are so incredibly blessed that you are the one we can call brother. We are so ridiculously proud of you. We will love you forever and that is the easiest thing in the world to do because, Vitya, you’re so loveable it’s frightening.”

He gasped and looked at Yuri then jumped up to pull me into his hug.

“Hold on. Not done yet.” I hugged him back and finished the rest of my speech through his arms.

“Yuri, thank you for being the first in a long time to love our brother the way he deserved. Thank you for showing the world the man that we love too. Thank you for being just as warm and generous and loving as he is. Thank you for having that amazing, kind of creepy, sight of yours that allows you to see who people really are. Thank you for having the strength to give people the truth even when it’d be easier for you to back down. Thank you for protecting our brother from the harsh world and giving him comfort when that’s all that’s left that you can do. Thank you for giving him a home and a family. Thank you for your promises today. And thank you for giving him your life. We love you too, Yuri, for everything you have done.

Yuri is the only one who can say he deserves his love. For the rest of us, it’s a gift.”

Yuri came over to crush me from the other side while the room flooded with tears. I waited for it to slow before I made my last announcement. “Alright, sorry for making everyone cry. Time to put away the sadness and celebrate their love the way they both deserve: Russian style. You all saw the part about it lasting two days on the invitation, right?” Most people nodded. “Awesome. We mean it. Party like your life depends on it. Drink like Yuri does, dance like Yuri does, do embarrassing shit like Yuri does… Basically, everyone just be drunk Yuri. He knows how to party like a Russian.” He punched my arm. “Party like a good Russian, pass out in your room. Or here. Wherever. And then stumble back here again in the morning for even more ridiculous amounts of food and drink and dancing. And don’t worry about the hangover. If there is one thing the Russians know how to cure, it’s a hangover. We will have all of the finest cures available so don’t hold back. We’re going to kick off the party with Yuri and Viktor’s first dance and then my incredibly awesome Beka, who is the Best. DJ. Ever! according to drunk Yuri, is going to give you all the most amazing music you’ve ever danced to.” I raised my glass to them. “Gorko! Gorko! Gorko!” The rest of the Russians joined the count along with a bunch of others who picked up on the game. A hundred. I would say Viktor’s just showing off but I am way too aware of the fact that that is him holding back. We drank and Yuri led Viktor to the dance floor. Beka went to the DJ booth and put on their first song. Not some sappy love song but a Latin song with a sick dance beat. Yuri started off leading Viktor around the floor in their playful, passionate dance but Viktor had been practicing his dancing too so he could better keep up with Yuri and they took turns leading each other through the dance laughing and having the time of their lives. Now that is how love is done. They finished their dance with a kiss and they reached for their moms to lead them around in another salsa dance as everyone else took to the floor.

Viktor’s mom looked embarrassed and uncomfortable at first but it seemed like she decided to take my advice after all. Just fucking love him. That’s all he wants. By the end she was smiling and laughing along with Viktor who was truly the most forgiving person ever. They switched moms and Hiroko looked like she was having the time of her life dancing with both of her sons. Viktor’s mom looked uncomfortable again when Yuri took her hands but Yuri has that sweet smile that he gave her as he led her skillfully around the floor. She started to relax again as Yuri tried out forgiveness the way Viktor did. Viktor grabbed me next and he was actually good enough now to make it easy to follow him the same way I had Minako. Yuri danced with Mari who looked like she was having a blast being twirled around the floor by her little brother. We switched partners and while it was a little strange dancing with Yuri like this he made it more than easy and fun. What was even weirder was that I was taller than him now. I really kind of hated it. I like having people to look up to. I guess I still looked up to them the same as ever but the physical act of looking up kind of added to it and I missed it. Especially with Beka. He’d grown a little bit more too, but not nearly as much as I had. I cared more than he did though.

I danced with Kaori next doing the best I could with the little I knew and she looked up to me more than ever. I guess that’s the way it works. You grow up and go from looking up to people to being the one who is looked up to. Hopefully. Yuri danced with Minako next and they absolutely killed it and Viktor stole Kaori back from me so I went to steal Beka from the stand even though it was a bit of a struggle to decide between holding him tight and admiring just how hot he looks in the DJ booth. He smiled as he saw me coming and removed his headphones then came down to join me on the floor. He took my hands and stepped me back and forth around the floor with way more skill than I was expecting.

“Did you learn dancing from Yuri?”

“I took a few lessons from him. I like dancing with you.”

“Really?”

He nodded and pulled me down for a kiss.

“I like dancing with you too.”

“You gave a beautiful speech, suyiktim. You’re such an amazing person to have gone through what you have and been strong enough to come out of it as you did. Thank you for making me the happiest man ever by agreeing to spend your life with me. I love you so much.”

“Thank you for choosing me, zhanym. I love Bekam with all my heart.” He smiled and sent his shivering kiss into my stomach then spun me away and yanked me back to him dipping me low and kissing me again, his hand in my hair. Always in my hair. I loved it so much. He could tell me everything he felt with that single hand to my hair. Sometimes he was soft and gentle, sometimes he reached for everything, and sometimes he grabbed it and took what was his. The thought made my cock jump as he pulled me back into him and he grinned then dragged me away asking Hiroko on the way out to keep an eye on Kaori for us.

He dragged me to the closest bathroom and shoved my face against the door as he locked it. He pulled my pants down with my arm twisted behind my back and shoved his handkerchief into my mouth. “Sorry, suyiktim, I can’t let my tiger roar right now. I’ll have to be satisfied with his purring for now.” He spread my feet wider and pulled my hips back, pressing my face harder into the door. His slicked cock slid slowly into me as he grasped my hair in one hand and pinned my arm with the other. I was already near death with his heat before he was even fully inside me. Moans rattled my stomach and came out muffled through the rag as his teeth grazed my neck.

“That’s right, my tiger. Purr for me. Let me know how your eagle satisfies you.” I slammed my hips back at him begging him for more. “You like the view?” I nodded and moaned harder when his thrusts picked up a vicious pace. He obliterated the edges of my body and turned me into nothing but a swirling mass of pleasure and craving. “Grab your handkerchief. My hands are full and I don’t want to let you go.” He gripped a little tighter and my knees gave way. He pulled up on my arm to hold me up and somehow I managed to fish the cloth from my pocket and hold it over my dripping cock. My moans filled the cloth in my mouth as my cock filled the one in my hand. My knees gave out again as the grenade tore me apart and he had to let go of my arm to reach under my stomach and hold me up. His body curled over mine and his delicious moans poured over my neck with his hot breath sending shivers over my pulsing body. “Ah, Yura. You’re so amazing for me. So sexy. So hot. So beautiful.” His thrusts slowed and he pulled the cloth from my mouth.

“You’re so fucking hot, Beka.”

He pulled out and cleaned me up with a paper towel. “You liked that?”

I turned around and threw my arms around him for a kiss. “I love it when you take me like that. So good.”

“Mmm… it’s really nice now that I have such long hair to grab. You really don’t mind having hair that long? You can cut it if you want. I know you love me and support me.”

I shook my head. “I want it longer.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You love it and it looks like a lion’s mane. It’s pretty cool. I’ll leave it long until I’m too old to pull it off any more.”

He smiled and kissed me. “It does look awesome on you. It definitely looks like I fucked you though. Let me fix it.” He pulled my pants back up and fixed my outfit until he was satisfied then did the same to his and looked at me and gave me this tiny, sexy smirk. “Kneel.” Oh fuck. He had just fucked the life nearly out of me and my cock still jumped in my pants as I dropped to my knees in front of him and looked up into his beautiful face. “So sexy, suyiktim. I want you again now but I’ve to check on the music and it’ll be fun to let you wonder when I’m going to pull you away again, yeah?”

“Oh god, yes! Take me whenever you want, zhanym. I’m yours.”

He smiled and bent down to press his hands to my face and a kiss to my lips. “So hot. I love you so much.” He moved behind me and started combing my hair through his fingers, separating it out and weaving it together. I had no idea what he was doing, but I didn’t care. As long as he liked what I looked like that was all that really mattered. Plus he knew what awesome was so I felt pretty confident that he wouldn’t make me look like an idiot. His fingers combing through my hair like this felt amazing and tingly over the pleasure that still pulsed inside me. “Okay, you can get up now.” I groaned and leaned back against him. He chuckled. “You like that, huh?”

“Feels so good. I love kneeling at your feet.”

“Yeah?” He grabbed my chin and tilted my head back to reach the kiss he dropped down on me. “Who knew such a strong tiger would like being tamed so much.”

“I’m not tamed at all. I just save my wildness for you now.”

“Mmm… so good.” He yanked my hair back and licked his tongue into my open mouth before sealing it with his lips.

“And, Beka, the eagle always belongs above the tiger, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah he does.”

“Actually I wanted to ask you that. Are you happy with us always like this or did you ever want to try switching roles?”

He tugged me back up and grabbed my hand and the side of my face which felt weirdly exposed without my hair over it. “Yeah I’m happy like this. Are you?”

“Completely. I just wanted to ask because Viktor told me once that it’s a different experience to top or bottom and that most people he knew switched at least once in a while. I just didn’t know if that was something you wanted or not.”

“I’d be willing to try it if you wanted to but I love hunting my tiger.” His lips pressed along my neck.

“Good. I love seeing my eagle above me. I really don’t have any desire to switch, but I thought I’d offer it. I’d be more than willing to try too if you ever change your mind.”

He smiled. “You’re so good to me. So sweet and so wild. Just perfect. And insanely hot right now if I can say so about my own work.” He turned me to face the mirror.

“Woah. That’s fucking awesome, Beka!” He had pulled my hair into a messy mohawk on top with a tangled bun holding it in place and two ropes on either side of my head pulled the hair back from my face and ran into the rest of my slightly messed up hair that was reaching down my back.

“You look like a wild warrior. Exactly perfect for you. Especially nice against that suit. I will be taking you again tonight. Maybe more than once.” He nipped at my neck then pressed his lips over it and shoved me back out the door. So fucking hot.

We made our way back through the party that was now raging with the city lights sprawled low past the huge windows. Yuri’s eyes widened when he saw me then he started giggling. “Did Beka pull you away just to do your hair or did you finally use that ball gag we got you?”

“Shut up, Katsudon. You wouldn’t have heard us anyway. It’s so loud in here.”

“Oh I assure you we would have heard you. Even in the attic we can still hear you sometimes. We need to soundproof that thing. Actually, we probably need to remodel the house altogether. So many people now. And I think Viktor’s been taking up your little challenge. He’s been getting louder too. So did he shove a sock in your mouth?”

I blushed and looked away. “A handkerchief.”

He laughed in his gleeful drunk Yuri laugh. “I’m surprised that was enough to do it. Your hair looks awesome by the way.”

“Thanks. You wanna dance some more, Beka?”

Yuri cringed. “I thought we banned you from using those two words together ever again in our presence. Traumatized. I was fucking traumatized.”

“Hey, you’re the one who said it should be fine, that no one ever hears you and Vitya unless they’re hanging out at the door.”

“Well I wasn’t expecting you to be so fucking loud. Like so so fucking loud. I didn’t even know humans could be that loud.”

“That’s because he’s not a human when I fuck him. He’s a goddamn tiger.” Beka grabbed me and kissed my neck. “I’ll be right back, suyiktim. Just going to check on the music.” Yuri grabbed me and started leading me through more Latin dances breaking down the steps sometimes so I could learn new ones. Kaori’s eyes lit up when she saw me so I took her back from Viktor and Yuri rushed straight into his arms.

“Coach Yura, your hair looks awesome! You look like a wild tiger!”

“Yeah? Thanks, kotyonok. Should I ask Coach Beka if he’ll do your hair too?”

“Yes!”

“Okay let’s go ask him.” I took her hand and led her up to Beka. “Qizimiz would like her hair to look as awesome as mine. Think you can help her out?”

“Of course, my little ice tiger.” He sat down in a chair and Kaori climbed into his lap. He undid the first pretty braid he had done earlier and mussed up her hair before pulling it back just like mine. I took pictures of their beautifully happy faces and the professional photographer also snapped a few shots. Too cute not to. When he finished the photographer also got some shots of us all snarling in the camera and I took another of all of us together and posted it on my page.

“Wanna dance?”

“I think I’ll stay up here a bit and work out some more songs, but I’ll be sure to watch you and Kaori.”

I took her hand and led her to the floor and started twirling her around the best I could. “Having fun?”

“Yeah! Lots of fun! I love weddings!”

“Yeah Viktor and Yuri really know how to throw a party.”

“I’m so happy for them. They love each other so much and they look so sweet and happy.”

I looked over behind me where they were grabbing kisses from each other in between dance moves and nodded.

“When are you and Coach Beka going to get married?”

“Not for a few more years. We’re still pretty young to get married, but who knows. I really like grabbing the good things as soon as I can.”

“Like you did with me?”

“Exactly. I knew you were someone special as soon as I met you.”

She smiled and I twirled her around and her face scrunched up. “Who’s Mari-neechan kissing?”

“Huh?” I spun around to see what she was talking about and sure enough Mari had her face locked into some guy’s. He had black shaggy hair and was dressed in a long black gothic punk type jacket over a blood red shirt. He looked like a punk vampire. Not bad looking though. Just… weird. “I don’t know who that is. Let me ask.” Hiroko wanted to dance with Kaori so I left them to it while I investigated the mystery guy making out with our sister. “Hey, Vitya, who’s that making out with Oneechan? He looks like he comes from our side.”

He and Yuri both snapped their heads around to check what I was talking about. Viktor laughed. “Oh, that’s Gavriil. He’s my barber. Or he used to be before I moved here. He’s really good. Good guy too. I’ve known him for years. Looks like Oneechan likes him too.”

Yuri looked back at Viktor and narrowed his eyes. “You wouldn’t, Vitya.”

“I wouldn’t what, Yuri?”

“Don’t give me that, Vitya.”

Viktor gave him a sweet smile. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Yuri.”

“Vitya… You better confess right now.”

“Confess what? I invited my old barber who I like very much as a friend to our wedding?”

“Who’d you sit him next to at dinner, Vitya?”

“Oneechan. But it made the most sense. They were both single.”

Yuri gasped. “Viktor Nikiforov, you are using my sister to lure your old barber to Japan!”

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Yuri. I did nothing but invite him and sit him in the most practical spot.” Despite their little fight, they both had smiles behind their words.

“You’ve been complaining since you got here that you just couldn’t find anyone as good as Gavriil.”

“Well it’s true. He’s the only one who’s ever gotten the swish just right. See? He did my hair for our wedding. Doesn’t it look just perfect?” He tossed his hair and winked.

Yuri growled and kissed him. “Not fair. You play dirty, Nikiforov.” He pulled Viktor down to kiss him again. “Yura, go give Gavriil the third degree. I give you permission to be as much of an asshole as you want.”

“Why me?”

“No one can be a punk asshole like you and I have business with this man.” Yuri grabbed him and started dragging him off then stopped after a few steps and looked back at me. “Where was the bathroom?” I pointed in the right direction and Yuri gave me a thumbs up and walked off dragging a giddy Viktor behind him.

Okay so I’ve been ordered to be a punk asshole. Awesome. Now how do I do that? I walked over to them and punched his shoulder. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing with my sister?”

He pulled away from Mari’s face and looked me up and down with a critical eye, brushing his hair out of his face for a better look. “Awesome hair, man. I like your style.”

“Hey, I’m not that easy. What do you think you’re doing making out with my sister? You know she has a lot of brothers who love her.”

“Yeah she told me about you all. You’re Yura, right?”

“Yeah. Let’s cut to the chase. Are you just fucking around or are you a good guy?”

“Isn’t it up to her if she wants a guy who’s just fucking around or one of the good ones?”

“Alright, you pass.”

“I thought you said you weren’t that easy.”

“I’m not. You didn’t get a pass for liking my hair, but you did get one for respecting her. You’re right. If she wants a guy to fuck around with, that’s her business. If she’s looking for someone to date, also her business. But if you pretend to be something you’re not… she has five brothers and two sisters who all are not people you’d ever want to fuck with.”

Mari started laughing. “Did you just include Kaori in your threat?”

“I sure as fuck did. She might even be scarier than Yuri. You can ask Chicken if you need confirmation of this. Is this guy good, Oneechan?”

“Why do you think I’m kissing him?”

“Just so we know when to kick his ass, are you looking for fun or to date?”

“Geez, Yurio-chan, way to put me on the spot.”

“Just answer in Japanese, idiot.”

“Oh right. I forgot you kind of know it now.” She looked him up and down. “Fun for now but I’ll let you know. I kinda like him.”

“You do know Viktor plotted this to get his barber to move to Japan, right?”

“Remind me to thank him.”

I switched back to English. “One last question. How do you feel about karaoke?”

“Karaoke?”

I nodded. “It’s a serious question.”

“Karaoke…. Sure, I could do karaoke.”

“You’ve passed the first test, but you are still on probation.” I went back to Kaori and Mari resumed kissing Gavriil. They actually looked good together. The blonde had grown out of her hair and she cut it short around her face with bangs and a kind of choppy punk style and she had those piercings so I guess a punk vampire wasn’t a bad choice for her at all as long as he was a decent guy. Kaori and Hiroko both stopped dancing as I got close, both wanting answers. “So that’s Vitya’s old barber from Russia. His name is Gavriil. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, but he’s on probation. You might end up with more sweet Russian men though, Okaasan. Vitya intends to lure him here with Oneechan.”

Her eyes widened. “He looks… a little scary.”

“Yeah he seems alright though. He’s just a hairstylist so they’re all a bit… artistic. Vitya wouldn’t try to set them up if he thought he was a bad guy.”

“Oh, no. Of course not. I trust Vikchan. Do you know if he does karaoke?”

“I asked. He said he does.”

She laughed. “Okay he’s probably okay. Thank you for checking on him to protect her.”

“No problem. We can’t have anyone messing with our family.”

She smiled and gave me a hug. “So sweet, Yurio-chan.”

Beka had switched the music to something more pop-y and clublike and more of Yuri’s side of the family joined the dance floor. I took Hiroko’s and Kaori’s hands and we danced like a bunch of drunk people. Well Kaori wasn’t drunk but little kids already act drunk most of the time. Kaori was a popular choice for a dance partner so I got her stolen from me by all sorts of random people but she kept running back to me and Beka who had come down from the stand to dance with me some more. He waited until everyone was drunk enough for the songs to switch to the boybands Yuri and Minako loved dancing to so much with his awesome dance beats to make them even better. Yuri and Viktor had of course lost most of their clothing by now, but they’d kept it on longer than I was expecting. Kaori came back to me and Beka yet again and we showed her the few moves we knew and started dancing to the worst songs ever and had a great time doing it. Lilia even managed to drag Yakov out to the floor and Phichit and Sara were having fun dancing with Mila and stealing kisses. It looked a little like Mila was getting handsier with both Sara and Phichit the longer they danced looking an awful lot like Chris and his boyfriend who had Minako between them and were feeling her up as they danced in their dirty grind.

The party turned into complete debauchery highly egged on in part by Viktor making out with Yuri shamelessly through most of the night and why shouldn’t he? It was their wedding after all. Beka’s eyes hunted me all night long and just that alone was enough to drive me crazy then he’d get this little smile in the corner of his mouth and he’d swoop in to grab me away. Coat closets. The abandoned kitchen. A supply room. The roof where he ordered me to my knees to suck him while I stroked myself… So hot. So much for missed sex. Beka was so insanely hot. That calm mask definitely hid one sexy beast below it.

A buffet was set up with cake and other sweets and more alcohol in one place than I had ever seen in my life. The only polite way to behave at a Russian wedding was to be so completely smashed you can barely stand and keep that up until you collapse so I did my duty as a good polite Russian the best I could while still having enough sense to keep an eye on Kaori. She was a strong, very polite party guest and it took until the light started to crack in the sky before she looked like she was slowing down. Beka found the backup DJ and turned over his post and we led Kaori around the sleeping people strewn over the floor who had been out-partied by a little girl and Viktor and Yuri who were still partying it up with the younger crowd up to our room where we snuggled her between us. She fell asleep within seconds, a huge smile on her face.

“Hey, Beka. Did you have fun?”

“I had a blast, suyiktim. Best night of my life. Thank you for making me the happiest man in the world.”

“You’re really ready to be a family like this?”

“Absolutely. I want you and Kaori forever. I love you both so much and I love having a family to care for.”

“We did everything backward and way too fast though.”

Beka smiled and kissed my hand that was woven into his. “Isn’t that what we do on the ice all day? Why should our lives be any different? Are you having doubts?”

“No! Not at all. This, right here, is perfect to me. I was just checking to see if you had any doubts.”

“Suyiktim, I haven’t had a single doubt about you since the day I met you.”

“Really? Even when I hurt you?”

“Yeah. I never doubted even then that I wanted you. I was just scared you’d never want me back.”

“I always wanted you. You always make me feel so safe and loved and that’s really all I want. Well, that, and to kick your ass this season.”

He smiled and gave me a sweet kiss over our little sleeping tiger. “Same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading all the way through! I hope you enjoyed the story and feedback is greatly appreciated.


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